by Maggie Marr
“You know about Kiley and your dad?”
Amanda nodded. “Just found out. The hard way.” She twirled a lock of black hair between her fingers. “I’m nearly certain they’ll be married before the end of the year.”
“I can’t be their beard. Even if I lose the role in The Legend Returns.” I settled my elbows onto my knees and leaned toward Amanda. “You have to help me. Please, help me tell Lane. I know she’ll take your call.” My voice was on the edge of a plea, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have any pride when it came to Lane. I couldn’t survive this hollow feeling that was carving a hole in my belly. “Lane is everything. Everything I want. Everything I need. Everything.”
Amanda pressed her lips together. Her eyes flicked over me and I saw compassion and empathy flash through them. She knew that I loved Lane and she knew that Lane loved me. She had to help me; she had to help me reach Lane.
She turned her head away, the muscle in her jaw pulsed, and then she turned her eyes back to me. “Dillon,” she said, “nobody gets everything they want all the time, not even a celebrity.”
Lane
I answered my phone in Colby, Kansas. I couldn’t take the number of calls racking up. My heart couldn’t take that his heart was breaking like mine. I couldn’t pretend that Dillon would leave me alone if I just ignored him. I didn’t want to see him and I didn’t want him showing up on my doorstep at school, and I knew he would. I knew if I ignored his texts, his calls, him… that he would hop on a plane and be at school waiting for me. I also knew what I had known when I left Los Angeles—that I didn’t have the courage, the strength, the ability to leave Dillon if I had to see him. I couldn’t look into his eyes and turn away. I loved him. I loved him even though I was angry with him. I loved him and I knew… after a thousand miles rolling it over in my mind… in my heart I knew that Dillon hadn’t kissed Kiley. I knew that something had to have happened. But I also knew that he hadn’t told me about the kiss and that broke my heart.
I wanted Dillon to find his success. I wanted him to feel the security that he would feel with his success. I wanted that for him and for Choo, and if that meant I had to have one final phone call with Dillon so that he would leave me alone forever, then I would have it.
I pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant and parked. It was hot in western Kansas. The phone rang and I took a long, deep breath and finally, after repeated calls and texts from the guy I loved, I answered my phone.
“Lane?” His voice was breathy and short, as though he couldn’t believe I’d picked up. “Oh my God, Lane. Laney, are you okay? Where are you? Oh God, please don’t hang up. Don’t hang up…”
I swallowed the sob that choked in my throat and wanted to burst from my chest with the pain and the love I heard in his voice. I could do this. I had to do this.
“I won’t hang up,” I said. “I… I want to talk to you.”
“Oh, baby, Laney, please, baby, I want to talk to you too. Are you okay? Are you home? Can I come get you?”
“I’m in Colby, Kansas.”
“Where the hell is Colby, Kansas?”
The tiniest smile curved around my mouth with his words. “It’s really far away from Los Angeles,” I said. “I’m almost home.”
He paused then. He took a deep breath. “Baby, I want home for you to be where I am.”
My heart broke… again. How many times could one heart break? I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath. If I cried… If he heard me cry it would be over—he had to know that this was my decision, and he had to believe there was no way to change my mind.
“Home for me is Kansas,” I said.
“Baby, the photo, I’m so sorry, the photo it wasn’t… I mean… it didn’t…”
“I know,” I said. “I mean, it hurt so bad when I saw that picture. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad it hurt, but I know, Dillon. I know you and I know it wasn’t how it looks.”
“Oh, Lane.” His voice cracked. “Baby, I love you so much.”
Hot tears rolled down my face with his words. “I… I can’t be with you.” I covered my mouth with my fingertips. I muffled the choking sound that threatened to come out.
“What? Baby, you have to come back. I can’t… this won’t work without you. I can’t do this. Choo can’t do this. We need you, baby. You have to come back. I need you… Please, baby.”
“No, Dillon. I have to be here. Please. Don’t call me again. Don’t text. Leave me alone. I have to be here and I have to be here alone.”
“Lane—”
He called my name as I pressed the Off button. I couldn’t speak anymore. I could barely breathe. I turned off my phone and drove.
I rolled into Lawrence at eleven a.m. after two days on the road. My body ached and I needed a shower. I drove down Massachusetts toward my apartment. A giant billboard screamed to the world the release of Mission Ranger with Dillon in the lead. He and Ryan stood well-armed, looking sweaty and dirty and sexy as hell. The film would make a gazillion dollars, I was sure. And Dillon would be a star. A huge star. My heart hurt as I glanced at his giant face. A face I’d kissed and that had kissed me. A face I would never get to kiss again.
I pulled into the parking spot in front of my apartment and slid from my Jeep. I’d thought about what Amanda said, that the business was messed up and that she was certain that the kiss had been manufactured. She’d watched Dillon with me and she knew Kiley and that there wasn’t any way he’d want to be with her.
But she was so hot. And she was so Hollywood, and she was everything that he would want in a girl—everything that I would never be.
Emma pulled open our apartment door. She had a giant smile on her face and clasped me into a big hug. I was so happy to be home. I’d forgotten how much I missed her. I held tight to the tears that wanted to break free from my eyes.
“You look tired,” she said. She had her white-blond hair pulled up into a ponytail. Her blue eyes crinkled with concern and hints of sadness.
I smiled weakly. I’d called her from the road and filled her in on the drama and told her I’d be home early from California. She was a good friend, and like any great friend, talking to her and now, seeing her—it was like I’d just seen her yesterday. She’d gotten to Lawrence before me and had cleaned up our place from the emptiness of the summer and filled it with food and flowers.
“Go take a shower,” Emma said. “I fixed us some lunch.”
My throat tightened with the idea of food, but my stomach growled. Classes didn’t start for another week, but I had plenty to do. I was already enrolled, and I needed to check on when my work-study job would start. I needed to buy books and everything else that went with school. It was so strange to be back in Kansas.
I threw my duffel onto my bed and slumped down beside my bag. I wanted to cry. I’d shed tears across four states on the way home. Serious tears that could have filled buckets—I thought I was all cried out. I lay back on my bed. This summer hadn’t been anything like I’d expected. Everything had been different, everything had changed. I was different inside and out. I’d taken the Big Risk and I’d gotten what I’d wanted—a job offer for next spring—but suddenly that job offer didn’t seem to matter to me, because I’d lost something that meant more to me than any job could.
I’d lost my heart and the love of a lifetime.
I peeled my clothes from my body and wandered into my shower. I turned the shower to hot. I wanted to wash the dirt, the grime, the tears, wash all of it from my body. I wanted to feel clean and freshly scrubbed, I wanted to begin school and pretend that I hadn’t lost my heart to Dillon MacAvoy, to pretend that I’d never even met him, never even known him, never been a part of a life with him. I stepped under the water and let the heat sear into my skin. The thought of Dillon in the shower with me, his body pressed against mine, entered my brain. Hot tears spilled over my cheeks and mixed with the hot water pouring over my body.
I had known this pain would come at the end of my summer, would be a res
ult of my time with Dillon. I’d known this would be the bitter heartbroken end. That day, standing on the beach, for the first time when I’d stared at the infinite ocean—I’d known. I’d made a deal with myself that day. I would trade a lifetime’s worth of memories for a lifetime of pain. I pressed my hands to the tiles of the shower. Sobs choked upward and wracked my body. Had I realized then what this pain—this soul-crushing heartbreak—would be? Tears rolled from my eyes. Even if I’d known what the pain of this moment would feel like, the pain I was certain would forever be trapped in my heart next to my memories of Dillon—even then I wouldn’t have traded one minute of Dillon’s love for peace.
I straightened my spine and pushed my head under the shower. The water washed the tears from my face. Dillon was meant to be a memory I left in California, a memory that I kept throughout my life. A memory I would take out and cherish and look at with melancholy and a smile, but Dillon was never meant to be mine. Our worlds were too different, we were too different—I didn’t fit into his life. His life was planned out and his success was imminent if I left him alone. And now, whether the kiss was real or fake… it didn’t really matter. Kiley and Boom Boom and Webber and Worldwide—they would all get what they wanted, what they needed for Dillon, they would get the world’s next big star the next big actor, the next big heartthrob, and I was definitely not going to stand in the way of all that. Not me, not a little girl from Kansas with a broken heart.
Chapter 26
Dillon
“Dude, get your lazy ass up.”
Bright light poured into my bedroom. I covered my eyes with my hand and looked toward the windows where sunlight burst in from the outside.
“Have you taken a look at your fat ass? Filming starts on The Legend Returns in two weeks.” Choo pushed open the balcony doors. “You stink, you know that?” He stood with his hands on his hips and stared down at me. “What would all the women in America think if they could see their latest heartthrob looking like this pile of shit?” He picked up an empty Jack Daniels bottle from the floor. “Really?” He shook his head. “I know you miss her, but this is a little cliché, even for you, big brother.”
I rolled onto my back and covered my face with my hands. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and I didn’t want to film The Legend Returns with Steve Legend. I didn’t even care that Mission Ranger had opened huge and broken box-office records. I was suddenly the hottest commodity in town, and I didn’t care about any of it. I didn’t want anything but Lane. The four-pack burst through the open bedroom door and bounded onto my bed. Bernie gave me a giant lick up the side of my face.
“Go take them to Runyon,” Choo said. “Run some of that liquor off your belly.”
The dogs pranced around my bed and Kong barked at the word Runyon.
“Seriously, dude, you lost her so you could do the Steve Legend film, now don’t lose the film because you look like a pile of shit.”
“Fuck off,” I growled at Choo.
He had no idea the heartache that tore at me. The fact that no matter what I did I could never fix this, never change what had happened, that I would never again be with Lane. She’d made that clear.
The paps had broken the story about Kiley Kepner sneaking around with Steve Legend, and I was off the hook. Hunter Fabian had left me a voice mail saying Steve couldn’t wait to get to set so he could get away from his soon-to-be ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.
“Why don’t you go get her,” Choo said.
I picked my forearm up off my eyes and peered at him. “Have you talked to her?”
He didn’t answer. I suspected that even though Lane wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts, she was still speaking with my brother.
He stone-faced me. “I’m just saying, what use is it being the newest biggest star in Hollywood if you can’t use some of that hard-won glamour to get the girl you want?”
“The girl I want doesn’t want me, remember? I screwed that up.” The muscles in my jaw clenched.
“Yeah, and I’ve been pretty much wrong when it comes to Lane since the beginning, haven’t I?” Choo said and grabbed three beer cans off my dresser. “Fine, don’t listen to me, your brother, the person in this family who actually still has a relationship with the girl you love.”
“Love.” I sighed. I rolled to sitting. “Man, I do love her.”
“Like that was any kind of secret.” Choo grabbed the garbage can from under my desk and started tossing empties into it. “I am sending Mathilde in with a flamethrower and a gas mask. Seriously, brother, this is some sorry shit.”
My gaze darted around my room. With the shades open and the sun pouring into my room, it did look pretty rank. “I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in here.”
“Too long,” Choo said. “You know you’re a big star now, though, right?”
I nodded. Some big star. I didn’t want to leave my room. I didn’t want to act. All I wanted was a girl I couldn’t have.
“Do you really think…” I couldn’t say the words. The idea of going to get Lane and her saying no made the pain inside my heart throb. She could rip it out again by saying no, by turning her back on me, by deciding I wasn’t worth the risk.
“You won’t know for sure unless you try.”
I nodded. I yanked back the covers and planted my feet on the ground. Lane was worth the world. She was worth every single attempt to try.
Lane
For weeks all I did was drag myself to my classes, then to my work-study job at the registrar’s office, then I fell into bed at home. I barely read for class. I didn’t eat. I did shower because after the first week I’d started to smell and Emma had finally mentioned that I was scaring her. I lay on my bed. Today was Saturday. No classes and no work-study. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to do anything. I lay curled in my bed with the shades drawn. My body wanted to sleep. Sleep was so peaceful. Sleep was the only time I didn’t completely ache, the only time my heart didn’t throb with pain and when I didn’t have to fight the desire to cry.
There was a gentle tap on my door.
“Come in,” I called out.
Emma opened the door. “Hey,” she said. She smiled and slipped into my room. “I brought you a coffee.” She reached out her hand just far enough so I had to sit up. “It’s almost eleven.” She moved toward my bedroom window. I didn’t stop her. I knew me wallowing was completely unhealthy, and she was just trying to be my friend.
“So, some of us are going to a matinee at the Second Run. Want to go?”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay in my room. I didn’t want to see anyone or hear their murmurs to each other as to whether I was okay and would ever get over Dillon. I bit my bottom lip.
“Then we’re going to get lunch at the Taproom,” Emma said.
“Sure,” I said.
“Great!” Her smile took over her face. “Get up and get dressed—the movie starts in an hour.”
I pulled the blanket off my legs. “Emma,” I said as she got ready to leave my bedroom.
She turned back to me. “Yeah?”
“Thank you. I know that… Well, I know that I’m an emotional basket case and not any fun to be around and well… Thank you for being such a good friend.”
“Oh, Laney, you have a broken heart. And sweetie, yours got broke real bad. I mean…” She looked up at the ceiling of my room. “You took this amazing risk and I am so proud of you, but this happened.” Her eyes settled back on me. “I mean, I know you got that great job waiting for you out there at the end of the year, but maybe, maybe this was meant to happen so you know how much we love you back here.”
My bottom lip quivered. She was saying what I had been thinking for the last couple of weeks. Ever since I drove into Lawrence and felt the warmth of being home. Maybe I wasn’t meant to move to Los Angeles, maybe I simply wasn’t an L.A. type of girl. I had great friends here, a great city a half hour away.
“I know you can still get a job at Core Tech,” Emma sai
d. “My daddy can totally get you in. They were so impressed by the way you went out there all by yourself and got that job and when I told him you came back with an offer for next spring—I mean, he was just blown away.”
I nodded. The things that Emma said made perfect sense. They did. I would have a wonderful life here with all my friends from college who knew me, and I’d be in a sane sort of industry. The type of industry that didn’t force you to lie and pretend you were someone that you weren’t.
“Thanks Emma,” I said.
She nodded and smiled. She was my best friend in the world. “Now get ready!” she said and pulled my door shut.
*
The Second Run was cheap and always filled with kids from school. Movies ran there a couple of weeks after they ran at the big theaters. You couldn’t beat the price—only five bucks a ticket. I walked up to the theatre beside Emma, Kristin, and Laurie.
“We’re going to the Sandra Bullock film,” Emma said.
I stopped. I froze. There he was. Right in front of me. A poster of Mission Ranger. My stomach swirled and the world tilted. Dizziness zipped through my brain. The picture of him. I’d been there when they took these one-sheet photos. Ryan had been drunk and cracking bad jokes. Dillon had wanted to get the whole damn thing finished so that he and I could go to dinner in Malibu.
“Honey? Lane, you okay?” Emma asked and nudged my arm.
My bottom lip quivered. I wasn’t okay. I felt sick. I wasn’t ready to go to the movies. The movies would always remind me of Dillon. He was in the movies. I couldn’t yank my eyes from the poster.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I just…” Three pairs of eyes looked at me, each containing a varying shade of sympathy.
“I just don’t feel good,” I said. “I’m going to go home, okay?” My eyes pleaded for Emma to understand. I didn’t want her to make a scene or ask me to stay. I already felt like the biggest loser in the world that a poster of a guy whom I had dated had stopped me in my tracks and sent me scurrying back to my room.