‘Are you guys partners?’ one of them asked me when he saw me watching Josh swimming on the night of the party. I suppose to a trained western eye, at least, it must have been obvious.
‘Yes.’
‘Fine couple, bud.’ That’s the only time I ever heard anyone comment on us as a couple.
I have photographs of the time that we all spent together, which the Australians gave to us when they left and, despite my dislike of the quick fix of photography, I have kept them; one of them I really treasure – it is of Josh and me after we had been playing volleyball with the others on the beach. I have got it with me now. We are standing next to the volleyball net, both bare chested, Josh with his T-shirt slung over his shoulder and his other arm behind my head with two fingers pointing up like ears above my head – donkey ears, perhaps, in tribute to Tom. Josh has this beaming smile on his face, as I do. The Australians called us the ‘golden boys’ and we were. They were good days.
After the party we also had to complete the rest of the rooms but that didn’t take long and, by about March 2006, the place was fully operational and humming. By the following Christmas (2006) the hotel had become a success and, although it was hard work, it was that hard work together with Raja’s skill as a cook and hotelier that gave him a way to live with what had happened to him, to live with his own suffering.
As Raja found his way forward, so the four of us became even closer to each other. Sitting down and talking things through with Raja was often not possible due to the demands of running a hotel, however talking while busy in the kitchen or clearing up in the evening was not only possible, it also meant that we could combine talk with activity which made it somehow easier to say what we each wanted. As time went on, Raja let Josh and me more and more into his world and opened his heart to Sunil, the nephew whom he grew to love and who, undoubtedly, grew to love and respect him.
During that first year our work at the camp became increasingly less in demand as the camp became more structured and established. By the time Josh joined me there in November most of the volunteers, like Ben, had returned to their home countries and the families became more settled in their so-called temporary homes. Therefore, after the hotel opened, life for us began to settle into something of a routine where we spent most of our time in Unawatuna although we knew, and Raja knew, that we would not stay indefinitely.
That, then, is our good friend Raja. Battered and bruised by the terrible events of his life but handsome, proud and strong. On what note do I want to end this passage about Raja? C’est un homme qui est un chef extraordinaire de homard de Raja, au lait de coco et aux épices de l’île. Now, Raja my friend, who has the final word on that one?
CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
Well, that was the wonderful life that I lived. But, it didn’t last, did it? Nothing ever does. Everything is temporary except for God. I’ve learnt that, too. And so I have paused again for a day in my writing to think about that also, now that I have cleared my mind of so much of the past. I have had my hair cut. I went to the park and sat under the banyan tree and people-watched. Then I went to a shop and bought a sarong and a shirt before coming back here to this dingy room and changing out of Josh’s clothes. I then walked back to the park, found a bin and put Josh’s clothes in them. They are temporary too. It hurts me too much to write anything else about that but I know that it is something I had to do. So that is now me. As I look in the mirror, that is Simon Greenwood. Dressed for the operation but free from everything except for one thing.
Before I can find peace again I know that I have to revisit what happened to Josh and release his death. Until I have done that I have no chance of ever laying him to rest and I will never rest myself. So, I have to round off this story now, I know. I know that I have spun it out long enough already but nobody is going to read it so I am not going to rush to end it.
I suppose that I need to begin with a conversation that Josh and I had on the night of 3 December 2006, a year after the hotel opened. Because of what happened it is a date that I will never forget.
I had noticed Josh watching me that afternoon as I was playing with Sunil on the beach and when I had caught his eye he didn’t give his usual smile, just a half-hearted twitch of recognition. I’d mouthed ‘You OK?’ and he had nodded and turned away to carry on clearing up the bar area. There was far too much going on that day for us to speak properly until much later but it had been obvious since his birthday, eighteen days before, that he had something on his mind.
When it came, it started off about visas but then developed very quickly from there. We both knew that our visas would be running out in the following year but had never spoken head-on about what we were going to do when they did. Josh came in that night from tidying up in the hotel kitchen and couldn’t settle.
‘What’s up?’ I started in the time-honoured way.
‘Sorry. Did I wake you?’
‘No. No, I was awake. Don’t worry. But what’s wrong?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Josh, you’re tossing and turning. Something’s going on. I could tell that this afternoon when I was with Sunil.’
‘Yeah…It’s just that you looked so very happy. I love watching you both play.’ It was obvious that there was more to it than that.
‘Just messing about. But that’s not the point, is it? You’ve got something on your mind – I’ve sensed it since your birthday. You’re going to have to spit it out, Josh.’ We had put on a special dinner for his birthday and had celebrated it with some of the guests but Josh had seemed quiet and withdrawn.
‘I’m just worried about what we are going to do next year.’
‘As in…?’
‘As in, what are we going to do about our visas? It’s only a few months until mine runs out.’
‘Well, do you want to see if we can extend them?’
‘We could, I suppose. But for how long and what if we can’t? Where do you and I go then? Is that what we both want?’
‘I really don’t mind what we do, so long as we are together.’
‘It’s not as simple as that. Don’t you see?’
‘Well, for me it is. It is the one thing that does matter.’
‘Are you sure you really mean that?’
‘You know I am.’
‘But it just isn’t that simple. Simon, are we making a life…a home for ourselves together and, if so, where? That’s the point. That’s what I was thinking about this afternoon as I watched you and it scares me.’
‘Josh, I have thought about it a lot, too. You do know what I want.’ He could tell that I was getting scared as well.
‘Simon, I don’t mean to scare you. I just need to talk about it.’ It was a pattern of behaviour that we both recognised. When the heat was on, Josh talked and I disappeared into my thoughts.
‘Don’t disappear on me, Simon.’ He also knew the pattern all too well and reached across the bed, taking hold of my left hand.
‘I’m trying not to. I know we’ve got to sort this out. Neither of us could stay living on this beach and working in Raja’s hotel forever. I suppose I’ve just been frightened about where this might all lead.’
‘That’s why we need to talk about it. You see, this afternoon I kept asking myself how I could think of suggesting that we move on from here when I could see how happy you are?’
‘Josh, I know that we can’t stay here even if we could sort out the visas. We’ve got to let Sunil and Raja find their own way forward now. We’ve played Mary Poppins for long enough now and we need to make a life for ourselves. I do understand that. It is what I want, too.’
‘Yes but can you move on? Or are the past two years always going to be the golden years, the ones you look back on and wish had never changed.’
‘We both need to help each other with that Josh – are you going to feel the same?’
‘I would cope with moving on; I’m not sure you would. I’m worried that you will think of me as the person who took you away from all t
his.’
‘You know I couldn’t be without you. This is about choice.’ I lay back down on my side and put my right arm around him, burying my face into his shoulder and cupping the left side of his face with my hand, stroking his hair with my fingers.
He didn’t react to my touch and just said, ‘Yes, but until we know where we are going...until we have discussed this, we don’t know what that choice is.’
‘Josh, this is getting really serious and I don’t want to cock it up. Before this goes any further, there are things that I need to say and I want to make sure I get it right. I am going to take a walk, by myself if that is OK. I need to clear my head. I won’t be long. Do you mind?’ It was a technique I had learnt with Josh – otherwise our words tended to snowball and this was not the time for that.
‘If that is what it takes, no, of course not. I am sorry to have dropped this all on you tonight.’
‘It needed to be said. I should have had the courage to raise it myself.’
I walked down to the edge of the sea and sat watching the waves. I must have stayed there for something like twenty minutes, who knows, that’s how long it felt. When I went back to the shack, Josh was lying on the bed looking at the roof. I lay down next to him.
‘I know what I want to say now. I want to begin by saying that I’m sorry; I’m so very sorry that it has taken a conversation like this to make me face facts. I have been hiding away from it, I can see. The next thing that I want to say is that I love you and could never be without you; if you think about what we have been through together you will understand why. So, whatever happens you have to understand that, from my point of view, whatever we do, we do together. I would not be able to carry on living without you – I need you to hear and accept that is so…’ Josh began to say something but I cut him off.
‘No, there is something else that I need to say before anything else is said. I don’t want to make my long-term home here. I don’t want to stay in Sri Lanka forever. In ten, twenty years’ time what would we be like? Sunil will be grown up and Raja won’t want us hanging around here forever. The beach life is fun and we have had some very good times but it is not a long-term thing. I’m 44 now and you are 41, we both need more than this. I want to make a fresh life with you somewhere else. A life that will be ours. That is my choice and is not something that you have forced on me.’
‘I’ve been trying to think what we would do if you had said you wanted to stay here. Simon I would do it, it’s just…’ he was stumbling, probably because I was being so direct.
‘Josh, when we move on from here, I am sure that I will look back on the past two years as golden years. I hope that you will, too. They have been years when we found love together, when I, at least, found a way out of despair, when we found faith. Two years when we have lived in this beautiful setting, when we have seen Sunil and Raja grow away from the terrible things that have happened to them. But things change and we can’t keep living and re-living the past two years. I want to be able to carry on developing, I want to keep on learning with you and from you. If we choose, there will be many more golden years for us both. It will be up to us and we must trust each other. We have the chance to move on now and, if we don’t take it, I am sure that, before long, I would resent this place.’
Josh said nothing. He turned towards me on the bed and put his hands on either side of my face. Then he looked up and kissed my forehead.
‘Simon, can we both stop panicking now.’ He could read me like a book. I closed my eyes. ‘Simon, open your eyes. I want you to look at me.’ I did as he asked but he still held my head with both of his hands. ‘Simon, I love you and will never leave you. Do you believe me?’
‘Yes.’ He had cut across all the words I had used and had seen exactly what I was desperate to hear him say.
‘No Simon. I really need you to say that you believe me.’
‘Josh, I don’t deserve you. I never have done. But I do believe you even though you will have to understand that I will never know why you feel that way,’ I said that and a whole lot more besides.
‘Well I do know why I feel this way, Simon, and that is not going to change. I knew it from when we first met. Trust me.’
‘Then you must also trust me and my commitment to you. When I say that I could not live without you they are not just words Josh. I think you know that.’
‘I want to ask you a favour, Simon. I want us to hold each other as tightly as we can.’ He smiled at me properly then and then we did just that – Josh had a very powerful embrace. And then he stroked my hair as I buried my head under his chin, telling me over and over again that he loved me as I unbuttoned his shirt and kissed his chest.
‘We better save that till later. I think we need to finish this conversation off first,’ Josh said, ‘…let’s go for a walk. Time to see what Priscilla thinks.’
We got up and walked in silence, hand in hand (it was dark), down the beach to where Priscilla was rocking away, as ever, all by herself. We sat down resting our backs against her branches as we had done many times before.
‘Do you remember when we first sat here nearly two years ago? It seems like a lifetime has passed since then,’ I said.
‘Where would we both be now if we hadn’t met?’
‘I would like to put in the first bid of where we should live, if that’s OK, at least to start off with.’ Having started to sort things out I was keen to get down to business. ‘I thought Sweden.’
‘Why Sweden?’ But I could tell that he had thought of that too.
‘Because it is where you come from. Because I want to be as close to you as I can be, to be like you.’
‘Sounds like something out of a song for kiddies.’ For the first few minutes after he had lit a joint he tended to get like that.
‘I mean it. But I’m not sure how you would feel about it.’
‘Well, it’s a bit close to home for me.’
‘I understand that. It’s just an idea.’
‘You’ve never been to Sweden.’
‘There are lots of places that I have never been to. But Sweden can’t be that bad, can it? Well, except it did produce you, I suppose.’
It was his turn to be serious. ‘But different language, climate, culture. Living on my home patch where you don’t know anyone. Another completely new beginning for you. Would you cope?’
‘With your help yes. You coped when you came here.’
‘That was different. This isn’t your home country.’
‘No, but it was a complete change to your way of life. Wherever we go will be a big change for both of us and I think we need to make it as easy as we can. We could try making Sweden our home and, if it didn’t work out, we could always move. It’s leaving here that will be the big deal for us both. Sweden is a big place and it is also in the EU – no visas, no hassle. Just the two of us. I’ve thought about it a lot.’
‘Well, let’s both really think about it. We could go almost anywhere.’
‘We could and we don’t need to stay in one place for the rest of our lives. But, if it is OK with you, Sweden did seem to me to tick a load of boxes and I can’t see why we should go somewhere that neither of us knows.’
‘We don’t have to rush into making a decision. I want to think about whether it is best for you, too.’
‘Fine, but I want you to hear this please because I have thought about it a lot. Living in your country, being guided by you into a new way of life would make me extremely happy. For myself, I think that it’s the best chance we have of ensuring that the golden years continue. Just promise me that, whatever we do decide, it will be together.’
He promised. And he meant it. I know that, not least because of what followed. He showed me. In tears, laughter, words and action as we planned our way forward for the rest of that night. Painstakingly and for hours. We didn’t make any final decisions. We just discussed things in a way that was long overdue.
‘Simon, can we both promise each other one more thing,’
Josh said when we eventually lay quietly in the early hours of the morning back at the shack. ‘We’ll never doubt each other again. We have to trust each other if we are going to do this. This conversation has just shown how easy it is to let things slide and we can’t do that.’
‘I promise. Will you give me the same promise?’
‘I will.’
‘Now, pass me that joint.’
I smiled. Must have been from ear to ear. I took a long drag and said: ‘It feels like exchanging marriage vows.’
‘What’s wrong with that? Feels good to me.’
‘If we lived in Sweden we could register our partnership. I’ve done my research.’ Registered partnerships have been permitted in Sweden since 1 January 1995.
‘Impressive. And, they may well allow same sex marriages soon. I’ve done my research too.’
‘Sounds good to me.’
It felt pretty much like we were married from that point onwards; things seemed different, we’d cleared the air. Writing about all this has let me see just how much had gone on in the first two years after we met and, I suppose, this was catch up time. That’s why I will never forget the date. We even bought rings for each other from a jeweller in Hospital Street next time we went to Galle, the only adornment Josh ever wore and the one thing that I am keeping and will wear to my death. Quaint? Yes, that too.
I also made a feeble attempt at writing down what I felt about our future. I am not sure why I am including it, but I’ll do so all the same. That’s even more quaint, I realise, but it took me a long time to write even though it is a bit sickly sweet. I am not going to include what Josh wrote back. That belongs to me alone.
May God protect us both
I was lost in the woods when you came to find me
You stretched out your hand and you showed me the way.
You guided me here, through the sands of a desert,
to a meadow of flowers where long grasses sway
The Water Is Warm Page 32