Before I could leave the bedroom, my phone rang.
“Hello.”
“Nickey. You know who this is?”
“Of course. Nobody calls me Nickey but my baby brother,” I said.
“How you doing, sweetheart?”
“I’m good. What about you?”
“Well, I’ve been better,” Michael said in a distressed tone.
“What’s the matter, Michael?”
“I need to ask a favor. I’ve run into some hard times and I need to borrow some money before I get evicted.”
“What about your job? Mama told me you had a great job.”
“Don’t tell Mama, but I got laid off.”
“Why not tell her?”
“You know her, she’ll worry about nothing.”
“Is it nothing, Michael?”
“Yes, Nickey, I’ll be fine if you help me out this time.”
“How much do you need?”
“Fifteen hundred.”
“Fifteen hundred. Michael, that’s a lot of money.”
“I know, Nickey, but I promise to pay you back once I get back on my feet.”
“Well, let me see what I can do. Let me make sure I have your address. I’ll send it next-day mail.”
“Can you send it Western Union first thing in the morning?”
“Western Union. Well, okay sure. You have ID, don’t you?”
“Yes. If you got a major credit card you can do it right now,” Michael suggested.
“You need it that quickly?”
“Yes, big sis. I do,” Michael said sadly.
“Okay, give me a couple of hours. If you don’t hear from me then, you’ll know I did it. Is your phone number still the same?”
“Yes. Thanks, baby. Now, please, promise me you won’t say anything to Mama.”
“I won’t. You take care of yourself.”
“I will. I love you, Nickey,” Michael said.
“Yes, I love you too, baby.”
When I hung up the phone I grabbed my purse, pulled my Visa from my wallet, and called information to get the number for Western Union. While I was waiting for an answer I wondered if Michael was telling me the truth and what had happened to all the money he’d got from Daddy’s insurance policy and why he didn’t want me to mention this to Mama. Lord knows she had spent her life spoiling Michael. Their relationship was always much closer than the one I shared with her. I was just happy he wasn’t in any kind of trouble. Or at least I prayed he wasn’t in any kind of trouble.
I finished the transaction for Michael. The moment I walked into the living room, Kyle started squealing with delight as he waved both hands in the air and pranced a little jig. Delaney put her long fingers to her chin and walked around me, nodding with approval.
“You go, girl,” Kyle said.
“Girl, they can tell the rest of those divas to stay at home. Here is our Miss Anita,” Delaney said. “What took you so long? I guess it takes extra time to get in a dress like that.”
“No, girl. It takes no time. I had an important phone call.”
“Who? Pierce?” Delaney asked.
“No, my little brother. Needed to borrow some money,” I said.
“Is he all right?” Kyle asked.
“I think so.”
“Oh, Nicole. This is going to be it,” Kyle said, changing the subject. “I can see your name on the marquee right above the title. I wonder who they’re going to get to play Clarence?” Kyle questioned.
“I love your faith in me. But I haven’t got the part yet. What if they’ve already cast it?” I muttered.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Delaney said.
“Yes, Miss Thing, no man in his right mind would turn you down if he sees you in this dress,” Kyle said.
“You two are so crazy. Thanks a million for being my friends,” I said as my eyes began to mist. Kyle and Delaney came over and the three of us hugged each other. I briefly closed my eyes to keep the tears of joy inside. As I opened them I spotted a thin slice of streetlight that entered the living room from the open window. I felt Kyle’s and Delaney’s hands gently massage my neck and I thought how blessed I truly was. Silently, I mouthed a prayer of thanks.
Five
“Free Leona Helmsley headquarters,” the familiar voice on the other end of the phone said.
“Kyle?” I quizzed.
“Ray, what’s going on, chile?”
“What did you say when you answered the phone?”
“Free Leona,” he laughed.
“You’re one sick puppy,” I said.
“But that’s why you love me so.”
“Where have you been? I’ve been calling all night.”
“Can I please have a life? I’ve been up at Nicole’s place.”
“How is she doing? Did you give her my message?”
“Gorgeous as ever and no I didn’t because this white man is helping her career. She’d be a fool to let him go when she doesn’t have to fuck him,” Kyle admonished.
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, he’s loaded. Nicole has an audition for a Broadway musical he’s backing. She’s gonna play Anita Hill.”
“Anita Hill? You’re shitting me. They’re making a musical out of that?”
“And you know it. White folks ain’t gonna never let us forget that mess.”
Kyle and I talked about Nicole for a few more minutes and how this might really be her big break. The last time I had any direct contact with Nicole was on her opening night a couple of years ago. I was going to show up and surprise her but I chickened out at the last minute and just sent one hundred roses, something I’d done often during our courtship. She called me late that night when I was asleep to thank me. At least I think she called. It could have been a dream.
When I talked to Kyle, I could sometimes hear the faint sounds of the city in the background. I pictured him sitting on the windowsill or floor of my old New York apartment. It was during these conversations that I so missed New York.
“So what have you been up to since you got back?”
“Same old stuff. Out there beating the pavement,” Kyle said.
“Any good leads?”
“Yes, everything is fine. Actually I’ve got more work than I can handle.”
“How’s your love life? Any new men?”
“What love life? What men?”
“Now don’t tell me you haven’t been meeting some new men,” I said.
“Ray, I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired of niggers and all their shit. I long for a date where I don’t have to hide my wallet and watch. What about you? How’s Jared?”
“I didn’t tell him, Kyle.”
“What are you waiting on?” Kyle asked.
“I don’t know. I’m really scared Jared is either going to be upset or that he already has a lover.”
“Well, you won’t know until you confront the issue, Ray. Act like you’re in court and he’s under cross-examination. Besides, if he has a lover, don’t you think you’d know?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I said.
“What else is new?” Kyle joked.
I shared with Kyle Jared’s welcome home surprise and what a magical evening it had been. I also told him about Gilliam’s invitation and asked him what I should do if she came on to me.
“Well, you might have to fuck her,” Kyle said. “But I think that’s sexual harassment,” he teased.
“Come on, Kyle, this is serious. Maybe it’s all innocent.”
“Ray, you need to get some. I don’t care from who, male or female. I think all that semen has backed up in your brain.”
“Now I release myself, by myself,” I defended.
“Ray, listen to me. This is what you do. Invite Jared to your place. Cook a fabulous dinner for two, have lots and lots of champagne, and then look him in the eyes with those killer eyes of yours and say, ‘Jared, I’m a punk.’ He’ll understand that,” Kyle laid out.
�
��Why did I call you?”
“ ’Cause you knew I’d tell you the truth.”
“Oh, before I forget, I got a card and picture of JJ, Bernard, and Christopher,” I said.
“I got one too. Doesn’t she look wonderfully happy? Christopher is going to be a killer,” Kyle said.
“Yep. It seems like only yesterday when the three of us were in my apartment and JJ told us she was pregnant,” I recalled.
Janelle, or JJ as she preferred, was the female member of my New York trio. She’d played an important part in the development of my feeling totally comfortable around a woman who was aware of my sexuality. But things had changed drastically in Janelle’s life. She’d married a former New York City bus driver and moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, with her husband Bernard. Her son Christopher was born shortly after.
“See? That’s what a good man will do for you. Miss Thing isn’t a fag hag anymore,” Kyle laughed.
“Hey, you want to call her? I’ve got three-way calling,” I said.
“Yeah, let’s surprise her.”
“Hold on,” I said as I clicked my phone line over. I dialed JJ’s number and a few seconds later I heard the phone ringing. I then clicked back over to Kyle.
“Kyle, you there? It’s ringing,” I said.
“I’m here,” Kyle said.
“Hello,” the deep male voice said.
“Bernard?” I quizzed.
“Yes?”
“How you doing? This is Raymond Tyler and Kyle Benton,” I said.
“Hey, Bernard,” Kyle said.
“Hey, guys. What a nice surprise. How you two doing? How’s New York City? You guys keeping it safe for the rest of the world?”
“That’s Kyle’s job. I live in Atlanta,” I said.
“Oh yeah. I forgot, Ray. Janelle told me that. Why haven’t you visited us living so close by?”
“I’m going to do that real soon, Bernard, I promise. Where’s your wife?”
“Downstairs in the laundry room. I’ll get her. Good talking to you two,” Bernard said.
“Same here, Bernard,” I said.
“Yeah, me too,” Kyle added.
While we were waiting for JJ to come to the phone Kyle commented on how sexy Bernard’s voice sounded.
“Chile, Bernard’s voice got my juices flowing. Can you imagine Miss JJ washing dirty diapers?” he joked.
“Hello, you two divas from hell,” JJ’s sweet-sounding voice said.
“Divas you’re the one!” Kyle said.
“Hey, Janelle. How’s it going?” I asked.
“I’m doing great. What about you two?”
“Can’t complain,” I said.
“I can, but Ray’s paying for this call and we don’t have enough time,” Kyle said.
Janelle told us about her busy life in North Carolina, informing us that she was now working on her master’s in child psychology at Johnson C. Smith University. She spoke proudly of Christopher and what a great and gifted child he was and of how she and Bernard were talking about having another child when Christopher reached four. Bernard was running his father’s garage and their sex life was better than ever.
“It doesn’t get much better than this,” JJ said.
“Bitch, I hate you,” Kyle said. “You are evil and must be destroyed,” he joked.
“JJ, I’m really happy for you,” I said.
“So you two still single?” JJ asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Me too,” Kyle said. “But I haven’t given up. I ride the bus every chance I get looking for my Bernard. Now that was the 190 wasn’t it?”
“Queen, please be quiet. It was the 103. Ray, when are you coming to visit?” Janelle asked.
“Well, Kyle says he’s coming to Atlanta Labor Day. Maybe we’ll drive up then,” I said.
“Yes, we should do that,” Kyle said.
“That would be great. We’re adding a room to the house and it will be finished by then,” JJ said.
“That sounds great,” I said.
“So you sure you two are doing all right?” JJ quizzed.
“I’m doing okay,” I said.
“Yeah, me too, but sometimes I don’t know if I should shoot myself or go bowling,” Kyle joked.
“Well, kids, my other child is calling. This has been fun. I can’t tell you how much I miss you two,” JJ said.
“Yeah, I miss you too,” I said.
“Me too,” Kyle said.
“I love you, Raymond. I love you, Kyle,” JJ said.
“I love you, JJ. Give Christopher a hug,” I said.
“What is this, the colored Waltons?” Kyle said.
“I see he hasn’t changed a bit,” JJ said. “You guys take care.”
“We will. Kyle, hang on the line. Bye, JJ,” I said.
“I love you, JJ,” Kyle said.
“You better. Bye, stay sweet and be safe,” JJ said as she disconnected from our three-way conversation. When she hung up the sound of Kyle’s voice changed to a depressed tone. “Ray, you still there?” he asked.
“Yes, buddy. I’m still here. Janelle sounds so happy.”
“Yeah.” Kyle sighed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Ray, do you think our lives will ever be that happy?” Kyle asked with a melancholy edge in his voice.
“Yeah, buddy. One day. One day very soon,” I assured him.
“You promise?” Kyle asked with the innocent voice of a child.
“I promise.”
Six
I was nervous about my audition and upset with Pierce’s beeper suggestion. The combination led me to Dr. Huntley’s office for the second time during the week. Thank God she’d had a cancellation.
“He wants me to wear a beeper.”
“A beeper? Who, Nicole?”
“Pierce and he is dead serious,” I said.
“How does that make you feel?” Dr. Huntley asked.
“Like a possession.”
“A possession?”
“Yes, like the time he paraded me in front of his family and friends and kept commenting on how much I looked like Diahann Carroll.”
“That bothered you?”
“At first I was flattered but then …”
“Then?”
“Well, a couple of days later I was talking to my mother, telling her about meeting Pierce’s parents, and I told her what he said. My mother pointed out I was darker than her.”
“But that was your mother,” Dr. Huntley observed.
“Yes, I don’t think Pierce means anything by it. Maybe it’s a white thing.”
“A white thing. How so?”
“You know, being in control.”
“How does saying you look like Diahann Carroll mean he’s looking for control?”
“Well, sometimes he makes strong suggestions on what I should wear when I’m meeting friends of his.”
“What about what your mother said?”
“Oh, that’s just the way she is.”
Dr. Huntley didn’t respond. This was one of those times when her eyes spoke for her. It was so quiet I heard someone running upstairs in Dr. Huntley’s brownstone. I wondered if it was one of her children.
“Doesn’t that sound racist?” I asked.
“What?”
“Pierce and control. How a lot of people think white men always have to be in control no matter what,” I said.
“Does it?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“Well, you haven’t brought the race issue up when it comes to your relationship with Pierce. You only seem to bring it up when talking about other black people,” Dr. Huntley observed.
“I don’t understand, Dr. Huntley. What are you talking about?”
“Well, you always mention the color of your black friends, using terms like light, black, brown …”
“Yes, I guess I do.”
“Do you have any idea why?”
“No.”
Dr. Huntley
didn’t say anything. She started to move from side to side in her chair, looking directly at me with an unreadable expression.
“Maybe it goes back to my childhood. I don’t know if I told you but my brother is very light-skinned. I’m sorry, there I go again. Well, anyhow, whenever my brother really wanted to make me mad he would call me black thing and when he really wanted to get me he would say blue black.”
“What would you do?”
“I’d cry.”
“Why?”
“Because sometimes words hurt.”
“It still doesn’t explain why you never bring up race when talking or dealing with Pierce.”
“Well, we both know it’s there. It being the difference in our color and religion but I think ignoring it means it will never be an issue in our relationship.”
“How would you respond if a black man suggested you carry a beeper? What if Raymond had asked you?”
“Raymond would never do that.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure. If he asked me, I’d ask why and we would discuss it.”
“Did you ask Pierce?”
“No, not really.”
“I think you should, but I still don’t think it will answer why you both seem to be avoiding the race issue. It’s something to think about.”
“Well, why bring it up if it hasn’t been a problem?”
“That’s one way of dealing with it,” Dr. Huntley said as she picked her watch up from the desk.
My time was up.
The cool air conditioning in the empty theater caused a bit of concern for me. What if it affects my voice? I tried to take my mind off the cool air while going over the lyrics for the ballad I’d prepared for the audition. I should have scheduled Dr. Huntley for after the audition. All that talking was not good for the vocal cords.
This wasn’t a typical audition. With the exception of a few stagehands, backstage was totally empty. Most auditions I’d attended in the past included every black actress who was a member of SAG. Samantha had told me the producers had held open auditions for SAG and non-SAG actors for two days prior.
Just As I Am Page 6