“So we’re clear, am I not allowed to…uh, are we just supposed to pretend we’re friends, like we’ve always been?”
“If you don’t mind.”
Yeah, I fucking mind, but suddenly something occurs to me. “Do you want us to be together? Or are you having second thoughts?”
His eyes dart to mine, real deep down fear reflects back at me, fear of us not being together or fear that I don’t want us to be together. “I want to be with you,” he breathes quickly.
“Then that’s all I need, Calvin,” I tell him. “We don’t have to tell anyone about what’s between us. Yet.” I tack that on because he needs to know that eventually it will come out and eventually they are going to notice, because no matter how hard either one of us tries, if this is truly what we want, then it is going to be made obvious, but I think that is what he wants, he wants it to be made obvious so that he doesn’t have to actually tell anyone. “Are you afraid that if we tell them we’re together that they’ll hate us or judge us?”
Calvin doesn’t answer that question, but he doesn’t have to, it’s spelled out all over his face and in the stiffness of his body when I bring it up.
“It would be awfully hypocritical of them to think that, don’t you think?” I raise an eyebrow.
He just nods, but we’re interrupted again by the waitress bringing us our breakfast. We drop the conversation there, for now. He seems a little upset and I don’t want to make him angry, let alone put him in a foul mood when we go to get on the plane, everyone will suspect something is wrong and start poking at the bear and that won’t be good for anyone.
BOARDING the plane was interesting. We got a few weird looks from the gang when we arrived together, but no one pressed. Dex and Raine were all over each other and Addison pretty much passed out the moment the wheels left the ground. Poor girl. Talon had told me that he and Kyle wanted to leave Addison at home so she could rest, but she of course, in true Addison style, wasn’t having that. When we landed in Denver, it was a flurry of activity to offload band gear and then personal gear. Casey and Troy took all of our stuff to the hotel and the rest of the gang took us to the arena. We need to run some sound checks before we can veg for a while. The bus and gear got here ahead of us on Monday, which was the plan all along. They drove up from Florida while we got to take a break.
Up on stage, I watch as Eric sets up and tunes into the amps and tests a few things. While I stand there watching I can’t help but think about what I told him this morning. My delayed response had nothing to do with him, in fact, it had everything to do with what I was fighting internally. There is a huge part of me that wants to shout from the rooftops that he and I are finally together, but then there is the institutionalized side of me that can’t even begin to comprehend how to do that. I fought with my internal demons before I could honestly answer him. I think I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that even if we choose to be quiet about what’s happening between us that the intuitive people we work with regularly will figure it out.
“Enjoying the view?” I hear Addison ask me and I turn toward her.
I shrug and she smiles at me. “Maybe a little.”
She smiles a little wider. “You guys showed up together this morning.”
“Doesn’t mean anything,” I tell her in a clipped tone that comes off a little more asshole than I’d planned.
“I know that, but I remember you wanting to talk to him, then the way you guys were at my house. I was just hoping that you’d had some time to talk over the break.” Her voice is soft, comforting and I am beginning to see the hold she has on Talon and Kyle.
“We talked,” I whisper softly. I feel my resolve dissipating into a sea of nothing as for the first time in my life I fight the urge to explain myself. To explain everything and I don’t understand why that would be.
“Good, you guys deserve a chance to work through things.” She places her hand on my shoulder. There is a comfort in her touch, but it’s a totally different comfort than Eric gives me.
“It’s complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” she tells me while she watches the stage with me. Talon’s joined Eric on stage and they’re talking.
“It does have to be,” I tell her cryptically.
“Regardless of your reasons, it truly doesn’t have to be.” I look at her, wanting to tell her that she’s wrong, that it is a thousand times worse than she could possibly imagine, but I’m pretty sure it would take much more than what I’m willing to give her right now. “If he’s who you want, you go for it, no matter the reasons.” She presses on my shoulder, urging me to turn toward her and I do. “Life is too short for what ifs. It’s way too short for never and it’s never going to be long enough for you to realize you’re ready. Regardless of what the past tells you, there is happiness in your future and he’s right on stage.” She winks at me, then leaves me standing there gaping at her.
“So… did you guys get to talk?” Talon starts with me the moment he steps on stage with me.
“Yeah, we talked.” And so much more, I add in my head.
“Well, then why are you two acting like you’re complete strangers?”
“Drop it, Talon, it’s not worth the fight you’re trying to put into this.”
“On the contrary, I think it is. You two are different. You seem different.” He snorts. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve put on glass shoes and you’re walking on a bed of nails.”
I scowl at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come on, Peacock, how long have I known you? I know you’re hot for him. You can’t tell me that one little talk has squashed all that.”
It was more than a little talk and for the record, jackass, there is so much more brewing here than you can even comprehend. I don’t tell him this out loud. I keep it simpler, and less dickish. “Look,” I stare him down as I speak, “At the end of the day, no matter how much you press on me, it doesn’t change the fact that the story behind all of this is not mine to tell. Yes, I know what I want, and no, I will not let anything stop me from getting it, but you’ve got to understand that it isn’t as simple as wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am.” I leave it there when Addison walks on stage.
I catch Calvin out of the corner of my eye and something is off. “Excuse me,” I say to Talon as I walk past Addison straight to Calvin.
“What’s wrong?”
“Did you tell her?”
“Oh my god, no, what makes you think that?”
“Something she said. It threw me off guard. Almost like she knows. But I know she doesn’t. We have to tell them.”
“Wait, what?” I don’t know what caused me to say that exactly. “Come here,” I tell him, ushering him toward one of the empty rooms off of the main hallway. I open the door and he steps inside ahead of me.
“I’ve got to tell them, I’ve got to explain it to them.”
“Whoa, Cal, slow down. Just because you think Addison knows more than she really does isn’t a reason to go getting all freaked out about it. Listen to me.” I grab his shoulders, capturing his eyes with mine. “You’re not ready to tell them, do not rush into this before you’ve had a chance to really think about this. I understand why you’d think they know more than they do, but the truth is, they don’t. The bottom line in this is that you need to decide what to tell them and what to leave out. There are certain parts of your story that no one needs to know. You simply need to just let it ride its course.” I take a deep breath and release his shoulders. “If we give this time, eventually you’ll be more comfortable about them knowing about us, about them knowing that we’re working on something. Let them learn about it then.” A light bulb goes off. “Just because it was practically instant with Addison, and even with Raine, doesn’t mean that it has to be that way with us. We can take our time, let them wonder, let them speculate and then, when we’re both ready, we can tell them, but not a minute before. Okay?”
“You’re not ready to tell
them?”
Of all the things in my speech just now, he picks up on that. “I won’t be ready until you are. The bottom line is I know where I stand with you. I know what it means for us to be together, I don’t need the world to know. But you also need to see that your fears of rejection are unfounded when it comes to these guys. They will be on our side one thousand percent. So please, remember that.”
“I know, I…alright, you’re right.”
I smirk. “I like the sound of that.”
“Oh shut it.” He teases me and can’t help but laugh.
“Look, we’ve got a long path ahead of us. Let’s not jump the gun with telling everyone. Because if we tell them now, it will raise more questions than answers. Think about it, you may feel like you’re ready to tell them, but are you honestly ready to kiss me in front of them?”
I watch as a wild range of emotions crosses over his features. He swallows hard before answering, “No, I don’t know that I’m ready for that.”
I give him a small smile. “Then that is your answer. Better to let them speculate without confirmation. Once it’s confirmed, then you need to know that they will expect certain things of us and when we don’t do those things, they will be more likely to question us. I’d rather deal with speculation than anything else.”
“Alright, I can live with that,” He tells me before leaning up and planting a soft, chaste kiss against my lips.
I smile, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and turn our kiss deeper, more passionate. He shudders too, as if he’s thinking the same thing as I am. “Let’s get out of here before…well, come on,” I say without finishing my thought. It went two directions, before it turns into something more and before they come looking for us. That is something I’m not ready to have them do, walk in on us.
BEING back on stage has righted all the crazy turmoil inside of me these past few days. You’d think that being on stage, in front of thousands of people would make someone crazier, but for me, it’s calming. It’s freeing. Denver show one is in the books and we’re in the bar. Who knows, maybe the bar is what I missed? Regardless, for the first time in a couple weeks, I feel grounded again. Not that everything in the last two weeks hasn’t happened, because it most certainly has, but it’s like it’s all better again.
Toward the end of the first part of the tour, mostly in Florida, I found myself dwelling so much on what I was so certain I couldn’t have that I lost touch with me.
The ship is right back where it needs to be.
The girls are flowing in and out of our little circle in the bar, though I find irony in the fact that no one is interested in any of them. Eric keeps watching me out of the corner of his eyes and each time I catch him looking at me, I nearly blush. It seems a bit uncharacteristic of me, but I think I’m really beginning to see what Eric means to me, or at the very least, what he’s meant to me all along.
Dex and Raine are all over each other, no surprise there, but something has definitely shifted between the two of them. There’s a distinct difference in certain things and certain ways she moves around him. It seems like I’ve seen it before, but I can’t place it exactly. Talon, Kyle and Addison are huddled in their own little world. It’s quite refreshing and maybe even a little freeing to watch Talon and Kyle being so much closer to each other than they were even two weeks ago when we left Florida, but I also notice that Addison seems a little different too. Maybe she’s finally feeling better.
I am momentarily distracted when a tall, leggy blonde enters the circle. In fact, she manages to capture everyone’s attention, including Eric’s. But she doesn’t go to Eric, or Dex, or Talon and Kyle for that matter, no, she walks right up to me. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
“You’re Mouse, right?”
I manage to place a smile on my face and look up at her. “I am, and you are?”
“My name is Jenny.” She smiles overly sweet in an attempt at flirting with me and I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I don’t know how to reject a woman, and I certainly don’t know how I am going to do just that with all eyes on this blonde standing before me. If I reject her, they’ll know something is up.
“Nice to meet you, Jenny,” I tell her and I stand up. “Can I buy you a drink?” I ask, offering her my elbow. She giggles in that way giddy school girls do and I cringe when she takes my elbow. Jesus, here I thought that being around Eric publicly would give me the creeps, but this… this is just plain wrong. Eric makes no secret that what I am doing is completely wrong by the look in his eyes, that disapproving look I’ve seen so many times from him. I’m just putting on a show, really, that’s all… Fuck me!
That bastard, dispshitidiot, motherfucker…
Rage burns through my veins like acid. Why in the fuck would he do something like that? Why…I shake my head, fine, he wants to play that way. I stand up with gusto, prepared to go track down someone, anyone I can use to make him jealous, but as soon as I do and I see our friends’ eyes on me, I lose steam and head for the door. Troy is hot on my heels. “Take me back,” I growl at him and he goes darting toward one of the cars we’d brought over here and he climbs in, stopping to pick me up about halfway between the door and the car. I climb in. “Step on it.”
I crash through the door, just in time to see Eric climb in the car with Troy and take off. “Fuck.” I turn on my heel and slam square into Dex as I get back inside. “Fucker.”
“What’s up, brother?”
“Nothing, forget it,” I grumble and try to sidestep him but he won’t let me pass. He grabs me by the shoulder and spins me around toward the door, and he pushes me through it. We’re outside now.
“Forget nothing, why you so pissed off?”
“Fuck off, Dex, I need to find Casey. I need him to take me back to the hotel.”
“You want to sit here and play coy, act like there ain’t shit going on between you and Peacock, fine, but you’re fooling no one here, Mouse. You two sit there and stare out the sides of your heads at each other, then, when some blonde floozy walks up to you, you go running off with her and Peacock takes off. Seriously? Stand here and tell me there ain’t nothing happening between you and him.”
“There ain’t,” I lie.
He snorts his disbelief at me. “What-the-fuck-ever, Mouse.”
“Shut the fuck up, you have no right to stand here and tell me off like this. Fuck Dex, you hook up with Raine and now you’re some fucking magical matchmaker who knows everything? Nice fucking try, you have no fucking clue.”
“Oh I have a fucking clue, believe me. I’ve known you for how fucking long? Seriously Mouse, you can’t hide this shit anymore, just fucking deal with it, get it over with. We all know and not a fucking one of us gives a shit. But what we do care about is watching someone get deliberately hurt by someone else. You all saw fit to put me in my place with Raine when I was doing the exact same shit to her that you’re doing to Peacock. Don’t fucking tell me you’re not, because you are. Whatever has you so hung up on facing reality, get the fuck over it,” he growls angrily in my face before turning on his heel and walking right back into the bar.
“Can we get another room?” I ask Troy as we pull up to the hotel.
“Why?” he asks, like he has no clue why I walked out of the bar in the first place.
“I don’t want to be around Mouse right now,” I tell him in a huff and climb out of the car. Troy follows and tells the valet something. Casey drew the short end of the stick tonight and he has floor duty, so I know Troy will go back to the bar with the rest of the guys.
“Yeah, we’ll get it taken care of.”
“Who’s staying with Casey?” I ask him, curious.
“I am.”
“Wanna swap?”
He sighs, “Yeah, I guess. You good to get upstairs on your own?”
“Yeah, thanks Troy.”
“No problem.” He climbs back in the car and drives off as I clear the glass doors and walk into the lobby, straight towa
rd the elevator that will take me up to the fifth floor and our rooms.
Once inside the elevator, I punch the wall, not hard enough to do any damage, but certainly enough to cause it to rattle as the doors close.
The ride up is mercifully short and Casey is standing by when the doors open.
“Whoa, what’s wrong with you?” he asks before I even step off the elevator.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Troy and I are switching places tonight. Let me grab some shit and then you can let me in your room, if you don’t mind.”
“Not until you give me an explanation.”
I throw my head back in frustration. I want to scream. “I can’t. That’s half the fucking problem, I can’t fucking explain it because I’ll be damned if I have any fucking clue what the real problem is. Not only that, but I can’t explain it to you without divulging shit I promised I wouldn’t tell. So can we just fucking drop it?”
“No,” his voice is a half laugh, half stern order.
I turn on him. Casey and I are about the same height, but I have some width on him. “Look, it’s impossible to explain without outing someone and he’s certainly not ready for that.” Shit.
“Mouse?”
“Drop it Casey, please.”
“No, he’s on his way up. Leroy brought him back.”
“Fuck, that was fast.” Too fast, shit. “Stall him.” I open the door to our suite and make a bad attempt at slamming the door, fucking hotel room doors. I should have just made Casey put me in his room. I can’t get what I need and be back out before Cal gets up here. Fuck, he came back quick…shit, that means he knew I left. Fuck, that means… goddammit, I’m a fucking idiot.
Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) Page 20