by Criss Copp
“Fuck! That can happen?” I ask incredulously.
“Yep, some girls don’t have anything... no vagina, no ovaries, nothing!” he says, “Look it up on the internet!” he challenges me.
“So, Shae has nothing too?” I ask a little bewildered.
“No man; she has everything else, just no uterus. We have fantastic sex, and there’s no time of the month; no need for condoms; no accidents.” he explains, ticking each off on his fingers.
“Oh...” I say pathetically.
“The thing is... I want a kid, or two! But I don’t want mine!” he says.
This is a foreign concept to me; if I’m having a kid; it’s definitely going to be mine!
“Really?” I ask.
“Really! So Shae’s absolutely perfect for me. We are simply perfect for each other. I wouldn’t wish my illness on anyone. I couldn’t live with myself if I passed this shit on to my child. It’s hereditary you know!” he explains.
“With Jade too?” I ask selfishly.
“Yeah, there’s about a 5% chance that her kid will develop it. It comes from our father’s side; but Dad didn’t have it. His Dad did, and his sister did. I got it, of course. The funny thing is that we didn’t know why we never saw my Dad’s family till after I was diagnosed, and Jade did some digging around.” He explains.
“What about you... what are your chances?” I ask.
“15-20% chance of passing it on!” he says deflatedly. “Jade is good, one in twenty is a good bet. One in five isn’t! Not good enough for me!” he reasons.
I work through the idea that Jade and I could have a kid like Silas. It makes my stomach feel like lead, but I quickly reorganise the thoughts and recognise that I’ll risk it, I’ll risk it for one kid!
“So, how are you planning on having these kids that aren’t yours?” I ask.
“Adopting!” he says, smiling. “There are heaps of kids that need a loving home!”
“You might adopt kids that have bigger problems!” I argue.
“Yeah, but it won’t be my fault!” he reasons.
“Touché!” I grant him his argument. “Silas, you’re older and in many ways wiser in the head than anyone I’ve ever met at your age!” I compliment him.
“Thank you, tell Shae that! She thinks I deserve better! I think she’s delusional and should accept that we’re meant for each other!” he laughs softly.
“Keep working on her, she’ll come around!” I offer.
“I know, I’m a stubborn bastard.” He announces.
We pull up outside the truck hire company and fill the tank with petrol at the depot. Afterwards, we hop on our bikes and ride for home.
Jade.
“Sabrina, you’re looking really worn out today, let me grab the moisturiser and I’ll give your hands and feet a massage while the men are getting dinner ready.” I inform her, jumping up from the stool, where I had been enjoying a cup of coffee and a quick chat to Silas and Ben about their day moving stuff... and a counter conversation about mine at work.
“You don’t have to do that, you’ve been working hard all day! Your feet must be killing you!” she argues.
“My feet are, but they’re not what are going to be rubbing your hands and feet! I’ll try using my hands this time!” I joke.
She smiles at me from over in her recliner.
I walk down the hallway and into her room to grab the moisturiser. Turning around, I bump up against Ben.
“You trying to get on my Mum’s good side?” he says, pulling me into him.
“I’m already there!” I brag.
He smiles his big dimpled grin at me. “So are you trying to win points to get into my pants!” he says sexily, leaning forward and kissing me softly on the lips. His lips are warm, inviting and tempting.
“I’ve already been there too!” I say breathlessly as I fall under his spell and slowly return his soft kissing movements with movements of my own, lightly tracing the bottom edge of his top lip and slipping my tongue inside to taste him deeper.
I feel his groan in his chest rise up and rumble through his throat.
“Can I tempt you to a quick diversion in our room?” he asks me, sliding his hands over my arse and cupping my cheeks to pull me in tighter.
“I’m tempted, but I offered to take care of your Mum’s feet and hands!” I say, pulling back from him, at least my chest is pulling back. He still has my arse in his hands.
“I’m taking a rain check on that then, in bed tonight!” he insists.
“Well you’ll be getting cataclysmic blow jobs, because I got my period today.” I reason.
“Win win! I get to lay back and be satisfied... you get to have a break, except if I catch you in the shower, you can’t escape me in there! And best thing ever...” he says with serious joy... “No. More. Condoms!” he whisper shouts and then does a really stupid sound that’s meant to sound like crowds of people cheering; because I’ll now be covered by the pill.
“Yes, no more condoms!” I chuckle. “I swear, that’s all guys think of; dipping their wick in without the rubber!” I drolly say.
“No fucking way! I was never without my trench coat buddy for all those years I was fucking meaningless chicks. In no way did I want to dip my wick into any of those pussies without protection!” He says in all seriousness and shocked resignation.
“Well that’s... nice!” I respond, pushing back again for him to get the idea that he needs to release me.
“On Monday, Mum’s got that appointment. Did you remember to ask if you could change to an afternoon shift?” he asks me.
“I did, and I can’t change. But Steve my NUM said that I can take my break whenever you need me to. So, I’ll wait for you to call up to ICU, otherwise I’ll be sitting around not being any help in the waiting room; and then having to go back before you even get to see anyone.” I explain. It’s the best I could do. We’re short staffed this week coming.
“Okay, sounds good.” He says.
I smile and nod and he lets me go. I know he’s desperately worried about his mum, because she is looking pretty ill, and she’s lost so much weight! I’m thinking she hasn’t got long to go, in many ways, it’s been rather amazing she’s come this far.
“Okay Sabrina, put up or shut up.” I say, sitting down on the footstool and imploring her to give me her feet. She laughs and slowly lifts her left foot, which I swoop in to grab and guide to my lap.
“A little bird told me that you have a birthday in two weeks.” I say, as I begin smoothing moisturiser on her foot.
“What a cheeky bird!” she says softly, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation of my massaging.
“She was a cheeky bird; she also told me you would be turning 58.” I whisper.
“That damned bird! I was hoping nobody would remember!” she chuckles.
“Don’t worry; you don’t look a day over 56.” I reason.
Sabrina giggles and gives me a weak little kick with her foot.
I continue rubbing her foot and watch as she drifts off. When I finish her left foot and place it to the floor, I go to retrieve the right foot, only to see her begin to lift it for me.
“You’re a snake in the grass Sabrina; playing possum!” I joke with her.
She sighs and smiles.
“You’ll take care of him for me, won’t you!” she queries quietly, referring to Ben.
“If he’ll let me.” I whisper back.
“He already has, just don’t keep running away.” She begs softly.
“I won’t.” I respond.
“Please, please promise that you’ll never run away again... it’s such a waste of time!” she pleads and sighs, yet her eyes remain closed.
“I promise, but I can’t say I won’t want to!” I reason.
“Fair enough, I’m happy with that!” she nods in agreement.
“Sabrina?” I call softly.
“Yes Jade.” She answers, finally opening her eyes to look at me.
“Thank you, than
ks for letting me in.” I say in gratitude, smoothing the arch of her foot and then rubbing the heel.
“Thank you for letting me love you!” she says.
I can’t breathe; no way... I’ve stopped breathing, and I can barely swallow. So instead, I push her foot to the side, lean up and give her a soft kiss on the cheek.
“I love you too.” I manage to whisper in her ear.
“Good, I’m glad we sorted that out... I always wanted a daughter! It’s good to finally have one!” she states, smoothing the palm of her hand over my cheek.
I sit back down and continue on with my massaging.
Ben.
I’m just standing there and swallowing the huge lump that’s formed in my throat; and the fucking thing just won’t go down! They think I can’t hear... they’re whispering away and think that I can’t hear because I’m cutting and peeling and preparing in the kitchen. But I did hear Jade accuse my Mum of being a snake, which lead me to come and see what they were up to.
I watch as my Mum makes her pleas to Jade on my behalf. I watch as Jade promises to stay with me, to stay and never run away again. I watch my Mum tell Jade that she loves her, and I watch Jade get up and kiss her in response before leaning in and gravely and quietly tell her she loves her in return.
My Mum claims her in that moment, and my heart feels so much pain that I can’t understand how something so beautiful can hurt so much!
All I know is that Jade and Silas are now my family... that I found them when my other family were dying out. I know that I love Jade so much it hurts, and I can’t change the horrible path I’m wandering down; only the people I get to share the journey with.
I can’t help the tears as they form in my eyes, I can’t help the sting in my throat as the pain transcends the confines of my heart and travels up to burn through my oesophagus; I can’t prevent the gulping bubble of wrenching pain that erupts from my lungs; I can only place my hand over my mouth and ‘will it’ that nobody can hear me. But Silas does, he’s behind me and pulling me back into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry.” He says, as he forces me away from them.
I can’t say anything just yet; I just shake my head and hold my mouth to stop all sound from erupting. I haven’t cried as yet; this is the first time.
Silas is still holding me. I realise that he’s holding me and hugging me fiercely to help me keep it all in. I find myself leaning into him.
“You’re the best man I know... I wish I could help you more.” He says.
Who are you? I think. How did I manage to find you both and get to keep you?
I will my voice to settle.
“Silas... you’re one of the best people I know.” I manage to say in my gravelly and emotionally soaked voice. “You understand things that people four times your age can’t fathom... you’re an old soul in a young body.” I argue, he let’s go of me and steps back. “You do more than you could possibly know!” I explain.
“I’m a fuck up!” he says solemnly, “So I get to see the bad shit from the inside. If it means that I can help in some way, then I guess there’s some benefit to being the way I am.” He reasons, clapping me softly on the back and going back to his culinary preparations.
***
“Is there someone we can call for you Ben?” the nurse asks. And I’m nodding, because I meant to ask a moment ago for them to call Jade down; before my Mum just dropped that bombshell on me... informing the doctor that she’s had enough... she wants to stop all treatment.
Now I’m just hyperventilating and I’m about to pass out.
“Jade... ICU!” I say.
“Jade in ICU? Is she visiting someone?”
“No dear,” my Mum says, “she’s his significant other. She’s a nurse there.” She explains.
“Oh, okay.” She says. “I’ll just buzz through and try to get her to come down shall I?” she asks.
“I’d really like for you to do that.” Mum confirms.
“Okay.” She says, leaving the room.
“Sabrina...” the Doctor begins. “I’m sorry our treatment hasn’t done more for you. The tumours have increased in size again; you must be experiencing a great deal of pain.” He says.
“Yes, I think it’s time to call it a day!” she replies.
“I can organise pain medications for you... are you wanting to stay home?” he says...
...but I can’t focus on anything he says from this point. My Mum has just informed me she’s ready to die, and I feel like someone’s taken my heart out, thrown it on the concrete and started to bash it with a sledgehammer.
Jade.
I run into the Oncology department and skid to a halt at the nurse’s desk.
“Hi... I’m Jade. Suki called me to come immediately?” I explain.
The nurse with a slight Japanese appearance looks at me and smiles. “Come through Jade.”
She shows me to a consultation room.
Ben is hyperventilating in the corner and looking like he’s about to pass out, he’s actually being given oxygen. Sabrina is holding his hand and talking to the doctor.
I quickly slip in the door and go straight to Ben’s side, crouching down.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“It’s okay Jade, he’s just in a bit of shock and was going to pass out!” Sabrina says.
I don’t know what possesses me to say it, but I know what is happening. “You’ve chosen to stop treatment.” I say. She nods, so I ask, “It’s worse?”
“It was always going to be terminal.” She reasons.
“Palliative treatment?” I ask.
“Yes...” the doctor begins, “We’re just going through the options of community nursing programs, versus one of our nurses attending daily; since Sabrina wants to stay at home.” He says softly... sweetly.
I close my eyes, because what I’m about to say will probably kill Ben. I open them again, and take his other hand; the one that Sabrina doesn’t have; and then in my other hand, I take Sabrina’s hand, so we’re kind of joined in a weird circle. I take a deep breath, look Sabrina in the eyes and hold both their hands tightly.
“Sabrina, do you want to die at home?” I ask. Its heart breaking, it’s blunt, but it’s a question that broaches no misunderstanding.
“Yes Jade, I want to die at home!” She sighs and smiles at me.
I just broke Ben’s heart because I can hear him gasp... I’m not ready to look at him just yet, I just squeeze his hand.
“Sabrina, I’ll look after you at home... I’ll help Ben look after you. I’ll go back now and tell them I’m taking the next 8 weeks off that I’m owed in holidays, and I’ll take care of you and him.” I offer.
She smiles, and a tear slips out. “I’d like that.” She says.
I don’t get to look at Ben, because I’m unable to turn in his bone crushing embrace that he has engulfed me in.
***
September is a cool month in Newcastle. The calendar will show you that it is spring. And indeed, the trees are budding; the grass is gaining length after its winter stint; and the air in the middle of the day has a blanket appeal that promises warmth in the near future... but the nights can still be cold, and the days can often remain crisp.
Sabrina’s birthday was the Monday before she died. It was a beautiful day... 19 degrees Celsius. We sat on the front landing and threw water bombs down at the boys, for a brief while anyway; since they were meant to be tidying the hedge and cleaning up the garden as a present for Sabrina at her request, until they started ganging up on Shae and me, and it was no longer any fun. The whole thing had been Sabrina’s idea in the first place!
We ate pizza for dinner, at her request... and not the bought rubbish kind! The Benjamin Reynolds kind, his home made kind, which begins life as flour, salt, yeast and oil, and ends up with delicious toppings on a fabulous base.
I can cook; I’m actually not that bad. But apart from taking a little direction, as in kitchenhand assistance; I haven’t been allowed to cook sinc
e I moved in. Ben likes to.
We didn’t buy presents, we were asked not to. We did nice things for Sabrina instead... it was an indulging day.
Shae didn’t get the memo of no presents, but she did well. She bought a huge bunch of flowers... bright colours, a complete mixture! It must’ve cost her a bunch of money. Sabrina had her divide them up and place them on the bedside and also on her dressing table. They looked so pretty.
The Thursday she died was like every day that week. Crisp morning; a cool but nice bright day... and a happy and uncomplicated smile on her face.
It was the cyanosis that told me we were so very, very close.
The previous day she was showing some signs on her fingers and toes. Thursday came and it was travelling further towards her centre.
“Thank you Jade...” she says with difficulty.
It’s 6:00am, and her subcutaneous morphine needs to be replaced... it’s beeping at me and telling me it’s time to place the new syringe in.
“That’s okay, I’ll just get this done, and then I’ll get Ben to come in and we’ll pop you up and you can have a cuppa if you like.” I say.
She doesn’t reply, she just sighs.
I quickly sort out her morphine, and I go to our bedroom and shake Ben.
“Get up, today’s the day!” I inform him.
“She’s gone?” he says suddenly flying out of bed.
“No, just go and get showered, because you’ll need to say goodbye, she’s going.” I explain.
He runs out of the room, checks on his Mum and then he’s jumping in the shower. He has plans to read a book to her all day to see her pass. It was her idea; it’s her favourite story of triumph. Earnest Hemingway... The Old Man and the Sea. She read it when she was a teenager, as a part of her schooling, and she always liked it.
Ben reads the short novel from cover to cover. He’s not a fast reader, but he doesn’t stumble... he’s a solid reader. Silas sits and listens for some of it, but he’s not so good with it for long. He goes to his room after an hour.
I go in frequently and check everything. I go in and provide some mouth care, I provide some pressure area care from time to time as well, I check her pulse... I check on Ben, and when I go in at 2:00pm and she’s no longer breathing, and she’s no longer got a pulse... and Ben’s got his face in his hands on the bed, I go to her and say goodbye.