Foy’s mouth turned down. “I’ll go, but tomorrow I want to hear all about your travels.”
I collected my quilt, taking it inside and closing the door. Before I could stop myself I was crying, the sobs bubbling out of me as though unstoppable. I lay face down on the bed and gave myself over.
***
I slept the day away, opening my eyes to a dark room. I got up to light the fire, shivering as I waited for the warmth. Images of Kafir and Tara in each other’s arms remained in my mind no matter what I did to distract myself. How could he do this to me? But then I had to accept we were no longer together, no longer a couple in any sense of the word, a decision I had made by my stubborn and selfish behavior. My stomach clenched and I rocked forward, wrapping my arms around myself. How could I find my baby without Kafir’s help?
When I fell asleep again my dreams were filled with Kafir and Tara, their mutual laughter ringing in my ears. Rifak was like a spector in the background, his large eyes entreating me. In the morning I felt ill, my stomach clenched in knots. I hoped Gunnar would be true to his word, because I had no way to contact him.
I stripped, goosebumps appearing on my skin as I washed, using the stale water left behind in the crock. While changing into clean clothes my stomach rumbled. I would go to the Inn for a meal and after that I would confront the woman I had considered my friend.
Walking into town brought me by several women carrying small babies, but it wasn’t until I ran into Dagmaer that I registered the reason for this.
“Gertrude!” she called from across the street, hurrying over. She looked in the peak of health, a swaddled bundle in her arms.
“Dagmaer! My goodness!” I looked down on the bright hair of her sleeping child.
She laughed. “I’m married now. The cards were right. He picked me to be his bride.” Her eyes were bright with pride, her hand moving across her baby’s soft hair. “Halli, I mean Hallvard, is already two months old.”
“I’m so happy for you! Did the chieften relocate to Fell?”
“No, no. We’ve come for the upcoming festival. I’m so sorry about Rifak. You haven’t given up, have you?”
I shook my head making me dizzy for a second. “I have to get something to eat,” I told her, heading toward the Inn.
“I’ll come with you. Ari and I are staying there.”
“Hello, Sven,” I said when we came into the Inn, but he didn’t answer, turning his gaze to Dagmaer.
“Ari and the rest of ‘em are in the dining room.”
I followed her into the other room wondering why Sven had been so unfriendly. Did he still blame me for Solti’s death?
Dagmaer stopped in front of a large table, her smiling gaze on the blonde-haired man sitting there. Sitting next to him were Kafir and Tara. Heat rose into my stomach and for one horrible moment I thought I might throw up.
“Gertrude!” Tara exclaimed, a smile lighting up her face. “I’m so happy to see you!” When she rose to greet me she held a similar bundle in her arms. “Yes, I am also a mother.”
My gaze went to Kafir who hadn’t said a word, his eyes on Tara. Was that why he’d sought her out? Was he this baby’s father?
Ari stood and pulled out a chair, gesturing for me to sit down as Tara continued. “Kafir has filled me in on your travels. I’m so very sorry, but I’m glad you’re all right.”
I was unable to utter a word, nodding to her like an automaton.
“You need something to eat,” Tara continued, pushing the basket of bread toward me.
I took a piece, buttering it lavishly before stuffing it into my mouth.
“Where is Brandubh?” Kafir asked.
“I suppose he’s on Gypsy,” I managed to mumble. “I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning.”
“You didn’t stay on the boat with him?”
“No. I stayed in my house last night.”
Kafir looked away, picking up his cup to take a sip.
“Kafir told me all about your run-ins with Adair. I can’t believe she’s still got Rifak.” Tara turned to Kafir. “When will Gunnar return?” she asked him.
“I thought he would be back by now, but possibly he’s gone home.”
My heart sank. I didn’t have it in me to seek out the druid. “He promised Brandubh he’d rejoin him.”
“Maybe he’s already on my boat,” Kafir said, staring hard at me. “Brandubh will have to find another place to sleep since I plan to take off later on today. You have room for two in your house, Gertrude.”
“My house has one room, as you well know. I will not share it with a man I hardly know.”
Kafir turned back to his plate.”I would say you know each other intimately,” he muttered, before putting a forkful of eggs into his mouth.
I didn’t answer, occupied for the next few minutes with the plate put down in front of me by the barmaid. Despite my earlier feeling I attacked the eggs with gusto.
The conversation around the table went on as I ate, Ari talking about the festival and his child—one of many, he laughed. “But this one is special,” he added, placing a hand on the back of Dagmaer’s neck and looking down at his baby son.
I waited for Tara to explain, but she didn’t say anything, only smiling at Dagmaer. I finally couldn’t stand it any longer. “Tara, who is the lucky father?”
She looked over at me, her eyebrows raised in surprise. “Oh--of course you wouldn’t know. Tamar and I are married now. Lifa is his child.”
“Tamar! I didn’t see you with him the night of the…”
“It might have been after you disappeared with Kafir.”
She’d known all along. I was happy for them and thought they made a good pair. “Will you move into the hills?”
Tara laughed. “I love the farm and the sheep. I’ve already knitted several baby garments with their wool. We’ve only come down for the festival.”
There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone took in the magnitude of what was happening--two women with newborns and another who had lost her child. I stood up, pushing my chair back. “I’ll be going now. I’ll pay Sven on my way out.”
Kafir rose, the legs of his chair scraping across the wood floor. “I’ll pay for your meal. Can we talk for a minute?”
I nodded, watching him head toward me. He took hold of my arm steering me out of the dining room. In the lobby he threw some coins down, nodding to Sven who seemed to know what was going on. “Do you want to come up to my room?”
“I…don’t know. Is it proper?”
“Thor’s thunder, Gertrude. Proper?” He threw his head back, laughing loudly and causing a number of people to stare.
“Okay,” I mumbled. “Yes.”
He led the way up the staircase to a room in the back. It was bigger than the one I’d originally stayed in, with two chairs and a table facing the window that looked out over the commons. The sky was still the color of pewter and I shivered even though the room was warm.
“Sit,” he ordered, gesturing to one of the chairs.
He sat next to me, his gaze going out the window. “They’re already preparing for Ostara.”
Below us several burly men were setting up tables. “Has it really been a full year?”
“Hardly seems possible,” Kafir mumbled, running his fingers through his clean curls.
“I thought you and Tara—well, Foy told me you summoned her last night.”
“She knew we’d sailed in so she left a message for me with Sven. After hearing the news about Rifak she wanted to speak to me first.” He swiveled in his chair to face me. “You have a way of jumping to conclusions.”
“I know and I wish I didn’t. I’m sorry, Kafir—for everything.”
“So tell me, Gertrude. Are you and Brandubh together, or not?”
I was surprised by the question, having assumed that this conversation would have something to do with Gunnar and finding Rifak. When I looked up, his troubled eyes searched mine.
“He’s wooing me right now.”
I stared out the window for a moment, picking my words carefully. “The idea of you and Tara together…well…let’s say I didn’t sleep very well. And if you had been together it would be my fault. I’ve been a damn fool about so many things but I just can’t seem to stop my crazy thought process.” I drew in a long breath. “But the most important thing is finding Rifak, and without you and Gypsy I don’t know how I’ll manage.” My tears had started and I turned my head so he wouldn’t see them.
Kafir stood up and began to pace, his boots making a hollow sound on the floorboards. “My feelings for you haven’t changed, but I cannot tolerate your attitude about me and my life. I won’t be with a woman who doesn’t respect me.” He turned to face me, waiting for my reply.
“I love you—it’s clear from the jealousy I feel every time you look at another woman. But I need some time to sort through the rest of this. Finding my son is my first priority. If I don’t find Rifak I’m not sure I want to be with anyone.”
Kafir walked to the window, facing out with his back to me. “That statement pains me greatly. I cannot make any more assurances about finding Rifak. I have to hope that with Gunnar’s help we stand another chance, but after all we’ve been through…”
“Do you have to leave so soon?”
“I’ve had news of animal sightings and I must follow up on it for Sahere’s sake. I know you don’t approve.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about it now. After seeing Sahere’s setup I decided I was wrong.”
“So maybe I’m not the despicable human being you thought I was? Glad to hear that. You’d better go. I have things to take care of before I sail and having you near me is a distraction.” He took hold of my hand pulling me up, but he didn’t embrace me, only escorting me to the door. “You’d best tell Brandubh to pack up. I’ll be back in a day, maybe two. It will give us both some time to think. Gunnar may come here to Fell or he may seek me out. He gave his word to Dancer.” Kafir opened the door, standing aside to let me go by.
“Hurry back,” I said, a thread of hope working its way into my chest.
“I hope you wait for me,” was his answer before he closed the door.
***
It was sometime later that Tara caught up with me outside the Inn. “You haven’t even met Lifa,” she said, her eyes sad.
When she held the bundle out I took the baby girl in my arms, staring down longingly. Her hair was curly like Rifak’s, her lashes dark against her pale skin. “She’s beautiful.”
Tara smiled, holding out her arms for the baby. “I feel so lucky to have her and so blessed to be with Tamar. He’s a wonderful man.”
“I’m so happy for you both and don’t forget that he’s blessed too.” I handed the baby back and then hugged her, my attention going to the charcoal clouds moving in from the east. “Tara, what is a feel-gyah?”
Her eyes widened. “Fylgje can be an omen of death. Why do you ask?”
“I’ve been having dreams and Kafir told me the dream woman I described was the goddess Freyja. He said she could be my Feel-gyah but I know he didn’t take me seriously.”
“Fylgje often appear in dreams, but she could also be a spadis—a prophetic goddess, bringing you visions about the future. Some say these dreams or visions are hamingjur or part of your own soul speaking to you. Did you see her or did she come only in dream form?”
“Only in my dreams. She told me that I need to follow my destiny, to let what I don’t need fall away, whatever that means.”
“From what Kafir told me you’ve had a disappointing and difficult time these past months. According to him there have been many distractions taking you away from your purpose.”
“He said that?”
Tara nodded. “Maybe Freyja is trying to help—to bring you back to yourself. Fylgje are also said to be the ancestral mothers. You have become one of us, Gertrude.”
“When did you turn so wise?” I laughed.
Tara smiled. “Must be motherhood. My advice is to heed what the goddess tells you.”
***
Walking home later I thought about what Tara had said. I had denied the return of my psychic gifts because every time I mentioned some insight, Kafir or Gunnar shut me down. Glanstgo had taken away the last bit of my confidence, the ensuing months of sailing with Kafir only confirming my inability to cope on my own. And now with the appearance of Brandubh I was more confused than ever. It was time to reconnect with myself.
I was lost in thought as I came up the hill to my shack, jumping when I heard Brandubh’s voice.
“Where have you been?”
“I was with a friend. What are you doing here?”
“I have no place to stay—Kafir sailed out a while ago.”
“You can’t stay here, Brandubh. I need to be alone right now.”
“I thought we might get re-acquainted.”
“My place is too small. Check at the Inn. I’m sure they have a room.”
“I don’t have any money.”
“That’s not my problem.” I turned away, opening the door.
“Please, Gertrude. I love you.”
I softened for a moment, hesitating as I opened the door, but then Freyja’s face appeared in my mind, her eyes narrowed in anger. “I’m sorry but that doesn’t change anything. Please respect my wishes.” I entered the cottage and closed the door behind me, leaning against it and hoping he wouldn’t push it open. When I took a look out the window he was gone.
***
My eyes flew open, the dream images drifting away. I had fallen asleep early after moving a chair under the handle of my door, dreams bringing me somewhere far from here and into a world that I recognized. But it wasn’t the setting that was familiar, it was my former self, the strong-willed clairvoyant fortuneteller and wise woman who had been absent since my arrival in Far Isle.
“Gertrude? Are you in there?”
I pulled away the chair and opened the door to let Foy in, closing it quickly behind him.
“What’s got you spooked?” he asked me, his gaze going to the overturned chair before clicking across the floor to lower down on my sleeping pallet.
“I don’t have a lock.”
“You never did.”
“Yeah, but you were watching out for me.”
He stared at me, his head cocked. “You seem different,” he announced.
“I have a Fylgje now.”
If satyrs could grow pale I would say this is how Foy looked. “They portend of death,” he told me solemnly.
“But they can also be protective counselors and bring luck.”
“Well, you know more than I do. We satyrs don’t need such spirits—we already embody them.”
I brought Foy up to speed on everything that had happened but when he began to question me further I put up my hand. “Foy, I hate to say this but I need to pack up. I’m about to leave.”
“On your own?”
“Yes, on my own.”
Chapter Twenty
Far Isle-2452
I packed my makeshift toothbrush and peppermint powder, some warm clothing, leaving the Tarot deck out; it was time to reconnect with the cards. It took several tries before I felt the cards relax in my hands, feeling like old friends as I shuffled and cut the deck. I didn’t know why they’d hidden themselves from me for so long. Maybe something had shifted now that I trusted myself to venture out alone. Whatever it was, I was happy to have them back. From the reading I concluded that the sorceress was in Jotunheim. It made sense since she and Loki were now together. Gunnar had not arrived and I wondered what had happened to him.
I decided not to let Brandubh in on my plan. I was tired of men taking over. The only person I told was Tara, who promised to keep it to herself until Gunnar and Dancer showed up. She gave me directions, telling me to head south at first and when I came to the roots of Yggrasil I should follow them to the east. These roots, she told me, were as wide as a river and as thick as the trunk of an ancient tree. If I paid attention I would kno
w what they were, but if I was daydreaming I might head across them thinking I was merely on a smoothed out hill of rock. She drew them for me, describing their shape and color, and including other landmarks in the area. When I asked how she knew all this she looked away for a moment before telling me that she and her parents had traveled there years before. Both her mother and father had died on that trip, leaving a nine-year-old girl to find her way back to civilzation. When I asked why they’d gone there in the first place, she shook her head, her eyes going dark.
The first leg of my journey would take me through Amalthea, a place I wanted to cross during daylight hours. Tara explained that it could take more than a week just to get to the roots. Jotunheim was very far from Fell, a wild and inhospitable land where giants lived. I should pack a rope because there was a massive wall between innangard, the civilized world, and utangard where things were wild and chaotic. It would be no small feat to get across.
She pleaded with me to wait for Kafir. “He loves you, Gertrude, and with his boat you might have some success. It will only be a day or two until he returns.”
“We’ve been traveling together for months and haven’t gotten anywhere—I love him too, but I can’t keep relying on him. This is something I have to do on my own.”
Tara had stared at me quietly. “He said you were stubborn but I’ve never seen it until this moment.” She shook her head, turning away. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” she said over her shoulder.
I watched her walk away, fear settling into my stomach. In truth I had no idea what I was doing.
It was a dismal cold morning when I left my little house, slinging my full waterskin over one shoulder, my knapsack over the other. Outside I found a basket filled with nuts, bread, pemmican, apples, potatoes and cheese. I knew it was Tara who had left it there and I smiled, thinking about what a good friend she was.
I walked briskly, my focus on the curving lane in front of me. I would keep to this trail until I reached the next village, at which point I would have to find the narrower path that veered toward Amalthea. I occupied my mind with memories of Rifak, smiling as I remembered his antics. I wondered how changed he would be—my mind going over everything that had happened these many months, from my trip to Tamar’s farm to the encounter with King Hreidmar, to the near disaster at Nifleheim. I wiped my tears away telling myself firmly that this time there would be no distractions. I would find him.
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