A battle I know I am going to lose, miserably.
I returned to the rest of our group, though the party is winding down and they're becoming more subdued. I can tell that Kyle and Talon will be taking Addison back shortly because I can see her starting to fade, that's when Kyle approaches me.
"What's goin' on, man?" he asks as he sits down next to me. I purposefully sat with my back to Mouse and his chick because I didn't want to be tempted to look.
"Nada, you?"
He shrugs. "Same as always," he says with a hint of something more simmering under the surface.
"Spit it out, man, come on."
He leans forward, closer to me. "I was just wondering if you and…"
"No, and I'm pretty sure it's never going to happen," I tell him before he can say his name.
"Why do you say that?"
I give him a very pointed look. "Can you not see what's happening behind me?"
He sighs, "I do, but um, you just crawled out of the bathroom, alone. What do you expect?" He throws the obvious back at me and I want to argue with him, but he’s absolutely right.
"Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do, wait forever?"
"No," he smiles, "You fight for it. You follow your gut." I look at Kyle, unable to really say anything at the moment. Kyle's very attractive and I would have to say, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he was bi until he met Addison and everything changed for them. Giving me hope that I didn't have before. Hope that just maybe, I might get what I think I want.
"I often wonder if it's worth it," I grumble.
"What do you mean exactly?"
"What if I'm wrong? What if I'm really chasing after something that I have no business wanting; someone that isn't at least curious," I tell him.
"Haven't you guys ever talked about…"
I can't help the sigh as my chest tightens while I remember that night… a couple years ago…
"I'm so damn drunk," Mouse laughs.
I've been fighting the urge all night, afraid that maybe, just maybe, I would be taking advantage of him, but he keeps touching me. Keeps wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. What in the hell am I supposed to do?
Finally Mouse plops down on the park bench. We've just played a show and in true 69 Bottles’ fashion, we got drunk afterwards. I sit down next to him and he slides a little closer to me. He stinks of drink though I'm not sure I smell a whole lot better than he does. I think my head is a little clearer, maybe.
That's when he turns his head in my direction, looking like he wants to kiss me…
I steal the chance, placing my lips against his, firmly. There is a brief moment of warmth and electricity that passes between us and then it is suddenly wiped away when he pulls back and throws up all over the ground in front of us. Being the gentleman my mother raised me to be, I take him home. When I went to leave, he stopped me, asked me to stay, so I did.
The next morning, it was almost like nothing happened. I think my heart cracked a little that day and any time I tried to bring it up to him, ask him if it was the alcohol or if he truly felt that way about me, the subject gets changed.
"Eric."
Talon's voice brings me back to the present. "Yeah?"
"We're gonna take off," he says, looking to Kyle and Addie and then back to me.
I look at Kyle and answer his earlier question, "Not directly, no."
Kyle gives me a sad smile. "Maybe it's time you tell him."
I shrug and we all say goodnight. I decided, against my better judgment, to go and pull the chick off of Mouse, but when Talon, Kyle and Addison are gone, I turn around and so is Mouse. I look to the bathroom and standing vigil near the door is Casey. "Fuck."
I turn to Troy, "They'll be fine, right?"
"Yeah. Casey's got him."
"Good, let's go."
"You don't…"
"Nope," I snap and storm past Troy toward the door.
"But you always stay and wait." Troy tries to stop me.
"Not tonight," I tell him and I keep walking, crashing through the door and walking toward one of the two remaining vehicles.
"Yo, Peacock." I roll my eyes.
"Hey, I didn't know you were still here. Ready to go back?" I ask Dex as he runs up to me.
"Yeah," he says as he catches his breath.
"You drunk?"
He snorts. "I fucking wish."
"You holding up alright?"
"Do we really have to talk about this?" The tone of his voice tells me that if we do, it's not going to be pleasant.
"No."
"Good, so how was…"
I give him a stern look as we both reach opposite sides of the car to climb in. "How about we make a deal? You don't talk about Raine and where she is, and I won't talk about the bad blowjob I got in the bathroom stall. Deal?"
"Fine." We both open our doors. "I don't care about that. I want to talk about Calvin."
His eyes glint with a hint of mischief, something he's notorious for. "What the hell, Dex? Is this gang up on Peacock night? Because Kyle already accosted me. He's off the discussion table too." I scowl at him.
"You take away all my fun," Dex grumbles as we climb in.
"Seriously, did you guys all conspire to talk to me?"
"Yes," he says with a laugh. Though I think he intended to brush it off as a non-discussion among the four or more of them, I honestly believe this is their way of an intervention.
"Well, I'm done talking about it," I say solemnly. "What's the point in talking about it with you, Kyle, Addison or anyone else for that matter when the person I really need to talk to has been avoiding me like the plague?"
"Well, maybe it's time to trap him. Force him to talk to you. Shit, y'all are staying in the same damn hotel room and you’re stuck on the same fucking bus, so maybe it's time to pull up the big girl panties and talk to him."
I scowl at him, but he drops the subject, obviously making his point in the most Dex way possible, the fewer the words the better.
We ride back to the hotel in silence, something not entirely uncommon around Dex, at least Dex pre-girlfriend. I don't know what that chick has done to him, but damn, she's sure as shit straightened his ass out.
Once in my room, I climb in the shower. I’m out and combing through my hair, realizing that I need to re-dye it before the show in Miami when there is a knock at the door. I wrap a towel around my waist and open the door.
Shit. I knew I should have looked. "Where's your key?" I ask him. Our eyes meet and grab hold of each other, refusing to let the other go. The familiar pull I feel when I look at him is there, it's always right fucking there.
"Will you let me in?"
"Do I have to? I mean, you don't even have a key."
He gives me a smirk. "Oh, I have it, just wanted to drag you out of bed." I watch as his eyes roam over my nearly naked body before finally looking away. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was turning green.
"I…" I hesitate, "Yeah, fine, whatever." I hold the door open for him to come in, he ducks under my arm and my eyes meet Casey's in the hallway. He just gives me a smile and I close the door just as Casey's eyes dart down then back up. I look…fuck. "Give me a minute," I tell Calvin as I slip back into the bathroom, grabbing a pair of flannel pajama pants from my suitcase, not that it's going to hide the hard-on that sprouted the moment I opened the door, it's at least a little respectful and less likely to break free.
I stare at myself in the mirror, take a few deep breaths as I pull my hair back and tie it up to keep it off my face. I take one more deep breath before leaving the steamy bathroom.
When I round the corner, Mouse is sitting in the chair near the window, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He lifts his head, his eyes are slightly red around the edges and if I didn't know better, I would think he'd been crying. "What's up?" I ask him softly.
"I need to say something that I've needed to say for a long time."
The tone in h
is voice is hesitant, scared even, and I take a seat on the edge of the bed, awkwardly, I might add. "So say it." Is this it?
"I don't want you, Eric. I'm not the type of person you think I am and I am certainly not the person you want me to be. That is impossible for me."
"Whoever said I want…" I give him a stern look. He's tried this before, or at least made an attempt at progressing our relationship in the past, opening up to me, trying to kiss me, things like that, but unfortunately, there is always copious amounts of alcohol involved and that makes it impossible to tell what's really what. Reality versus the fantasy.
"I'm not stupid, or blind, Eric. I see you watching me, waiting to see what I'm going to do or who I'm going to do it with and I can't…" The steam I thought I'd built up before coming in here tonight slowly starts to fade away. My fight draining, I close my eyes, hoping that the truth doesn't show through in my eyes.
"I'm not the only one watching, you know? I saw you tonight, standing on the balcony watching me, and after the conversations everyone keeps trying to have with me tonight, everyone already thinks there is something going on between us, they're just impatient for us to come out with it."
His eyes meet mine. "That's never going to happen, it's impossible."
"Why, Calvin? Why is it impossible? That's the part in all of this that I don't understand." He stands up and takes a step toward me.
"Remember, that night, a couple years ago, the night you kissed me?"
"The night you puked all over my shoes…yeah, I remember, Calvin, I remember it like it was fucking yesterday. The night neither one of us has ever talked about…a night I was certain you didn't remember." I watch as frustration and anger creep over Eric's features. His hands clench and unfurl, repeatedly.
"Oh, I remember, Eric. I remember it like it was fucking ten minutes ago. I can't fucking forget it, but this… between us, cannot and will never happen." I gesture between the two of us.
"Why, Calvin? Just tell me why?"
"Because I'm not…" I can't even say the word. I can't even admit it to myself, let alone him, that I'm not gay, because it’s a lie, a god-awful fucking lie that I wish like hell I didn't have to use. I wish I didn't have to try and convince myself that I'm not gay, because…fuck!
"That's what I thought." Eric takes another step in my direction, followed by another, then another. I try to back away but I can't. I’m trapped against the wall of the hotel room. His approach is slow, but steady. He doesn’t want to scare me, I can see that in his eyes. My body is locked down, my fists clench hard enough that I can feel my nails biting into my palms, excitement and fear play war inside me.
"Because I don't deserve you." I finally manage to speak, though barely above a whisper. "Because you deserve to be with someone who can love you back. I'm not that person, Eric. I can't love you back."
"You won't even let yourself try, so how do you know you can't love me back?"
"Because, Eric, every time I look at you I can think of nothing but you. Nothing but your lips and the way they would taste on mine, your touch against my skin and the love I know you have for me."
Eric stops in his tracks, staring me down with his eyes scared but yet that warmth, the love he has for me, shines back at me. "How?" he breathes.
"Because everything I see when I look at you, I feel it too. I know you see it in my eyes, I know it is the reason you can't let go of me. I know it's there but goddammit, Eric, it is buried so far down inside of me that I cannot unlock it. I cannot find the key. No matter how many times I try. No matter how many times I kiss you, no matter how many fucking times I tell myself it is all in my head, it's not. I can't get past it, I can't unlock it. I can't let it go."
I watch his eyes turn from warmth to confusion, my cryptic words making it hard for him to understand where it is that I am coming from. Words that I can't…
"Maybe if you explain it to him, you'll have your answers. Tell him what hides inside you and let him decide for himself."
Dr. V's words ring in my head once again. Can I do this? Can I bring myself to explain to him exactly why I cannot love him? Why we can't be together?
I drop my eyes from his, fighting the war inside of me isn't something I need him to see. I need to…
Suddenly, his hands are on my cheeks, his fingers in my hair, tilting my head up to look at him. "Try, Calvin," he whispers.
"I wish I could…I wish it could be different. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but it is and it has to be," I say through clenched teeth as I fight the rising bile in my stomach, fight my muscles from locking down and holding me prisoner within my own skin, but it's too late. Eric's lips land hard and fast against mine. For the briefest of moments the world washes away and I am alone. I am free, freer than anything I have ever felt before.
The feeling vanishes in the blink of an eye when my body locks down, bile rises beyond the point of managing it…beyond what I can handle. I cough and sputter while Eric pulls back, though he doesn't release me. My body shakes and convulses and he releases me in disgust. "What the fuck, Calvin?" As it should be.
I turn and dart into the bathroom to retch, instinct takes over when I see him approaching me. "Don't. Just stay there." He doesn't stop, he comes closer. "Don't fucking touch me." The urge to flee takes over. I flush the toilet and dart from the bathroom and our hotel room.
Fuck! FUCK! Fuck!
"Whoa, dude, you alright?" I look at Casey.
"No, let me into your room."
"No, not until you tell me what's wrong?"
"I'm drunk, I need to go to bed."
"Bullshit," Casey calls me out. "You've barely drank anything tonight. Try again."
"Fuck off, now move." I push on him, but he's a brick shithouse and doesn't move.
The gravity of what's happened, again, washes over me and my stomach rolls. "Seriously, I'm going to fucking hurl all over your shitkickers if you don't fucking let me in your room."
"So hurl."
"This is none of your fucking business." I punch the wall next to his door. My hand throbs briefly, but the pain is a welcome relief. It's enough to pull the tears out of my eyes and back into my skull where they fucking belong.
"Did he hurt you?" Casey's voice turns serious and I look at him.
"Ugh! No. Why would you ask me that?"
He shrugs. "It's my job."
"Fuck off, it is not. Since when do you care about fights?"
"Because, he's your best fucking friend, Calvin, that's why I care."
Sadness washes over me. "Not anymore."
Casey and I argued for a couple more minutes before Talon came out in the hall. Casey finally let me get into his room and I slammed the door in his face, I'll apologize tomorrow.
I text Dr. V.
It happened again, only this time, I was stone cold sober…
CASEY came in some time after I fell asleep, thank god, because I wasn't in the mood for his inquisition; which I know is coming.
I tried to sneak out before anyone else got up this morning but failed miserably. Addison, Talon, Kyle, Beck and Mills are all in the hallway when I come out of Casey's room.
"Why were you in there?" Talon asks me and all I can do is stare daggers at him, hoping like hell he won't press the subject.
"What's the plan for today?" I ask, changing the subject.
"Not much, just some shopping. We have to leave this afternoon to drive down to Miami. Did you need to go somewhere?" Mills asks.
"Anywhere but here," I say stoically.
"Mouse?" Addison says and I look at her. "Can we talk?"
I roll my eyes. "There isn't anything to talk about."
"I beg to differ. Just you and me?"
I sigh, "Fine."
She turns to the guys. "Go ahead, we'll stay here."
I watch as Talon and Kyle both nod their acceptance and kiss Addison before departing with Beck and Mills. "Come on, let's go to my room." She walks past me toward one of the doors at the far end of the hall.
Once there, without a word, she slides the key into the door and opens it, gesturing me inside.
‘This isn't necessary. I don't have anything that needs…"
"I'm aware. But Mouse, you've got to talk to someone."
I scrub my head with my hand and relent, stepping past her into the room. It's much bigger than ours. They usually get the bigger rooms anyway. Talon, at least, has always gotten the biggest rooms. Rooms that we used to party in, before this tour. To say that I'm a little jealous or maybe even a little hurt that things panned out the way they did is an understatement. I knew all along that eventually we'd all find our own person and the dynamic of the band would change, I just never expected it to be this soon. "How do you do it?" I say as we take a seat in the little sitting room off of the bedroom.
"Do what?" she asks innocently.
"Deal with both of them?"
She laughs, "Some days, I don't. Some days it's just easier to let them be them. Other days I feel like they can't get enough of me, no matter what I do." I watch as a warm smile spreads across her face as she talks about Talon and Kyle.
"How do they do it?"
She cocks her head at me. "You'll have to be more specific."
I let out a deep breath and start to fidget with my hands. "Is it the three of you, all the time, in bed?"
I can't look at her, my embarrassment at the question I've asked is enough for the both of us.
"No, it's not. Sometimes it's just me alone with Talon or Kyle, other times it's just the two of them though they won't admit that too much." I shiver thinking about Talon and Kyle together, my mind repels the idea.
"So," I swallow hard. "When the three of you are together, do they…" I let the question fall into silence and I see her move, getting comfortable, pulling her feet up under her as she leans into the arm of the chair she sat in.
Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) Page 4