“Mom, that’s what I need, if you can’t understand I’ll just go home.”
“No, no…stay here, I won’t say another word about it, promise,” she assures me.
“Thank you.”
Dad reaches out to squeeze my hand. “But I insist on the security guard, at least until that woman is caught.”
“Chanelle!”
“No Nicholas, I won’t have her running around unprotected, she needs security!”
“It’s ok Dad, the guard can stay, if I send him away it’ll only encourage Evan to pursue me harder, just let him have his way on this one.” So my new life plan has been set into motion at my parent’s kitchen table that day in late October. The next few weeks my life falls into a routine of working and secluding myself in the guest room at my parent’s house. I can fake emotion at work with my patients, co-workers and even my parents, but only for a limited period of time. Then I retreat back into the dark, numb place that is my life without Evan. In a very distant part of my mind, I think that the emptiness will go away with time, I’ll return to my old self eventually, after purging Evan from my heart. The longer I go without him though, the less I feel anything. It begins with a horrible period of immeasurable pain and heartache, and then anger about the way things turned out. And now…nothing…that is better than the pain and anger but how can I build a new life, a future with absolutely nothing left to give? I’m floating from one day to the next; making no progress and my parents began to worry more, suggesting I return to my old therapist. I consider that for a second but really, it’s too much effort; I just don’t care anymore, about anything or anyone. The only accomplishment I see in my future is to trudge through all the days between now and death. That’s it, I just have to get there and pray it will be better in another place, another existence, please God, don’t let this follow me past this world…. please.
Chapter 35 (Part 1)
“No Air” by Jordan Sparks
“Every Breath You Take” by The Police
Evan
I’m sitting in the dark staring at the most beautiful creature, so delicate, and for the moment peaceful. I know it won’t last, I can feel it in my soul, she’s leaving. I don’t even think she knows it herself, but we share tormented pasts and after today’s break-in she no longer feels this is a safe zone. My home, where I wanted her to feel so comfortable and safe, where she could let down her guard, is now instead her hell. She has been doing so well, our formal dinner/table seduction the other night was all the proof I needed that she was feeling confident and that she knew my house was now her home. Fucking hell, that damn intruder fucked it all up! Who the hell is she? I’m astonished that Marco was involved. He’s been one of the very few tight-knit employees that I could trust the most important person on earth with…my Mia. I have Mr. Saint looking into explanations; I have to believe Marco wouldn’t do this unless he was being blackmailed. I let my eyes roam her body from head to toe, memorizing every curve, every smooth, sensitive part of her, knowing I won’t be able to touch her for an unknown length of time. God I miss her already and she’s still lying next to me in bed, she’s beginning to stir, it won’t be long before she wakes from a nightmare. She went to sleep before her medication, with a mind full of torturous visions from her past to keep her company, all brought to the forefront today by an intruder. An intruder I allowed to enter my home, armed and touching my lifeline, my love. Watching that video was the same as seeing my own life threatened. If Mia were hurt or taken from me, there would be no reason to continue on in this world. We’re connected in a way that neither one could survive without the other. The moment we collided into each other’s lives was the moment our souls became united, the magnet started its pull and there is no separating us now. She’s going to leave me, but I’ll never allow her to be out of my reach. I’ll give her time, space, and then I’ll prove to her she’s safe with me again. I’ll catch this crazy intruder and kill her myself; to make sure she’ll never threaten us again, ever. I’ve killed before, my mind has lost the details, the names and reasons, but I know I’ve done it, that knowledge must be a permanent part of a person, no matter what happens to their mind. In fact I’ve learned a lot about myself these past few weeks, things I’d rather not know, shocking and horrible things. It’s no wonder someone is trying to get at me, any number of people or organizations could very well want me dead. I’ve been connected to a mafia-like group in Spain, along with a private sex club that I have mixed up memories of. I know there’s a connection between all of this and my restaurants and night clubs, I’ve had Isaac feeding me information about both to see if I can drudge some of it back up in my mind, but so far no luck. Isaac knows of my involvement, he’s educated me on my past life more than I want to know; I was a beast, a horrible man. I used people for what I wanted and threw them away without looking back, a shrewd businessman, frequently unfair, an asshole. I don’t know that man, but I could be held responsible for his actions and that’s where the problem of keeping Mia safe began. I have to tie up any loose ends my prior self had with these people to ensure a safe future with my love. And at the same time, I have to take care of this time bomb growing in my brain. I’m paralyzed with fear of what will happen to me if it’s removed, if it explodes, if it grows.
Returning to the man I used to be isn’t an option. Mia loves the Evan that I am now and she’s my reason to live, period. But the risk of leaving it in place, letting it grow and continuing to affect my personality is risky as well. Who knows what kind of person I could turn into, so far it hasn’t made my semi-amnesia any worse or any better, I’m just coasting along, tempting fate. I had Mia believing that I was ignoring my tumor, just hoping it would go away, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Specialists from all over the world have been puzzling over my case, trying to come up with a way to remove it without killing me or giving me further brain damage. So far no one has a solution, inoperable is stamped in red all over my medical records, but I refuse to believe there isn’t someone, somewhere who can fix me.
But on the small chance that no one is able to, I’ve made arrangements, changed my will, and Mia will be taken care of forever. I’ve left her nearly everything, aside from what I always promised my sister Gabriella. There’s more than enough for both of them to be comfortable for multiple lifetimes. Moving as quietly as it is possible with crutches, I leave the bedroom and go to my office to call Mia’s parents. I know they’re her safety net, good people, not like my parents; thank God nothing like my parents. They nursed her back to life for years after her attack, there’s no doubt in my mind she’ll go to them when she realizes she’s leaving. I want to speak to them, introduce myself, tell them how much she means to me, alert them she’s coming and convince them my plan is the best thing for Mia.
Convincing Mia’s mother is easy, I immediately have her charmed; I have a way with women. Her father though is a tougher nut to crack, I have to do some quick thinking to earn his approval, but as usual with all things that matter in my world, I get what I want. He agrees to let me keep security on her, to secretly let me in his house so I can put my eyes on her while she sleeps, so I can keep my sanity. I ask them to encourage her to stick with our plans for a dinner party this weekend where I can meet her family and friends in person and most importantly I convince them to not allow her go home to her apartment. I’m working on selling that place as fast as I can, she’s not safe alone and if I can’t have her here with me, I want her with her parents and my security guards. Every minute of the day and night, not alone and unprotected in an apartment above shops and a bakery, where the public will be coming and going constantly, too many opportunities for a psycho to slip in, too risky. And really, what father could argue with that? He wants her safe as well, he doesn’t know me, but I have a way of persuading people to follow my instructions. I’m naturally dominant and it’s served me well. Add that to how much my love for Mia was conveyed over the phone, and it’s not much of a coup. When we’re finished I call Isaac, the
only person left, along with Mr. Saint that I feel I can trust, and arrange for him to follow her whenever she bolts. I give him her parents’ address.
Isaac is a jack-of-all-trades, he’s my assistant in my personal life, business life and he had plenty of security and defense and military training. The three of us will take turns guarding her 24/7; I’ll be on the night shift so I can personally check in on her while she sleeps. With her on sleeping pills I’ll be able to watch her with no risk of her waking. She can have her space when she’s awake, but no way am I staying away at night. I’ll give her time, but not too much, I need her like I need oxygen and I can only hold my breath for so long, coming up occasionally for a gasp of air while she sleeps. If she won’t come back on her own in a reasonable amount of time I have a plan B. But she’s not going to like plan B.
Chapter 35 (Part 2)
“Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler
Work…for now it’s giving me a purpose; somewhere I can go to help others, because I sure can’t help myself. I’m pathetic and if I had the capacity to give a shit, I’d be embarrassed by the way I’ve been acting. After three weeks, Mom and Dad would have committed me to a psychiatric unit by now if I hadn’t been going to work, the only “normal” thing I can seem to accomplish.
“Mia, why don’t you go out with your friends, they miss you…or the glass blowing studio, just get out and do something fun, something you enjoy,” she was pleading, begging really, I know how much I was disappointing her, both of them, but I just couldn’t. I’m in the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life, darker than after my attack even. This is a struggle that has no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, Evan is a danger I need to stay away from, as much as I’m hurting, at least I know where I stand when I’m alone. Loving him is the single most beautiful, fulfilling and yet destructive experience I have ever been through. I may have been able to get past the stalker; she could have been caught for all I know. But since being away from him I’ve realized how truly scared I was of losing him in any way; personality change, coma or even death, there are so many ways he could be stolen from me. That time bomb in his brain is going to take him from me one way or another, and I’d rather end things on my own terms.
There are times I actually dress to go to him, I sit in my car, and once I even started driving toward his house, once all the way to Dominus, my heart aches for him. I always turn around though and end up climbing back into my cold empty bed, alone. He returned my things a few days after I left, a sign to me that he was being reasonable and in agreement about our separation. Until one day a week ago when my iPad lit up with a notification of an email or Facebook message on my bedside table in the dark. I hadn’t touched it since I’d left his house, there’s really no room for music or entertainment in my life now, so the iPad, once one of my favorite belongings, sits unused. I picked it up to turn it off, but before I could think, I tapped the iTunes button and saw a playlist, one that hadn’t been there before. I clicked it open and knew it was from him; he was communicating through music with me. I pressed play on the first song, the one he assigned as my ring tone when I left him. I lay there listening to song after song about loss, about coming home and love, with no tears this time. I was an empty shell, but I knew now he still wanted me. I’m not sure why this was a good thing, we absolutely couldn’t be together, he refused to acknowledge his brain tumor and people were out to hurt or even kill him, but the knowledge that he still loved me melted a drop of my frozen heart and helped me to hold on to my sanity. A few nights ago when I was not scheduled to work and sleeping at night instead of the day, I opened my eyes and I swore he was there, across the room, beautiful in a dark grey suit, he sat with one ankle across his opposite knee, elbows on the arms of the chair and hands steepled in front of him, touching his lips and staring at me, looking severe and tormented. I closed my eyes thinking, this shit isn’t real, and when I woke again close to morning he was gone.
I’m finally cracking, hallucinating, so what the fuck is next? Maybe I should go see a therapist, I can’t work at the hospital if I’m losing my mind; it’s not safe for my patients. I could care less about myself but the patients, that’s different. Mom was thrilled to say the least when I told her I’m ready to see someone; I didn’t tell her why and she really didn’t care, as long as I went and got help.
“I’ll make an appointment for you honey, you don’t have to worry about it at all, I know your work schedule. I also have something I should tell you, please, please don’t be upset with me, but I invited Lily and the girls over tonight for a girl’s night in. This seclusion can’t go on any longer and frankly Lily is driving me up a wall calling all the time, you need to see them.”
I groaned; I don’t want to see any fucking body, I just want to be left alone, God, I get up and go to work three nights a week, isn’t that enough? Mom is relentless though, it’s kind of ironic that Lily annoys her; they’re very much alike. I’m too weak and empty to fight so I agree.
“Ok.”
“Really?” Mom jumps up and down a little, clasping her hands in front of her face like a kid who just found out they were going to Disney World, her enthusiasm making me even more exhausted.
“Yea.” And the girls coming over…?
“You already did it so…. when are they coming?”
“Tonight, six o’clock, they’re bringing movies and wine, I’m making my famous chicken tacos.” Fuuucckk me, tonight?
She’s going to kill me, maybe I should be grateful; I’d rather be dead right now than with my friends eating my mother’s chicken tacos, drinking wine and watching movies, I know it’s a bit melodramatic, but it’s the truth…I really don’t care about a social life…at all. I go back up to my room without eating, I haven’t had an appetite for almost a month and I’ve lost weight, too much weight; my clothes are uncomfortably baggy, borderline sloppy-looking, but I don’t give a shit. It’s one in the afternoon, and I go back to bed, I don’t sleep, too scared of nightmares without sleeping pills, I stare at the ceiling, or the wall when I have enough energy to turn onto my side. Life is one big beige canvas, the walls, the ceiling all conveying my mood, emotionless beige, blah.
I barely hear the doorbell ring from my conscious coma, but a light rap on my bedroom door tells me it’s time.
“Mia?” Lily says softly, opening the door a crack. “You’re lying in the dark, woman.” Typical Lily style, she flicks on the switch by the door and gasps when she sees me. “Oh…Mia…God you’ve lost weight, and you have huge bags under your eyes, shit we came just in time!” Well fucking thank you! Ok so I know I’ve lost weight but really? This is Lily, she’s dramatic and over the top, surely I don’t look that bad…. do I?
Maybe I should get on the scale later…oh why bother, who cares anyway? I sure as hell don’t. Lily doesn’t waste time pulling me from bed and downstairs, where all the girls wait in the living room, along with one guest I didn’t expect, Sage. My sister looks at me with deep sorrow in her eyes.
“Don’t.” I don’t want her pity, but she comes at me and hugs me close, saying quietly in my ear so the others couldn’t hear her, “It’s going to be ok, I’m right here for you when you wake up.” My entire body is locked up; every wasting muscle that has been lax for weeks suddenly becomes alert and tense. I jerk away, eyes wide and I step back from her.
“What did you say? You’ve talked to him….” She nods in confirmation, that’s what I said to him when he lay unconscious in a coma in my ICU on the brink of death. The first words I said, and the words he was now trying to use to bring me back from my self-inflicted coma…. using my sister as a messenger. He wasn’t playing fair, using my own words on me. I thought I was empty of tears, of feelings but a tsunami of pain comes rushing back, a million times worse than before.
All of my hard work at numbing myself just explodes like firecrackers in an ice sculpture, and shards of my pain and grief scatter everywhere.
I’m right back to that first morning weeks ago here at my parent’s house, the morning I ran. My body is unable to support any further stress collapsed and I drop to my knees at my sister’s feet.
“Oh god Mia, I didn’t mean to upset you, he begged me to say that to you! He said you would understand…I thought it would help you realize how much he loves you, that he’s there for you!” My sister is on the ground holding me, with my mother behind me trying to get me up off the floor. I’m sure my friends are shocked but I can do nothing but sob, my body wracked with actual physical pain, my soul shattered. I need him, this can’t go on any longer, something has to change.
Movie night is officially over, and I’m back in bed where I prefer to be, my sister was sick with guilt. “I should never have listened to him, I…I thought it would help…she’s so lost…it’s not natural to crumble so completely after a breakup, and my God Mom, she’s lost so much weight!”
She’s outside my door whispering to my mom, they must think I’ve gone to sleep but I hear every word. “Sage she’s not had a normal life, this was the first man she ever let in, her first love. Just think of how devastating it must be for her to finally let someone close and have it fall apart so badly.”
“You’re right…. but mom she’s wasting away, I can’t believe she can still work twelve hour shifts at the hospital, does she ever eat?”
“Not much, I have to beg her and she stays in that bed all the time, just lying there staring at the wall, it’s like her life switch has been turned off.” That’s exactly what’s happened, my fucking life switch has shut off, so just leave me alone and let me die.
“It’s worse than after her attack, she was responsive to help then. But now she’s just given up.”
“Let me stay with her mom, I feel so bad for upsetting her, I really wanted to help, and all her friends came…. I really messed up.”
Dark Kiss (The Two sides of me Book 1) Page 25