by Tara Lee
I sigh and place another kiss on his forehead. I give his hand one final squeeze, and when I can’t hold in the sobs that wreak my heart, I walk away and close the door to my past.
I stand outside the room and lean my head on the door. The tears leave my body so fast I don’t have time to wipe them away.
“Goodbye, Ethan.” I whisper.
I walk away, and even though this shatters my heart into a million pieces, I know it’s for the best. Daddy always told me Ethan would eventually break my heart, but I think he got that wrong. It’s me who’s was going to break Ethan’s heart. Because I know when he wakes up and Bishop tells him I’ve left for good. He won’t recover, and next time he’ll make sure he finishes the job he’s started so many times before, but never succeeded at.
* * *
“I didn’t do it!!” I hiss through clenched teeth.
Bishop paces back and forth in front of the bed.
“Fuck, Ethan, you can lie to Luna, fuck you can lie to yourself, but don’t lie to me. I’ve been where you are, remember.” Bishop grunts, his arms fly above his head as he continues to pace.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
He shakes his head. I know what he’s thinking, but I swear I didn’t try to kill myself not this time. Not this fucking time.
“Man, I can’t believe you fucked up so bad you spiraled again. Fuck. Ethan, what the fuck were you thinking? Have you lost your goddamn mind?” He yells.
His temper rises, but he continues before I get a word in.
“I mean, I thought you were on the straight and narrow, but we both know you are a true junkie. And you’ll keep going until it kills you.”
I think that hurt just as much as when I woke up and Bishop told me Luna had been here and said she was finally done. For good this time. Yeah, what a way to wake up.
“Wow, tell me how you really feel?” I grit out. I clench my fists by my sides because I can’t get out of this stupid fucking bed now. They need to be sure I’m capable of not hurting myself.
“Don’t start with the attitude, Ethan, I was the one who found you, I was the one who watched Luna bawl her fucking eyes out at you lying there un-fucking-concious.” He narrows his eyes, dares me to argue.
“Sorry, Dad,” I choke out, as I try to lighten the mood.
He shakes his head and whispers something to himself. Pretty sure it’s “un-fucking-believable.”
“Just own up to it ,Ethan, or you're going to a clinic, do you understand? You’re danger to yourself, and until you accept that you can’t fix your problem, I’m forcing you into rehab.” He says his hands are on his hips, as he stares me down, daring me to challenge him. At last he’s stopped the stupid pacing.
I roll my eyes, because no matter how many times I tell him the truth or how many times I tell the doctors the truth, no one believes me. I’m a junkie, right, why would they? Attempted suicide, they said.
Well, they’re fucking wrong.
“Ethan, I just need you to tell me the truth, please.”
My groan is audible. I am so frustrated with this whole mess, and no one believes the ex-junkie didn’t try to overdose, that it was a set up.
“No matter what I say, you won’t believe me anyway.” I sigh as I lay my head back on the pillow and close my eyes. All this arguing has made me tired.
“Whatever, Ethan, it’s time to grow up.” He shouts and storms out of my room.
His dismissal of this moment leaves me momentarily speechless. My mood sinks faster than a ship in the ocean, and believe me, I feel like I’m drowning. May as well forget the life jacket and sink to the bottom.
I lay with my eyes closed for a while, not sleeping but not fully awake either.
I hear the door open and close, and Bishop's heavy footsteps approach me. He shakes my shoulder, not gently either.
“Get up, time to go.”
I open my eyes slowly, just to piss him off even more. Why just poke the bear? May as well get mauled while I’m at it. Might be an easier death at this rate.
“Go where?” I ask, because I sure as shit know it’s not home.
“You know where, Ethan, I’m taking you, lets go.”
Before I know it, Bishop helps me pack the small bag I had and drives me to some center out of New York. It's in the Hamptons by the look of how fancy this place is, must be where all the rich kids with coke problems get sent. I don’t dare move from my spot. It frustrates me that this is where I have to go instead of where I really want to go. After Luna, of course. I’ll always chase her so she can run, but I’ll always find her.
Every. Single. Fucking. Time.
Bishop grabs the few bags I have and he packs all my clothes and personal belongings into bags. I’d thank him, but this is the last place I want to be. I need to find Luna. I need to explain.
I stop at the bottom of the steps. My nerves kick in, and I know before I found Lorenzo I was doing okay, I was on the right path but now, now I’m not so sure I’m on any path. I don’t know where I belong anymore.
“Please don’t make me do this,” I beg Bishop one last time.
My throat clogs up, and I can feel my chest constrict with pain. He sighs and pulls me into his arms. His brotherly hug doesn’t go unnoticed, but I can feel his pain though the way he holds me, and I know, just like that I lost his respect. Maybe even lost him.
I wipe my face on the sleeve of my shirt as he pulls me back. He studies me for a beat, then walks with me up the steps. One by one, until we face the door. It slides open, and then my new life begins. One I’m not so sure I want to live.
Ethan is in rehab. I know this because Bishop texted to let me know. He had forced him to go there. He says Ethan said he didn’t try to kill himself, it was a set up. I’m not sure I believe it or not. I know Daddy isn’t keen on Ethan showing up anytime soon. For the last two months, I’ve been hauled up in the house never leaving to go outside. The littlest things remind me of Ethan, and it always ends the same way. Me curled up on my bed as I cry and sob my heart out.
No matter what happens between us, I will always love Ethan. He’s always had my heart, and I can’t seem to take it back.
The pain never leaves me. The memories we have are too strong, and no matter how much I try, I can’t forget him. I tried, I really did, but he’s etched in my brain and he’s not going anywhere.
I had avoided him to make things easier on myself, not that it works. He would often call or text, but they would go unanswered. It’s for the best.
I was kidding myself if I thought I could ever forget Ethan Knight. He’s like my drug, one I needed so desperately but knew all too well the pain it caused me and the side effects it would have on my life.
But I guess that’s the thing about love. It makes us do stupid things. It makes us see the beauty in each other but also the bad. With Ethan, the bad always came, it was something I didn’t even need to predict. We had our problems just like any normal couple, but with Ethan, more troubles always came, and at first I thought I could handle them but then I realized the pain was too much to bear. But even now, as I sit by my window and stare at the sun setting over the horizon, I miss him, and the pain is too much to bear without him.
Can I really forgive him if he came back?
I sigh and keep my eyes on the sunset.
“Please get better, Ethan.” I whisper. A tear falls down my cheek. I didn’t even realize I’m crying, but I guess that’s what happens when you’ve cried for the last few months and your face is so used to it.
It means nothing.
God, we are so broken. I sigh, rest my head on the side of the window as the sun sets behind the mountains. New York was a fresh start for me, but even that got broken.
Ethan may have been a lot of things, broken was definitely one of them, but he made me feel alive, and I can’t deny that I loved him with all my heart— no, love him. It was keeping him that was the problem, because unless Ethan gets clean, us b
eing together was never going to work. He may have been the love of my life, but I couldn’t watch him go through that over and over again. Am I the bad guy for not standing by him?
I vow if Ethan comes back to me sober, I’ll be his and he’ll be mine.
I wake, startled. Sweat pours over me. I try to regulate my breathing. It was the same dream I had every night. Luna lies still next to me. Blood drips from her mouth, her eyes stare blank, straight ahead, frozen in fear. I watch as she takes her last breath, there is nothing I can do to save her. Then I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger.
Every night for a month, I’ve had the same dream, wake up the same way, and then couldn’t get back to sleep, because every time I close my eyes, I see Luna like that in a pool of her own blood. I can’t get that image out of my head. I walked out on her. I know that I put her through more heartache as the one who left this time. But I had my reasons, fuck did I have my reasons.One was I didn’t want Luna to end up like she is in my dreams. Dead. Gone forever.
Forced to do my brother’s bidding, it screwed with me. It held me accountable for his actions. Okay, they were my own. But Lorenzo had it coming big time.
Yeah once my days were done, I left rehab, never to go near that place again. Instead, I came to find the two men who ruined my life. I’m the killing type, sure, but they thought they’ve got rid of me.
I had a lot of time to think while I sat in the little room I called mine for five months. Everything came back to one thing. Brantley wants in, and he wants Lorenzo out. His way of trying to get me to join was his way of setting me up. He’d have shot me dead without a second glance, all because Lorenzo wanted me by his side, not Brantley. Jealousy isn’t a good look on my older brother, and soon he’ll find out just how much pain I can cause him.
I stop in front of the warehouse Lorenzo runs his business in. His men stand up right when they see me. One smirks at me, and the other talks through a walkie. Guess I’m about to see my father.
Not even five minutes pass before Lorenzo and Brantley both step out.
I’m here mother fuckers, Is what I want to scream out. Somehow, I control the urge and just smirk as they step closer to me. To see the shock on their faces is worth every fucking thing.
“Ethan.” My father's voice is bland and a little shaken, if I’m not mistaken.
I just smirk again and wait. Yeah I’m not giving them both the satisfaction.
“You know when we let you go and you told us about your plan to kill yourself, I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it.” This is Brantley.
His smug voice makes me want to stick a needle in his eye.
I swallow and count to ten in my head.
“I thought you were going to end the never-ending shitshow that is Ethan and Luna,” Brantley says.
I step forward but stop myself before I do something I’ll regret.
Finally, I decide to speak, even though neither of them deserves what I’m about to give them.
“Even though you decided to try to kill me, just wanted to let you know I saved your asses.” I hiss through clenched teeth. Fuck, this isn’t easy.
“Huh, you saved us.” Lorenzo spits.
“Oh, do tell, my son.” He crosses his arms over his chest as he waits for me to explain.
I do the same and give him that little smirk, the one I know drives Luna insane because she loves it but she hates how I use it on her.
Luna, that’s why you're here. Get to the fucking point.
I let out a little sigh.
“Well, you see, the feds were close to moving in. Fuck I’m pretty sure they had you pretty fucked actually,” I say.
No one says a word so I continue.
“They came to me after I woke, stating that they had evidence that my overdose was staged. You see, hard to stage an overdose if I’m near death.” I run my hands down my chin. I keep going.
“They had so much shit on you. Believe me, you’d both be doing life behind bars, and I’m pretty sure none of your men were safe either.”
Lorenzo huffs, and Brantley clenches his jaw. I can tell he knows I’m not full of shit.
“Get to the point,” Brantley barks out.
I grab the hard drive I kept in my back pocket. I step forward and hand it to Brantley’s outstretched hand.
“What the fuck is this?” He asks as he holds it up in the air.
Lorenzo snatches it from his grasp.
“That.” I point at the drive
“Is everything the feds had on you.” I smile a coy smile as they look between themselves rather than back at me.
“Why would you help us?” Lorenzo demands.
“Because you're going to leave me alone. You’ll stay away from Luna and anyone close to either of us,” I demand back.
Brantley pulls himself in front of Lorenzo.
“Father, let me handle this,” He argues.
Lorenzo shakes his head.
“No. Ethan is free from us.” He stares at Brantley, daring him to argue.
What! That worked?
“Father,” Brantley tries again.
“He belongs here with us or dead either way. You know he won’ t keep quiet.” He looks back at me.
Still can’t believe this is the same brother who would have died to protect me.
“You know you might be a cold, heartless bastard, but I still love you. You are my brother, after all,” I confess.
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.
“I’m doing what is right, Ethan, this is my life.” He says as he holds his arms out wide to the setting behind him.
Yeah, the warehouse. Got it.
“It’s not mine,” I say flatly.
“I’ll show you mercy,” He says,
Brantley may be a callous, brutal man, but deep down I know he didn’t choose this life anymore than I did. He was forced the same as they tried to do to me. Except I have another reason to live. She was the light in everything I did.
“How do we know there isn’t more?” He holds up the drive.
I chuckle softly.
“There may have been an accident.” I won't explain what I did. He just needs to know that even though they didn’t have my back, I got theirs. Why? Because even though it kills me, they are the only family beside Luna that I have. Maybe it's the years of self-abuse or the years of not feeling complete, not having my brother in my life. But I wouldn’t wish him harm and I certainly don’t want to see him spend the rest of his life in a small room.
I’ll be the bigger person. I'll show them how a real human being really acts.
“Goodbye.” I turn to get to my bike. I have a drive to make.
Home, to convince my girl one last time that we do, in fact belong together, no matter what her dad says, no matter what the universe is trying to tell her, and no matter what her head tells her, because I know her and I know her heart. She still loves me, and I might be jumping ahead here, but Luna loves unconditionally, and I’ve always been the star of her love, just like she is mine.
I look back at my father and brother, maybe one day I’ll see them again. I don’t expect for them to stay quiet, but until that day, my only focus is Luna and what our life together will be.
There was one soul, for everyone and she was mine.
It had been six months since I’d seen Ethan. You’d think the more time I’d gone without seeing him it would have made it easier. But of course, time doesn’t heal a broken heart that easily. I’ve been pinning for him since the day I walked out of the hospital. When I got that phone call, I just knew things would never be the same again. If it wasn’t for his calls or texts, I would have thought he never woke up from the coma, but of course, when I saw his name flash up on my screen for the first time, I held my phone to my chest and sobbed so hard I had a panic attack.
I left New York six months ago. I had planned on staying with Daddy for just a little while to get back on my feet, but time stood still, and it took a little longer to
be able to get out of bed, let alone survive in a city like New York. I guess when it comes down to it, we all have one soul mate, and we can fight it all we want, but fate always steps in.
Ethan was mine, and even though it’s taken me a long time to really see even with his mistakes, Ethan is just like me, he’s human. Nobody is perfect. We all have scars, some we like to keep locked away. Without our past I would never have known Ethan’s heart.
I hated Ethan for trying to leave me like that and I hated myself for being weak where he was concerned. But most of all I hated my traitorous heart, because she loved him no matter what. I had been dependent on Ethan, even though he was sick, and for all intents and purposes broken. Knowing I was the reason for his downfall made me feel a little less perfect in his eyes. The beauty that lay beneath what Ethan and I had, it had only just begun to crack the surface when I up and left him that day.
A knock on the door pulls me from my trance. I get up from the bed and make my way downstairs. I normally wouldn’t answer it but since Daddy and Viv ,his girlfriend, are both at work, I guess it’s up to me to see who’s here.
Once I swing the door open, I gasp.
Ethan stands there in all his male hotness, like he just stepped off a photo shoot of a GQ Magazine shoot.
“Ethan.” My voice is breathy and husky.
He inches forward and cups my cheek. Explosions of sensation take flight through my skin, as I break out in goosebumps.
“Hey, baby bird,” his voice is like pure sex.
His thumb traces over my lip. I quiver from his touch. His thumb continues to trace the lines of my lips as if he’s remembering what they taste like. He pulls my lip down and lets it pop back up, his eyes never leave mine. He growls low in his throat, the sound vibrates over my body.
My eyes finally go down, and take all of him in. My gaze drifts from his eyes, down his jawline that is full of scruff. I lift my hand and trace his jaw. Scruff tickles my hand. He doesn’t move, just lets me explore. I rake my eyes over his expanded chest. Has it got bigger? The tight shirt he has on showcases every delicious muscle on his body. I wet my lips. Ethan’s eyes move down to my movement. He smirks, and his other hand cups my other cheek. His forehead touches mine, as we stare up at each other.