I look at him, trying to assess him from more than just a lover perspective and it’s hard. He looks all right, but I’m hesitant. “Are you sure?” I ask.
“Yes Eric, I’m alright, I promise.” he stands up and kisses me softly. “I knew it was coming, I guess I just hoped that I wouldn’t hear about it.”
“Well, I’m not entirely convinced that this Mary-Beth knows much about your history with your father. I think she thinks she means well.”
“She does, she means well. You asked her about arrangements?”
“I did, I guess I needed to know if there was a reason you had to go.”
“Oh.” He’s still a little dazed. “I can’t go, Eric. I won’t.”
“I think you need to reconsider that idea,” I tell him.
“Eric, I love you more than life itself, but please, don’t push me on this. I finally feel like everything in my life is going right, I, fuck,” I watch as he runs his hand over his head, “I can’t go back there and relive all that history. I don’t know what it will do to me.”
I smile at him. “I think it will give you the chance to have the closure you need, to finally seal off all those loose ends. Please, promise me you’ll think about it?”
He sighs heavily and hangs his head. “Alright, I will think about it, but not tonight. Tonight is about us and our friends. Just give me a few minutes to compose myself and I will be better.” The plea in his voice is matched by the plea in his eyes. He kisses me chastely once more before heading upstairs to our bedroom.
I can’t help but watch after him and I wonder if he’s just numb or if the reality hasn’t set in. Either way, I will stand by my decision that he needs to go, but I also know that I need to respect his decision to stay here too. It might have been wrong of me to suggest cancelling tonight, but in doing so, I woke him up from his daze and maybe having friends here will be enough to bring him around.
I go into the kitchen, pulling the marinating steaks from the fridge and add some of the extra sauce before taking them out to the grill.
As soon as I set the plate down, the doorbell rings. I smile when I hear Calvin coming down the stairs, and when I look up, my Calvin is back, the numb daze is gone and I smile. “Good?” I ask.
He smiles wide. “Good.”
We both walk to the door, opening it to find Dex and Raine on the other side.
“Hey,” Raine says cheerfully, looking around as she and Dex come in.
“Hey, nice digs,” he says as he hands me a bag, obviously put together by Raine. “Wow, you guys, this is really nice.”
“The one next door is available, you know, if you two are in the market,” Calvin teases and he gets the glare of death from Dex. “Oh come on, you’re married now, you can’t stay in that small as fuck studio apartment forever.”
“Yeah, true, we can’t, but well, I hadn’t thought about it, I guess.”
“Don’t let him lie to you. He’s been shopping houses since before we got off tour,” Raine says from the dining room.
We all laugh and I close the door.
It isn’t long before our doorbell is ringing again, this time with Cami, Tristan and their son Jaden, followed by Addison – who’s showing off an ever expanding baby belly, Talon, Kyle, Mills, Beck, Casey, Tori and Rusty and before long the alcohol is flowing, the steaks are cooking and the food is being eaten up. Calvin really is a good cook and Talon makes no qualms about ribbing him for not cooking while on tour. Calvin is equally as playful. You’d never know that just a couple of hours ago he got a phone call telling him his father passed away.
We eat outside, on the patio, overlooking the water with tiki torches lighting up the space and surrounded by great friends, good laughs and good eats. This is truly what life is all about.
It’s nice to see everyone be themselves. Tonight we’re not 69 Bottles, tonight we are friends and we are family. Tonight we are everything that should be special about the bonds we’ve formed.
As the night winds down, Cami, Tristan and Jaden are the first to leave. It’s getting late and despite our offer to let Jaden sleep in our room, they wanted to take him home. As our friends file out, I notice Calvin getting a little more distant. The facade of playing host is wearing off and reality is washing over him slowly.
Dex, Beck, Raine, Rusty, Tori, and Mills are the next to leave followed by the trio of Addison, Talon and Kyle. Leaving us with just Casey.
“I’m really happy for you guys,” Casey says to me as we’re standing on the patio. “It’s a great place. Perfect for the two of you.” He smiles wide.
Calvin joins us on the patio then, but I can tell that the numbness is winning. “You okay?” I ask him.
He shakes his head.
“What’s going on?” Casey asks.
Calvin nods at me, giving me quiet permission to tell Casey what happened. “You remember that number?”
“Yeah?” Casey says curiously.
“That number was from Calvin’s father’s house back in Iowa. It called again tonight and Cal answered it without looking.”
“Oh? And? Who was it?” Casey asks, looking between Calvin and me.
“It was a friend of Calvin’s father. He passed away tonight.”
Shock crosses Casey’s face. “Why didn’t you cancel?”
“Because, that’s not how I’m wired,” Calvin chimes in. “It was a great escape, but with everyone leaving, it’s wearing off.” Calvin’s voice is sad.
“Well, I’ll get out of here. You guys need to get your plans together and,” he turns to me, “Take care of him.”
“Casey?” Calvin asks.
“Yeah?” he turns toward him.
“Would you mind staying here, until we get back?” Calvin asks. My heart flutters. He’s completely shattered but the pain he is feeling is bringing him around, forcing him to focus on what he knows he needs to do. Seeing him react like this, as twisted as it may sound, warms my heart. I was so concerned that he’d just let this roll off his back, let it go and move on, only to regret it down the road.
“Of course. When do you need me here?”
“I don’t know. We haven’t even started looking into tickets or anything,” I tell Casey.
“Let me call Mills, see if he can help.”
“No, don’t. This is my business, we can handle it.” Calvin doesn’t hesitate.
“Why don’t you just be here tomorrow around noon, unless we call you sooner?” I tell Casey.
“Absolutely.” He nods. “I’m really sorry, Mouse.”
“Thanks.” His voice is barely audible and Casey gives me a concerned look. I nod, letting him know that I got this, we’ll be good and he lets himself out.
I go over and sit next to Calvin. He’s falling apart right next to me. “Come here,” I tell him and he snuggles into me. I wrap my arms around him and he falls to pieces.
It takes about twenty minutes for him to settle himself back down and all I’ve done is hold him. I don’t really know what to say to him and sometimes the quiet comfort is all one person needs. He sits up and whispers, “I’m sorry.”
I brush the hair off of his forehead. “Nothing to apologize for, Cal.” I kiss the forehead I just cleared. “Why don’t you go upstairs, let me finish up out here and I’ll get the house locked up and be up.”
He nods numbly and stands up, disappearing into the house. I take a deep breath to find my center before I finish cleaning up the last of the glasses from the tables and then lock up the patio. I put everything into the sink and lock the front door, turn off lights and I head upstairs.
When I walk into our bedroom, Cal is curled up in a ball on top of the bed. He’s changed into his flannel pants and my heart just breaks seeing him so shattered like this. I know, deep down, the anger will come. It’s just a matter of when, but I know he needs to deal with this in his own way. Whether it’s by talking or by quietly managing his emotions.
“Come on, let’s climb under the covers.”
“I’m
not tired.”
“I know, but it’s warmer under there.” I tell him. I try and smile, showing him that it’s all okay, but he doesn’t notice, he just stands up and pulls the covers back and crawls back into bed. I go into the closet and pull on my flannel pants, and turn off the lights. I crawl in bed with him, and he immediately snuggles up to me, whether out of habit or comfort, I can’t be sure but we just lay there for hours in silence until eventually he falls asleep and I do too, long after the moon has started to set and I can see the slight glow of dawn in the distance.
I didn’t sleep very long. Knowing that we need to get moving on our plans to head out of town, I get out of bed, leaving Calvin to sleep. I head downstairs and make myself a pot of coffee. I don’t usually drink the stuff, but I am too tired to really think about it. Calvin drinks it more than I do.
No sooner do I sit down at the table with my coffee and laptop is there a knock on the door. I raise an eyebrow and look at the clock. It’s not even eight. I go to the door and look through it. “Cami?” I say as I open the door. “Everything all right?”
“Yeah, it’s perfectly fine, I’m glad I caught you.”
“Caught me?”
She shrugs and I open the door for her to come in. “Yeah, I, where’s Mouse?”
“Still sleeping,” I tell her, completely perplexed.
“Listen, I tried to pull Casey for another assignment for the next couple of weeks and he was pretty adamant about not doing it. I couldn’t understand why and then he finally said that he needed to be here.” She points to the floor. “Is something going on that I should know about?” She says in her authoritative tone.
“Want some coffee? It’s fresh?” I ask her and she nods, reluctantly.
I usher her into the kitchen and pour her a cup, offering her some creamer and she takes it. “Let’s go outside, shall we?” I ask her. “I don’t want to wake him.”
She nods her agreement and follows me onto the patio where we’d just hosted a fabulous party last night. “Last night was a lot of fun. Thank you again for having us.”
I smile. “You’re most welcome. We look forward to doing it again soon.”
“Good,” she smiles and takes a sip of her coffee.
“Right before you guys showed up last night, Calvin got a phone call from his father’s house, though it wasn’t his father but, I’m guessing it’s his wife. Cal’s father passed away last night.”
Her hand comes to her mouth. “Oh god Eric, I am so sorry, why didn’t you call us, cancel?”
“I didn’t want that.” I turn around to find a disheveled Calvin standing in the doorway. “Besides, you guys were practically pulling in the driveway when I got the news and I really needed the distraction.”
I walk over to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
He smiles slightly. “You didn’t, the coffee did.” I hand him my cup and he takes it.
“We asked Casey to watch the house. I know he lives with a crappy roommate and I figured he could use the break. That’s probably why he told you no.”
“I’d really rather he go with you guys,” Cami says, her voice firm.
“Trust me, where we’re going, we don’t need him. No one back home has even the slightest clue who I am or what I’ve been up to. My father and I have been estranged for more than ten years. I don’t even want to go back, but I know if I don’t, I will regret it, eventually,” Calvin says with a sad smile. Good, my message was received.
“Well, where are you going?” she asks him.
“Maynard, Iowa. It’s a little eye blink, podunk town northeast of Waterloo. It’s a farm town where the news doesn’t reach and the residents don’t care when it does,” Calvin says and that is the most I’ve ever heard him say about where he’s from. It’s not a happy subject to discuss for him, but I think he’s made a point to focus on him and what it is that he needs to do right now.
“When are you leaving?” Cami asks.
“As soon as we figure out flights, which was what I was about to do when you came by,” I tell her.
“Don’t worry about that. I put my plane on standby at Burbank. They can take you.”
“That’s not necessary,” Calvin cuts in.
“No, it’s not, but I am going to do it anyway. Do you know what airport you’ll want to fly into?” she asks Calvin who looks defeated and unwilling to argue with her.
“Waterloo something or other. There’s a small municipal airport there.”
“Great, I’ll get it all arranged. When you know you want to come home,” she hands me her card, “Just call. I’ll make arrangements for them to come back and pick you up.”
Neither one of us argue with her. We both know all too well that Cami gets what she wants and saying no is like signing your own death warrant.
“I really wish you’d consider taking someone with you, Casey or Beck, Mills even.”
“No, I need to deal with this by myself. The worst thing I will have to deal with is sideways glances and exes,” Calvin says with a slight chuckle, but I can tell there is very little humor in his voice.
“Alright, but keep the guys on standby, please, if you need them, or if things get out of hand. You know how word can spread fast,”
“Okay,” I agree as she walks up to Calvin.
“I’m really sorry, Calvin. I’ve been there, so if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here.”
He gives her a small smile. “Thanks, Cami, I really appreciate all that you’re doing.”
“Anytime guys.”
With that, she secrets herself out of the house and I walk over to Cal. “How you doing?”
He takes a deep breath. “I’m better today, ready to get moving, I guess. I don’t know. It’s just all so surreal.”
“How so?” I ask.
“Well, I guess I always thought that when I found out he was dead, I would throw a party. Though we kind of did. I guess I never thought that his death would mean anything to me and yet I feel so lost. I never wanted to step foot on the soil of that town ever again, but yet here I am, ready to pack to leave and go right back there again. And in a strange way, I find it hard to believe that I don’t feel the hatred I once felt for that man.”
“It’s hard to hate those who are dead, regardless of the circumstances surrounding your history. Trust me, we’ve all tried to do it in some fashion or another. But as long as this is what you want, I will be right here with you.”
“What if I asked you to stay behind?”
I cock my head at him. “Why on earth would you do that?”
He shrugs. “I think I can deal with it better, go and make arrangements, bury him and come home.”
“You know it won’t be that simple, right?”
He sighs. “It never is. I guess I can sit here and think that it will be just that simple all I want, but the fact of the matter is, it won’t be.”
“Do you honestly want me to stay here?”
“I want you to understand that if you come, you’re not going to a place like Los Angeles, or Philly, or even Denver for that matter. People don’t think the way that we do.”
“You’re worried about the perception, of you and I being together?” I ask stoically.
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
“Are you worried about it for your sake or for mine?”
“Yours.”
“Wrong answer,” I tell him. “Calvin, you have to understand that I’ve already come out. I grew up knowing I was gay, knowing who I was and what I was. I also grew up in an environment that didn’t always favor those that were different.”
“But Eric, you grew up in a household that accepted the fact that you’re gay. I grew up in a household that had no problem shipping me off to an institution to be reprogrammed to conform to their ways. I grew up in a world where being gay isn’t normal, where being gay is a sin against God. Believe me, this isn’t going to be easy for either one of us.”
“I can deal with sideways glances and whisper
ing behind my back. I’m not made of glass, Calvin, I will not break,” I tell him and I mean every word of it. “I am not going to cause trouble for you. I am going so that you have someone to lean on when you will need them most. You’ve been away from that place for over a decade, no one knows you and all you’re going to get are pity glances and condolences and I am pretty sure you want none of that, am I right?”
He nods his head.
“So, am I going with you?” I ask him, hope in my voice. I can’t bear the thought of him going at this head on, alone and without someone to be there to pick up the pieces if things fall apart. I get his stoic, tougher than rocks exterior he is trying to portray, but I know that deep down, under the rock, there is a shit storm starting and I want to be there when it does. Show him that it doesn’t matter who you love, love is love.
“Yes,” he breathes. “I can’t ask you to stay here. I need you by my side.”
I smile. “Good, now let’s get to work.”
MUNDANE tasks are enough to channel my thoughts away from what I’m about to face. At least until we boarded the plane.
Casey showed up about an hour after Cami left. Cami called him to let him know she’d made arrangements for us to leave when we were ready and Eric and I decided that the sooner, the better.
Eric called Mary-Beth, or whatever her name is, to let her know that we were coming and that we would be there later this evening. Apparently she was thrilled at the idea, at the fact that the long lost son of Raymond Walter Caldwell was finally returning home. I am more convinced now that she hasn’t a clue what she was asking of me when she called the first time.
As the plane takes off, my nerves take over. I haven’t stepped foot on Maynard soil since they carted me away in the middle of the night and I vowed to never go back, no matter what the circumstances were. But yet, here I am, on a plane, about to land in Waterloo, Iowa.
Eric squeezes my hand as we touch down. I lean over and kiss his shoulder before resting my head on it. He returns my kiss by kissing my forehead. Reminding me that he’s here and he has me.
Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) Page 31