by Frost, Ada
A humourless laugh burst from me. “I don’t need a knight in shining armour, Cas; I need loyalty. People to stop fucking me over. I’m not some damsel in distress; if you’d allowed me the choice, I would have chosen to fight for Izzy. I’d always fight for her.”
“But you don’t; you allow Rhea to walk all over you.”
“Fuck you, Castor.”
I kissed Izzy one more time and rushed out of the room before he had a chance to say anything else. I explained to the nurse at the desk that I was going for some fresh air and something to eat. She smiled as if she was relieved I was finally leaving.
I walked out into the corridor and immediately caught sight of Will sitting on the plastic chairs outside. His head was in his hands, and for a few seconds, I had a reprieve to gather myself together. It had been weeks since I had seen him; the effect his presence had on me hadn’t waned at all. I was still in love with him, but now there was a pain associated with him. He had taken more than his love away; he had taken my trust along with him. I squared my shoulders and stepped toward him, completely prepared to face him. I noticed the exact moment he knew it was me standing near him. His body tensed and his shoulders lifted slowly as he stared straight ahead for a few seconds as if gearing himself up to look at me. Slowly, his stunning green eyes set upon me. I almost lost my resolve and crumpled into a ball of tears, but I bit down on my lip and willed myself to hold it together.
“You’re not welcome here. Izzy said thank you for her flowers, but I think it’s time you went home.”
“I wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m not the one injured.”
“No, but I wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m not longer your concern.” I turned to walk down the long corridor, hoping I was heading in the direction of either the canteen or the exit.
“That’s the problem – you are my concern. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I laughed; I couldn’t help it. Was he kidding me? “Any concern you had for me was thrown out the window when you decided to humiliate me, fuck another woman, and take away my friends and my brother.”
“I didn’t –”
“I don’t have much in life, Will. –” I sucked in a breath, hating myself for allowing him to see tears in my eyes. “Izzy is my world; yes, it’s fucked up, but I love her with every breath in me. Everything I do is for her. I work shitty jobs to keep her safe and warm. I don’t have anything for myself. Until Lou, I’d not really had close friends in years. My brothers were who I turned to. And in one move, you took all that away from me. Lou and Johan sided with you. And it has just come to my attention, so did my own brother. I don’t usually trust people, but those three meant the world to me and you broke that. You stole it away from me. I’m beginning to see why you did it, Will. I also understand I have too much baggage –”
“That isn’t –”
“But it was cruel to take them away, Will. I get I’m not the type of girl to stick around for. I’m a quick fuck and an easy lay. I’m not a Marissa.” I let out a humourless laugh as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I let you take me on a motorbike, for God’s sake. I know that isn’t the type of woman you build forever with. I’ve made my peace with that. I don’t blame you, but I kind of hate you for taking my friends away.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. He was too beautiful, and even though I was angry and hurt, I still loved him. And I hated how I wasn’t good enough. I hated that I damned myself and doubted myself because of him. Everyone deserved to be loved, I got that, but when the one you love didn’t reciprocate your love, a pain settled in and didn’t let go.
I ran down the corridor, trying not to look like a completely demented psycho as tears streamed down my face. I turned a corner and spotted Jack juggling three takeout cups and two polystyrene parcels that I knew carried something hot to eat. He was transfixed on his balancing act, and I was only a few feet away from him when he looked up at me. He smiled before he caught sight of the tears and immediately bent to place the things on the floor.
“Em, what’s wrong? Is it Izzy?”
I shook my head and my lip trembled as I neared him. He looked over my shoulder and I knew without glancing behind me that Will had followed. Jack’s expression transformed from worried to understanding. He held out his arms and I ran into them, burying my face against his neck. I’d never been able to do that with Will; he was far too tall. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping against all hope that no one wandered by as I sobbed against Jack’s chest. I heard Will behind me make a deep noise in his throat, but I didn’t care. I needed him to leave.
“I think you need to leave,” Jack said gently. He wasn’t a man of conflict.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want to argue with you, but do you honestly think it is best for Emily and Izzy right now for her to be this upset? She’s dealt with enough.”
“I’m not leaving her.”
I clutched my fists into Jack’s shirt. Why was he tormenting me? I wasn’t begging him to stay; wasn’t that what men wanted? Why the hell was he insisting on persecuting me by sticking around?
“The canteen is down at the end of this corridor,” Jack said hopefully. I wanted to slap him for being so nice. What the hell is wrong with people?
I heard his feet shuffle and him draw closer; my back stiffened when I felt his hand softly touch my shoulder. I was coiled tight like a spring.
“I’m not leaving, Emily. I made a bad decision. But I’m not leaving.” I heard him walking away and lifted my head to peer at his retreating back. I couldn’t stop my eyes from tracking his slow, confident walk as he sauntered down the long corridor.
“I don’t think that story is quite finished,” Jack muttered quietly.
“Trust me, it’s finished; the final curtain call, no encore,” I whispered sadly.
“Oh, there’s scope for a sequel.”
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. “You’ve been reading too much; it’s addled your brain.”
“No,” he said, releasing me and bending to pick up his purchases from the canteen. “Your suggestion it’s possible to read too much is a sign of insanity.”
I chuckled and reached out to help with the coffees. “You’re insane, that’s for sure.”
We walked back toward the ward. I sipped on the hot coffee, sighing with relief as the caffeine worked its way through my system.
“Sorry I was a snivelling mess.”
“S’alright. It’s the first time in a week I’ve seen you wake from the zombie state you’ve been in.”
“What?”
“You shut down, Em. He may be the last person you want to see right now, but I’m grateful he’s here, because he got you to leave Izzy’s bedside. You’ve lost weight and I know you don’t sleep. He’s the first person to even tempt you out of the room, let alone the ward.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but only a feeble squeak happened.
“I still think there is more to what you think happened.”
“Jack,” I warned. I didn’t want or need this lecture.
“Hey, don’t you growl at me. I’m just saying. Sometimes you have to stop being scared of taking a chance on people.”
“I stopped taking chances when you shagged my sister, and look what happened when I did take a chance – he ripped my heart out,” I snapped, turning to glare at him. His face paled and he immediately looked contrite. He lowered his gaze and stared at the boxes in his hands.
“Sorry.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Look, I don’t want to argue. I just… it hurts to think about him, okay?” He bobbed his head, but refused to meet my eyes. It was just not my day.
“I’m going to go sit outside for a bit, get some fresh air,” I said quietly. I turned around without waiting for him to say anything and headed for the entrance.
“You here again?” Geoff asked. He was the night watchman. He walked down the c
orridor toward the children’s ward, outside which I had taken to camping each day. I lifted my head and lifted my shoulders in a shrug. The first few days I had sat there, I’d gotten a few strange looks and Geoff had asked me more than once to vacate the building. But once I’d handed over my ID and explained why I was sitting there, the guy seemed to take pity on me.
It was my fifth night of sitting on those god awful chairs, but I waited to see my pixie, and, hopefully, Izzy. Jack and Castor would give me updates; I often got a silent glare from Acis, but nothing more. Emily hadn’t left the ward since the day I made her cry and she ran into Jack’s arms. I’d wanted so much to rip her away from him and comfort her against my chest. I’d hated seeing another man with his hands on her, but more so Jack, knowing how she’d once felt about him.
Geoff sat beside me. That was when I noticed he had a small holdall. He pulled out a silver vacuum flask and two plastic mugs. He poured a cup and handed it to me; it was tea, I hated tea, but it was a hot beverage, and right then, I was kind of desperate. I sipped at the drink and tried not to wince.
He chuckled beside me. “I don’t drink coffee, vile stuff.”
“It’s okay. Thank you.” I sipped a little more; the warm liquid was a welcome relief to constantly drinking water.
He stuck his hand in his bag and pulled out a Tupperware box. He opened it and my stomach growled loudly. Geoff held out the box to me. It held white bread sandwiches. I wanted to devour the entire box, but I shook my head.
“I’m good with the tea, thank you.”
“I told my wife about you, said you hurt your woman badly and her little girl was hurt and you’d been sitting out here for four days solid waiting to see them, hoping they’d forgive you for messing up.”
“Wow, Cliffs Notes version,” I chuckled, taking a sip of the drink. One night, Geoff had asked why I was sitting out there instead of inside the ward. I’d had no interaction with anyone for three days and so everything just poured out of me. I felt a complete tool afterward, but the seasoned security guard didn’t bat an eyelid. He simply nodded, patted me on the shoulder and continued with his night duties. He’d stopped asking me to leave after that.
“Pretty much. She asked how you hurt her; I told her what you said. I woke up ready for work this afternoon and she’d made me some lunch, leaving me a note to explain she’d included some food for you, too.”
“That’s nice of her,” I said, reaching into the box when he offered it to me.
“She’s pretty terrific,” he said proudly, biting into a sandwich.
“How long have you been married?”
He pondered it for a few seconds. “Thirty-eight years come May.”
“Wow, long time.”
“You marry the right woman, it’s for life,” he said pointedly.
I snorted and bobbed my head in total agreement. I didn’t feel the need to explain I’d married the wrong woman, and lost the most perfect woman because I’d fucked up.
“She still refusing to see you?”
I sucked in a breath and released it on a sigh. “Pretty much. She’s hiding in there. She never comes out. I’m beginning to think it’d be better if I did leave; at least she wouldn’t feel trapped.” I stared at the closed doors. Every time they opened, I tried to see if I could glimpse my pixie, but I’d been unfortunate every time.
“It isn’t you. She never leaves the ward. The only time she did leave was to bollock you, apparently.”
I frowned, turning my attention toward him. He had a secretive smile on his face. He pulled out his phone and typed on it, as if he hadn’t just creeped me out by knowing that shit.
“How –”
“Nothing really gets past the cameras in my office, but even less gets past my wife.”
“Huh?”
“Ginny, she’s the ward Sister, basically a Matron, but she thinks that makes her sound old.” He chuckled. “She’s looking after your girls in there.”
I sat up straight, staring down at the man beside me.
“You didn’t hear that from me, though. I’m sure you understand how bad I would be –”
“Are they okay? I mean, they are doing good? Izzy especially –” The doors to the ward opened and I snapped my attention toward the doors to see a nurse in a navy blue uniform walk out. She glanced at us and I smiled, feeling my ears pink. I wouldn’t betray Geoff and shout my mouth off. I turned my head to face forward.
“My pal here isn’t a fan of tea, but he’s devoured the sandwiches.”
I glanced at Geoff, then up at the woman who stood smiling softly at us.
“He’s a greedy bugger, my husband, so it’s a good job he shared with you,” she said to me.
“How’s Izzy?” I cleared my throat; I didn’t intend to be impolite. I should have thanked her for the food, but I was desperate to hear about her. Jack and Castor seemed tight lipped, like they were betraying Em if they spoke to me. I hadn’t tried to force them; I’d caused enough damage.
Geoff’s wife, Ginny, sucked in a deep sigh and glanced at the ward doors. “Follow me; you stay silent and you leave when I say,” she said in an authoritative tone. I stood immediately. I brushed my hands, which started shaking, down my pant legs, and watched her expectantly.
“This breaks every hospital rule in the book, I’m sure,” she said, taking a card out of her pocket and swiping it against the automated locking system. The door bleeped and she pulled it open. The ward was dimly lit and silent apart from the odd beeping of monitors. She walked down the long corridor, passing hospital bays holding numerous beds, and four doors with large windows to the side.
She approached a brown door with a frosted glass window in it. She turned to look at me and stepped to the side. She placed her finger over her lips to warn me not to speak. She turned a silver knob below the window, and suddenly the glass became transparent and I could see my pixie and tiny princess in the warm glow of the night light. Em was curled up in a small cot bed at the foot of Izzy’s bed; her hands were curled under her cheek as she slept peacefully. Her blonde hair fanned out across the pillow. I tore my eyes away from her and up to Izzy. I sucked in a pained breath when I saw the purple bruises covering her face; she had a drip attached to her hand and a bandage covering her other arm. Her torso and legs were covered with a white blanket. She looked so peaceful and tiny lying there. I lifted my hand and touched the glass, wishing more than anything I could go inside and hold them. I loved them; they were my family, my forever, and I’d thrown it away. I sucked in a breath and tried to breathe through the pain slicing my heart in two.
Ginny placed her hand on my bicep and offered me a small smile. “We have to go.”
I wanted to argue; I wanted to stay there with them, to hold them, but I’d promised her I would do as she asked. I glanced once more at Emily and Izzy, sleeping soundly in the room. I nodded and followed Ginny. She pressed the green button to the exit and I turned, staring at the room down the corridor one last time before I left them behind. I stepped out into the vast hallway and ran my hands though my hair and tugged. Izzy was in there because I’d refused to give them up sooner, but how did you give something so perfect up? How did you enter heaven and decide to leave it behind? You couldn’t.
“You okay, son?”
I shook my head; I couldn’t speak right then. I should have thanked Ginny for taking me inside, but for fear of bawling like a complete pussy, I didn’t dare open my mouth. I blew out a shaky breath and braced my hands on the wall and leaned against it as the image of Izzy’s tiny broken body played through my head. A hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed. I swallowed hard, the silent show of support crippling me. I choked on the lump threatening to suffocate me.
“I don’t think I need to remind you that never happened. My wife can get in a lot of shit for what she just did.”
“I –” my voice was croaky and dry. I cleared my throat. “I never thanked her, but I am. Thankful, that is. So fucking thankful.”
He squeeze
d my shoulder. “I know that, pal.” He patted my back and I heard him gathering his things together. He walked away whistling, and I watched his back until he disappeared around a corner. I sat back down on the horrible blue chairs and I couldn’t help but smile. I’d seen my pixie and Izzy. I took out my phone and scrolled through the images I had saved of them; it was the first time since I’d had one developed at Christmas that I’d been able to look at them. I slid my thumb over the screen of a picture of Emily curled up in bed, her white comforter wrapped around her as she poked her tongue out at me. After I’d taken that picture, I’d crawled into bed and made love to her. Warmth spread through me with a slow building determination to win her back. Even if we would never be intimate again, I’d be in her life. I would take anything she was willing to give. I needed them in my life and I was prepared to do anything necessary to make that happen.
I dialled my lawyer. It was midnight in the UK, but it would only be dinner time in the States. Knowing my workaholic colleague, he would still be at the office.
“Hello?”
“It’s Will. I need you to secure everything for my permanent move to the UK. I won’t be returning.”
The day had finally arrived where I could take my babygirl home. She had been in the hospital seventeen days. She had cast on her little arm and ankle, so she had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair for a while, but she had the biggest smile on her face now as we waited for Jack to take us home.
“Mummy-Emmy, can I have chocolate ice cream when we get home?”
I chuckled and nuzzled my nose against hers. She’d been asking for real chocolate ice-cream for days. Apparently, it didn’t taste the same here. I must admit I was looking forward to a few home comforts, too.
“Definitely; we will ask Daddy to stop at the shop on the way home.” Her smile was reward enough. The bright sparkle was back in her eyes, and I couldn’t have wished for more.
When we pulled up to the house, there was a huge banner across the front window saying Welcome home, Princess. Balloons decorated the front door, bushes, and fence running between the houses. I smiled across at Jack and squeezed his hand. I mouthed thank you. But he shook his head.