“Who is Miller?” Jared asked.
“Oh, that’s the kid I was telling you about with my fraternity,” I said.
“Oh yes, another guy called while I was there, but he didn’t want to leave a message. In fact he was really rude,” Jared said.
“Oh, I wonder who that could be?” I asked, knowing full well it was Basil
“Ray. I’ve got a plan. I’ll help you find Kyle’s father,” Jared said.
“What? How are you going to do that?” I questioned.
“Oh, I have plenty of connections through the Clinton staff and the congressman’s office. What’s his name?” Jared asked.
I gave Jared the information Kyle had shared with me. Jared asked if it was okay if he called Kyle if he had any more questions and I assured him Kyle would love to talk with him. While I listened to Jared talk about the places he planned to check, I thought about how I wished Jared could meet Kyle. But that would be impossible. Kyle was really self-conscious about his current physical appearance and allowed only close friends and family to see him.
When Jared was getting ready to say good night, he suggested I go out and get something to eat.
“Leave that hotel and go out and have yourself a nice dinner,” Jared said.
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” I said.
“Ray?”
“Yes.”
“Can I ask you something?” There was a serious tone in his voice and question.
“Sure, Jared. No more secrets,” I said.
“You’re okay, right? I mean you’ve been tested?”
“Yes, Jared, I’m fine. Just a little bit tired right now, but I’m going to follow your advice and get out of this room.”
“Can I ask you something else?” Jared’s tone remained serious.
“Sure, Jared. What?”
“I want to meet Kyle,” Jared said.
“You want to meet Kyle?”
“Yes. I’ll fly to New York when you say it’s okay,” Jared said. “You’ve talked about him so much and he really sounds like a special person. I’d like the chance to meet him.”
“I don’t know, Jared. Kyle’s not seeing a lot of people. It’s basically just been family and a few close friends,” I said.
“Will you ask him?”
I paused, pondering Jared’s question.
“Ray?”
“Yeah, I’m still here.”
“So, what do you think?”
“I think it’s a great idea. I’ll ask him.”
“Great! I’ve got to come up to D.C., for a meeting and I could fly to New York first.”
“Okay, I’ll let you know after I’ve talked with Kyle.”
“So you promise me you’ll go out and get something to eat and I’ll talk with you tomorrow,” Jared said.
“I will, my brother. Stay strong.”
When I hung up the phone, I stood in the middle of the hotel bedroom and just smiled to myself. Then I took my arms and folded them around my chest as if I was giving myself a hug. Jared’s questions and concern about Kyle were just the warm embrace I needed tonight.
I was on my way to the Village when I jumped into the taxi, but when we came to the corner of Forty-sixth and Broadway I suddenly changed my mind and instructed the cab driver to take me to Kyle’s instead. I wanted to see how he felt about meeting Jared and I wanted to share the news about Jared’s offer to search for his father.
I arrived at Kyle’s and took the stairs instead of the elevator. I reached his apartment a little bit out of breath. I rang the buzzer a couple of times, out of courtesy, and then slipped my key in the lock and went in.
“Kyle,” I called out. “It’s me.”
“Ray?” I heard Kyle call from the bedroom. “Don’t come in here,” he said faintly. But it was too late. I walked into Kyle’s bedroom and I saw the anxious look on his face and Kyle’s ailing body hooked up to a machine. He didn’t have on a shirt and his frail body was covered with large, purplish black spots. It was the first time I was face to face with AIDS and it looked horrible to me.
Kyle quickly reached for his robe, trying to cover himself up. “Get out of here!” he yelled. “What the fuck are you doing back here?”
“Kyle. I’m sorry,” I said as I walked toward him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with the machine close by.
“What’s this, Kyle? What’s going on?”
“It’s a part of my treatment,” he said shyly. “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
“Like what, Kyle?”
“Like this, Ray. Look at me!”
“You look fine, buddy,” I lied, my body numb from the shock of the sores covering Kyle’s body. I reached and helped him put on his robe and moved the contraption away from his bed. I looked at the bottle at the top of the strange-looking device and saw the word chemotherapy.
“Kyle, why didn’t you let me help you with this treatment?”
“I can do it myself. I can do it myself!” Kyle yelled. “I don’t need you for every damn thing. Why don’t you carry your yellow ass back to Atlanta?” he screamed.
I looked at Kyle and then I turned to face the window. If tears were forming in my eyes he must not see them. I could see our faint reflections in the window as a light drizzle was now falling from the gray sky. I bit down hard on my lips and looked outside at the streets, watching car headlights slice through the darkness. I silently counted five red cars from the window and then I turned and faced Kyle.
“Are you okay now? Are you glad you got that out?”
Kyle was positioned upright in his bed now with his robe and spread covering him up.
“Yes, I’m okay. Are you?” Kyle asked softly.
“I’m fine. I’ve got something I want to ask you.”
“What?”
“You feel like some company?”
“Company? Who? Not any of those kids from the bar.”
“Jared. He’s coming up to New York on business and he wants to meet you. He thinks he can find your father,” I said.
“You sure he wants to meet me?” Kyle asked.
“Yes, I think he needs to talk with you to help with the search,” I lied.
“Let me think about it. It will probably be okay,” Kyle said.
“Kyle?”
“Yes, Raymond.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, baby boy.”
Baby boy. He hadn’t called me that in years.
“Are you scared, Kyle?” I asked in as calm a voice as I could manage.
“No, baby. I’m not scared. I’m just tired,” Kyle said.
Kyle slowly shifted his body on the bed and lay there with his vulnerable brown eyes open and very still, looking at me with a gentle smile. A moment later he was asleep.
I walked into the living room and gazed out of the window. I could see storm clouds building in the gray sky and I prayed a powerful rain would fall. Since I couldn’t cry, maybe the sky would.
Twenty-six
Almost every other day I received a package from Victoria’s Secret or Bloomingdale’s, courtesy of Kyle’s generosity. I didn’t feel quite right accepting the gifts, but Delaney said it made him feel good so I didn’t say anything. If I didn’t really love the gifts so much I probably would have given the stuff to a homeless shelter, so to make myself feel a little better about my good fortune I packed up a box of old clothes and donated them to the Salvation Army.
Delaney and I spent as much time with Kyle as he or Raymond would allow. He was watching over Kyle like a high-priced bodyguard.
Whenever we talked, it was about Kyle, because I didn’t dare delve into his private life. I wondered if he was dating somebody in Atlanta and, if so, how he—or she—felt about his being away. I overheard Ray and Kyle mention a guy named Jared, so I assumed that’s whom he was seeing. Knowing Raymond, I thought he probably had a woman on the side also.
Raymond was always polite but distant to Delaney and me; he always smiled with his usua
l courtesy and gave me a soap-opera-type kiss on the cheek.
Delaney didn’t talk a lot about Kyle’s illness. I presumed this was the first time someone close to her had been this sick. She didn’t have much to say about Raymond either. When I asked her what she thought of him, she replied, “He’s okay if you like that butch, pretty-boy type.” I hadn’t talked with Pierce since the night I tried to give him back the ring. I didn’t want to admit it, but I missed the attention. Since Pierce wasn’t around, Delaney and I spent more time together. We got our nails done, caught a movie matinee, and spent days shopping in midtown. At one sample sale we each ended up buying Kyle pajamas, mine were white linen and Delaney’s navy blue silk with white trimming. We’d rushed over to the apartment with our presents and were each clamoring for him to try ours on first when he calmly asked us to wait in the living room. When he called us back we found him wearing the top to the pajamas I bought and the bottom to Delaney’s pair. We all had a good laugh.
Whenever I went to Kyle’s I’d say a silent prayer as I entered the building and try to think of happy times. Kyle had a rule about no sad time, and definitely no tears. This was hard for me, because I seemed to cry all the time. I cried when I was happy, when I was sad, and sometimes when I realized how blessed I was. So, whenever I felt tears coming on I quickly excused myself and went to another room until the sadness passed.
When Candance died, I didn’t know a lot about AIDS. It hit her so hard and quick that there was little time for me to get AIDS educated. But with Kyle, I tried to find out as much as I could about the type of cancer he had and its treatment. I was always persistent about Kyle taking his medications. I also noticed the different attitudes people had about the disease. When Candance died I received a lot of sympathy and compassion from my family and close friends. But when I shared Kyle’s illness with the same close friends and family, namely my mother, the sympathy wasn’t there once they found out he was gay. The assumption seemed to be that he was getting what he deserved. No one deserved this.
I tried on occasion to talk with Kyle about giving his life to the Lord, but he only bristled and said, “I’ve got that under control. I have a prayer cloth from Reverend Ike,” he’d joke. Sometimes he let me read Bible scriptures to him, but mostly he wanted to hear inspirational poems by Maya Angelou or Langston Hughes. I ordered him a subscription of the Daily Word and he thanked me, but I doubt if he ever read it.
His mother, Peaches, seemed to be religious. She often quoted Scripture whenever she got a little tipsy, which was quite often. I think she drank a lot to cover up her pain and to give the appearance of being strong and in control. Whenever she came to New York she encouraged me to read the Bible to Kyle and when he protested she said, “Then read it to me, Nicole, read it to me.”
I questioned Kyle about whether or not he’d practiced safe sex—I couldn’t recall him every having a shortage of suitors, even though he never seemed serious about any of them—and he assured me he had for years. I knew other gay men and it seemed they too had short-term relationships but so did a lot of the black women I knew. Gay men were always breaking up with someone and starting new relationships right away. I guess it was even more difficult for them than it was for black women to find permanent mates. And the specter of AIDS probably didn’t help any.
It was a bright fall day and there was a slight chill in the air, but all of the Upper West Side was bathed in a clear soft sunlight. I stopped at a bakery to get a couple of muffins and cookies for Kyle before heading to his apartment.
I was pleased Grady was no longer lying to me and was allowing me to go right up to Kyle’s apartment. Whenever I came to the door I took a deep breath because I never knew who was going to answer the door. Today it was Raymond.
“Raymond. How is Kyle? How are you doing?” I asked as we performed our normal fake smile and cheek kiss. Or was he faking it? Maybe I was just being a bitch. I would never classify Raymond as a fake. Maybe awkward was a better word to describe our greeting.
“Oh, he’s doing okay. How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I responded as I headed toward Kyle’s bedroom, avoiding Ray’s eyes.
“Hey, Miss Thingamajig. Come on in here,” Kyle said. He was sitting up in bed and sewing something.
“How are you doing, baby?” I asked as I kissed Kyle on his forehead.
“I’m doing good. What’s the 4-1-1 and where is Delaney?” he asked.
“She has an audition, but she will be up later,” I said.
“Did you talk to Ray?”
“Oh, we spoke,” I said quietly.
“Chile. What is wrong with you two? Y’all act like you don’t even know each other,” Kyle chided.
“Oh no, it’s not like that. It’s just when I come up here, I come to see you. Oh, I have some news for you,” I said, trying to change the subject.
“What?” Kyle asked with excitement in his voice.
“I broke up with Pierce,” I said.
“You did what? When, chirl?”
“Early in the week. But he won’t take the ring back,” I added.
“Chile, then don’t push him. That big rock will make a nice little necklace,” Kyle said.
“No, I’m going to give it back to him,” I said.
“Miss Thang, don’t be no fool. Keep the ring. You’ve earned it, darling.” Kyle said. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m doing fine.”
“Kyle?” Raymond said as he walked into the room. He startled me.
“Yeah, Ray?”
“I’m going to the store. Do you need anything?”
“Naw, I’m fine,” Kyle said.
“Nicole, can I get you something?” Raymond asked.
“No, Raymond, thanks for asking,” I said politely.
“Okay. How long are you going to be here?” Raymond asked.
Before I could answer Kyle giggled and said, “I, at least, plan to be here until you get back.”
“I’m glad, Kyle, but I was talking to the beautiful lady,” Raymond said, flashing that killer smile.
I didn’t say anything, I just stared at him. He had on a bleached-out sweatshirt and torn jeans. I didn’t ever recall him being so unkempt.
“Well, Miss Nicole, answer the man,” Kyle said, looking at me.
“Oh, Ray, I’ll be here when you get back,” I said.
“Okay. Great,” he said, and turned toward the doorway.
“Raymond,” I called out.
“Yes, Nicole?” He lowered his voice in a seductive tone.
“Well, I was wondering … I mean, would you like to come see the show the next time I go on? I mean, I could get you tickets,” I said.
He raised his eyebrows and stared at me for a moment. The silence in the room was loud. I could hear my heart beating fast. What was he waiting for? I was getting ready to take back the invitation when he finally spoke.
“Sure, Nicole. I would love that,” he said. His smile was warm and reassuring, as if he realized how hard it was for me to invite him to the play. I wondered if he recalled my inviting him to Dreamgirls so many years ago?
As Raymond walked out of the room, Kyle looked at me, smiled, leaned over, and whispered in my ears, “You go, girl.”
I was slightly startled when I walked out of the stage door and almost bumped into Raymond. I was busy putting my scarf in place around my jacket collar when he called out my name. “Raymond,” I said, looking directly at him with a surprised look. His face was relaxed and friendly. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, I needed to talk with you about Kyle’s party. Do you have plans? Could we maybe go and have a late supper?” he asked.
“Sure. I don’t have plans. I was just going to catch a taxi home. How is JR’s?”
“Sounds great,” Raymond said as he helped me tuck in my scarf. I felt his hands gently touch the back of my neck. Some of the female cast members stopped in their tracks as they came out of the theater and saw me with him.
“D
id you see the show?” I asked as we started walking toward Eighth Avenue and JR’s.
“No, I just walked up here from the hotel. I want to wait to see you in it,” he smiled.
As we walked silently down the busy streets, I took in the sounds of the city. The night air felt cool on my face, but my body was warm and tingling.
Raymond pushed open the huge walnut door with one hand and a waitress promptly greeted us and offered a table in the corner near the jukebox.
“So what do you feel like?” Raymond asked.
“Well, I’m not really hungry. I think I’ll just have some fries and a salad,” I said, looking over the mini daily menu that was on the table.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this place,” Raymond said as he looked around the restaurant.
“Yeah. It’s always been one of my favorite places.”
The waitress came over and took our drink orders. Raymond got up and walked over to the nearby jukebox. He was dressed neatly, in black pants and a creamy beige polo sweater. This was the type of attire I was used to seeing him in. He reached into his pocket, dropped some coins in the box, pushed several buttons, and then returned to his seat facing me. Smiling, he said, “It’s good seeing you, Nicole. You’re still one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”
“Thanks, Raymond. It’s good seeing you. Kyle is very lucky to have a friend like you.” I blushed.
“No, I’m the lucky one.”
“So how are you really handling it?” I quizzed.
“It’s hard to say. I don’t think it’s really hit me. Besides it’s not about me and how I feel. This is about Kyle and how he feels,” Raymond said as he circled his fingers around the top of the water glass. I noticed a thin gold chain gleaming alongside his gold watch. “I’m trying to do everything possible to make his life happy,” he added.
After ordering our food, we began to talk about the party. Raymond, always very orderly, went over the things he had in mind. He wanted to make sure all Kyle’s family members could make it and told me he was hoping his friend could find Kyle’s father. We decided to have the party in the game room in Kyle’s building. Ray wanted to have it at the Paramount Hotel, but since Kyle’s energy level changed from day to day, we agreed it would be better to have it at the apartment building. He asked me if there was anyone special that I want to invite and when I said no, he asked me about the person I was engaged to.
Just As I Am Page 24