A single tear falls down his cheek, my hand twitches with the need to wipe it away, but I stay put. The agony of loss creeps over my entire body and I just need him to leave. Without a word, I watch as he turns toward the door. When he reaches it, he stops with his hand on the knob. I watch as he rests his head against the door. "I would walk through heaven, hell, and the Sahara without shoes, food or water for you," he says so quietly that I can barely make it out. "When you realize that I am not someone you can push away with your demons, you know where to find me."
My knees buckle and his hand turns the knob as he pulls the door open before storming out and slamming it behind him. The moment the door closes, I jump and my entire world goes blank.
Sometime around three in the morning, I wake up on the floor of my living room drenched in sweat. It takes me a few minutes to realize where I am and why I'm there. Then like a flash flood, it all comes rushing back to me.
Dinner…
Eric…
Demons…
The hurt, the pain, the desire, the love…
I let the one thing I've ever loved walk right out my door. I threw away my one chance at redemption all because I'm too goddamn stubborn to let him help me, to let him redefine me.
I punch the floor, hard. My knuckles crack on impact, but they only sting slightly as I crawl my ass down the hallway and up into my bed where for the first time since I was seven, I cry myself back to sleep.
"Dude, it's three-thirty in the morning, what the hell?"
"I sneee ewe to commmme an get meee."
"Jesus Christ Eric, where are you?"
"Druunnk, in a bar,"
"Well, no shit Sherlock, where?"
"Dunno…"
"I'm tracking your phone, be there soon, don't fucking move."
I plop down on something, and wait…
“FUCK!” I squeeze my eyes shut and throw my arm over them to block out the light pouring into my bedroom.
Jesus, I haven't been this fucking hung-over in…thinking hurts and I squeeze my eyes shut.
You’re a damn idiot.
I grab a pillow and smother my face with it, growling.
I try like hell to roll over and go back to sleep, but it’s pointless. The minute consciousness returns, last night comes rushing back. “Fuck,” I growl as I throw my pillow across the room and open my eyes enough to see a glass of water on my table. “What the fuck?” Next to the water are a couple pills. “Who the…”
“That would be me.”
“Jesus,” I start and scramble, sitting up. “Fuck, what the hell are you doing here?”
“Hey fucker, you called me at three-thirty this morning.”
I scowl at him. “I did?”
I watch as Casey nods behind his coffee cup.
“Goddammit, I’m sorry.”
He shrugs. “You usually call before you go out.”
“I really needed to be alone.” I scrub at my face.
“Was it really that bad?” he asks before taking another sip from his coffee cup.
I groan, “Yes, but I’m not sure there is anything I can do about it. He said his piece then all but threw me out the door.”
“Since when are you the giving up type?” Casey inquires and my heart lurches in my chest.
“I’m not,” I tell him softly.
“Exactly, so what’s the problem?” he urges.
“I have a headache worthy of migraine medicine and I’m hungover like a motherfucker, that’s the problem.” I glare at him.
He scoffs, “Pfft, whatever.”
I shake my head. “Let me shower, then we can get some breakfast.” He raises an eyebrow at me. “What?” I scold him.
“It’s nearly two o’clock.”
“Shit.” I look over at the clock. “Fuuuccck!” I growl before crawling out of bed. My jeans are still on, but everything else is missing. I look over my shoulder at Casey. “Thanks.”
He smirks, shrugs and walks out of my bedroom. I stumble my half drunk, fully hungover ass to the shower.
Once inside the shower, with hot water running over my head and down my back, the last pieces from Calvin’s house slowly slide back into my mind. Calvin’s words rattle around like a bag of popping popcorn…
"Jesus, Eric, I'm not something that you can magically put back together. It won't work like that. But this is also my choice. My choice whether or not this goes any further. It is my choice to realize and understand that every time I see fear or worry or pity in your eyes that you don't have to be here. You don't have to watch me go through this, and for what? For you? God dammit, Eric, I would walk through hell barefoot for you, but I cannot and will not put you through this. All this pain I know I am going to cause you, is it worth it?"
Even with what I said before I walked out, I knew I needed to leave. I knew that I needed to give him a chance to breathe and to take in everything. But more than anything, I needed him to be comfortable knowing that he told me his deepest secrets. I shake my head and scrub away the memory of his tortured expression when he told me to leave. A look I will not soon forget. A look of pure pain, agony and yet a detachment from the entire situation that I didn’t expect. Seeing him in pain is what made me cry, knowing that he has to fight who he is every damn day breaks my heart.
“Goddammit!” I growl before punching the wall of the shower. “Fuck,” I curse as I shake out my hand, dispelling the pain I’ve inflicted on myself. “I knew this wouldn’t be easy, not with him. Nothing with Calvin is ever fucking easy but this…fuck!”
Calvin was right, is this worth it? Is it worth the pain? The heartache? The frustration I know I’m going to feel while going through this? Those are the questions I need answers to, but I can’t answer those questions without first knowing more about what he’s suffering from.
With newfound determination coursing through me I finish showering quickly. When I step out, I grab three ibuprofen and the Tylenol Casey left on my nightstand and I swallow the five pills before I dry off, pull my hair back and get dressed.
When I get to the living room, Casey is sitting on my cheap couch watching the flat screen, some news station is playing in the background. “World War three break out yet?” I chide.
“Nope, but Kim’s ass is everywhere again.” I roll my eyes.
“I need your help,” I tell him as I grab my wallet and keys off of the table.
“Beck and Troy brought your car back already.”
“Oh, nice. I’ll text ‘em later, thanks for that, but that wasn’t what I was referring to.”
Casey turns to look at me. “I ain't blowing you.”
I roll my eyes. “Shut the hell up, I’m actually serious.”
He gives me a quick half smile. “Tell me.”
“I need some information.”
He shrugs. “That’s Mills’ area, not mine. Though you might be able to get away with Beck.”
“No, neither, I need it from you and you alone. You, I can trust.”
“What do you need?” His casual tone makes me wonder if I could ask him to kill someone and he’d do it, but that’s not what I need either.
“I need to know where Dr. V’s office is.”
“Who’s Dr. V?” he asks and I realize that I should have asked Beck. Casey hasn’t been around long enough.
“Fuck,” I roll my eyes in frustration. “I probably should have asked Beck or Rusty, they’ve been around longer. Damn it.”
“I can ask for you,” he volunteers. “I might be able to get more information for you than…” His phone rings, he pulls it from his pocket and takes a look at it. “It’s Calvin.”
“Fuck,” I growl, “Don’t tell him you’re here.”
He gives me a sideways glance before pressing a button and bringing it to his ear. “Hey man, what’s up?”
I can’t hear the other side of the conversation. “Nah, I haven't talked to him.” That’s when Casey looks at me expectantly and I nod, telling him to stick with that lie. “I can try callin
g him if you want…” There’s a pause, “You sure?” And another pause, “Did you need him for something?” Casey shrugs in my direction and I almost want to take the phone from his hand and talk to Mouse myself, but I fight the urge. “Alright, if I hear from him, I’ll have him call you.”
After that, I’m apparently dropped from the conversation and Casey sits back, chatting with him about something and I wander off into the kitchen to pour my own cup of lukewarm coffee while he finishes his call with Calvin.
“He says he’s trying to call you.”
“My phone isn’t ringing,” I tell him without even having looked at my phone.
Casey turns, grabs it off of the table and hands it to me. I set it back down on the counter without looking at the display.
“For God’s sake, what the hell is wrong with you two today? When we got off that plane yesterday, you two were buddy-buddy now you’re fucking cold as ice.”
“None of your business, Casey, stay out of it.”
“Well, for the fucking record, he’s looking for you, so maybe you might want to check your fucking phone and stop being a dick. Whatever it is that happened between the two of you is hardly worth throwing away nearly a decade of friendship.” He huffs and turns back into the living room, plopping back on the couch. I roll my eyes and grab my phone. I push the home button but nothing happens.
Fuck, it’s dead. I try to power it on and the apple appears. Not dead. I scowl at it, I never turn off my phone. “Did you turn off my phone?” I ask Casey.
“Nah, man, I just pulled everything out of your pockets and threw it on the table.”
“Okay,” I say nonchalantly, not really paying much attention as I watch my phone load. Then it starts chiming with texts, voicemails and missed calls. Ironically, other than a few extra messages from Calvin, this is a normal thing for my phone, but I never turn it off, so this is odd to see it all compiled at once.
I scroll through the texts from Calvin:
Calvin to Eric: I’m sorry I threw you out. Can we talk today?
The message was sent at ten this morning.
Calvin to Eric: Hey, where are you? You’re not picking up.
The message was sent around eleven thirty this morning.
Calvin to Eric: Okay, I’m really worried now, please call me. I know you’re mad at me, but please, at least let me know you’re okay and home safe.
The message was sent at 1:35 p.m.
Right before I woke up.
Calvin to Eric: Okay, Casey hasn’t seen you either, I’m starting to freak out, I’m coming over.
The message was sent just a few minutes ago.
“You might want to take off,” I tell Casey.
“Why?”
“Mouse will be here any minute. You told him you hadn’t seen me.”
He shrugs and stands up. “I just got here. He called me looking for you. I was worried when you didn’t answer your phone so I came over.”
I raise my eyebrow at him. “You mean, he didn’t tell you he was coming by here?”
He snorts. “No, he didn’t. But I can’t say I’m surprised. But I’ll take off. I’ll see what I can find out about this Dr. V you asked me about.”
I sigh, “Don’t go overboard and please, for the love of fucking, do not let him find out I asked.”
He rolls his eyes at me in exasperation. “What’s the big deal?”
I lean on the counter, clasping my hands together. “Stays between us?”
“Always, man, you know that.”
“Dr. V is a therapist, that’s all I know.” I catch Casey’s movement of taking a step back. “So you weren’t told he was seeing one?” I raise an eyebrow at him.
“No, I guess it wasn’t pertinent information until now. Are you sure someone on the team knows about this Dr. V?”
I shake my head. “For as little as anyone seems to know about Mouse, I wouldn’t be surprised if no one knows. This is why I don’t want it to be a big deal, and in all honesty, just forget I asked. I will try and see if I can get the information from Mouse. I’d really rather not go behind his back because I don’t need him thinking he can’t trust me.”
“Why do you need the information anyway?”
I pin him with a ‘don’t go there’ look. “Now that would be telling.”
“Alright, but is it something we need to know about, the team I mean?”
It’s a very valid question he’s asking. “If the team doesn’t know by now, it’s obviously not that important or at least Mouse doesn’t see it that way and technically speaking, it hasn’t been an issue so far, so I don’t see why it would be now. It’s certainly nothing new. Now scram, please.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m out. Call me if you need me and damn it, call me before you go out again so I’m not thrown off at three a.m.”
“Yeah okay,” I tell him half-heartedly. I’d like to tell him that it won’t be that way again, but if Calvin is coming over here, I doubt that he’s gonna just check on me.
“Later,” Casey says as he reaches the door.
“Thanks, man, I appreciate it.”
He smiles. “Anytime.”
With that he leaves and I grab my phone, flipping through my messages. The only voicemails I have are from Calvin, and one from Jess. I play that one.
“Hey big guy, just wanted to check and see if you made it back to Cali okay. Haven’t talked to you in a few days, give me a call when you get a chance,” she sighs into the phone, “I hate to even ask, but any changes?” another pause like she’s expecting me to answer, “Anyway, call me back when you get this. Later.”
Instead of calling her, I text her.
Eric to Jess: home safe yesterday, long night last night, yes - everything has changed, but for the good or bad, I don’t know yet. Lunch tomorrow?
She replies back quickly.
Jess to Eric: don’t leave me hanging…? Glad you’re home safe, I have a meeting tomorrow over lunch, dinner? Drinks? Let me know.
Eric to Jess: have to, he’ll be here in a few minutes, I’ll call you later and we can hash out plans. Home til Tuesday then back on the road.
Jess to Eric: just make time for me before you leave. Good luck. **hugs**
I don’t reply to her. We learned early on that we both play a “who gets the last word” game and we’d end up bantering for ten messages before one of us would finally quit. I go digging for my charger and plug my phone in. No sooner does it chime with the charge tone when there is a knock on my door.
I walk over to it, realizing I’m still only in jeans, no shoes, socks or t-shirt, when I swing open the door to a very nervous, slightly strung out Calvin who is making no secret of his appraising of me.
“Thank God,” he says in a rush before stepping toward me. His hands are on my face and his lips are on mine before I can even wrap my head around what’s happening. Holy fuck, he’s kissing me, again.
MY heart starts pounding in my chest with a little bit of excitement and fear that he will come to realize that he's kissing me and pull back. But he doesn't, no, he deepens the kiss by pulling me into him. Dumbstruck, I don't know what to do with my hands. I want to touch him, but I'm afraid of pushing him too far. He pulls back and looks at me. "Touch me," he breathes and my hands move on their own accord; with shaky fingers, I cup his cheeks in my palms.
God, he's so soft and warm. I can feel the growth of his beard beneath my fingers and every nerve in my body ignites with desire. I take a step back, pulling him with me, followed by another step and I kick the door closed. Gently I push him back against me as he tugs my bottom lip between his teeth. "Ahh." I can't control the moan, the sensation is overwhelming me. Jesus, I have got to be dreaming, this can't be fucking happening. Can it?
He breaks our kiss. "Stop," he kisses me, "Thinking."
I push my forehead against his. "I can't help it." My voice is husky, full of all the pent up lust I feel for him, even I don't recognize it. "I'm scared I'm going to overstep…"
"Shhh…" He teasingly kisses me again. "I'm alright. More relieved that you're alright than anything."
My entire body goes slack with his concern. "I…I turned my phone off last night."
"You never turn that thing off."
I snort, pulling back to look into his eyes, releasing his cheeks in favor of his biceps. "No I don't, but I was pretty drunk last night."
"That's my fault. I shouldn't have kicked you out. I saw it, in your eyes."
I cock my head at him. "Saw what, Calvin?"
"Your decision."
I shake my head. "I hadn't decided anything last night."
His eyes leave mine, looking away from me. "I saw you warring with yourself."
"Aww, Cal, I wasn't warring with myself about you, I was scared. For you. Fuck, you looked so scared last night." I push back, putting some distance between us so that I can think better. His kiss has me shaky and confused. "I cried because I didn't know how to comfort you. I, jeez Cal, I don't know how to do this and I think last night we both needed some time to breathe." I come away from the door completely, giving both of us our own air to breathe. "I thought that if I left it would give you a chance to think, to clear your head and to come to terms with the fact that you'd told me so much stuff. And I," I pause, looking at him, "I needed to try and figure out how best I can help you." I meet his eyes. "The last thing I want to do is push you beyond what you can handle."
Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) Page 9