Jared decided to spend the night since dawn was now only hours away. I decided not to tempt fate or myself, so I went to get sheets, pillows, and blankets from my linen closet for Jared to sleep on the sofa. Jared and I had, however, slept in the same bed before without incident. I was so touched by Jared’s openness and even more so because I had not told him the truth about me. I was going to wait until later in the day when suddenly the vodka impelled me to tell Jared the truth.
“Jared, when I told you about Kyle possibly having AIDS why didn’t you ask me if he was gay?”
“Because it doesn’t matter to me,” Jared said.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, Ray. Why, is Kyle gay?”
“Would it matter to you if I was gay or bisexual?”
“Are you?”
Jared’s eyes met mine. The silence in the room was thick. A moment of indecision came over me.
“Yeah, Jared, I am,” I said slowly.
“Well, that’s cool,” Jared said. His voice came out as a slow whisper.
“Is that all?” I asked adding bass in my voice. “Cool?”
“What am I supposed to say? That I knew? Well, I didn’t. Never thought about it. That I’m gay or bisexual too? Well, I’m not. But I am your friend, your brother, and I love you with everything that’s in me. That’s all that matters. That’s all that will ever matter,” Jared said as he looked at me thoughtfully, his voice back to its normal volume.
“Aren’t you worried about guilt by association?”
“Guilt?”
“You know.”
“Have you molested any little children?”
“No.”
“Forced anyone to have sex with you against their will?”
“No.”
“Like I said, guilt?”
I stood in the doorway of my bedroom staring at Jared, listening to the power in his voice as he played lawyer. I shivered slightly, as if something calm and miraculous had been whisked through my body. For the first time a man besides my pops or Kyle had told me he loved me and I believed him with everything that was Raymond Winston Tyler, Jr.
I started to walk into my bedroom when Jared yelled out, “Hey, boy?”
“Yeah?” I said as I turned to face Jared’s smiling face.
“So is that why I’ve got to sleep on this hard-ass sofa?”
“You sure you want to sleep in here with me?”
“I’ve done it before. What’s different about tonight?”
“Nothing I guess.”
“You guess?”
“Nothing.”
“Damn straight. So what up?”
“Come on, boy. There’s room for you in here,” I said.
I went straight to Mico’s desk once I arrived in my office Monday morning.
“Mico, I need to see Gilliam first thing this morning. Can you arrange that?” I asked.
“Sure, Ray. As a matter of fact, Gilliam asked me to put you on her schedule first thing this morning,” Mico said.
I walked into my office and stared out the picture window without removing my suit jacket. Over coffee, Jared had convinced me I should at least go to New York to see Kyle and I knew he was right. I had to find out for myself. If Kyle was sick I would know if I saw him in person. We had reached a point in our friendship where Kyle couldn’t lie to me face to face and vice versa. I would go to New York and ask him point blank if he had AIDS.
I hit my intercom button and asked Melanie to check on flights into New York or Newark and to get me a hotel for a couple of days in midtown Manhattan. Nicole had mentioned a hotel called the Paramount that was nice and reasonable so I told Melanie to check there first. After noting my requests, Melanie informed me Gilliam was ready to see me.
“Good morning, Raymond. How was your fraternity reunion?” Gilliam asked as I walked into her office.
“It was great, but I realized I’m getting old,” I said.
“Don’t mention it. My sorority is having a reunion in the spring and all I will say is that my reunion number is higher than yours,” she laughed. “Seems like only yesterday I was signing up for Jack and Jill.”
“You’re a Delta, right Gilliam?”
“Yes, a Delta Sigma Theta for life,” she said proudly.
“Gilliam, I have something I need to talk with you about,” I said.
“Okay. But don’t you want to hear my news first?” Gilliam asked.
“Sure. You’re the boss.”
“Well, Raymond. I’ve made no secret about how pleased I am with your work. I mean the way you handled that Henderson case was masterful. His own attorney told me what a jerk he is and said he would be forever in our debt. We both agreed what he did was horrible.… And I’ve told you of my desire to add another partner.”
“Yes, Gilliam. I knew you were looking,” I said.
“Well, are you interested?” Gilliam asked as she came from behind her desk and positioned herself directly in front of me.
“In being—I mean, being a partner?” I stuttered.
“Yes, Ray. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to make you a full partner in the firm immediately,” she said.
“Gilliam, yes … of course,” I agreed, forgetting for a moment what I’d come in to discuss with her.
“Great. Then let’s talk details,” Gilliam said as she walked back behind her desk.
“Gilliam, before we talk details, I have something I need to discuss with you. Not great timing, but I need to take some time off immediately. It might just be a couple of days but it could be longer. I have a close friend who might need my assistance and I have to leave for New York today.”
“Today?”
“Yes, and then I’ll be in a better position to discuss your offer.”
At first Gilliam looked a bit alarmed and apprehensive but when I explained about Kyle and the call from Nicole, she offered to give me a week to go to New York to find out what was going on. She said if I needed longer than that we might talk about a short leave of absence. She didn’t mention how this might affect my pending partnership.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Here I was in the midst of what should be one of the happiest days in my career and I wasn’t excited. All I could think of was Kyle and New York City.
Jared, who was now a deputy director for the Clinton for President campaign in Georgia, gave me a ride to the airport and assured me everything was going to be just fine. I gave him keys to my condo, car, and mailbox and he promised to look in on things every other day while I was away. He was really excited at the news of Gilliam’s offer and said, “When you get back we’ll celebrate Kyle’s good health and your new station in life.”
“You think Kyle is going to be all right?”
“Of course, he will be all right and if there are problems, we’ll deal with them.”
I was relieved I was leaving for New York with Jared solidly in my corner. It really didn’t matter to me anymore that he was heterosexual because I felt now we would have a much stronger relationship—purely platonic, but stronger. I’d always thought most straight men believed every gay man wanted to go to bed with them after a confession. I didn’t get the feeling Jared felt that way at all. In fact he seemed even more at ease, but it was still just less than twenty-four hours. I knew Jared still had lingering questions about my sexuality. That morning before we left for work, I asked Jared if there was anything he wanted to know. At first he said, “No,” but then he blurted out, “Ray, you don’t let them …” He paused.
“Let them what?” I asked.
“You know,” Jared said as he moved his index finger in and out of a circle he formed with his free hand.
“What are you asking me? Do I let them poke me?”
“Yeah, but you don’t have to answer that,” he responded shyly.
“Does it matter?”
“No!”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
I will never understand the cur
iosity straight folks have with who is doing who.
During the ride to the airport I told Jared what had happened between Nicole and myself and about the confession at the hospital. I wondered out loud why it took tragedy to get me to tell the truth to people I loved.
Just as Jared was getting ready to drop me off at the airport, he took his huge hands and gave me a powerful slap on my thighs. “Now don’t worry, buddy. I’m only a phone call away if you or Kyle need anything. Stay strong,” Jared said in a low, reassuring voice.
“I know, buddy. I know,” I repeated as I grabbed my garment bag from the backseat and headed toward the terminal gate. Before I entered the automatic doors I looked back and saw Jared waving, his killer smile in full effect.
I arrived at Newark Airport and took a taxi to the Paramount Hotel on Forty-sixth between Eighth and Broadway right across the street from JR’s, a bar I used to meet Nicole at while we were dating. From the street the bar looked crowded and lively. The Paramount was a European-style hotel with a beautiful art deco lobby and small, but stylish guest rooms. All the bellmen and desk clerks looked like New York models instead of hotel workers, dressed sharply in black suits with white cotton T-shirts.
I quickly checked into my room, dialed Kyle’s number, and got the answering machine. The answering machine bleeped out Kyle’s voice and the command: “You know what to do.” I didn’t leave a message. I looked into my briefcase and got the keys to my old apartment, which I had brought just in case there were any problems.
Although I was excited about seeing Kyle, I was also a bit nervous, so I passed on the taxi the doorman offered and decided to take the subway instead. Being on a New York subway would loosen me up or at least take my mind off what I was preparing to face.
The city looked cold and naked against a dark sky. I walked past JR’s and headed toward the Forty-second Street subway station. I could hear the subway sizzling underneath the busy streets. As I walked the sounds and scents of New York triggered so many images, manic moments Kyle and I had shared in this part of the city, moments that were now mere memories.
I could smell warm pizza toppings and burned dough and I watched men scurry in and out of the adult bookstores that lined Eighth Avenue. I smiled to myself at the recollection of Kyle and myself going into some of these same bookstores after the bars closed. I was a bit surprised that business still seemed to be booming in the age of AIDS.
The Number 1 train quivered to a stop at the busy station at Ninety-sixth and Broadway and I stepped out into a murky autumn evening on the Upper West Side. I’d made this stop so many times on the way to my high-rise apartment that still had my name on the lease. I walked into the building and it seemed as though nothing had changed. The lobby was sparkling clean and Grady was still at the door protecting the entry from unwanted guests.
“Grady,” I said as I smiled and gently embraced a man who had guarded me for years.
“Mr. Tyler. What a surprise. How have you been? It’s great seeing you,” he said as he patted me on my shoulders.
“I’ve been great. I’m living in Atlanta now. It’s really great seeing you,” I said.
“You here to see Mr. Benton?”
“Yes. How is he doing?” I asked, making it appear I already knew what Grady had to know.
“Not too good, Mr. Tyler. His mother came in today, but she just left about thirty minutes ago,” Grady said as he shook his head in dismay and gently brushed his thick gray mustache with his fingers.
“Grady, do me a favor. Don’t buzz Kyle. I’ve still got my key. I want to surprise him.”
“I don’t know, Mr. Tyler. Mr. Benton left specific instructions not to let anyone up, including those pretty ladies who used to come and visit him,” Grady said.
“Come on, Grady,” I said, and I gently placed a ten-dollar bill into the palm of his hand.
Grady looked at me, smiled, and looked absently around his station and the lobby as if he didn’t see me as I walked past his station and toward the elevators.
I walked slowly down the hallway to Kyle’s door. I slipped my key in the door to see if it still fit. I turned the key very slowly so I wouldn’t startle Kyle. I realized he didn’t have the safety latch on, so I slowly cracked the door and listened for signs of movement. The apartment seemed still. I then closed the door, took a deep breath, and rang the doorbell. I pushed the bell for about five minutes without response. I placed the key back in the door and opened it wide and this time stepped inside the apartment. The door made a loud creaking sound.
“Ma? You back already?” Kyle called from the bedroom.
“No, Kyle, it’s me, Ray,” I yelled as I closed the door and looked around the apartment.
“Bitch, what are you doing here?” Kyle yelled back.
I walked into Kyle’s bedroom where he was sitting up in his bed supported by many pillows.
“I heard you needed me,” I said as I looked at Kyle’s shocked face.
“So who told you?” he asked mournfully.
“Nicole.”
“Why can’t that damn diva mind her own business?” Kyle said as he looked toward the window.
“Well, I think she loves you, like I do,” I said. I felt tears filling my eyes as I looked at my dear friend. He seemed so frail and lifeless. His normally flawless brown face looked distressed. His forehead was covered with worry lines. The only thing that looked vaguely familiar was his eyes. This couldn’t be the same person I had seen in May in D.C. I felt my heart plunge to just above my toes. A shiver of fear ran down my spine. I hadn’t prepared myself for Kyle looking so bad.
“First rule. No tears … no hymn sanging,” Kyle said lightheartedly. “If you’re gonna cry then you have to leave here.”
“So what are you trying to tell me? That I have to grow up?”
“Yep, I think that’s it. Ole Kyle ain’t going to be around to teach you the ropes anymore.”
“Who am I going to grow old with?”
“There will be other people in your life. You’ll make new friends, but I’ll always be around.”
I walked over to Kyle’s bed and sat on the edge of it, just staring at him. I was silent, trying to absorb Kyle’s body and what he was saying. The dim light from one lamp was all that alleviated the darkness in Kyle’s cluttered bedroom. I firmly put my hands on the blankets covering his legs and they felt like bones through the fabric. Kyle just looked at me.
“So, what do you need me to do?”
“Well, there’s not much you can do. My mom came today, but I’m glad you’re here. How long are you here for?” When he spoke, his voice was soft and low.
“As long as you need me,” I said soberly.
“Okay. Just as long as you know the rules. I don’t need anybody to feel sorry for me. I’m ready whenever He is,” Kyle said as he looked upward and positioned himself against the headboard and pillows. He sounded like a general getting ready to go into battle. “So tell me, what’s going on in Atlanta?” Kyle asked. “Do you want a drink? Probably need one right about now, huh?”
“No, I’m fine.”
I told Kyle about Gilliam’s offer and tried to convince him how excited I was. I also told him the great love of my life was not going to be because he was straight. Kyle said that was okay and that I needed a good friend like Jared. He asked me about Basil and then said, “No, I don’t want to hear about that asshole.” I told him I agreed with him. I was going to go back to celibacy and concentrate on my career. Kyle just looked at me and shook his head and smiled. He told me his mother was going to stay with him for a couple of days. He said she was holding up well and he hoped they wouldn’t drive each other crazy. He told me I was more than welcome to stay with him, but I told him I already checked into a hotel.
“Chile, that’s one thing I can say about you. You’re forever grand,” Kyle chuckled.
Kyle went on to explain he had known of his condition for about three years. He’d found out he was HIV positive when he had checked into
rehab. Kyle kept talking, then closed his eyes for a few minutes, then opened them, and started talking as though nothing was different. Just two friends talking about old times.
“Kyle, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Kyle raised his eyes and stared at me for a moment. “I blocked it out. Long story short, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life dying.”
He then shut his eyes and tilted his head toward the ceiling, making it clear he saw no reason for further conversation. He was engaged in a battle to survive and part of that battle, the most important part, was always to preserve his strength.
I got up from the bed and moved closer to Kyle. I gently kissed his forehead and touched his hair, which felt baby soft. I went over to the nightstand and turned out the lamp. As I walked out of the bedroom Kyle suddenly called out, “Ray, please put on my Vanessa Williams CD when you leave. Put on ‘Save the Best for Last’ … track six.”
I nodded my head soberly. I located the CD, placed it in the carousel, pushed the play button, and walked out of the darkened apartment.
I sped past Grady with just a wave and walked out into a much colder night. As I stood on the corner of Ninety-sixth and Broadway hailing a taxi, I felt tears rolling down my face, but the cool, brisk wind quickly dried them on my skin. No tears and no hymn sanging.
Twenty-four
“Nicole?” his deep baritone voice said. How I loved his voice.
“Raymond?” I asked.
“Yes, Nicole, it’s me,” he said.
“Where are you?”
“I’m in New York. I’m staying at the Paramount Hotel,” he said.
Just As I Am Page 21