by Criss Copp
“It appears Silas just needs a bit of time off.” Mr Pearson says.
“Time off? Is he being suspended?” I ask.
Mr Pearson sighs and leans back in his chair.
“Unfortunately, there are ways to deal with bullies, and Silas’ ways are not tolerated here. I just need him to stay home for the rest of the week. I have to suspend him; if the circumstances were different, I’d have to expel him, and charges would be laid. Unfortunately this will display on his permanent record. The other party has been dealt with accordingly.” He explains.
“What happened Silas?” I ask, it seems I wasn’t going to get any answers from the principal.
“Gavin Martin was talking rudely to Sarah Tisdell... so I kicked him in the head.” He explains bluntly.
“What?” I ask, taken aback; I don’t know who he is talking about, and I am shocked at what he’s saying.
“Sarah Tisdell is one of our special needs students in a wheelchair. Apparently Gavin Martin, one of our seniors here, was behaving in an extremely rude fashion towards her...” he is explaining, when Silas interrupts.
“... he called her a legless retard!” he seethes.
“... and Silas took it upon himself to dish up justice.” Mr Pearson grimly completes his explanation.
“I see...” I say, squinting my eyes at the principal.
“What happened to this Gavin boy?” I ask.
“He’s on suspension.” Mr Pearson states.
I nod.
“Silas... let’s go!” I demand without further ceremony.
“Miss Tayte... can I suggest you look into Silas doing something like boxing, so he can release some of his aggression in a constructive way?” he reasons, while standing.
“Why? He already does swimming to burn off energy.” I explain.
“Yeah well, he knocked the boy’s two front teeth out and busted his lip; so maybe he needs something else.” He responds.
I nod again and walk out the door.
When we are out the front, and I’m handing Silas a helmet, I refer to the incident.
“How did you knock his teeth out?” I ask.
“I climbed up onto the lunch bench and kicked him in the face. Sarah’s a really nice girl... he had her in tears. I don’t even know what he was saying before that.” He explains, pulling the helmet over his head.
“Well, I shouldn’t say it... but I’m proud of you Silas for sticking up for the girl... but please... don’t do it like that again.” I say, climbing on my bike and steadying it for Silas to climb on pillion.
He nods just as he goes to get on.
...December...
“We’re closed over the holidays, but we’ll be returning at the end of January. We have Muay Thai, boxing of course, I teach the boxing, and karate; which are all very popular with the boys.” The nice older man says from behind a plexiglass screen at our local Police Citizens Youth Club.
“Are they on separate days?” I ask.
“Yep... he can do one or all three.” He explains.
I look at the brochures outlining the costs of each class.
“Are there discounts for doing multiple genres, or classes? Like if he does all three?” I ask.
“Sorry sweetie, but no... we run on next to nothing as it is, and the costs are so cheap... you won’t find those prices in private businesses.” He states smiling.
“Okay... thank you!” I say and head back out to my bike. I’m on my way home from another shift; and Silas will be home around the same time as me.
As much as I’d like to disagree with the principal, I actually do agree; so I’ve gone to the PCYC with this in mind, to establish a new routine for Silas, to get his angst out.
***
“Can I do two classes?” Silas requests, grabbing another piece of bread and eating it straight out of the bag.
I grab the bread, replacing the tie and shoving it out of his way, and then I turn to him.
“What about swimming?” I ask. “I can’t afford both classes and swimming.” I explain. The ticket is due on the 1st of January for renewal.
“I’ll give swimming up after the holidays.” He reasons.
I give a drastic sigh. I’ve enjoyed going swimming every day with him. But he’s getting bigger, and more aggressive. He may have only shown his aggression at school for the first time recently; but he’s doing it on a weekly basis at home. I’m starting to get scared, because I’m not able to physically haul him off to the back yard anymore.
“Okay.” I relent.
I’m caught here... Silas’ expenses far outweigh my own; but I can’t help trying to make him happy; and to help him in getting his demons released.
Counselling is super expensive; his meds are covered by the PBS but I just can’t see how they help him anymore. I’m falling a little into disarray. I’m not really anyone I’m familiar with anymore, I don’t know who I am, I gave me up a while ago!
I don’t date... my last fuck was Tim. And if anyone asks me, I just do my spiel and scare them off in rapid time....
“If you take me on, you need to be aware I’m a single parent to a 14 year old messed up kid that is big enough to kick your arse. If your still interested, I’ll have you meet him and ask him if he minds sharing space with you.” I usually say.
I wasn’t always like that. I did flirt like before, when I was free, for a while; but the conversation would inevitably baulk when he was mentioned... so I go straight there now, and I think anyone who walks away is a jackass. They always walk away.
Chapter Four: The Third Year
...April...
“Jade... can I tell you something?” Silas asks, sitting down next to me on the couch.
“Sure!” I reply, muting the television.
“I hear voices.” He blurts out.
“What do you mean you hear voices? Is someone at the front door?” I ask, looking over my shoulder.
“No... I mean, I hear someone talking sometimes and then when I look, there’s nobody there.” He explains.
“Like your inner conscience?” I ask.
“Maybe... what does your conscience sound like?” he asks.
“I don’t know... like myself I suppose; like when you read silently in your head.” I reason.
“Then no... not really... but then, maybe? I keep thinking it might be Dad... talking to me from the other side.” He says, slouching back into the couch.
“Oh...? How does it make you feel?” I ask curiously. I’m not sure about ghost stuff.
He shrugs... “Okay I guess.” He says nonchalantly.
“Have you told your counsellor?” I ask.
“No... I don’t really feel worried about it, but I wondered if I should be.” He says.
“Should I be worried about it?” I ask.
“Nup... just wanted you to know.” He says, leaning in and giving me a kiss on my temple.
“Okay.” I say, but I file this conversation away for later; I’ll think about it later.
...September...
“I fucking hate school... if you make me go back there, I’m going to burn it down!” Silas shouts ferociously as he storms through the front door.
I’m in my room getting out of my work uniform.
“What happened?” I say, rushing out in my underwear, and trying to pull some gym pants up my legs and a sweater over my top for comfort.
“Trent Davenport told Shae Leveritt that I’m hot for her... and she said, not in a million years!” he fumes, walking into the kitchen. I follow him.
“Oh... are you hot for her?” I ask without thinking.
“Farrrck!” he screams; punching the fridge and making a slight indentation on the front surface to go with the others.
“That’s it... go outside and punch the boxing bag.” I demand.
“I fucking hate everyone. I’m going to kill them all one day! I’m going to go into that school and pull out a bowie knife and slice and dice them all to pieces.” He says, slamming his shoulder to th
e back door to get outside.
“You know you can’t talk like that Silas... it’s horrible.” I explain.
“You told me to tell the truth... I’m telling you the fucking truth!” he screams; throwing a punch at the navy blue bag slung up over a beam under the awning.
“What about those innocent people Silas... you stick up for so many of them, but you’d then turn around and kill them in such bloodthirsty circumstances?” I reason.
Most of the time I don’t believe him when he goes off, but sometimes I’m a bit scared.
“They’d be better off dead! I wish I was fucking dead!” he says, and then suddenly, he’s crying, great big heart wrenching sobs.
“Silas...” I softly croon; going to him and holding him in my arms.
He’s only an inch or so shorter than me now, but he’s all muscle. He’s a 15 year old, powerfully built machine. I’ve been thinking that it wasn’t perhaps the best idea to show a mentally unstable teenager how to fight; he’s excelling in his classes, Muay Thai and boxing!
“Silas...” I croon again.
“Please Jade... I wish you knew how I feel inside... I’m so torn, I’m always so torn and I need to get away from myself.” He argues. His tears are huge, falling down his face; and his whole body is moving with his sobs.
“What do you want me to do?” I whine. I don’t know what to do, he’s always so hard to figure out; so prone to anger and outbursts.
“I’m a coward... but I want to die!” He says pleadingly stressing the ‘want.’ “Please kill me Jade... when I’m asleep tonight... come in and stab me... straight through my heart... please!” He begs me.
“No!” I answer in shocked alarm. I can’t believe this; he’s serious, he seriously thinks it’s a good idea to ask me to kill him and put him out of his misery.
“Please Jade... I won’t struggle... just wait till I’m asleep.” He bargains.
“No Silas... I would never do that for you!” I argue in shock.
“Fuck! Fuck it all to hell!” He screams as he collapses to the concrete.
Nobody told me about the difficulty of raising teenage boys; but even had they done so, I’m sure it would still be easier to raise an average teenage boy over Silas. Inside, deep in my gut... and behind my rib cage... and down to my toes... my soul is shattering. I’m so fractured and broken, I don’t know the old Jade anymore; she’s floating on one of those pieces of fractured soul in the miasma that is barely focusing me together.
I continue to pretend to everyone that everything is okay; that I am okay! In reality, I’m just not here. I’m in the ‘somewhere,’ wherever that is; waiting for my opportunity to break free... trapped in a torment that is never ending... but I’m not here!
Silas’ pain is my pain...
My pain is my pain...
All loss is my loss...
I don’t begin or end. I’m a desolate husk of a fractured being that has no idea how to heal, because nobody wants to save me. Not even Silas; because he’s struggling too much with the demons that desperately cling to his soul. And because I define myself within his struggle to be free of them, I am a slave to the drama; a slave to the feeling of helplessness that engulfs me every time Silas struggles to keep his feet walking one step at a time. I wanted so much to be my own person, free and unencumbered, it will never be like that again! I hate that Jade now... she’s an accomplishment I’ll never know; she left me behind in this chaos... I hate her... I hate me!
***
“Miss Tayte?” Silas’ doctor indicates that I can enter now.
Silas remains with his head in his hands, seated next to Doctor Ingal’s desk; and he appears completely destroyed.
“I’m increasing the dose of Sertraline for him, and I think we can get rid of the Dex Amphetamines, since they don’t appear to be working anyway; I think it’s questionable that he ever had ADHD. I’d like to see him having 50mg of Phenergan every night to assist him to sleep; and I’d like to see him for a review in a fortnight’s time.
I need help with Silas, and of course that help seems to always consist of taking more pills that don’t solve the problem.
Help is never packaged the way you need it. I need a holiday... I need to know that another Jade can walk in and take my spot and do things the way that Silas needs them to be done. And then I need to take off for a month and get my shit together; have time to scream and kick and hit... to tell the cosmos that I fucking hate it! That should take about five days. And after that, I’ll need the rest of the month to glue myself back together... puzzle piece by puzzle piece.
Nobody even offers me any real kind of help. Nobody tells me I’m doing a good job; and nobody lets me know if it’s all going to be okay; or even warn me about the dilemma that is looming around the corner!
So we’re back to pretending. I’m back to crying in the dark and being everything I can for Silas in the day, because it’s the only way I can define myself at all; by building him up and giving him a reason to live and grow.
It’s official... my life sux... a whole lot!
Chapter Five: The Fifth Year
...January…
“God... I’m so proud of you!” I squeal, as I wrap Silas in my arms and squeeze... “First day at work!” I enthuse.
“Get off me you freak.” He says half heartedly but with a genuine smile.
“No more school!” I enthuse.
“Thank fuck!” Silas swears, and pushes my head away from him.
“Hands off the head and face dickhead!” I snap good naturedly.
“I’m the dickhead?” he laughs.
“Yes... I don’t even have access to a dick!” I reason.
“Too much information!” he groans.
“Whatever! Have you got your lunch packed?” I ask him, as he goes to place his backpack on. And as for the dick comment... I’ve had it with guys. I’ve not made it easy, sure; but I have put myself out there... I have been on dating sites, and I get on really well with them, until I talk about my brother and explain I’m his carer, and just tentatively warn them about his aggressive behaviours. Then they back right the fuck off! I’m pretty sick of the male population, they’re all arseholes... NO exception; that includes present company! As for his lunch, he’ll be hungry if he hasn’t got something in there.
“I thought you did that for me!” he says, but then smiles.
“Go get on your bike!” I say, giving him a playful kick in the arse.
He salutes me, and heads for the door with his helmet.
The best thing about being 16 years old and on your learners for a bike is that you can ride without supervision; after you’ve done the mandatory classes for the RTAs purposes.
He’s riding my old 250, since I’ve upgraded to a 650, as a graduation present... to me! Before I bought it, we’d share my bike; so he’s pretty happy he doesn’t have to ask my permission to go anywhere.
I nearly died when he was offered the job as a Sheetmetal Fabrication Apprentice. It’s a four year apprenticeship, and he’ll be at work four days and at Tech for one. It’s so good, I can hardly breathe.
Even better is the fact that I have secured a graduate position with a major teaching hospital. I’ll begin working in March as a Registered Nurse.
This should mean that both Silas and I are on the rise; both working, and earning money... we should be able to move into something a little nicer soon.
...June…
“Hello?” I answer the phone groggily, looking at the clock. I did a night shift and only got home three hours ago... I am in dream land.
“Jade? Is that you?” Brian, Silas’ boss says frantically down the phone.
“Yes Brian, you woke me, I just did a night shift.” I explain.
“Shit... Jade, I need you to come and get Silas... now! He’s gone nuts... We’re scared, and if you can’t come down here, I’ll call the cops.” He explains.
“Shit... I’m coming!” I say frantically, before hanging up, jumping out of bed and pull
ing off my pyjamas and pulling on jeans. I just put a jumper on over my pyjama top, and I grab my boots, pulling them on without socks, and then throw my helmet on... I’m now flying out the door.
***
“Quieten down Silas.” I shout at him. He’s in a corner of the workshop, a wild look in his eyes and a hammer in his hand. He’s screaming out intermittently that he’s ‘not like that...’ and he ‘won’t do that!’ He’s super scary and I decide he’s too much for me.
“I’m so sorry Brian... but we need to call an ambulance.” I explain. I don’t want the cops involved, the ambulance can do the same thing; they can come and get him and take him to get observed.
I’m crying. Brian is dialling on the portable phone, and Silas is warning everyone away. I’m walking toward Silas now, and crooning to him to come to me. It’s heartbreaking that this has happened in front of all these big burly men. He reminds me of a cornered dog; scared as all hell, but baring his teeth in a standoff. He throws the hammer hard at the wall and begins to run to the side of me, laughing in a high pitched giggle. He ducks out of the workshop; he’s climbing a ladder towards the roof.
I run after him and grab his legs. He kind of kicks but I’ve got my arms around both legs and I’m holding on for dear life.
“Jade... no Jade... your stopping me from jumping!” he reasons gleefully.
I look to the roof and then back down. “You’ll die if you jump Silas... you can’t jump!” I plead.
“No.... don’t be stupid! I know parkour! I’ll be okay... you’ll see!” he reasons.
“No you don’t! You know Muay Thai and boxing... and swimming! Now please... get down!” I cry.
“Jade... Jade... you don’t understand... I do know how to jump... I’ll roll at the end, and you’ll see I can do it!” he says in softer tones.
“Please Silas... show me another day... not today... I’m tired because I just got off of work!” I reason.
“But I need to do it now... Logan says it needs to be now!” he shouts.