by Tiya Rayne
This was why I stuck to short term sex agreements. No one asked you questions when it’s only about sex. No one needed to know that you woke up in cold sweats screaming with nightmares about your childhood rapist, when they aren’t allowed to sleep over. They didn’t figure out you’re a broken woman when they didn’t have a chance to get to know you or plan a future with you. This was why I had rules, this was why I never wanted to have a relationship with Jackson.
After the silence in the room had gone on for far too long, I decided to give Jackson an easy exit.
“I know this is a lot to deal with. If you want to go, I won’t hold it against you. You didn’t sign up for all this.”
His nostrils flared as he stared back at me. “If you, for a second, believe that about me, you have no idea who I am.”
Relief.
That’s the feeling that I felt. I had no idea how bad I wanted Jackson to accept my truth until he finally did. I felt as if the windows of my soul had finally been ripped open. They weren’t nailed shut anymore. The doors weren’t sealed tight, it was freeing.
“I can’t give you kids, Jackson.”
I needed him to understand that. He needed to know that that was never an option. “At least with your Ex, you had the possibility of one day becoming a dad, but I can’t give you that.”
Jackson was out of his seat and on his knees in front of me. He grabbed my hands in his.
“I never asked you to give me kids. All I want is you. I will take you any way I can get you, as long as you’re mine.”
“I’m yours.” I honestly admitted.
And I was his. Despite my refusal to admit it, I’ve been his for a while.
“I love you, Jackson.”
He smiled for the first time since I started talking. “I love you too, Char.”
That night, Jackson and I didn’t make love. We didn’t do anything sexual at all, but we’ve never been more intimate. We laid in my bed and talked. We talked about everything from my childhood, to my family, to my hopes and dreams. I completely opened up to Jackson, and it was the most intimate I had ever been with a man.
TWENTY-FIVE
I should have known things were too good. I was too happy, and I’d never been this happy before.
I was in New York on business when the call came through. I hopped on a flight and landed back in Atlanta at noon. I took an Uber straight to the hospital.
My entire family was there, including Uncle Walter, Aunt Vivica’s husband. That was the first sign that things must be really bad.
“Gram’s what happened? Is Papa ok?” I rushed into the room asking questions.
The forlorn faces in the room made me nervous. When Devin called me in tears about Papa having a heart attack, I was on pins and needles to get back. Papa was doing so well with taking his medicine and eating healthier. What happened?
“What is she doing here?” Aunt Jo yelled.
What was she talking about? Why wouldn’t I be there?
“You and your whorish ways!” Aunt Vivica shouted. “Get out of here, you tramp. This is all your fault.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“This came in the mail today.” Devin stood, handing me a Manilla envelope. I looked around the room at the sad and hostile faces before opening the envelope to see what was hidden inside. I slid all the content out. A yellow paper with rushed scribbled handwriting greeted me.
It’s time you saw the type of woman you raised.
I quickly flipped the note to the back of the pile to look at the stack of pictures in my hand. I gasped at what I saw. They were action shots from my bedroom of me in different sexual positions. So many different men ranging from dark to light skin. From business professionals, politicians, to blue collar workers. My taste was all across the board. After the first twenty photos, I stuck the pictures back in the package with shaking hands.
I looked up to my Grams and there were unshed tears in her eyes. I’d never been ashamed of what I did. After the situation with my uncle, I dealt with a lot of emotional scars. I felt unworthy and unclean for so long. At one time I wanted to die, but I refused to let them win that way. I fought to gain control of my life, but it wasn’t just my life that I felt needed the control. My body needed it just as much.
I started out just trying to erase the taint of his touch. For so long after I moved back in with my grandparents, I constantly felt the ghost of him. It drove me crazy. So I started to sleep around, anything to erase the memory of my uncle. I always had my rules; no kissing, no pet names, no holding me down, and no I love you. Everything my uncle did to me, he said he did it out of love. I wanted nothing that would remind me of him. After a while I started to feel more in control. So I started demanding more control. I made sure that every man I was with was because I wanted it. They didn’t get to call me, I called them. I asked for it. I told them what I wanted and how I wanted it, I was always in control. Soon I started to crave that power I got during sex.
Sex was my therapy. This was my body and I had a right to do with it as I pleased. That right was taken away from me for ten years. I was owed my sexual freedom.
However, as I saw the unshed tears in my Grandmother’s eyes, and I watch the disgust written on her face, I started to feel regret.
“Daddy found these whorish pictures, and it gave him have a heart attack.” Vivica yelled.
Everyone’s hostility towards me was starting to make sense.
“If he dies, it’s all your fault!” Aunt Jo added as she buried her face in Uncle Kenny’s shoulder.
“I told you, Mama. I told you that girl was a problem.”
“It’s not like I sent the goddamn pictures.” I said in my defense.
I understood everyone’s anger. Hell, I was angry too, but they’re acting like I gave Papa the pictures.
“There shouldn’t even be pictures.” Aunt Vivica stated throwing her hands up in the air.
“Calm down, Viv.” Uncle Walter pleaded stepping up to my side and placing a hand on my shoulder. “Duck’s a victim too.”
I still didn’t understand why Papa and Uncle Walter couldn’t get along. This man had always been nice to me. Often times treating me like I was Devin or Chante.
“How dare you.” Aunt Vivica screeched. She glared at Uncle Walter like he had committed the greatest sin ever. “Don’t you dare defend her in front of me.”
Uncle Walter slowly removed his hand from my shoulder and stepped away from me.
“Well, I’ll defend her.” Eli said coming to my side. “It’s not her fault.”
Aunt Vivica glared at me with her nose turned up. “She’s just like her mother. It’s never their fault no matter whose lives they destroy.”
“Don’t you ever compare me to her.” My anger made my voice cold.
If Vivica knew how close she was to needing this damn hospital, she wouldn’t open her mouth again.
I was nothing like Nita.
“Oh, but it’s true! That bitch spread her legs to everything moving and you are no different.”
I took a step towards my aunt and Eli held up a hand to block me.
“Fuck you, Vivica! You don’t know shit about me or my mother.”
“You little disrespectful….”
“Enough!” Grams finally spoke bringing the escalating fight back down.
She turned her eyes to me and glared. “I told you that your lifestyle would come back to bite you in the butt one day. Now I let you get by once without telling me what’s going on, but not now. You tell me what’s going on Charlice.”
“Gram’s I can handle it...”
“I SAID ENOUGH!”
I’d never heard Grams yell like that, especially not to me.
“You tell me what’s going on, and you tell me right now, Bernita.” She gasped the moment she realized the mistake she made.
She could have smacked me and it would have hurt less.
“I’m so sorry, Charlice. I didn’t mean….”
&
nbsp; “Mama don’t apologize to that tramp.”
“Hey! That’s enough.” Devin came to my defense. “Daddy is right, Duck didn’t send the pictures. No need to all gang up on her. We need to come together for Papa.”
“Exactly!” Eli stated in agreement.
“Typical.” Keva said. “You two are always making excuses for her. This is her fault. We’ve told her many times about her ways.”
“Facts.” Keisha added.
That was what did it for me. I was so sick and tired of my family treating me like I was the only person with shit going on. Like I was the black sheep of the family. I took the credit for being a hoe. Yes, I liked the power I got when having sex. But that did not make me a bad person. That did not allow anyone to turn up their nose in judgement of me. If they wanted to point fingers, then it was time I started pointing some back.
“So I’m the only one here with issues I guess?”
As always, Keva was the first one to open her mouth. “Duck, no one is truly without sin. We all have come short of God’s love, but our sins just aren’t as big as yours. Your body is a temple, you should keep it undefiled.”
“Like you, right Keva?”
Keva had the nerve to blush. “Yes! I took my virginity seriously. I gave my husband the gift of my pureness on our marriage night.”
I laughed at that. “You know what’s sad, I think you’ve told that lie so much even you believe it.”
Aunt Jo looked over to Keva. “What is she talking about?”
Keva was watching me hard, she’s hoping I didn’t know what I did.
“It’s alright, mama Jo.” Roy said getting to his fat ass feet. “Now I can attest to what Keva says. Duck is just lying to save herself.”
“You’re right Roy. I guess she would have still been a virgin when you had her, it’s not like your first actually had a dick, right Keva? How is Tracey now a days? Do you still keep in touch after you two munched each other’s carpets all through High school?”
The entire room gasped.
“OOOOOOHHHH!” Keisha sung covering her mouth.
Keva’s eyes got so wide I was shocked they didn’t fall out of her head.
“How…..Who…”
“Tracey.” I answered the question she couldn’t get out. “She told me all about it. She was heartbroken when you called it off, she wanted me to talk to you.”
“Wait a minute, are you talking about that little white girl that use to come over to the house all the time? I know that’s not what ya’ll was up in that room doing? Not in my house!” Aunt Joe’s face was scrunched up in disgust.
“Definitely in your house.” I confirmed. “Tell me, Keva, did you guys reconnect when she was here a few months ago?”
Keva covered her mouth with her hands.
I’d always been really good with making friends when I needed to be. Especially when the person I’m being friends with had a secret on my family. I never knew when I’d need to step in on my family’s behalf. That’s why Tracey couldn’t wait to contact me to tell me how she was coming to town and had planned to see Keva.
“That’s disgusting.” Aunt Jo shouted. “What do you think those people are going to say down at the church when they find out about this?”
Keva buried her face in her hands and started sobbing.
“Oh stop, Aunt Jo! Don’t act like you’re innocent. Did you ever tell the people at the church that you aborted your fourth child because you didn’t know if it was Uncle Kenny’s?”
Apparently Aunt Jo and I went to the same lady. I heard the woman telling mama all about it at one of my god awful visits.
“What the fuck!” Uncle Kenny yelled.
“Please,” I rolled my eyes at him. “Wasn’t like you could afford another kid anyway. Not with those two side children you got out in Augusta.”
Aunt Jo gasped and turned to Uncle Kenny.
“Daddy is that true?” Keisha squealed.
Uncle Kenny opened his mouth and reclosed it like a fish.
Keisha turned to me and narrowed her eyes. “You’re a bitch.”
I chuckled. “Absolutely. And since we’re on the subjects of bitches, do you even know who this baby’s daddy is?”
Her current boyfriend shot to his feet and stared down at her.
“Shut up, Duck!” Keisha screamed.
“Why? Are you afraid I’ll tell your sister that you’re fucking her husband and that this new addition may be his?”
Roy opened his mouth, ready to deny it when everyone turned to him.
“Don’t even,” I said shutting him up. “I’ve kept your secrets all these years, never judging either of you. Yet all you did was turn your noses up at me like I’m the dirty one.”
“Just because you know a few secrets doesn’t mean you’re still not a whore.”
“What the fuck did you just call my cousin?” Eli took a step towards Quincy, but this time I held him back.
I caught Chante’s eyes. I wasn’t doing this to hurt anyone, I just wanted them to see what I’d done for them. The measures I’d taken for them.
I was the one that talked Tracey out of crashing Keva’s wedding. I made sure that Nita didn’t tell Grams about Aunt Jo’s abortion. I stopped Kenny Sr.’s side chick from putting him up for child support. I knew a guy that worked in the court house that told me when she filed the papers. That’s how I found out about them. I’d done more for my family than they will ever know. So when I watch Chante’s eyes, I watch for any sign that she might not be able to handle the truth I was about to drop on her.
When her eyes narrowed at me, I realized, maybe she was ready.
I turned back to Quincy. “I think everyone knows I’m not the only whore in this room, Quincy. How many times have I had to delete your unsolicited dick pics from my phone?”
“What the fuck?” Eli roared.
“Are you sleeping with Chante’s husband?” Aunt Vivica accused.
I laughed. “Hell no! But I’m probably one of the only females in the state that isn’t. Not that Chante would care anyway, she’s too doped up on pain pills to feel anything.”
This time the entire room gasped. Even Quincy seemed surprised at that information.
“That’s enough, Duck!” Grams said drawing my attention back to her. If I thought she was disappointed in me before, she looked completely disgusted in me now. “You have done enough for today.”
“Have I really?” I sneered. “Because I can keep going.”
Grams shook her head at me. “There is no pride in hurting your family.”
“I hurt them?” I gawked at her words.
Could she really stand here and tell me that I’m wrong?
“Look at them, Charlice! You humiliated them for your own gain.”
I actually stopped to look around the small hospital waiting room. It was mostly filled with my family, but there were four other people here with us. Everyone in my family was either in tears or angry. Maybe I went about it wrong, maybe I shouldn’t have blew up on them like this, but where was all this concern when I was the one being attacked.
“My apologies, Grams. I know how you like your secrets. Buried and forgotten, right?” I said to her.
Grams looked at me confused.
“I’ll do you all a favor, from here on out, just forget I existed.”
“Duck!” Devin called after me as I stormed out of the hospital. I climbed on the elevator and closed the doors before Devin and Eli could get to me. The moment the doors closed the tears fell, and they didn’t stop.
**
“Babe!” I heard Jackson’s voice call me as he climbed the stairs.
My brain was so muddled I could barely make out anything. The cold floor and white ceiling stared back at me in a blurry haze.
“Char! Oh my god!” Jackson was in the bathroom with me now.
He came into view and I blinked my watery eyes up at him.
“Hey, Jackson.” I smiled.
“Baby, don’t move. Are you hur
t?”
Funny he asked that question. I didn’t hurt anymore. I did feel pain earlier, ugly searing pain in my chest, but I felt wonderful now.
“I feel better.” I laughed.
I didn’t really know why I was laughing.
Jackson moved away from me and disappeared. I heard water running from somewhere. I tried to sit up, but the room spun. I grabbed for the toilet and emptied my stomach.
“Damn it!” Jackson shouted. He grabbed my hair and held it back. “Fuck, Char! It’s all in your hair.”
What was in my hair? Once I finished throwing up I leaned my head on my toilet seat. Jackson must had flushed the toilet, because I could hear the water swishing around the bowl.
“I’m going to put you in the tub and then clean up this mess.”
I finally got my eyes to focus on the room, it wasn’t an easy task. I was in my bathroom and it was a mess. Red splotches rained down my all white surfaces. What the hell? I looked down and found a shattered bottle of Merlot on the ground. That explained the red stuff on the walls. Also on the floor, was an empty bottle of tequila. I got a glimpse of a memory. I grabbed the bottle of Tequila when I realized the bottle of wine wouldn’t help me forget what happened today. I didn’t remember much after that. Also amongst the mess was a pile of vomit near the trash can and another at my feet by the toilet. That pile was smeared, and I was pretty sure it’s what I was smelling and feeling all over me.
I burst into tears.
“Aw, Baby, don’t cry. I got you.”
Jackson lifted me up, sitting on the side of the tub, he placed me in his lap. He helped me undress before lifting me in the warm bubble bath. I sunk down into the warm water allowing the heat to help clear my head. Jackson busies himself around my bathroom cleaning up my mess. When he came back upstairs after sweeping all the glass off the floor and mopping up my vomit he was on the phone.
“Yeah, I’m here, Devin. No, she’s not doing well.” He paused. “I’m going to take care of her, no need to worry about her.” Another pause. “No, I’m glad you called. You can call me anytime. I do have one question. She’s made a mess of her hair. A real mess. How do I take it out?”