by Frost, Ada
“I tried and she wasn’t ready to listen. I’m not the fucking monster everyone thinks I am. I did this to protect Izzy and Emily.” I cleared my throat when it came out husky and dry.
“This is tearing you apart; I don’t understand it.”
“You don’t need to understand. Just make sure the fridge is stocked with beer.”
“You’re not this guy, Will; you don’t break hearts.”
“It would hurt her far worse if she lost Izzy because I was too selfish to let her go. She’s too stubborn to accept my help. Well, I’d rather die inside than see either of them hurt.”
“You love her.”
I let out a long breath and leaned back against the cushions. I rested my head back and stared at the ceiling. “I feel like my heart beats with the sole purpose of loving her.”
“That’s some poetic shit.”
I remained silent, not trusting my voice not to betray me. I heard him move from the counter and sit on the couch opposite me.
“You could have still talked to her. The theatrics were a dickhead move. She didn’t deserve that, and neither did that woman. Who, by the way, looked pissed when you just left her standing at the bar. What the fuck? I thought you’d be spending the night in her bed to forget—”
“I’m not a cheat.”
“You broke up, remember? No cheating involved.”
“Touching another woman when my heart is owned by Em is fucking cheating. I didn’t intend Emily to see that woman talking to me. It was just a twist of fate she walked in as that woman approached me.”
Ryan let out a suffering sigh. “Still doesn’t explain why you didn’t just talk to her.”
“I know that, but I couldn’t risk it. Her sister is vindictive enough to take the kid away; I needed it to seem real. I’d rather be a coward than risk hurting Emily and Izzy in the long run. I didn’t want her to have to choose. I'm pathetic enough to admit I didn’t want her to not choose me. I need her to hate me enough to… to never want–”
“So you were being a coward?”
“Pretty much. I did try and help, Ryan. If she would have let me, I’d have gone to fucking war for those two. But she couldn’t see it. She couldn’t see that I’d fight until we won. She still thinks she’s alone, and it kills me to know I’m not important enough to stand by her through it.”
“Maybe she’s just scared of the unknown.”
I had no reply to that. I knew Em was scared, but while her fears festered, Rhea was hurting Izzy and Emily and I was the cause.
“The little guy was right, you know.”
“Who?” Ryan said with a confused frown.
“Jo, when he came back home last year, when he and Lou finished.”
“How so?” Ryan asked. I could hear the confusion in his voice.
“When you find her, the one who completely owns you, it hurts to fucking breathe when you finally realise you’ll never… never get to hold her again, see her smile, or hear her laugh.” I released a gasping breath as pain sliced through me at what I’d thrown away. I closed my eyes and all I could see was her broken, beautiful face staring at me.
“I’ll never know, Will,” Ryan said quietly.
I felt the cushions dip beside me. I opened my eyes slowly and rolled my head to the side to see Jo had joined us.
“I’m sorry I involved you and Lou. I never intended you two to be caught up in this.”
He let out a weary sigh. “You’re my brother; we have each other’s backs. But, what if you just go to Emily—”
“No.”
“Why are you being this stubborn? Emily would never choose you over Izzy, and if she realised Rhea’s threat was very real, she’d understand your motives.”
I tried to hide the flinch of pain from my face, but his words cut so fucking deep I almost expected to see my blood pouring all over the carpet.
I nodded and returned to staring at the ceiling.
“I guess the hardest part of love is letting her go,” I choked.
“She didn’t deserve –”
“Let it go, little buddy. Ease up for a bit,” Ryan uttered in a quiet but serious voice.
A knock sounded at the door, making all three of us stare at it like freaking idiots. “Well, it won’t answer itself,” Ryan grumbled. When Jo and I continued to stare at the closed door, Ry stood with a grunt and pulled it open. “You can kick his ass; we won’t stop you.”
I sat up straight as Castor walked in the door with an open bottle of Jack. He took a large pull straight from the bottle.
“We f-f-fucked up.”
The fact Castor was speaking and barely stuttering said he’d consumed far more than the missing quarter of the amber liquid. I stood and walked slowly toward him. I made a grab for the bottle, but the guy had seriously quick reflexes. He moved the bottle out of my way and pulled another from inside his jacket.
“I figured you’d need one, too.” He handed me the Jack. I stared at the bottle before heading into the kitchen to grab some glasses.
“We fucked up,” he repeated.
“He’s a complete idiot,” Ryan said, closing the door and heading back to the couch.
“It was the only option he had left,” Cas said, earning a glare from Johan.
“Am I living in a warped parallel universe where everyone has gone completely in-fucking-sane?”
“Hey, I'm with you, little buddy. I think he was a total pussy –”
Castor slumped down on the sofa beside Jo. “It needed to be done.” He took a swig of his drink as my brothers stared in absolute bafflement at him. I couldn’t help but grin.
“You’re her brother –”
“That’s why I understand his motivation. Getting her to the club was easy; watching her fall apart fucking killed me.” He released a gasp after another swallow of Jack. Jesus, he was putting it away. I opened the bottle in my hand, poured two shots, and took a swig direct from the bottle. “I’m thinking we handled it wrong, and I seriously want to kick the shit out of you for how much pain she’s in right now. But I helped, so I’d need you to hit me back and I have a feeling you’d just stand there and take a beating, so it wouldn’t be fair.”
I nodded, taking another large pull of the soothing liquid. I handed Ry a glass and placed Jo’s on the coffee table and pushed it over to him.
“Hold up! Let me get this straight; you helped dickhead here to dump your sister. Not only that, publically humiliate her?” Jo sat forward, glaring at the pair of us. “Ry, am I the only one not understanding this fucking mess?”
Ryan shook his head and tossed his drink back, motioning me for a refill. Castor winced; the pain marring his expression made me feel like shit. But I’d needed his help.
“Did you not th-th-think it odd your brother can still walk after pulling that stunt? I may be a social freak, but –”
“Don’t call yourself that.” All three of us snapped in unison. I glanced at my brothers and a weak smile played on my lips before instant guilt punched me in the gut. At least we could still agree on one thing. Never use that word.
“O –kay!” Cas said slowly, looking at the three of us in bewilderment. “Will asked me to help. He wanted to break it to her, explain what Rhea had said and he thought he could walk away from that.”
I stared down at the bottle and watched the golden liquid swirl around in the glass.
“But Em is too far gone. This is the first time since Jack I’ve seen her totally besotted by a bloke. She looked at him like he walked on water,” Castor continued.
My eyes remained fixed on the bottle. I swallowed as a wave of broken emotion slashed through me. I hated what Jack had done to her, and even though it was irrational and outright stupid, I couldn’t help feeling jealous he had once claimed my pixie’s heart. But what I had done to her? I swallowed. I still could see the broken look in her eyes, the pain I put there. I put the bottle to my lips and chugged until I couldn’t swallow anymore.
“I still think he could have t
alked to her; she never would have risked Izzy.”
“Ah, well, you see, this is where you are wrong, my friend,” Castor said sloppily as he leaned back against the couch. He hugged the half-empty bottle to his chest. The slur in his words and slight stutter in formation said the alcohol was working its magic. “Em has never, and I mean never, argued with Rhea over a bloke. I don’t even think she ragged her arse for fucking Jack.” He tilted his head; a small crease formed between his eyes as he seemed to consider his words. “No, she didn’t; she just blocked her out. I think the first time she spoke to Jack was at the funeral.”
“What funeral?” Jo asked. He glanced at me and back to Castor.
“Clara’s,” he replied, as if everyone should know who she was.
“Okay, I’m fucking lost. Who is Clara? She another sister?”
“Clara was my niece,” Castor growled.
Johan sat forward, glaring at him. “Stop talking in riddles.”
“Emily’s daughter, Clara-Mae,” Castor exploded. His eyes bored into my brothers, daring them to say anything. I prayed both of them would choose their words wisely, because after talking to Em, I knew Castor was at the baby’s birth and it must be a raw memory for him, too.
Johan was the first to speak. He shifted sideways to face Cas. “I never knew she had a daughter.” Johan’s face paled. “What happened?”
“She fucking died,” Castor snapped. I winced because his words were vicious, but I knew they were to hide a world of pain. Cas may have helped me in breaking up with Emily, but he did it with the intention of protecting them both. He loved those two almost as much as I did. Because I refused to believe anyone could love Emily as much as I did.
When Jo opened his mouth to speak, I held up my hand. I took a swig of Jack before refilling their glasses. “Emily was pregnant with Jack’s baby when she caught him –”
“Fucking Rhea,” Castor not so helpfully interjected. He closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over his eyes.
“He didn’t know she was pregnant at first; the day Em caught him with his dick inside Rhea was the day she found out she was pregnant with his kid. But she went into premature labour and Clara was born…she was a stillbirth.”
“She was so fucking small,” Castor rasped, putting the bottle to his lips without opening his eyes.
“So how does this relate to what douchebag did?” Johan asked.
I glared at the fucker, because seriously, did we need the name calling? I’d messed up; I knew that.
“Rhea also fell pregnant with Jack’s kid – Izzy. Emily’s baby died and a few weeks later, Izzy was born, also premature.”
“She was a fucking disaster. All day, every day, all my sister did was cry. She wouldn’t eat or sleep, she just sat holding a tiny little blanket. Then our step-mum phoned to say Izzy had been born and the tears stopped. A veil went over Em, like a stranger was taking over her body. I watched her die inside. I watched as my fun-loving, sweet sister became closed off and hardened.” Castor paused, staring at the ceiling.
“From what Em told me, Rhea abandoned Izzy in intensive care. Just left the kid. Emily stepped in and became mom. Is that right?” I asked Cas.
“Pretty fucking much. The little princess is the reason my Em had a reason to smile again. That is, until he walked into her life,” he said struggling to stand. “I need a piss.”
I pointed down the hall. He bounced off furniture and walls down the hall. I turned to look at my brothers’ inquisitive gazes. “Castor was the one with Emily when she gave birth to Clara.”
Both of them looked at the hallway he’d just disappeared down.
“Shit!” Ry whispered. I bobbed my head.
“Rhea wanted fuck all to do with Izzy, as in she probably would have let the kid go into care had Em not stepped in. From a few hours old, Emily has raised that kid and loved her like her own. Rhea is vile to her, like super-bitch. She calls her –” I glanced apologetically at Jo, knowing what a trigger the word was, seeing as he was called it enough as a child. “Rhea hates Izzy being deaf, so she refers to her as ‘the little freak’. Emily does everything to protect her from Rhea, which is fucked up seeing as she’s her mom.”
“And you being in the picture was causing problems,” Ryan said quietly, nodding in quiet understanding.
“I couldn’t stand to see either Em or little Izzy face the wrath of Rhea when I could do something about it.”
“But you could have still talked to her –”
“She’s in love with him. She was prepared to fight Rhea over it.” We all turned at Castor’s slurred voice. He leaned sloppily against the wall. “It’s been seven long years since I heard Em dare question Rhea, let alone slap her.” He pointed to me. “She would have gone to war to keep him, and neither Izzy nor Emily needs that.” He staggered away from the wall, muttering a curse when he slammed his leg into the table.
Ryan startled me when he grabbed the bottle out of my hand and swallowed a big mouthful. “You had to do whatever it took to protect your family. I get that.” He looked at Jo then stared straight at me and nodded. “We get that.”
“I can’t excuse what I did, Jo; I just want you to accept it. If it was Lou –”
“Don’t bring her –”
“If Darren started causing shit, and there was a real possibility that she could lose Alfie, but you could stop that from happening if you walked away, tell me, what would you do?”
“I’d talk – oh, fuck it, she wouldn’t listen. Still, don’t make it right, what you did.”
“I love her. I’ve never even said those words to her, Jo. And now I’ll never get that chance. It may seem easy and simple to you guys, what happened in that bar, but I feel like part of me died. I’m tethered to her, and she will always hold a part of me. It wasn’t fucking easy; it hurts so goddamn much, but she’d have walked away. She would have left me eventually when she realised I wasn’t enough. Izzy is her everything and I can’t compete with that.”
We sat silently for a while, drinking bourbon and drowning our pain. I wanted to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, but when my lids closed, all I saw were two of the most beautiful blue eyes staring at me in shocked abhorrence. Even when she hated me, she was the most stunning woman I had ever seen.
“Ain’t gonna stop Lou kicking our asses,” Johan said, reaching for the bottle. I chuckled, nodding in agreement.
“That woman of yours has more balls than the four of us put together.”
Jo scoffed. “I don’t want to think of Lou with balls. She’s too hot for that.”
“You give your heart to a woman and she ties a noose around your balls,” Castor huffed pejoratively.
“Wow, you three should apply to Hallmark,” Ryan snorted.
“Your time will come, Ry.” Johan smiled, leaning back and closing his eyes.
“Nah, being alone suits me fine,” he added softly.
But I couldn’t help but pray one day someone would capture his heart. Mine was safely locked away with my gorgeous pixie-girl, and I didn’t want it back. She’d claimed it, and I was happy to leave it with her.
Three Weeks Later
“Rhea, what are you doing here?” I scowled as I opened the front door. I was already in my really cute Christmas pyjamas and Izzy was waiting in the lounge with popcorn and the remote, ready to press play on the Snowman.
“It’s Christmas; I’ve come to spend time with my daughter.” She shouldered her way into the lounge and sat beside a wary-looking Izzy. The poor little thing immediately slid her hands behind her ears and turned her hearing aids off.
Attempting not to poke the tiger, I offered Rhea a drink, but she simply smiled a sickly sweet grin and declined. Something was going on. My spine tingled like it had spidey senses or something.
“Where’s the boyfriend?”
I swallowed, still not quite at a point where I wanted to talk about him. It still hurt when I thought about him, and my brothers had learnt pretty quickly not to mention hi
m. “We aren’t together anymore,” I said, trying so hard to mask the pain in my voice. The sly grin that crossed her face said I failed miserably.
“What happened?”
I shrugged, aiming for nonchalant. So not what I was feeling. “Just ran its course. Never a long term thing, anyway.” My voice didn’t betray me this time; I actually sounded like I didn’t give a crap, but inside my heart hurt, my stomach cramped, and I wanted to curl up and cry the pain out.
Rhea’s face contorted into suppressed rage; it was like looking in the mirror when I was pissed off. I frowned, not understanding her anger. It couldn’t be annoyance that I was hurt – could it? Surely she hadn’t suddenly developed a heart.
“I've come round to take Izzy out for a little while. Spend some time with her.”
“She’s ready for bed,” I said, taken aback. I pointed to Izzy, curled up under a blanket, quietly munching on the popcorn.
“She’s in an onesie; everyone wears those these days.”
Rhea stood abruptly, grasped Izzy’s hand and tugged her to her feet. Izzy’s startled little yelp had me jumping to my feet and stepping in front of Rhea.
“She isn’t going out; it’s too cold.”
“She’s my daughter, and I will take her out for something to eat.”
“Stay and watch the film with us,” I asked desperately.
“I'm hungry,” she ground out through clenched teeth.
“I’ll…I’ll order –”
“Em, move out of the way. I want to spend some time alone with Izzy.”
I glanced down at Izzy, who was staring down at the carpet, her little hand clasped in Rhea’s. I really didn’t want her to go out. I was never happy when Rhea was alone with her.
“Please don’t take her out in the cold, Rhea. Stay in; we can order a takeaway, watch Christmas movies, and –”
“Get a fucking grip, Emily. Stop trying to put a wedge between me and my daughter.”
Seriously? I wanted to laugh in her face; there had been a wedge between them since she abandoned her daughter in the bloody hospital the day she was born.
“Rhea –”