by M. Sembera
I could tell he was getting frustrated as he leaned closer, stressing, “I was busy. You were with friends. Now we are both free. Let’s go.”
Holding my head high, I questioned, “Where?”
“My house,” he replied.
In a huff, I shook my head and walked away saying, “No thanks.”
Quickly catching up, he cornered me by my front door and snapped, “I’ve waited all week.”
“For what?” I snapped back.
He didn’t say anything at first, then as I started to open the door, Henley leaned close, stating, “You.”
Having him stand so close, not to mention how irritated I was with him and feeling his breath on my face as he spoke, reminded me of the night at his house.
“I don’t feel like going anywhere,” I said before offering, “But you can come in, if you want.”
He didn’t answer, he just stood there waiting until I opened the front door and followed me in.
Walking to my room, as Henley followed, I wondered what it would be like to have him in there with me. I was still mad at him but I also wanted to feel the way I did at his house. It was better than drinking or even winning an argument. It was all action and no thought, and I had to admit, it was less about Henley and more about the furious need he provoked. Making it to my room, I opened the door. The two of us walked in my room before I locked the door behind us. I watched him glance around before glaring at Emerson’s team shirt on my wall.
“Who does that belong to?” he questioned with an unpleasant expression.
With a slight smile, I informed, “Me.”
Rephrasing, he asked, “Who gave it to you?”
Setting my bag on the little bench by my bed and the rose he gave me on the nightstand, I replied, “Emerson gave it to me to wear on game days.”
Making a face, he snapped, “Where’s mine?”
Stopping to give him a strange look, I said, “Hanging in my closet.”
“How many boys have you been with?” he questioned in a rather demanding tone.
I didn’t want to answer. For the first time in my life, my no sex rule made me feel less proud of myself and more like a little kid.
Swallowing hard, I asked, “Does it really matter?”
“You’ve screwed that many people?” he asked, appearing disgusted.
Well, that didn’t come out the way I meant it to.
I stepped over to my closet. Yanking his shirt off of the hanger, I threw it at him before sitting down on the end of my bed.
“Time to go home,” I spouted, giving him a ‘yea you heard me’ glare.
Without expression, Henley folded his shirt and set it on my dresser before slipping his shoes off and setting them neatly in front of my dresser.
Biting the corner of his lip, he walked closer before leaning down and assuring, “Not yet.”
Surprised that he was refusing to leave, I griped, “I said leave.”
Narrowing his eyes at me, he said, “Four.” As I shook my head not understanding, he shared, “I’ve had four women.”
“I don’t wanna say,” I admitted with a heavy sigh.
His smile was a bit disturbing as he said, “I don’t mind if you’re a little…” cutting him off because I had no idea what word was going to come out of his mouth, I snapped, “None, alright.”
I half expected him to make fun of me but instead he shoved me back and started kissing me.
This time hands wandered, however nothing was removed. With a soft push, he adjusted me farther onto my bed. Pulling me against him as we faced each other, I noticed he looked like something was bothering him.
“Is something wrong?” I questioned.
Shaking his head, he whispered, “I can fill in the gaps.”
“What?” I asked, thinking that was a strange thing to say.
Still whispering, he explained, “When we have nothing else, we can have each other.”
Instantly, I felt the urge to let him have me. Staring at him, I nodded, thinking, there wasn’t a more perfect thing to say to me. With my three friends preoccupied with their own lives, I would have my own life too. How could someone, I barely knew and hardly liked, know me so well.
“Do you want me?” I whispered.
“Right now?” he asked.
Stopping to think about it, I clarified, “Just in general.”
“Do you want to check?” he questioned.
My eyes grew wide and before I could decline he gave a slight laugh then starting kissing me.
There were more whispers and several kisses before I fell asleep. Unsure of what time it was I sat up realizing Henley had left. Glancing around my room, I noticed the shirt Em gave me was folded on my dresser and Henley’s shirt was pinned to my wall in its place. Shaking my head, I threw myself back and gave a loud sigh before pulling my comforter over my head and falling back asleep.
Chapter 21
The gaps, as Henley put it, seemed to widen as I spent more time with him and less with my friends. It got to the point where everyone was miserable, including me. When I wasn’t with him, all I could think about was seeing him and when I did see him, we argued about where I had been. Hert kept a constant anti-Henley position while Em and Jacks complained about how I wasn’t the same as I used to be. All I wanted was to be happy and none of them seemed care. To make matters worse, I was seriously irritated that my father, of all people, was the only one not giving me a hard time. He didn’t look at me or speak to me. It was like I wasn’t even there.
On the way home from Emerson’s, I stopped by The Bar to see Jackson, with the excuse of what time his parents wanted us at his house after graduation. It was going to be a full day. We had to get up, take pictures, practice walking, have lunch with the Roberts’, graduate, go to the Thomas’s for a party, then meet back over at Emerson’s so we could leave first thing in the morning for our trip.
Truthfully, I just wanted to see Jackson.
As soon as I walked in, I heard a Gus say, “Hey girl, haven’t seen you in a while.”
Forcing a smile, I said, “I know, sorry,” instantly thinking about shots, grill cheese sandwiches and the night I spent an hour trying to say Augustus but I was so drunk it kept coming out as Auggie-Gus.
Walking around the bar, Jacks smiled wide, asking, “Hey, wanna give me a hand?”
“Sure,” I agreed, following him to the back.
As we walked, I wondered what he wanted. When we reached The Dog House, he smiled and closed the door behind us.
“What?” I questioned, realizing he was up to something.
Flashing another wide smile at me, he said, “I was thinkin’, since I’m leaving at the end of the summer, I thought maybe you could hang onto my hoodie for me while I’m gone.”
Instantly my face fell.
Still cheery, he assured, “You can’t have it. I still want it, when I come home to visit but you know…” giving me a little nudge.
Shaking my head, I could feel my eyes tearing up as I whispered, “I can’t.”
Giving me a confused look, Jacks laughed a little saying, “You can’t,” before questioning, “Because of him?”
Shrugging, I couldn’t answer.
“I thought it was your favorite too,” he griped before changing his tone and saying, “It’s all good Ren, I’ll just take it with me.”
Thoughts of when I wrote our names on his hoodie and why I liked wearing it overwhelmed me. Suddenly the difference between Jackson and I’s relationship and the one I now had with Henley hit me and it hurt.
Unable to stand being in the spot where he took me on our first date or see him smile at me, I turned and ran out. Not wanting to explain myself to Gus either, I used the back door. I made it half way to my car when Henley stopped me.
“I thought you were going home,” he questioned.
His questioning me immediately set me off as I snapped, “I can’t stop and talk to my friend?”
“Were you talking?” he asked, insinua
ting I was doing something else.
Insulted, I gave him a dirty look and turned to walk away.
Grabbing my arm, he growled, “Don’t walk away from me.”
Jerking my arm away, I snapped, “Let go of me.”
Pulling me by my shoulders, this time, he assured, “Don’t.”
I pushed him as hard as I could, shouting, “Get the hell off me!”
As I turned he reached out to grab my wrist but caught my bracelet instead. Horrified, I watched it brake away and fall to the ground in pieces. Falling to my knees I frantically picked up every bit I saw. Quickly getting to my feet, I shoved the remains of my bracelet in my pocket, said something very unbecoming to him and drove straight to Hert’s.
Furious the whole way, I couldn’t wait to talk to Hert. Practically running to his apartment door, I knocked as hard as I could on it. After a minute, the door opened and Hert gave me curious look.
Marching straight inside, I asked, “What are you doing?”
“Wondering why you’re here,” he replied before asking, “What happened to your arm? And where’s your bracelet?”
I pulled the pieces of my broken bracelet out of my pocket and set it on his bar. When I did, I noticed the bracelet must have cut me when Henley yanked it off.
Before I could tell Hert anything, he started yelling, “Damn it! See! I told you!”
“What did you tell me?” I snapped.
Angry, he shouted, “I told you not to go out with that bastard in the first place. You never listen to anything I say.”
Suddenly defensive, I said, “He didn’t break it on purpose.”
Narrowing his eyes at me, Hert questioned, “How did he break it then? Did he hit you?”
My whole thought process shifted as I fussed, “No he didn’t hit me. He’s never hit me.”
With a slight grunt of disbelief, he snapped, “Yet.”
Irritated by his assumption, I spouted, “Thanks for being a friend,” and walked out.
Walking back to my car, I thought Hert could be such a jerk.
On the way home, I started to feel guilty. I had told Henley I was going straight home from Emerson’s and I had in fact stopped to see an ex-boyfriend instead. Really, the moment I left The Bar and saw Henley, I was mad that he wasn’t more like Jackson. I knew how insecure Henley was about all three of them. Remembering him telling me that he never knew his father and he felt like his mother abandoned him when she died, I thought, he was just afraid of losing me. And from what he described, the uncle that raised him didn’t seem like a caring guardian at all. He did have some serious issues with possessiveness, excessive neatness and the whole shirt changing thing still baffled me. I had my own things too and we seemed to fill not only the gaps but a void in each other.
By the time I made it home, Henley was there waiting for me. I sat in my car for a few minutes just staring at him leaned up against his car, waiting for me to get out of mine. I didn’t want to fight. Still upset over Jackson, mad at Hert and absolutely devastated about my bracelet, I just wanted him to make it all go away.
The second I got out of my car, Henley was right in front of me, on his knees begging, “Don’t walk away from me.”
As he wrapped his arms around my waist, I whispered, “Stop, Henley get up.”
Holding me tighter, he shook his head, asking, “Will you leave me?”
“I won’t,” I assured, before urging, “Please get up.”
Finally, he got up. Leaning in he kissed me.
When he pulled away, I asked, “Do you want to come inside?” after he shook his head I asked, “Do you want me to come to your house?”
He nodded and I walked around to the passenger side and got in.
When we arrived, I got out as soon as the car stopped, without waiting for him to turn it off. After walking the path that led to his house alone, I leaned against his front door watching him walk towards me. He unlocked the door before opening it. Inside, he stopped in the living room.
Turning towards me, he said, “Sit.”
Shaking my head at him, I declined, saying, “No,” and followed him into his room.
It was just as meticulous as the rest of the house. Reaching in his drawer, he pulled out a shirt.
I watched him pull the one he was wearing off before blurting, “Wait, what is that?”
Appearing hesitant, Henley turned and raised his arm. Starting at the top of his ribcage there was a cross tattooed down his side all the way to his hip.
Taking a step closer, I asked, “Is that for your mother?” when I saw initials in the center of it.
Standing there, he quietly nodded. There was also a thick scar that ran from the top of the cross through the center and around to his back.
Reaching my fingers out, I brushed them against it, asking, “What happened?”
Lowering his arm, he closed his eyes and shared, “I was sixteen. I didn’t have permission.”
Taking a breath, I nodded, whispering, “I have them too.”
Shaking his head at me, he whispered, “You’re perfect.”
I wasn’t but at that moment I felt like I was.
Reaching my arms up, I wrapped them around his neck as he slowly lifted me up. Without kissing me he stared into my eyes as I wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me to the bed. Laying there with him didn’t make me happy, in fact, the two of us were so sad it was almost depressing. Somewhere in my mind, I knew I would never forgive him for destroying my bracelet but at the same time, forgiveness and even a genuine fondness for him seemed insignificant. He didn’t ask to be forgiven. He simply asked for me not to walk away.
Chapter 22
Graduation day finally arrived. I found myself feeling better about it than I expected. Things were better since I spent the night with Henley. We had come as close as possible to a real relationship with everything included as we circled the boundary of my no sex rule without crossing it. He was more understanding about how limited my time was with my friends and I was more considerate, making sure he knew exactly where I was at all times. I had one big blow up with Hert, Emerson and Jackson. Surprisingly, when I explained that Hert had The Office, Emerson had his girl and Jackson had every other girl in town. Jacks came to my defense saying I was right and that as long as I was happy they should let me have something of my own apart from them. Finally able to create a balance in my life, all I had to do was finish out the day then I would get to spend an entire week enjoying the friendships that were slowly slipping away.
Taking a deep breath, I stood in front of my mirror. My hair was straightened all the way down my back. Everything had been accomplished for the day, aside from, the party at the Thomas’ house. I went between feeling like this was the end and at the same time the beginning. I unzipped my gown and took off my cap, setting it on my bed. Laying my gown across my bed, I laughed a little, thinking of Jackson telling me it would be awesome if was naked under it. Shaking my head, I grabbed the bag I had packed for our trip and walked out of my room. I told Henley goodbye the night before because he wasn’t participating in any of the day’s activities.
Stepping into the kitchen, I shouted, “Bye,” knowing there would be no response.
Neither of my parents came to graduation. Why would they come out and wish me well on my trip? After waiting for a moment just in case I was wrong, I continued outside and to my car. I placed my bag in the trunk before getting in and driving to The Thomas’.
Jackson’s house was full of red hair, hugs and giant smiles. Hert and Emerson stayed for about thirty minutes before heading to dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Roberts then back to Emerson’s to wait for us. It just so happened, it was Gus’s birthday also, making the party even more eventful. After Gus hugged me and thanked me for the little wooden plaque that said The Dog House, he promised to hang it right above the door to the little back room at The Bar. The more everyone congratulated Jackson and talked about college, all I heard was 'He’s leaving'. Not wanting to spoil anythin
g for anyone, I smiled wide and thanked everyone before heading to my car.
Almost at my car, the fresh air helped me get a handle on myself. When I started to get in, Jackson caught the door before I could close it.
Standing back up, I gave a little smile, saying, “I figured since I’m gonna see you later, I didn’t need to tell you bye,” even though I knew that wasn’t why.
“You okay?” he asked. As I nodded he said, “Are you sure? You haven’t stopped shaking your hands or wiggling your fingers since you got here.”
With a little sigh, I confessed, “I miss you.”
I wasn’t sure if he understood what I really meant.
“College doesn’t last forever Ren, I’m coming back,” he assured.
Shaking my head, I asked, “What if you don’t?”
Stepping closer, he swore, “Why wouldn’t I? Everything is here.”
Looking away so the tears in my eyes didn’t fall, I said, “Nothings ever gonna be the same.”
He quickly kissed my cheek before saying, “I have to get back in there…but Ren…just don’t do anything you can’t undo, okay.”
Nodding, I watched Jacks jog back to his door, before giving me a wink and a smile.
At Emerson’s, Mr. and Mrs. Roberts congratulated me again before going to bed. I stood in Emerson’s room, thinking he’s gonna marry this one and she’s gonna take my side of the bed. I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I started to cry. Actually, crying was an understatement. I wasn’t ready. Not for our last week together, change or anything that came after this day. Hert asked Emerson to give us a minute and after hugging me, Em stepped out of the room.
“Renni stop,” Hert stated with a genuinely concerned look on his face.
Shaking my head at him, I argued, “No, I can’t. I can’t do this, ya’ll are leaving me.”
His tone was soft as he said, “No one’s leaving.”
“Jackson is,” I fussed.
With a heavy sigh, he agreed, “Okay.”
He knew as well as I did it was all falling apart.
Feeling the need to get everything off my chest, I cried, “And Em… He’s gonna get married I just know it. You’re hardly ever around anymore and you … Even you’ll settle down and get married one day then you’ll have your own family. And I’m going to be left all alone with…”