by Rachel Hanna
Tanner rolled to the side and pulled me in close, my rear end snuggled against him. We forgot about dinner which sat cold on the stove and fell asleep in each other’s arms. I was home. I felt peace for the first time in years.
Chapter 17
“Shannon, wake up… I think your cell phone is ringing,” Tanner said lightly shaking my shoulder. He was right. My ringtone was a catchy little jazz tune, and it was loud enough to wake anyone up. I jumped up, fully aware that I was still stark naked and grabbed my phone from his dresser. I didn’t recognize the number, but I did see that it was just after 2am.
“Hello?” I said doing my best to sound awake, but then realizing I shouldn’t be awake at 2am.
“Mrs. Harris?” a man said on the other end of the phone.
For a moment, I shuddered at the sound of my own name. HARRIS. As in John Harris’s wife. I had to do something about that soon.
“Yes, this is Shannon,” I responded.
“Ma’m, my name is Officer Barnes. Do you have a daughter named Courtney?” he asked.
For a moment, I figured Courtney had gotten into some kind of trouble on her first night at college.
“Officer, has my daughter been arrested or something?” I asked. Tanner sat bolt upright in the bed with a look of concern washed across his face. I could just see him in the light of the moon coming through the window.
“No. I am sorry to tell you that she has been rushed to the hospital, Mrs. Harris. There was an accident… You need to come to the hospital in Athens…” Before he could finish his sentence, I had dropped my phone and dropped to my knees. Tanner ran over, grabbed the phone and finished talking to the officer. He ended the call and pulled me up again.
“Shannon, it’s going to be okay. I’m here. Let me get you dressed and we will leave. Shannon, stay with me…” he said trying to get me to look him in the eyes. I was almost in a trance, unable to breathe. Then I realized that I was a mother and there was no time to waste. I finally started to breathe again, and we quickly dressed and ran outside to Tanner’s truck.
The ride was quiet. I didn’t cry or talk much. I just stared ahead at the lights on passing cars. How could life change so quickly? How could I have just been making love to this man of my dreams and now my daughter was injured and in the hospital. What kind of accident had happened? Was she going to live? Was she going to be okay? Would Tanner stick around to help me through it?
We arrived at the hospital a little over an hour later. There were police officers mulling about in the emergency room. I ran to the admissions desk.
“I am Courtney Harris’s mother. You have to tell me where she is. I want to know where she is and if she is okay and…” I started screaming and yelling. Tanner put his arms around me from behind to calm me.
“Mrs. Harris?” A doctor appeared from around the corner. His face was full of gloom as he approached. I felt the air being sucked from my lungs before he even got there.
“Tanner…” I said, reaching behind me asking for support. “Yes, I am Shannon Harris.”
“I am Dr. Greenwell. Please come with me into this room right over here…” he pointed to the patient consultation room. I remember that room. That is the room where they give bad news. That is the room where they take families to tell them things that will forever change their lives.
“No, no, no… I don’t want to go in there…” I said pushing backward against Tanner with tears running down my face. “Please don’t tell me I need to go in there…” I pleaded with the doctor.
“Shannon, honey, come on…” Tanner said quietly as he pulled me into the room.
We sat down on a small sofa while the doctor took the chair. He looked at me, took off his glasses and said the words no mother ever wants to hear. “We did all we could.”
“What? I don’t understand… Where is my daughter? There must be some mistake! You have the wrong Courtney!” I yelled trying to get up and run into the hall to find her myself.
“Mrs. Harris…”
“Don’t call me that! My name is Shannon!” I screamed through my tears.
“Shannon, your daughter was hit by a drunk driver tonight as she was walking down the sidewalk. She was pronounced dead on the scene, but paramedics tried all the way here to revive her…”
“So she was already dead when I got the phone call?” I asked, incredulous that they did not tell me on the phone.
“We like to tell people in person so we can help them through such a rough time…” he said.
“A rough time? Are you kidding me? Where is the bastard that hit her?” I continued screaming and grieving for my daughter.
“He was taken to jail…” the doctor said looking down at the file as if Courtney was just a number.
“Where is she?” I asked through a cold stare and a tear stained face. My emotions were worn out.
“She is in a room if you would like to see her. But I have to warn you that the damage was pretty severe,” he said.
“I have to see her… she’s my baby…” The sobs returned and overtook my body. Tanner held me up as best he could. The doctor said he would send a nurse in to get us in a few minutes and left us alone in the room.
“Shannon, I am so sorry,” Tanner said, his own face stained with tears.
“This is all my fault…” I said between sobs.
“No, honey, how is this your fault?”
“I am her mother. I should have been with her tonight. It was her first night at college, but instead I was having sex with a man I just met. What kind of a slut does that? John was right about me all along. I should be punished for being stupid and selfish and…”
“No, Shannon! This isn’t your fault! With John’s death and the tornado and everything else, you were just overwhelmed. You needed someone, and I wanted to be him…” Tanner said wiping tears off my cheeks.
“This is over, Tanner. I will never be able to do this. I am sorry to have led you on. I will never forget being wrapped in your arms, naked, while my daughter lay dead on the side of the road,” I said standing up and looking away. Tanner started to stand up when the nurse came in to get me.
Tanner followed behind, but I turned around and said “No. Family only. Please go home. I will call my sister and deal with this. Please just let me go.”
With that, the door slammed and I went to say my goodbyes to my beautiful Courtney.
Chapter 18
The next week was a whirlwind that I will never be able to erase from my mind. We had a big turnout at Courtney’s funeral with all of her high school friends coming to pay their respects. It was emotionally draining. I didn’t have time to think about Tanner or how I had been so mean to him.
I still believed Courtney’s death was my fault, but he didn’t deserve to be talked to like that. I realized that Tanner didn’t even have my phone number, so there was no way to call. I could totally slip out of his life without a way for him to find me. And I had.
I wondered if he was as devastated as me. Had I fallen in love with him already? How was that possible? And how could I care now that my baby had left me too? I never felt so utterly and helplessly alone.
“Hey, sis, how are you feeling this morning?” Denise asked as she patted my shoulder. I had decided to stay with her and Dan until I could figure out a way to get back on my feet. Denise was very close to Courtney and had taken her death just as hard as I had.
“Sad, angry, frustrated… The hearing for that bastard DUI driver is today. And I am going,” I said resolutely.
“Shannon, do you think that is a good idea? It’s only going to upset you and it won’t bring Court back,” Denise whispered patting me on my shoulder.
“I need to do this. I really do. Plus, I need to go by the house to pick up what is left of my things. I had some baby pictures of Courtney that were saved in the tornado, and I want to get them,” I said.
“And see Tanner?”
“Hopefully he isn’t there…” I said lying through my teeth. I wanted t
o see him. I wanted him to hold me. But how could I continue a relationship that distracted me from my daughter?
A couple of hours later, I found myself on the courthouse steps waiting to enter the building where the DUI driver who killed my daughter would be. My heart was pounding and my knees were shaking at the thought of seeing him. Would I scream at him? Would I want to shake him, kill him? I walked up the steps and into the lobby. My heels clicked on the marble floor as I walked toward to the room where he was to be arraigned.
The guard checked my purse, and allowed me into the room. The attorneys hadn’t entered yet, and the suspect was not there. A few rows over from me was a woman who looked to be in her 40’s. She was crying and sitting alone. I had never seen so much sadness in one person even though I had just lost my only child.
I’m not sure why, but I got up and went to sit with her. She looked at me, tears streaming down her face.
“Are you alright?” I asked quietly.
“No. Not really. My son is being arraigned today,” she said through a sob. I realized this was the DUI driver’s mother sitting there. I didn’t tell her who I was yet.
“What did he do, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“He was driving drunk. He ran off the road and killed a young college student who was just starting her life. I wonder how I failed as a parent? I wonder why he made such poor choices? I wonder how that mother is feeling knowing that her precious daughter is gone because of my son? I feel guilty crying for him because at least he is still alive…” she continued sobbing.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Allison Watts,” she said. “And yours?”
“My name is Shannon Harris… my daughter is Courtney,” I confessed looking down at my hands. As angry as I was about my daughter’s death, I felt compassion for this mother who was devastated that her son had killed another person and was likely going to prison for a long time. His life would be ruined because of a stupid decision.
“Oh, my God… I didn’t know you were her mother and here I sit crying for myself and my son. I am so sorry!” Allison burst into tears again and hugged me around the neck tightly. She sobbed into my ear and kept saying she was sorry. After a few moments, we separated and I looked at her.
“I don’t blame you. I know this isn’t your fault…” I started.
“Justin was a good kid. He just got off track when he went to college. Partying… I don’t know what to say,” her eyes searched mine as if they were pleading for mercy… for answers.
“I have to go,” I said quietly. “Look, I came here for vengeance against your son. I came here to see him get what he deserves. But, the truth is that nothing will bring Courtney back. The courts will decide how he will be punished, and he should be punished. But, I don’t need to see it. I truly wish you well, Allison. I hope that you find peace and that Justin learns this lesson,” I squeezed her hand, stood up and left the courtroom.
It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I had wanted to take my anger out on someone. Anger over Courtney’s death, but also anger over what John had done all of those years. Anger that Courtney didn’t have a real father’s love. Anger that my life was in shambles, and the only good thing - Tanner - was gone because of my fear. And my guilt.
I walked outside and felt the hot late summer air hit my skin. I ached for Courtney and mourned who she would have become. Unable to go further, I sat down on the steps in front of the courthouse.
“Shannon?” I heard a familiar voice. It was Lucy, a long-time legal secretary from John’s office.
“Lucy? What in the world are you doing here?” I asked.
“Well,” she said sitting down next to me, “I heard about Courtney. I am so sorry Phil and I couldn’t attend her funeral. We were out of town seeing Phil’s parents in St. Louis. I know you must be devastated…” she said, with a tear welling in her eye. “I heard they were arraigning the driver today, so I just drove out here… I’m not even sure why. I just remember little Courtney coming into the office as a girl. Long blond ringlets in her hair… an angel, she was…” Lucy trailed off into stories about the cute things Courtney had done. But, all I heard was “blond ringlets”. Even if Tanner and I could not be together, the least I could do was help him find Emmy. And Lucy was just the tool I needed.
Chapter 19
Lucy and I sat on the courthouse steps for 20 minutes talking about John, Courtney and everything that had happened in the last few weeks.
“Geez, Shannon, you have to be exhausted. Is there anything I can do?” Lucy had always been the one shining light in John’s office. While everyone else was cold and fairly heartless, Lucy was always smiling. She seemed to have a good marriage and was an adoring mother to her three small children. Shannon felt sure that she could tug at Lucy’s heartstrings as a mother and get that file for Tanner.
“Actually, Lucy, there is something you can do for me,” I said quietly.
“Anything, you name it.”
“I’m not so sure that you will be happy you said that when I tell you what it is,” I said staring into her deep green eyes.
“Okay… You don’t want me to rob a bank or something, do you?” Lucy giggled with a concerned look on her face.
“Nothing that severe…” I said with a smile. “But, first, I have to swear you to secrecy…” I whispered looking around.
“I won’t tell anyone, Shannon. I just want to help…”
For the next few minutes, I recounted the story of how John tried to basically blackmail Tanner. How his beautiful little girl had blond ringlets and was probably missing her Daddy. How Parker was continuing John’s reign of terror.
Lucy sat back on the step in stunned silence. You could tell she was replaying my words over and over in her mind. I let her think for a moment before I spoke.
“Lucy?” I prodded. “Will you do it for me?”
“So you want me to rummage through John’s old files and Parker’s desk to look for this file? For your new friend?” she asked.
“Well, yes. I want to help him. I want to do the right thing, Lucy. I want to right John’s wrong,” I explained.
“But I could lose my job, Shannon, and I have three kids to feed…” Lucy said as she stood up to walk away from me. I followed her down the stairs and to the sidewalk in front of her car.
“Lucy, would you have saved Courtney if you could have?” I called to her. She swung around with a look of confusion and sadness in her eyes.
“Of course I would have, Shannon!” she said sharply.
“Then help me save this little girl with blond ringlets who has been stolen away from the father who adores her. Help me fix this situation. I can’t bring Courtney back, but I can damn sure bring Emmy back to Tanner…” I said putting my hands on her shoulders. “Please, Lucy. I need something good to happen right now…” At this point, a tear was running down my cheek.
Lucy stared at me for a moment and then spoke.
“Okay. I’ll do it. Parker is going out of town tomorrow for a business trip. I’ll do it then. Let’s just hope he still has the file. Give me your cell phone number…” she said. We exchanged numbers and she left. I prayed that she would follow through on her promise and that I would be able to find Emmy for Tanner. At least one of us should have our daughter.
I drove another hour toward the house, but it was getting close to lunch and I was starving. I decided to drive into town to grab a bite to eat before making my way to the farm. I was putting off seeing Tanner because I didn’t know how I really felt about the whole situation. Was he angry at me? Had he moved out himself? Would he try to talk me into staying?
As I drove into town, I saw the diner that Tanner’s mom owned. I decided to drop in there and have a sandwich. As soon as I walked in, Claire walked quickly to where I was standing and threw her arms around my neck.
“Oh, Shannon, I heard about your daughter, honey. I am so sorry. You must be devastated… Come sit down, sweetie…” she pulled my arm
over to the booth in the corner where Tanner and I sat for lunch that day.
Her kindness brought me to tears. She had a very big heart, and her son was a lot like her.
“Thank you, Claire. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I miss her so much,” I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. “And I miss Tanner,” I said without thinking. I wasn’t even sure where it came from.
“He misses you too, Shannon. He told me what happened at the hospital…” she said.
“I was awful to him, Claire. Simply awful. It’s just that I blame myself. I was with Tanner when Courtney was killed… I just felt I should have been with her, you know? As her mother…”
“Shannon, did Tanner tell you anything about Michael?” she asked holding my hand and looking into my eyes.