Now that I’ve had my Kansas City pep talk I feel better, exceedingly better. Time to get my family back.
Quinn
At the end of a long work day and a longer work week, I’m still not done. Clare just dropped off Jack and Ashling here at Brogan’s. I’ve decided it’s time for Jack to meet Alex. I’ve talked to him about who Alex is, but they haven’t met face to face again. I wanted Alex’s face to heal completely first, plus I wanted to feel him out. He’s a good guy. I can only imagine the life he had to live with a predator for a father, but he turned out good despite all that.
Sofia was “lucky” as she tells it. Their father’s predilection was for boys, so she was untouched by him. Instead, she was passed around to other men until Alex got big enough to put a stop to it. According to her, that’s when he was about twelve. That’s a heavy burden for a child to carry. I’ve never heard him complain.
Alex strides in the back door with Sofia under his arm as Jack rolls around the grappling area with Owen.
“Jack,” I call out, stopping the wrestling. His little head pops up from holding Owen in a headlock. I nod toward Alex and Jack climbs to his feet.
“Hey, Alex,” he says through a giant smile.
“Hey, Jack,” Alex responds softly.
“You wanna wrestle me? Careful, I’m really good,” Jack stretches “really” as long as it can go.
“If you promise to go easy on me.”
“No way. Daddy says it’s all the way or nothing.”
“He tells me the same thing,” Alex says with a wink.
“Cool.”
And that’s it. Jack leaps onto Alex’s back, attacking him like a spider monkey as Owen instructs him from the mat like a trainer.
“You’re gonna have your hands full with that one in a few years,” Sofia says, saddling up to my side, looping her arm through mine.
“Gonna?” I tease.
“Will you let him fight when he’s old enough?” she asks, laying her head on top of mine. I’m tiny and she’s in sky-high heels as usual, making her almost a foot taller than me.
“I won’t get a choice in the matter. This will be his world. I can only hope that he’s as good as Kieran,” I admit with a shrug. “And I’ll hate every damn minute of it.”
“Maybe he won’t want to.”
Jack lands a hard elbow to Alex’s gut to the applause of Owen. His dimple bursting smile breaks across his face.
“No such luck,” I say with a prideful grin.
Kieran strolls in through the back door a few minutes later with his cocky swagger and cool smile. He offers me a chin lift before diving into the mêlée with his son and Alex.
I talked with Owen, Connor and Ian last month after my night with Kieran. I asked them to back off him and go back to being friendly (as friendly as they were). They grumbled a little, but I think they were happy to hear that I was loosening the reins on everything. Things aren’t back to normal with them, but they will be.
I called Shannon after my night with Kieran, too. That woman is a beacon of information and understanding. She also called me out on my shit. Informed me that all I was doing was running away from things with Kieran by moving the kids to the suburbs. I was going to isolate like I have for my entire adult life. It sucked to hear and I argued a little until I realized she was right. Running is my go-to when things get difficult. So, I’m staying in the city, fighting the urge to take my kids and hide behind a white picket fence.
Now that Shannon has Johnny, I feel more like an equal to her. She would never make me feel less than her, but it’s hard not to. Shannon Kelly is a super hero, the kind of woman women dream of being and men dream of being with. I’m lucky to call her my friend. I also got to see the super hero crack a little when she first became a mother. It was hilarious, sweet and endearing all at once. We’ve talked a lot about mom stuff over the past two months and it’s been so fulfilling for both of us. I wish we lived in the same city so we could see each other and have the kids get together.
Shannon’s birthday is in September, just a few weeks away now. We’re all flying down to Kansas City for her birthday. Kieran, Collin, Hugh, their parents and the rest of Shannon’s family that lives here in Chicago. I’m looking forward to it so much that I’ve already started shopping for clothes and gifts. Shannon and I do a lot of video chatting so I’ve “met” her man and her roommates—not roommates, family. She lives in a house of god-like men. It’s unreal how hot the guys around her are. I’ll be beet red for the entire week we’re there.
Sofia and I flop onto the couch to watch my son do his thing. Ian comes out of his office with Ashling, food covering her face. After wiping her up, Ian sits on the floor with her between his legs and encourages her to watch the fighting. She’s more interested in eating her toes. I stifle a yawn as the front door opens.
Mike walks in with a huge smile on his face when he spots Sofia. I guess Kieran’s about to find out I’m not with Mike. Kieran watches as he crosses the gym. I can see him willing himself not to attack Mike, which causes a slight grin to ghost my features. Mike offers Alex and the others a chin lift as he strolls by.
“Hey, babe,” he says softly leaning down to kiss Sofia before scooping her into his arms. Kieran’s face drops, goes rigid, slaps with confusion and ends in that Kieran grin. I smile at him with a slight shrug.
Sofia and Mike say their goodbyes, leaving quickly to go have crazy monkey sex. Her words, not mine.
I stifle another yawn and lean my head back on the couch. A few minutes of rest and then I can drive us home.
“Quinn,” I hear through a fog of sleep. “Jack’s hungry. Let me get you all home,” Kieran’s tar and whiskey voice brushes across my face.
I flutter my eyes open to find the gym empty other than Kieran and the kids. I must have passed out.
“I’m good. I’ll drive us,” I say, stretching my arms over my head and yawning again.
“Let me take you. You’re tired. I just wanna make sure you get home safe,” he says in that soft Kieran way that’s impossible to ignore.
“’Kay.”
He loads us into the SUV quickly and drives us to his parents’ house. I really need to move out, but I’m having a hard time making the effort. I want to do it the right way for the right reasons. It feels safe at their place for now, so I’m not rocking the boat just yet.
“Thanks for drivin’ us,” I whisper as we enter his parents’ living room. Jack springs into the kitchen to eat whatever is making the house smell decadent.
Kieran sets Ashling’s car seat down and pulls her out, eating her cheeks as he does. She squeals and giggles at her daddy with such love it makes my heart flutter. I miss this life with him. I miss it so much it hurts.
For the last month, Kieran’s been doing little things like driving me home or watching the kids so I can go out with Sofia. He hasn’t pushed me to talk or engage with him at all. He’s just been present. His presence is impossible to ignore when he’s like this. I’m losing the battle with myself to remain removed from him. The battle still exists, though. Every time I think about going back to him, I remember the day of the fight and I stop myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that day.
“I like drivin’ you guys home,” Kieran responds, passing Ashling to me. “Jack asked me to stay for dinner while you were asleep. If you don’t want me here, I’ll take off and take him out tomorrow to make up for it.”
“No, it’s fine. If Jack wants you here, it’s where you should be.”
He offers me a sad smile before turning and walking into the kitchen.
We eat dinner as a family for the first time in months, laughing and talking. It feels so good I’d almost forgotten this feeling existed. Not forgotten, denied. Jack’s his usual storytelling self, entertaining the table. Now he’s in his room playing while Kieran puts Ash to bed. Yeah, this feels good.
“Mommy,” Jack calls to me as he enters the living room where I’m lounging.
“Yea
h, Baby,” I say, extending an arm so he can curl into my side.
“I made you a present.” He hands me a piece of white paper with a drawing on it.
“Tell me about this,” I encourage, taking in the picture before me.
“It’s our family. You, Daddy, Ashling and me.”
There on the paper are four six-year-old-drawn, messy stick figures standing in front of what I assume is Kieran’s house, based on the color and shape. A lump forms in my throat as I try to hold back the tears. Not just because my son obviously misses his family being in one house, but because I miss it too. I want that picture to be real as much as Jack does.
“It’s beautiful, Baby.”
“Will you show it to Daddy? I’m gonna go take my bath now. Grandma put in a lot of bubbles.”
“I’ll show him.”
I rub my thumb across his dimple before he reaches up and kisses my cheek.
“I love you, Mommy,” he murmurs into my skin.
“Love you too, Baby.”
He thuds down the hall to the bathroom, excited for his bath. It’s still one of his favorite things in life, so he gets one at least once a day.
“Ash is down so I’m gonna take off,” Kieran says, moving into the room. “Jack’s in the bath. He wanted you to show me somethin’ before I went.”
I hand him the picture and watch his face as he looks at it. It hurts him as much as it hurts me. I can’t hold back the tears anymore and let them roll down my face. Kieran’s murky blues glisten with emotion as he looks down at me from the picture.
“Quinn,” he says through choked emotion.
“I can’t, Kieran,” I say as a sob breaks from my chest.
He drops to his knees in front of me, not sure what to do. His hands hover in the air before resting in his lap. He’s afraid to touch me.
“Can’t what?” he asks softly, studying his hands.
“Be without you,” I whisper, wiping my face.
His head snaps up with surprise and caution in his eyes.
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I want our family back as much as Jack does. I miss this life,” I say gesturing at the paper. “But I don’t know how to get past what you did to me.”
“I’m not gonna apologize to you again because those words mean nothing in the long run. But I swear to you I’ll never again in this lifetime treat you like that. I give you my word on the lives of our children…I’ll never ever disrespect you.”
The conviction in his face is hard to argue with, but my defenses aren’t that easily shed.
“I don’t want you to change who you are to be with me.”
“I’m not. I’m still an asshole. I’m still a criminal. I’m still a fighter. I’ll always be those things. But I’m promising you to not be those things with you.”
“I want to believe you so badly.”
“Let me show you.”
I pause and search myself for the internal battle that’s been raging, but it’s not there. I’m ready to try to trust him again. I want my family back enough to try.
“Okay,” I whisper, wiping more tears from my cheeks.
Kieran lets out a relieved sigh.
“I’m still me, Quinn. I’ll be possessive and dominant, aggressive and bossy, rough and harsh. That’s who I am. But when I’m with you I fuckin’ swear I’ll be the best versions of those things that I can be. I want you and the kids back home right this instant, but I’m not gonna do that. I’m gonna give you time and space to see me for more than my words. I wanna kiss you and hold you in my arms, but I’m not gonna do that, either. Until you trust me again, completely, with everything that you have, all physical contact will have to be initiated by you. I won’t make any attempt to push you.”
Blown away. I’m blown away and can’t find words to respond. Kieran’s smooth with words. It’s what makes him successful in life. I can see for every pore on his body, he truly means everything he’s saying.
“Okay,” is all I’m able to form, along with a tiny smile. I’m scared out of my mind right now.
“I love you,” he says confidently.
“Thank you.” Kieran jerks like I just slapped him. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t say those words in this moment.
“Daddy!” Jack squeals, running into the room in his hooded pirate towel. So damn cute.
“Hey bud,” Kieran says through a huge smile, turning to catch his son’s launching body.
“Did you like my picture?” Jack murmurs into Kieran’s chest.
“It’s awesome! Do you think I can take it home with me?”
“Sure,” Jack takes a long pause before finishing. “I wish I could go home with you.”
Jack whispers it so quietly I’m certain he didn’t want me to hear, which crushes me. He doesn’t want to upset me with his words. That’s too much responsibility for my son to carry and I swore he would get to be a normal, happy kid when I got him.
“Baby,” I coo, leaning forward on the couch.
He looks up at me with his stunning husky-like eyes, timid and worried.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to me.
“No, Baby, I’m sorry. You can say anything you want to me or your daddy. Don’t ever be afraid of tellin’ the truth. Do you wanna go home with Daddy tonight?”
“Will you come with me?”
“Not tonight. Ashling’s already asleep so I need to stay here with her. But if you wanna go, you can.”
“Are you gonna be mad at me?” he asks in a furrowed brow.
“No.”
“Are you gonna be mad at Daddy, more mad than you have been?”
“No, Baby. If you wanna go, I’ll be happy. I promise you,” I say through an encouraging smile.
“Do you want me to come home?” Jack turns his wide eyes up to his father’s.
“More than anything,” Kieran responds emphatically.
Jack’s smile bursts across his face, making his dimple almost look painful. Kieran presses a soft kiss to it before standing Jack up.
“Go get in some PJs and I’ll take us home.”
“Cool.”
Jack flies down the hall to his room, jabbering to his grandmother about his plans.
“You okay?” Kieran asks without looking at me.
“No,” I reply honestly. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now. I can’t be with Kieran just to make the kids happy. But I’ve been keeping the kids here with me for two months without once considering how not returning to Kieran’s would affect them. It makes it that much worse knowing I want to go home with Kieran just as badly as Jack does.
“I don’t have to take him with me,” Kieran mumbles in defeat.
“I’m not okay because I feel like a shitty mom, Kieran. Not because he’s goin’ with you.”
“Why do you feel like shitty mom?” he asks harshly, turning his murky blues at me encased in a scowl.
“Because Jack was hurting himself to protect me,” I mumble into the knees I’ve drawn to my chest.
“We can’t be together for the kids. It’d be worse than what they have now. Someday Jack’ll get that. You’re not a shitty mom, Quinn.”
I nod.
Jack comes flying into the room, as close to literally flying as he can get, with his Superman pajamas on and his matching blue cape flowing in his wake. He looks like a miniature Christopher Reeve with the same piercing blue eyes and curly black hair. My son, the super hero. He wraps his arms around my neck from the side of the couch and I heave him into my lap.
“Love you,” I coo into his hair.
“You’re squishin’ me,” he complains but remains in my tight grip.
I release him from my chest, just a little. Jack pushes up and lays a loud lip-smacking kiss on my mouth.
“Love you, too.” Then he dives from my lap into Kieran’s always waiting arms.
Clare enters the room with tear-stained cheeks and an overnight bag in her hand. She looks so happy it makes me feel even wo
rse. I’ve had my head planted in my own ass for the last two months, hurting the people I love.
“Bye, Grandma.”
“Bye, sweet boy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Mommy.”
“Bye, Baby.”
Kieran offers me a chin lift and then carries our son out the door. As soon as it shuts I run to my room, throw myself on the bed and weep like a little kid. I cry for the guilt, the pain, the hurt, the happiness, but mostly for the love I have that I never thought I’d experience again. When there are no tears left to cry, I fall asleep dreaming of a stick figure family living happily ever after.
Kieran
There’s a soft knock on the back door as Jack and I put the finishing touches on our biggest Lego creation to date.
“I’ll get it,” I say through a grunt, standing up. I sound like my father.
I open the door to find Quinn standing there, nervous as hell, holding Ashling on her hip.
“Where’s her car seat?” I ask, taking the baby and chomping down on her fat, soft cheeks. Ash squeals, giggles and spits all over me as I do it.
“She outgrew it. Had to buy a new one that stays in the car,” Quinn explains, making no move to come in the house.
“You comin’ in?” I ask, stepping back to clear the way for her. She glances over her shoulder and I do the same to find a guy sitting in the passenger’s seat of the SUV. I can’t tell who it is from here with the glare of the sun, but it’s definitely a man. I wasn’t expecting that. I school my features and wait for her to turn back around.
“I have plans this afternoon. I thought I’d leave the kids here with you and then come get ’em when I’m done,” she says sheepishly.
“Okay,” I lie. I don’t give a shit about having the kids. If I could keep them here permanently, I would. Her driving off with some dude without me and the kids makes me want to hurt something, badly.
She reaches her hand out and rubs the baby’s back before turning on her heel and leaving. She doesn’t just leave, she runs. As she drives off I see her usual tail of Ronan and Cormack following closely behind. I haven’t ever asked them to give me updates on her, but fuck if I’m not battling that at this moment.
Shrouded in Blackness Page 25