“That sounds like wise advice.”
“There’s one more thing. Joanne doesn’t think I can do this on my own.”
“I see.” My mom paused. “Do you want me to fly out to help you?”
“Could you? That’s what she suggested. She thinks I’ll be too frazzled to do it alone. I have to pack all of Jake’s things, his strollers, the car seat, our suitcase.” I blew my nose a couple of times. “Sorry.”
“When do you want me to come out there?”
“Friday.”
“You mean in three days?”
I sniffled again. “If I don’t do it now, I won’t have the strength later on. Can you stay in a hotel near the airport? We’ll leave Saturday morning when Cai is out teaching.”
“That’s fine. Will you be okay in the meantime?”
“I think so, but Cai can’t know any of this until he finds my letter on Saturday. So please don’t call me at home about this. I think emailing my work address would be best.”
“Sure. I’ll make my travel arrangements and will email you with the details.”
“Mom, can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Are you disappointed it’s ending this way?” My parents had been supportive about my relationship with Cai from the beginning. But no one in our immediate family had divorced. Would they be ashamed to tell family and friends about my failed marriage?
“Of course I’m not disappointed. You tried your best and that’s all you can do. Now it’s time to focus on yourself and Jake.”
“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Don’t mention it. And don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”
“I hope so.” But as we hung up, all I could wonder was how Cai would react to finding my letter that Saturday, realizing I had left with his son. Would he throw dishes or scream into the silence of our emptied house?
Chapter 44
Planning to Leave
After I arrived home from meeting Joanne, I started to wonder if I actually had the resolve to leave Cai in a few days. That night—alone with Jake while Cai hosted his radio program—I was convinced I was a horrible wife for abandoning him in a strange country. Mama and Baba would be so disappointed in me. I was supposed to find Cai a job. I was supposed to be the dutiful daughter-in-law. And now I was giving up before Cai was able to settle into his new Californian life.
But by the next morning, all I could think about was how Cai had spent more time with his friends than he had with Jake and me. I’d patiently waited for him to find a job, to acclimate to San Francisco. If he couldn’t help himself, how could I help him? How many more threats would I listen to before they would come true? I was right to leave.
Then the following day, on Thursday, I felt horrible for denying Jake his dad and Cai his son. No matter what he had done, Cai was still Jake’s father. Would Jake suffer emotionally if I divorced Cai? I now understood just how difficult it was for women to leave abusive relationships when kids were involved.
When my mom phoned me at work on Friday afternoon from a hotel outside the San Francisco airport, my escape came one step closer to being realized.
“I’ve just checked into my hotel and have the car,” my mom said. “I’ve also rented a cell phone, so let me give you the number.”
I wrote it on a Post-it. The phone number stared at me naked, without a name or label. Tucking it away in my purse, I reviewed the plans with my mom for the next day. I prayed they would all go off without a hitch.
“Thanks so much, Mom. What are you going to do the rest of the day?”
“I was thinking of driving into the city since this will be my last time here for a while. Maybe to do some shopping—”
“No. Please don’t. Cai could be anywhere today. It would be just my luck for him to see you downtown. Can you just stay at the hotel?”
“Sure, that’s fine. I don’t think he’d see me, but you’re right. It’s not good to take chances. I can read at the pool if the sun stays out.”
That evening, I tried my best to act as if I wasn’t about to leave my husband. As long as I didn’t think about it, I didn’t feel too jittery. But it was impossible to completely push it out of my mind. Later that evening we had a welcome distraction when Mr. Huang, Cai’s friend from Wuhan, unexpectedly stopped by to drop off some concert tickets for a performance he was producing. He’d also come over the night of Jake’s bris.
Cai joked around with Huang, mimicking the accent of a mutual friend. They spoke of the good old days in Wuhan, just following the Cultural Revolution, when they returned to study after many years outside the classroom. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen Cai laugh and joke around so much.
“I’m going to Russia in a few months,” Huang announced, “with a group from San Francisco State.”
Cai turned to me with kindness spilling from his eyes that I hadn’t seen in ages. “Maybe we can visit Russia some day.”
I felt my pulse deep in my chest. What could I say? No, I’ll be long gone? Maybe I was wrong to leave when there was still a chance we could get along. Would Cai and I be able to enjoy a peaceful life together after all, traveling around the world on cultural exchanges?
I nodded but knew I was deluding myself in thinking he could still change. It was too late. I had to focus on what was best for Jake and myself. At that moment, I felt grateful that my mom was just a town over and would help me stay on track. Joanne was right about asking her to fly out. I cringed to think about leaving on my own and how easy it would have been to cancel my flight at the last minute.
Nervous about the next morning, I felt an urgent need to remove myself from Cai and Huang. “It’s almost eight,” I said to them. “Jake should go upstairs now. Nice to see you, Mr. Huang.”
“You, too,” Huang replied. “I’ll see you at the concert next week?”
I pressed my lips together to stifle the tremors I could feel in my throat. Smiling, I peered at the tiled entryway floor. “Yes, of course.”
Clutching Jake, I started up the stairs, unable to look back at Cai and Huang. It wouldn’t be long before Huang would learn the truth about that night. I couldn’t look, because if I did, I’d always remember the last moment Cai and I were a family in front of someone else.
We might meet together in the future with Jake, but never again would people come to our home to visit our family. I also worried I would start to lose focus if I lingered any longer with Cai and Huang. Or give myself away. Part of me knew I could go through with leaving the next day, while the other part felt vulnerable, impressionable, and unsure I would be able to pull this off.
Arise, and dress yourself with care.
Dress neatly, not showily.
—Ban Zhao
Instruction to Chinese Women and Girls
Chapter 45
The Morning of Departure
I tossed and turned all night, nervous Cai would wake up feeling sick and cancel his class, or the school would call to say too many kids were out with colds so he shouldn’t bother to come in. Even if Cai went to work as planned, my mom’s rental car could suddenly have a flat tire that would make us miss our flight.
I wished I had thought about all the things that could go wrong when I decided to leave. Was there something I could have done to ensure a smoother escape? These worries weighed on my mind so much that I wasn’t able to fall sleep until sometime before daybreak.
The next thing I knew, I woke with a start, the morning sun peeking through our bedroom curtains. Cai wasn’t in bed next to me, but I could hear the water running in the bathroom. Without my glasses I squinted at my watch. 7:00 a.m. I had to get through these last two hours until Cai left to teach piano. But even then, I wouldn’t be in the clear. There would only be a few hours between when my mom would arrive to gather Jake’s and my things
and when our flight to Chicago would depart at one that afternoon.
When Cai came out of the bathroom and got dressed in our room, I faked sleep. Then he left to go downstairs. He didn’t suspect anything.
Jake woke about ten minutes later. I took my time changing his diaper and dressing him in an outfit warm enough to withstand the unforgiving Chicago winter. I then stuffed Jake’s pajamas in my suitcase’s side pocket. The green canvas case rested in a corner of our closet behind my clothes. I would deal with my toiletries after Cai drove off.
The smell of coffee flooded the kitchen, a familiar aroma since we’d moved into the house a little over two years earlier. Cai had acclimated to little American things like coffee in the morning and bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast. I couldn’t think about that now.
Staying out of Cai’s way, I placed Jake in his high chair and cooked a pot of oatmeal. I’d lost my appetite since the day I saw Joanne and had been forcing myself to eat in front of Cai so my behavior wouldn’t seem uncharacteristic. When he moved to the living room to watch the news from China, I exhaled for what seemed like the first time all morning.
The next hour dragged. Jake finger-fed himself small pieces of banana while I loaded the dishwasher and checked the clock. 8:15 a.m. I took Jake out of his high chair to give him more time with Cai before our nuclear family dissolved.
“Can you hold Jake while I clean up a bit?” I hadn’t asked Cai for help with Jake since the night he first threatened to send him to China, but I had nothing to be afraid of now. Cai happily took Jake and held him on his lap. I returned to the kitchen, which was already spotless. Leaning against a counter and taking a deep breath, I scanned the back of the house. I’ll put the letter there, I decided, looking at the naked cutting board.
Buying myself five minutes, which seemed like fifty, I returned to the living room. Cai’s eyes were glued to the TV as Jake cruised the windowsills, lined with trinkets I’d bought on my travels through Eastern Europe in college. They would have to stay.
8:30 a.m. Walking upstairs with Jake was something I’d normally do, so I carried him up to the master bath to survey my toiletries. I didn’t dare pack them with Cai still home, but I made mental notes, for the hundredth time since Tuesday, of what I would take.
When Jake and I returned to the living room, Cai was still in front of the TV. Then he stood up.
“I’m going now.” He barely made eye contact with me before heading downstairs to the garage. I looked at my watch. It was 8:45 a.m.
I stood by the window, my eyes fixed on the street below, waiting for him to pull his car out of the garage and turn down Newhall Street. I’d told my mom to park around the corner to the left because Cai usually turned right out of our garage. But as plans always changed, especially during crises, I crossed my fingers he wouldn’t see her if he drove in the other direction.
It seemed like ten minutes had passed since Cai had headed downstairs to the garage.
And then his car appeared.
He turned right. Phew. I kept watch at the front window to make sure he didn’t return. I pulled the Post-it with my mom’s rented cell phone number out of my purse, picked up the phone, and dialed.
“He just left, but can you wait another ten minutes in case he comes back? I’ll open the garage door then, and you can pull right in. I don’t want the neighbors to see you. They would tell Cai you were here.”
“Sure. I can see your garage. I’ll wait until you open it before I start the car.”
I continued to peek through the drapes, as Jake toddled around the living room. Each time a car turned onto Newhall from the intersection to the right, my heart skipped a beat. Worried about only having three hours to pack my things, return the rental car and phone, and check our bags, I thought about gathering some of Jake’s things while I waited to make sure Cai was really on his way to the music center. But I couldn’t risk leaving my post at the window. It would be a disaster if he were to return and surprise me while I was packing.
After ten minutes had passed and I felt fairly sure he hadn’t forgotten something at home, I made my way downstairs with Jake and opened the garage door. My mom pulled in and I closed the door behind her.
“Jake!” My mom took Jake from me, latching on to him as if she hadn’t seen him in years. Her eyes revealed the same panic and nervousness as mine.
“Let’s start packing the car,” I said as I hugged her.
While my mom tried to collapse Jake’s high chair, I scurried to retrieve my suitcase. Taking a plastic bag from under the bathroom vanity, I threw in my spare pair of glasses, my toothbrush, hairbrush, and Jake’s baby scissors. I shoved the bag in the suitcase, then sprinted around the closet, taking more clothes and shoes, baby photo albums we kept stacked in piles on the closet floor, and my jewelry. Running into the guest room where Yoshimoto had stayed, I pulled Jake’s clothes out of the dresser we’d bought for the room and piled them high in my arms. It was to be Jake’s room once he moved into his own bed. After a few trips back and forth, I couldn’t fit much else into the suitcase, so I zipped it and lugged it downstairs.
Jake walked around the kitchen as if my mom’s presence were normal.
“I think I broke the high chair.” My mom examined it, puzzled. “Something snapped that shouldn’t have.”
“It’s okay. Just leave it. I’m going to bring my suitcase down to the car. Can you gather some of Jake’s toys in the living room? I’ll come back with a bag for them.”
We spent the next half hour packing as much as we could in the trunk of the rental car. Jake’s two strollers, diaper bag, and a bag of his toys joined my suitcase and my mom’s carry-on.
I scanned the garage. A blue tricycle my parents had bought for Jake stood parked in the corner. We’d have to leave it behind. “I think we have as much as we can fit. After I put Jake in his car seat, I’ll go upstairs to leave the letter in the kitchen.”
With my final task completed, I closed the door to the upstairs, locking it with my key for the last time. My mom pulled out of the garage so the car just cleared the door frame. I stepped outside and reached back into the garage to press the opener on an inside wall. I then slid into the backseat next to Jake while the garage door slowly closed.
Apart from the broken high chair, this part of the escape couldn’t have been executed better. My mom seemed calm and Jake looked content in his car seat, oblivious to this harrowing event. I even felt confident the rest of it would go just as well.
But when I looked back onto Newhall Street, my eyes clouded as I saw for the last time the house I thought would bring us so much joy.
Chapter 46
Delayed in San Francisco
At San Francisco International Airport, my mom pushed Jake in one stroller while I pushed another stroller carrying his car seat. Dressed in our winter coats in anticipation of the cold Chicago weather, we checked our bags, received our boarding passes, and cleared security. In the departures area, my mom waited with Jake while I brought his two strollers to our gate to receive gate check tags. Because I’d bought Jake a seat on the plane, I wanted to keep both strollers to transport Jake and the heavy car seat through the airport.
Just as it was my turn at the desk, the gate agent shook her head. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this flight has just been canceled.”
“What?” This couldn’t be happening, not today. I could feel my knees start to buckle.
“I’m sorry. After I make the announcement, you can come back here to book another flight.”
I quickly looked at my mom, who was holding Jake in her lap, guarding the car seat and carry-ons. Then I turned toward the gate agent and lowered my voice, speaking in almost a whisper. “I have to get to Chicago today. When’s the next flight?”
“Just the red-eye. But please take a seat now.”
The red-eye? When did that leave? Midnight? It wasn’t even noon ye
t. If we stayed at the airport for twelve hours, Cai would find us. He knew my family only flew ATA. When he found my letter, he could make one phone call and learn that the midday flight had been canceled and the next one would take off at midnight. He would have nothing to lose and everything to gain if he camped out at the airport to observe the passengers before they boarded the red-eye flight. (This was a year before 9/11 and anyone could pass through security to meet or bid farewell to people at the gate. Or intercept a wife who was about to abscond with his child.)
I fought back tears as I tried to think of a solution. There had to be a way to leave San Francisco sooner than midnight. “Can you book me on another airline before this evening?”
“Ma’am, please have a seat. I have to make the announcement and then I can reschedule you on an ATA flight. Please.”
I walked in defeat back to Jake and my mom, collapsing in the chair next to them.
“Our flight,” I choked. “It’s been canceled.”
“What?”
“They’re going to—”
And then we heard the overhead announcement. “—and if you can’t get on another flight today, you’ll receive a hotel voucher. Please come to the gate to reschedule—”
“I’ll be right back.” My mom placed Jake in my lap and grabbed the boarding passes from my hand. She dashed over to the long line that was forming in front of the desk. What if Cai’s afternoon classes were canceled and he found my letter earlier than I expected? We might have less time than I thought. So I quickly scanned our end of the terminal, terrified that I would find him storming our gate in fury to snatch Jake away from me. What if he showed up with the police?
“Susan.” My mom touched my shoulder, startling me. “There’s only a red-eye at eleven or a flight tomorrow morning at six. I’ll do whatever you want.”
“We can’t wait until tomorrow,” I snapped. “Can you get us on the red-eye? And a hotel voucher? We can’t stay here. He’ll find us.”
Good Chinese Wife Page 28