She failed to lure me out, though, and I pulled the blanket over my head and went to sleep.
NO-FAULT PROCEEDINGS
APRIL 7
I woke suddenly. My brain was spinning and I was starving. I grabbed Shulky’s most revealing purple shorty-shorts, black leather bikini top, silver fingerless gloves, and purple boots from the closet. I didn’t have a clear plan in mind, but I transformed with a satisfying shiver and She-Hulk took the elevator down to the private entrance.
She used the tunnels to get to her favorite all-night food truck, then ran as fast as she could to the children’s hospice. The amazed night nurse let her in and gave her directions to Jordy’s room.
Shulky tapped on the door before slipping inside, and delicious aromas wafted from the paper bag she carried.
Jordy’s bed was on the far side of the room, by the windows. She pulled the privacy curtain around it and sat on a visitor’s chair, crossing one divinely long leg over the other.
“Jordy!” she whispered. “Jordy!”
The teen opened his eyes. He took a second to focus on her.
“God, please don’t let me wake up from this dream!” he said.
She took a cardboard box out of the bag, flipped open the cover, and picked out a French fry. Then she chomped it down and said, “Yummy! I’m both a dream of a girl and real, all six-feet-seven-inches. Are you hungry?” She reached over to stroke his forehead. His skin was feverishly warm.
He clutched her hand. “Shulky, you’re really here! How did you…”
“Big E passed a message to my friend, Jenny Walters. She was here the other day for story time.”
“That weird geeky girl?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.” Shulky grinned. “Do you want some nacho fries? They’re like nachos, but with French fries instead of chips, and Filipino barbecue beef.”
He frowned. “I had my dinner like hours ago.”
“Then you must be hungry again. It’s the most genius meal in this part of the galaxy, and quite possibly the entire universe.” She passed a cardboard container to him.
He took a bite of the cheesy fries, and his face lit up. “Oh, my god!”
“Right?” she said. “I hope whoever invented this doesn’t use his powers for evil instead of for good, because I’d be helpless.”
As they noshed, he said, “Will you tell me some stories?”
“Jordy, I bet you’ve heard all my stories. Tell me some of yours. Tell me what you’re going do when you break out of this place.”
His expression became serious. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen. When I pretend I’m sleeping, I hear the docs talking about me. They only give me six months to live, tops.”
Shulky twirled a French fry and grinned wickedly. “You want to know how many times I’ve been told I’m going to die? All the frickin’ time. Dr. Doom says it to me every time he sees me.” She opened and closed her hand, mimicking a mouth. “ ‘She-Hulk, the time has come for you to bid farewell to your reckless and vulgar existence, yadda yadda yadda!’ ”
Jordy laughed. “Dr. Doom didn’t really say yadda yadda yadda!”
“Maybe not, but I kind of zone out when he talks because he keeps going on about how he’s going to kill me and how my resistance is futile against his greater will and intelligence. The thing about Victor von Dumb is that he’s toxically bitter and he desperately needs to vent, so he describes in boring detail his scheme to control the world that done him wrong just because his face is hideous. And I’m like, ‘Dude, seriously?’ Meanwhile, I’m figuring out a way to smash his stupid head in and foil his sinister plot. He never learns, and he always comes back for another beat-down, which I am pleased to give his whiney ass.”
“Maybe he’s got a crush on you,” Jordy said, and started laughing so hard he coughed.
Shulky handed him a glass of water. “We’re talking about me again. Tell me what you want to do when you get better.”
“Computer stuff. Not ruling-the-world computer stuff, but hacking for our government, keeping us safe.”
“The Avengers always need good hackers. It’s a continual game of one-upmanship, trying to create unbreakable encryptions and also trying to crack them.”
“That’s what I like to do! I like puzzling them out and making twistier puzzles,” he said. “I wouldn’t be a dweeb or anything. I’d have slick suits and travel everywhere and be cool, like Big E.”
In a show of loyalty, Shulky said, “There are different kinds of cool, a whole spectrum of it. My friend Jennifer’s totally cool, but in a quiet, nerdy, charmingly awkward way. Where would you like to go?”
Jordy mentioned exotic locations and international hot spots. She’d been to some of them, so she gave him tips on her favorite beaches, favorite ski slopes, favorite active volcanos, and favorite gelato stands. He reached to the shelf for his laptop and said, “Can I interview you about your adventures?”
“Sure,” she said. “Get set up and I’ll tell you about the time I was standing in for the Thing with the Fantastic Four and got stuck on an artificial planet.”
They talked and laughed, and when she heard the night nurse down the hall, Shulky said, “Say, Jordy, have you ever thought about suspended animation?”
“You mean like until a cure gets found for my condition?”
She nodded. “Yeah, like that.”
“No way. I hear that it feels horrible, like ants taking apart every cell of your body and trying to put them together again, and what if someone forgot to wake me up? Or woke me up a hundred years from now and everyone I know is dead and the world is ruled by evil unicorns or something.”
“The last evil unicorns left Earth during Prohibition. They’re major boozers and mean drunks. Okay, so suspended animation is out. What about a cyborg body?”
He shook his head. “Nah, I want to feel things. I don’t care what people say about cyborg synapses; they’re not at the same level as a human’s, and don’t ask me if I want a brain transplant. I don’t want any body but my body, except healthy.”
She grinned and said, “Thought I’d run a few things by you, but I see you’ve considered them.”
“I have—but I know you’re a brainiac, so it’s good to have you thinking, too. We’ll figure something out, right?”
“Right!”
The nurse tapped on the door and said, “Time for Jordan to get some rest, Miss She-Hulk.”
“May I hug Jordy good-bye?” Shulky asked.
“Only if you don’t crush him. Let me remove his IV.”
Shulky lifted the teen from his bed very gently and twirled around with him in her arms.
“Can we go up on the roof?” he asked, and Shulky said, “If it’s okay.”
The nurse nodded, and Shulky bundled a blanket around the boy and carried him up onto the roof. She was aware of the frailness of the arms circling her neck.
“I want to go out there,” Jordy said, looking up into the night sky. “I want to see a new planet—even an artificial one—at least once.”
“Jordy, you hold tight to that dream. The astral plane where spirits live is beautiful, but there’s no need for you to rush there,” she said. “The one thing I’ve learned is that life isn’t simple and linear. You never know where it bends, folds, or gets in a tangle, so I always keep my balance and try to ride out the waves, dude.”
He repeated the phrase, and then she said, “Time for me to say good night.”
She carried him back to his room, set him on the bed, and then kissed his cheek.
“I’m not ever gonna forget this night, Shulky.”
“I won’t forget you either, Jordy. Sweet dreams.”
It was times like these that I forgave her for every crazy exasperating thing she did, which is why I didn’t complain when she decided to toilet paper Karl Lagerfeld’s penthouse and use shaving cream to write “More is More is More!” on all of his windows. While he had guests inside. At least Nicole thought it was funny, but Aussies always got Shulky
’s humor.
APRIL 9
The Fritz Colleagues-with-Benefits countdown looms. I have six days to give him my decision. On one hand, I like him and he’s got a trim, firm, athlete’s body. On the other hand, still no zings! If I had a third hand, like some of my clients, there’s also the fact it has been a very long time since I’ve dated had romantic relations had sex. The reason friends-with-benefits doesn’t work is because someone always wants more time together. But Fritz and I spent our days together already. Efficiency is a strong selling point.
Ellis’s sister called me at the office and said, “Hi, Jenny, I know you’re terribly busy, but the kids have been asking if you’ll be here tomorrow.”
“Hi, Kate. I am terribly busy…” I said, which was usually enough for most people, but she was undeterred.
“I know you’re caught up in the ReplaceMax case,” she said. “It’s just that the kids don’t understand adult deadlines. They live for the moment, and the moment is all many of them have. If you can spare an hour… Oh, and Jordan, the older boy, really wants to see you again. He wants to thank you for telling She-Hulk about him. He said that was a really cool thing to do.”
“She enjoyed meeting him.” I looked at my crowded calendar and saw a break between depos. “I’m sure Ellis will do a great job with the kids.”
“He will, but they liked you. I know things were a little awkward before, when he showed up so late, but he’s usually very responsible. Maybe you weren’t aware of that. I mean, if that was what’s keeping you from coming back.”
“No, of course not. I’ll try to make it.”
“That’s great! See you tomorrow.”
Here’s how my brain translated that conversation:
KQ: Hi, Jenny, I’m aware of your obligations, but I think you should come to story time.
ME: I cannot ignore my obligations for your whims even if your brother wasn’t going to be at story time.
KQ: You can endure some time with Ellis for the kids’ sake, and what did you expect when you had a drunken hookup with a rocker?
ME: Although it meant nothing to him, it was a significant and meaningful encounter for me. Also, he’s as weirded out to be around me as I am to be around him. It’s weirdness squared.
KQ: You’re paranoid. He’s no longer an irresponsible player, and he has a deep and unshakeable relationship with Amber, who is perfect and sings like a choir of angels and was editor of the Yale Law Review, as well as being America’s most accomplished toddler. You should grow up.
ME: I am so over your stoopid brother, and I will prove it by going to story time.
KQ: I’m overjoyed that you have succumbed to my cheap manipulation and I’ll see you then!
I stared at the phone as if it had been an accomplice in betraying me.
After settling into my paperwork, I had almost quelled my Ellis anxiety when I heard an ominous tap-tap-tap, like Poe’s raven, on the glass wall of my office. I looked up with a sense of foreboding and saw Ellis standing there, looking exactly like a guy who’d perfected the art of steamy sexual congress in the tight confines of muscle cars.
He’d seen me, so it was too late to hide under my desk. I raked through my hair with my fingers, wishing I’d had a trim, and waved him in.
He entered and closed the door behind him, and I became terrified that he would proposition me. Because I didn’t know if I could resist his overwhelming virile allure.
“Hi… [significant pause] Jennifer.”
“Hello, Ellis. Nice to see you again.” I tried to sound clipped and efficient. I was a renowned attorney! I never very rarely only occasionally had carnal relations with men at the office. And I never ever have carnal relations with engaged men.
I could see Donner at his station, with his typewriter/computer, pretending not to watch.
“I was in the building…” Significant pause with a meaningful look that made me want to confess to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby, committing the Black Dahlia murder, and shoplifting a grape-flavored Chapstick from a gas station minimart when I was ten. “Actually, I wasn’t in the building. I came here to thank you for asking She-Hulk to visit Jordy. He’s been on cloud nine all week.”
I fought the urge to throw myself at his feet and plead for mercy from his overwhelming hunkiness. “Shulky likes kids. Well, she likes most kids in theory, but she said she liked Jordy in person.” Why had I used “theory”? Would he think I was referring to the band? Was my subconscious creating its own subtext? Agh! He shrugged his big hunky shoulders. Or brawny. He had that old-timey kind of manly build, that let me carry that for you little lady appeal. He said, “I didn’t think you’d do a favor for a jackass.”
My face went hot, and other parts of me did other things. “The favor was for Jordy, not for you.”
“Good point,” he said, and the corner of his mouth lifted. “Since She-Hulk visited, Jordy’s interacting more. He laughs and talks. He’s hopeful.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
Instead of leaving, Ellis dropped into the visitor’s chair, and my anxiety, already on ten, cranked up to eleven. He looked around the room. “Nice office.”
“It isn’t my artwork. I think I’m supposed to order some, but I really can’t tell what’s good and what’s not.”
“Amber collects postmodern pieces. She has a very discerning eye. You can ask her for advice.”
“This is fine.” I sat up, and I inhaled deeply, needing oxygen. I saw his glance travel down to my bosom. That shows how anxious I was—I was thinking with my grandmother’s vocabulary. Did he think I was trying to show off my boobs? “Um, artwork doesn’t really matter to me.”
“Really? [Significant pause.] So many people move here because of the arts.”
“What I meant to say is that I’m more interested in the performing arts. I follow opera and theater,” I said, thinking of the Three Tenors and Wicked. “Also, literature. It was wonderful reading The Once and Future King to the kids. I must have read it half a dozen times when I was young.”
“I always thought of it as a boys’ story.”
“Girls are interested in magic and sword fights, too.”
“I didn’t mean it as a criticism. I’m just trying to [significant pause] figure you out.”
We stared at each other. My throat became dry, and I had that panicky feeling I get sometimes right before Shulky emerges. But I didn’t feel her anywhere inside. I said, “Sorry, most men assume that all we want is to be the fairy princess.”
“Lots of girls do want to be the fairy princess. [Pause.] But I never took you for that type. [Excruciating pause.] I’m sorry. I’m presuming to know you better than I… do. You, of course, know me from my songs, right?”
Which songs did he mean—the songs I knew before I met him, the Gin Cycle songs, or his entire discography? I had to swallow in order to speak clearly. “Ellis, I feel that we have not effectively established a mutually satisfactory association. Is it possible we can be, um, cordial to each other the way we would be if we had just met and you were my coworker’s fiancé and I was your father’s top attorney?”
He grinned in a way that made me all woogly inside and said, “Top attorney, huh? I won’t tell Amber you said that.”
We shared a smile and then he said, “I hope you can make it tomorrow. Kate and the kids thought you were great.” He stood, seeming to take a long time to get to his full height. “Good-bye [long pause], Jen.”
“Bye, Ellis.”
He nodded and left the room, and I realized that he hadn’t answered my question about starting fresh.
BILL OF PARTICULARS
APRIL 10
It is eight weeks since I began my Valentine’s Day Resolutions. I had intended to create an Excel spreadsheet to track my goals with a complex system to tally points. However, I always advise my clients, “If you find yourself doing busywork—tasks that serve no real purpose—feel no obligation to continue them. Aim for efficiency.” So I’m giving up the tallies and
nitpicky updates.
I have hit a roadblock that is shaped a lot like Ellis Tesla. I am supposed to be looking for an apartment. I am supposed to be attending cultural events. I am supposed to be focusing on Sven Morigi, the ridiculously good-looking future love of my life. I am supposed to give Fritz an answer about the sex thing.
I am not supposed to be hiding in my work again (even though it’s super-important) and listening to every Fringe Theory song looking for secret meanings in the lyrics that I never found all the other times I obsessively listened to their songs, especially the perplexing “Forged in Fire.”
I asked, you gave
You asked, I craved
We melded hot and fluid
Like metals in a scorching furnace
An amalgam strong and burnished
By our grasps and grabs, pushes and tugs.
But it was the Arctic freezing
And then the mischief pulling
That shattered us into a thousand shards.
I didn’t know love could be so hard.
I’ve read dozens of reviews of that song, many with scientific analyses that said it was a commentary on a possible shift of magnetic polarities, but I always thought it meant something else. I have no idea what, although that isn’t the reason I took a little more time to get ready to go to the hospice. I took more time because I thought I should look nice for the kids.
I arrived at the hospice’s community room just as Ellis finished reading a chapter. When he saw me, he looked surprised, and then he smiled.
“Look who’s here, kids—it’s Jenny, and she’s going to help us with our art projects, right, Jenny?”
“I sure am,” I said, and went to the front of the room. I hoped that children weren’t like dogs and couldn’t sense fear.
Jordy waved to me from his wheelchair. “Hi, Jenny!” he said, and the kids called out to me, too.
“Jenny, do you have any project ideas?” Ellis asked.
The She-Hulk Diaries Page 22