Lost inside
Brought to the light
Engulfed in hope, I feel the life
Turning inside out, righting the wrong
Extinguishing the bad
My guiding light
My Salvation
“Fuck me,” I murmur. “Do it again,” I tell both of them. It’s rare that I sing more than back-up for Talon, but this time I can’t let it slide past.
Dex rejoins us, sticks in hand.
This is it. This is what makes 69 Bottles the unique machine that it is. Our ability to come together as a band and let it all go, to soar on the music. Music brought us together because it is something that has always brought us back to reality. It’s brought us back to who we are and who we’re meant to be.
Dex playing while living on the streets.
Talon seeking salvation from a mother who wanted nothing to do with him.
Me searching for something to get lost in, rather than dealing with the pain of being trapped where I was.
Eric…I cock my head at him. He probably has the most normal story of us all and yet I don’t know what that story really is. Vowing to ask him about it tonight, when we’re alone, I sing along with my lyrics, though making mental notes to change things on a rewrite, I get nods of approval from everyone. Thank god, Raine started writing down the lyrics.
My singing, Dex’s tapping and Eric and Talon’s louder playing draws the attention of Kyle and Addison from the back room. Both of which stare dumbstruck at the four of us, but more so, at me.
When we finish, Addison, Kyle and Raine all start clapping and Eric and I are lost in each other momentarily. The song is far too perfect and I give him a quick smile of appreciation.
“Oh for the love of… you two do realize that we’re not completely stupid, right?” Dex says pointing between Eric and me with his sticks.
I shrug it off and raise an eyebrow at Eric with half a smirk.
“Oh come the fuck on.” Dex pokes at us.
“Dex, don’t,” Raine interjects.
“What? They try and act all coy, and we’re supposed to just ignore it?”
“Yes,” Raine and Addison say in unison.
“Oh for,” Dex deflates, “Fine, be that way.” He stands up in an attempt at bravado. “But we’re not stupid, whatever is going on between the two of you no longer stands between the two of you. For whatever reason you don’t want to admit it to us, fine, be that way, but… ahh fuck it.”
“Dex?” I ask.
“What?” he snaps. He’s agitated and it’s quite comical.
“We’ve got a lot of things to work out, so yes, when we’re ready, we will come out.”
Dex gives me his infamous, ‘got you’ smirk. “Yeah, alright, whatever, but I’ll be dammed if I give a shit. You two are too fucking perfect for each other and damn it, you both fucking deserve to be happy.” He wraps his arm around Raine and pulls her into his side; she looks up at him like he hung the moon. “God knows if I can find happiness with one woman, you two can certainly find it with each other.” He kisses Raine in a way that tells me we’ll all have headphones on in a matter of minutes.
“Get a room,” Talon chides them and Dex laughs, breaking their kiss.
“Don’t mind if I do.” He scoops Raine up and carries her past Kyle and Addison into their little alcove in the back.
“Do they never stop?” Talon jokes.
I burst out laughing. “You’ve got less than a shoebox worth of room to talk, my friend. Who was it that started the orgasm war last night?” I rib the three of them and only Addison blushes. “Uh huh, that’s what I thought.”
Talon looks at me, straight faced. “So, for real?” he asks and he doesn’t need to go any further. My eyes slide over to Eric who nods at me in encouragement.
I look back to Talon and respond, “For real.” I smile wide.
“Fuck yeah!” he says with a huge ass smile on his face.
“But, settle down, it’s complicated, alright. We have a lot of shit to work through.”
“Who doesn’t?” Kyle chimes in.
“It’s not that simple.” I sigh, fighting the urge to tell them. How do I tell them? “I wasn’t raised in a family where being gay was an acceptable practice.”
They all kind of perk up a little bit, which I expected.
“What Cal is trying to tell you guys is that he has a long history of abuse, among other things, for liking guys. It’s not an easy thing for him to admit to, but it is something he’s working on. So while we may be together, it’s not as easy as it is with the three of you, or with Dex and Raine for that matter.” Eric helps me explain and he does it so eloquently and without revealing too many details.
“I get that,” Kyle says, sitting down between Eric and Talon. “It’s probably not the same, but I understand how that could impact you and your ability to be with Eric or anyone else of the same sex. But you have to realize that if it is what you want, then you have to go for it, balls to the wall, no holds barred.” Kyle smiles sweetly at me before taking Talon’s hand in his. Talon looks at their connection, then at Kyle and I can truly see the love they have for each other. They both look at Addison and the same emotion is portrayed to her and from her.
“I’m doing my best. It’s just a little harder and quite a bit more complicated than that. But I am working on it,” I tell the three of them while looking at Eric, conveying why it is that I’m saying this. “I’ve found what I want and what I want is him and I don’t think there is anything that will stop me from getting it.”
The words spill from my mouth like something I never expected to hear. I never imagined admitting to myself, let alone anyone else, that Eric is who and what I want in life and knowing that he is what I want sends a new wave of excitement through me.
We still have a long way to go. A road that will be bumpy and full of disasters and potholes, but we will get there, one way or another.
He’s claimed me.
He craves me.
He is redeeming me, taming me, and devouring me.
He’s redefined me.
Now it’s time to love him the way he deserves to be loved. Wholly and unconditionally.
SOMETHING came over Calvin while we were all sitting there playing on the bus. Something that was compelling enough to bring him to the point of telling Talon, Addison and Kyle a deep part of who he is. But it wasn’t just that, it was the way he looked. There was a look of resolve that came over him. He’s made a decision about something, and the look he is giving me now tells me that this may be the revelation that I have been hoping he’d have.
In talking with Doctor V, I learned something about what happens when Calvin freaks out. It’s a matter of his conditioning. Sometimes it is how he may feel, but other times it may actually be the darkness that overruns him and he can’t control himself. Assuming it’s the latter of the two, Dr. V told me that it becomes mind over matter. Calvin truly needed to decide whether or not he wanted to be with me and from there he needed to decide whether or not he was going to whole-heartedly commit to that endeavor. If he committed to being with me, that it was truly what he wanted to do, then his darkness would no longer haunt him. He would be able to overcome what he was trained to feel.
When Doctor V had told me that bit of information, I realized then that a lot of what Calvin thinks he feels is because he knows nothing else. Which is why I vowed to stick with him, vowed to keep at it, no matter what, and it was then that I realized he may have overcome this a long time ago, like he had with women, if he’d had someone around long enough, willing to work with him and not against him. Then like he’d said, he realized that I was that person and that was what was pushing him to keep going with me, to fight his inner darkness to overcome and conquer it.
The look in his eyes right now tells me that he’s finally finding that resolve. Telling Talon, Kyle and Addison has put him in a different mindset.
I can completely see and understand why he would feel this is
harder than it really is, he knows nothing else. What Addison told him in Denver, without knowing his past, speaks volumes about what it is he needed to hear, and in reality, the darkness he feels can be overcome that easily. When you put your mind to it, you can do anything.
I smile at him, letting him know that I am with him one hundred percent. He smiles back. The smile is bright, brilliant and every bit the confirmation that I need to know he’s made his decision and for the first time, he wants to run toward it, not away from it.
Fuck, how much longer until we’re in Seattle? This no privacy bullshit is for the birds.
“We’re an hour out,” the driver calls back to us.
“Thank god,” I grumble and everyone laughs.
“Eager much?” Calvin smirks at me.
I smirk back. “Yeah, maybe a little.”
On that note, Talon, Kyle and Addison head back to their room to pack up their stuff. We’re hanging out in Seattle for a few days, so we’re taking everything and everyone off the bus with us. I look at my watch. It’s nearly seven, right on time.
There is an open invitation for everyone to go out for dinner, but if what I am hoping is about to happen happens, we won’t make it. When the three of them are gone, Calvin and I are left alone, sort of. The driver is still in the same vicinity with us. Thank god for non-disclosure agreements. “Come here,” I tell Calvin and he smiles, sliding along the bench seat to sit next to me.
“I really like that song.”
I smile. “I’m happy you caught on so quickly. Though I didn’t have lyrics for it, I knew you’d hear it.” He settles in next to me and I wrap my arm around him and gently kiss the top of his head.
“Yeah, it took a couple times, but I caught it.” He rests his head on my shoulder.
“So, tell me something,”
“Anything,” he says back quickly.
“Did I see what I think I saw a little while ago?” I ask him and he lifts his head to look at me.
“What do you mean?”
I smile. “After you told Talon about us, more or less. Then Kyle said what he said about going after what you want. Something changed in you. I kind of like it, but I’d much rather hear it from you.”
He smiles and then settles back in his spot in the crook of my arm, pressed against me. He plays with my shirt. “I’d rather show you.”
I smile wider and kiss the top of his head. “So in other words, we’re declining dinner?” I tease him and he laughs.
“Yeah, we are.”
I squeeze him close to me. “Kiss me, please?”
I feel his cheeks harden with a smile against my chest and he lifts up. I was right, there is a wide, truly happy smile on his face before he leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. The kiss quickly turns my blood to a boil and I’m primed up pretty fast. Sensing my change in demeanor, he licks at my bottom lip and I open for him. Our tongues meet in the middle and he continues kissing me softly. Love and devotion pouring into me unlike anything I’ve felt from him before, telling me everything I need to know about his decision.
He pulls back, both our breathing is jagged and I can see his lips are red, swollen slightly and the sight is something to behold. I shiver with excitement.
“It was Raine, by the way.”
He cocks his head at me in confusion. “For what?”
“Who knew we were in the bathroom together last night.”
“How?” he breathes and I smile.
“She came around the corner, just as you went inside. She put two and two together that it was me in the shower.”
“She didn’t tell-” I shake my head before he can finish his question. “Thank god.”
“Why does Dex knowing bother you so much?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know, because he’s Dex and probably the last straight one among us. His ribbing gets annoying and I’m afraid of what it will become if he knows.”
“How about you flip that around and think about how it will be the longer we keep it from him? He’s already figured it out.”
“So let him keep guessing for a little while longer.” He snorts. “In a way, it’s payback.”
I laugh too and concede, “Good point.”
After our talk, we proceed to pack up our stuff and we pull up to the hotel about the time we finish up. Excitement and nerves run rampant through me as we draw ever closer to getting our room keys. It’s like going on a first date, almost, or at least the date you just know something is going to happen for the first time. Anticipation is now killing me. “Hurry up, Mills,” I grumble.
“What’s the rush?” Dex says behind me with Raine in tow and bags slung over their shoulders.
“Just tired of being pent up,” I say.
He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, but decides to leave it alone, wise move. Raine just smiles at me as she passes. I smile back, letting her know that all is good.
Finally Mills hits the steps, Rusty in tow. “Here you go, guys. We’re up on the twelfth. We have the entire floor and it is key card access only.”
“Nice,” Dex says and I have to agree.
Mills hands him and Raine their keys then turns to me and hands me our keys. I am way too eager to get off of the bus and I hear Calvin laugh behind me. I don’t care. I never thought I would hate being cooped up on that thing, but today, I definitely do.
Climbing off, Beck and Casey are pulling suitcases from underneath. “You guys going out later?” Casey asks just as Calvin comes off of the bus.
“I doubt it,” Calvin says. “I didn’t sleep well on the bus. Take a load off, Casey.”
“Yeah?” There is some excitement in Casey’s voice.
“Yeah, we’re good.”
“Sweet, thanks.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Hot date tonight?” I ask, totally teasing and he blushes a little bit. “Whoa, Casey’s got a girl in Seattle?” I ask.
He blushes, but never confirms directly, and I grab my other bass and add it to my back with the other one, then grab both my suitcases. I turn to see Calvin doing the same. Fuck me, he is so sexy like that. I shiver, excitement running wild once again as he picks up his suitcases.
Casey and Beck start bickering about something but nothing else matters, or exists, anymore. All I see is Calvin and all I want to do is get in that fucking elevator and into our room.
“Ready?” He looks up at me and suddenly I’m back to being nervous.
I nod. He takes the lead into the hotel, toward the elevators that will take us up to our room. Each step that draws me in closer to the elevator and to privacy feels like I’m walking on hotter coals, each step burning just a little more the closer I get.
Dex and Raine snag an elevator as soon as they hit the button. I notice Calvin’s pace slows down ahead of me, and I wonder if it’s his own nerves getting the better of him, until Dex and Raine’s elevator doors close and he picks his pace back up.
Oh, I see how this is going to go. Alone in an elevator…
CALVIN hits the up button just as I enter the elevator bay. He has his keycard in hand, ready when one shows up. His eagerness seems to match mine. This is almost better than foreplay. No, this is foreplay. It’s that race to be alone, no matter who gets in our way, or how many people step onto the elevator with us. I can already feel the tension and excitement mounting between us.
He gives me a sideways look, one that says I’m looking at you, but I’m trying really hard not to and I smile. He blushes.
The ping makes us jump. I turn around and see that we’re the only ones here waiting and there are a couple of people that step off, talking about something as I usher Calvin in. He smirks at me and steps inside, turning to put his keycard in the slot and pressing twelve followed by ‘door close’.
I’m blocking his escape, standing just inside the door as the doors draw closed. The clash and click is my key to move. I push in on Calvin and his eyes meet mine. There’s no fear, no hesitation, nothing. I drop my bags in favor of his head, cra
dling it in my palms as if it is the most precious glass imaginable. “Kiss me, you idiot,” he breathes and that’s the only invitation I need and I slant my lips over his.
My heart starts to pound, sending blood rushing through my ears. I lick at his lip, this time it’s my turn to coax him open and he does in a rush of air as he catches his breath. I slide my tongue in along his as the elevator beeps for the fifth time, the sixth. Fuck it, I don’t care. I press into him, holding him against the wall, not pressing too hard because he’s strapped with gear, but enough to remind him that I’m here.
My breathing goes ragged, fighting for air, but I don’t care. Beep number ten, but he’s not pulling back, I do. “I’ve waited a long time for this,” I whisper and kiss him one more time as the elevator slows. Straightening, I lean down and grab my bags. Glancing at Calvin, his lips are pink, his cheeks flush and a very satisfied smile plays on his lips in a way that makes me want to kiss him again.
The doors open and Tori is standing just outside the elevator as we step out. She smiles and I suddenly feel like the kid who’s just been busted in the candy jar. I blush without preamble and quickly move toward our room. Finding it about halfway down, I set my bags down and pull the keycard from my pocket and unlock it. Everything now seems in slow motion. Everything seems like it is all about to come to a head. Everything that I have hoped for over the last decade is about to come to fruition and my hands are shaking.
It takes me three times with the keycard before I finally get it to open. I push it open and hold it for Calvin to pull his gear inside. Once he’s in, I grab mine and follow him in. It’s a suite. We’ve entered a little living area with a couch and all that good stuff. I finally catch a glimpse of Cal who is staring through a set of French doors with his jaw hanging open.
Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) Page 23