by Kailin Gow
I don’t know if he’s crying or hyperventilating, but it has me concerned. “Astor? Are you okay?”
“Summer,” he sounds like he’s crying now. “Please give me another chance. I want to see you so bad. I flew in as soon as I could. I have to see you.to make sure you’re okay. Please.”
I swallow hard. I want to say ‘yes’. I want to make him feel better again, to take away his pain, but I’m not so sure if it’s a good thing. “You’re here? In Malibu?”
“Yes, and the filming’s almost over. Just one more week after this break, and we’re done. I’ll be home for a while. I can be with you, hang with you, help out with the Academy, just to be with you. Please. Give me another chance.”
“I don’t know if I should, Astor, I’m going through a lot, and our relationship, your life complicates things.”
There’s a groan at the end of the phone. “Summer! I’m begging you. I won’t if I don’t think we can work this out. At least meet me, I have a present for you, and I want to see you to give you the present. I’ve kept it for so long.”
“Astor,” I say. “I don’t want presents from you if you have expectations…”
“I don’t, Summer. I give you stuff because I want to, and because I’m thinking of you when I bought it. It makes me happy, and making you happy makes me feel good.”
“Astor,” I say, “You’re so sweet and perfect.”
“No, I’m not, Summer. I’m not perfect. That’s why I need you. I want you. If you can see pass me as an actor, as some famous person, you’d see I have flaws just like everyone else. Maybe even bigger ones.”
I hesitate for a second. “Rachel’s ordering pizza. We don’t have a car, I can’t meet you until I can find a ride,” I say.
“I’ll come pick you up. I want to,” Astor says.
“Okay,” I smile into the phone. Astor’s so charming, and tries so hard to please me, I can’t not see him again. As much as I try to resist him, I can’t.
Turns out he’s right around the corner, at his parents’. He had flown back immediately after that interview on television, and had gone to his parents’ house in Malibu first, before making that call to me.
“Hi,” he says, when I open the door. He’s standing there in a white t-shirt that’s thin enough to show off his muscles, and dark brown cargo pants and sneakers. He’s worked out and buffed up more since I last saw him that now he’s no longer that thin good-looking teen actor on the television show, but a hot hunk of a guy in that blockbuster movie franchise. Looks like after Aunt Sookie’s death, he’s grown up, too, taking on more mature roles.
Rachel sneaks a peek as she’s walking by with a pizza and a coke in hand. The pizza boy beat Astor first to our house. Rachel does a double take and says, “wow,” before she heads to the kitchen.
“Summer,” Astor says, looking me up and down. I’m glad I changed out of the sweater and jeans that I was wearing while I was with Rachel at the Academy. I’m wearing a soft black lace on nude lining blouse and wearing black skinny jeans that tapers into spiky boots. “Wow,” he says. My hair is down around my face in soft waves, and I have some makeup on. Bold black eyeliner with dramatic lashes, and soft pink lips. Astor leans in and kisses me softly on my lips. It’s unexpected, and I’m surprised at first. He pulls back and cups my jaw with his hand, his thumb caressing my cheeks. He leans in again and kisses me more passionately this time, and when I kiss back, instinctively remembering how his mouth melds with mine, his tongue touches the inner corner of my mouth ever so softly running along the edges opening my mouth wider, until I’m about to moan.
“I miss this,” he says, pulling back, and placing his hands on the curve of my back, around my hips. He peeks inside the house and sees Rachel eating at the kitchen table, her hands busy texting. “Can we go somewhere where we can talk privately? I mean I like Rachel and all, but I really want to be alone with you.”
“Okay,” I say, feeling warm and fuzzy in his arms. “I’ll let Rachel know we’re heading out.”
Astor smiles into my face before kissing me again. “This is my real kiss, not my acting kiss, Summer,” he says. “I miss real kissing my girl. Miss being able to use my tongue on you to bring you pleasure.”
“Astor?” I blush into his kiss. “Why are you so sexy now?”
“Maybe I’ve always been, Summer, but you’re too much in love with Nat or Drew to see what I am,” he says that a little angrily.
“Astor…”
“Sorry,” he pulls back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. It just came out. I’m feeling so insecure around you, Summer. No one else makes me feel this way. I thought I was on top of the world when I got this lead in one of the biggest films this year, but when you broke up with me, I couldn’t care less that I was in this film. I just wanted to go home and be with you, to show you how much you mean to me.”
A car whizz by, and I realize we’re having this conversation on the doorway of my house. “Where did you want to go to talk?” I ask.
“I’d love to go to my place so we can be alone, completely, but I know you’re not expecting that right now.”
“Do you want to take a walk on the beach with me?” I ask.
Astor looks down at his clothes and says, “I’m not exactly dressed for that.” He touches the collar of my blouse and says, “Neither are you. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I say. “You’re not looking so bad yourself.”
Astor smiles. “I don’t want to waste any more time on deciding where to go. I want to spend as much time with you as I can. You’re too dressed up to have that go to waste. Come out with me to one my favorite restaurants. Then afterwards, we can go anywhere you’d like.”
I grab my coat, and he puts it on me, touching me slightly as he does so, sending shivers through me. It’s one thing to break up with Astor over the phone, but seeing him in person is another thing, and having him kiss me like that or touch me like this, makes me forget the reasons why I had broken up with him.
We head to his silver Audi, and I get in, while he shuts the passenger door. He is perfect, I admit, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what we all want, isn’t it? He smiles over as he turns on the engine, taking his hand to run it seductively up and down my thigh. “Before we forget, I brought you your birthday present,” he says, a little sad. “I was going to give it to you in person, but…” he swallows. I can see that he really was heartbroken when we broke up. “I hope you like it. I bought it a while back when I saw it and it reminded me of you.”
I take the little box in my hands and begin unwrapping it. When the bow came off, and a jewelry box appeared, I got a little nervous. Whatever it will be, it will be too much.
I hesitate, and Astor sighs. “Not this again. Summer, please open this gift I have for you. No, it’s not too much, and no, I don’t expect anything back from you for it.”
“Okay,” I open the jewelry box, and inside is a ticket stub. “Admissions One” it says.
I look expectantly at Astor. “What is it?”
“This is an Admissions Ticket to a special theater,” Astor says. “I had to pull some strings for this, but I did it. It’s to the vault of one of the studios where they have old footages and archived films. Apparently, your Aunt Sookie had several films that weren’t released by the studios. They’re good, too. I’ve seen some of them, but because of timing, conflict with other films they had releasing or something political like that, her films didn’t get released, but sat in the vault for a long time. You know how I love old films and television shows. There are some real talent in them. I pushed for some of the films to be made available on dvd or at least digital. I’ve even managed to set aside some of my earnings from this film to become partner with a company archiving this. I want the public to be able to see some of the talents and films that never made it to the screen, Summer. There are so many of them, including Aunt Sookie’s. And this, this ticket stub, is for you to go view the first of these we’re digitizing
, for the screen. It’s a way to see how talented your aunt really was. She told me about some of her films and how they never made it for release, and it made me curious enough to look for them. So here we are.”
I’m speechless. I don’t even know how to react. I feel so bad for breaking up with Astor and for resisting him, when here he is, doing so much for Aunt Sookie’s memory, and even starting a company to reflect that, that I’m torn with mixed feelings.
“What is it, Summer?” Astor asks. “I thought this is something you’ll be happy about, especially since it’s for Aunt Sookie.”
“Oh, Astor,” I say. “You are too good to be true.”
“I take it that you’re not unhappy about it,” Astor says.
“No, I’m overwhelmed by such a gift, Astor. It is too much, but that’s only because it’s such an amazing thing you’ve accomplished and are accomplishing. It makes me so proud to know you, to be your friend and to…”
“Friend?” Astor asks, his face breaking down into disappointment. “I hope I mean more to you than that, Summer. A lot more. You know how I feel about you, at least I hope you do.”
“Would you have done this for me, if we were just friends?” I ask.
Astor looks down and up again. “Yes,” he says. “That’s because I hold a lot of respect for your aunt, and two, because it’s something important to preserve, to do for everyone, for film in general, and history. Aunt Sookie taught me that. I’ve reached a level of success in my life, Summer, and I want to do something important with it.”
I smile then and say, “Thank you, Astor. This is by far, one of the most special and thoughtful gifts I’ve ever had.”
“Good,” Astor says, “because it’s so hard to top that one, to get you something meaningful to you.” He leans over to kiss me then, running his thumb along my jaw. “I can’t seem to get enough of kissing you,” he whispers hoarsely.
We keep kissing until my stomach growl, and he laughs softly. “Looks like we have to feed you, Summer. Let’s go.”
*****
Astor takes me to a place near his canyon home, a hidden away restaurant with a view of the city and the ocean away. He’s gotten much more famous than when I last saw him, and now everywhere we walk, there are constant glances at us and whispers.
A couple of young women approach our table, wanting a photo with him, which he obliged. Then there are a few more who asked for his autograph.
It was like that until the meal came, and we barely got any conversation in. Whatever private conversation we wanted had to be muted because it seems all eyes and ears were trained toward every movement and conversation we’ve had.
Near the end of the meal, Astor leans in and whispers into my ears. “I’m sorry about this, Summer. I thought this place wouldn’t be so packed, and it used to be just people I’ve seen here. Now it’s more touristy.”
“Or maybe you’re just more famous,” I joke.
“Or maybe because they can’t stop staring at the ravishingly beautiful girl I’m with,” he says, smiling into my eyes.
I smile and look down. His eyes seem to want to communicate much more to me than I’m ready for.
“Summer,” Astor’s voice is soft but serious. “I want to say how sorry I am about what happened with the car and the vandalism at the Academy. I have a nagging suspicion it’s from some fans who think you’re the bad guy in the relationship, that you broke my heart and you’re to blame for me being so sad lately.”
I take Astor’s hand in mine and hold it tightly. “Astor, if you were the one to encourage your fans to stalk me, to write those horrible things about me and post it all over the internet, that’s one thing, and I know there are some famous people who would, but you don’t encourage that. You’re such a giving person, and your success comes from hard work not from bashing other people, including exes and rivals. I would never blame you for what happened to me, but at the same time, Astor, I know your fans love you and want you happy. I’m just not sure if I can make you happy.”
“Summer,” Astor is squeezing my hands now. “Don’t say that. I’m happy being with you. You don’t have to make me happy, and I’m not expecting you to. No one person can make another person happy. That comes from within. I know that, and I know what you’re going through is a lot to handle right now.” He pauses and licks his lips. “I don’t want to put you through any danger or any hurt anymore. And if being seen with me, being photographed with me, or dating me will put you in harm’s way, maybe I should stay away from you…maybe I have to, to keep you safe.” His eyes begin to glisten, and I know he’s tearing up.
“Astor…”
“Summer,” he leans in close. “I’m doing this because I love you so much, and I don’t want you to get hurt. When I heard about your car being broken into and the windshield shattered and then the Academy vandalized like that with those hateful words aimed at you, from Rachel this afternoon, I knew I had to put a stop to it. Whatever I can do to help.”
So he knows about all the harassment I’ve faced. I have to love Rachel for that.
He takes a sip from his glass of water and continues. “I want so much from this relationship, and at the same time I’m so sorry I wasn’t there all the time, everyday for you when you needed me to be, after your aunt passed. I’m thrilled with how well my career is doing, but I’m agonizing how it’s affected you and us. It takes some sacrifices on both our parts to be together right now. I want to be with you so badly. I want to share with you all these amazing experiences I’m experiencing, yet I know you have your obligations and can’t drop everything for me just to be with me.”
“Neither can I expect that from you,” I say. “To drop everything you’re doing to fly back so you can take care of me and be with me whenever you want.”
“We’re still so young,” Astor says. “I’m barely out of my teens, and you’re still in school…”
“I’ve finished with school just last week, “I say. “Graduated early so I can go to college earlier, but yeah, eighteen is still young.”
Astor’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. “Oh Summer,” he pulls me in close to kiss me, despite the looks around us. “I’m so proud of you.”
I smile happily. It is something to be proud of, finishing high school, and starting college.
Astor looks thoughtful then. “So you’re free? You don’t have to be here all the time?”
“I have the Academy to run, and I’ll be attending USC,” I say.
“That’s where I want to go for film school,” Astor says. “Maybe after a few more films I’ll go back and get a college degree, become a director or start my own production company.”
“That’s a good option to keep open,” I say.
“But I want to keep another one open,” Astor says. “I want us to be another option. Maybe not now, but someday in the near future, we can be together. When my career gets less crazy or when you can find someone to help manage the Academy for you.”
My stomach scrunches up, and although I know what he’s saying, and I agree with him, I can’t help feeling incredibly sad. My eyes begin tearing up then, and I reach out for my napkin to wipe the corners of my eyes, but his hand covers mine. He holds my hand for a while just staring at it.
“I don’t know if I can go through with what I’d planned,” he says.
I’m a little confused too because I thought he wanted to get back together with me, to talk, but now it seems he’s the one breaking up with me.
“Astor, I look at him directly in the eye. “What’s going on?”
He looks away and then at my hand again, taking his finger to trace circles on my hand, wanting to entwine his fingers into mine. I can see the ache in his face, his jaws are clenched tighter, and his eyes are burning. This isn’t the laid back mild-mannered star that’s portrayed for millions to see on television or in films. This is Astor, as real as he gets. He finally gives in and entwines his fingers into mine, bringing my hand up to his lips to place a kiss on it.
Then he holds my hand against his cheeks as he rubs into it, craving affection from the touch. My heart goes out to him, and I want to lean in to hug him.
“Summer, I come from a family consisting of a single mother, who was very young when she had me. I had to grow up fast because there were no parents around when I was younger. Mom had to work a couple of jobs just to make ends meet, and I have no idea who my real father was. So when I was twelve, and an agent discovered me at school for a casting of a kid’s show, it was a big break for my mother and me. It opened doors, brought food to the table, and enabled my mother to live a little besides working all the time. Eventually, she remarried, and she’s been with my step-dad ever since. But this acting thing…it’s the only thing I know. It’s the only way I know to make a living. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Only…now, it’s become something that’s standing in the way of me being with you, and I want to be with you. But I can’t. I have so many people relying on me now for their living, and if I fail and step away from all that, I’ll put some families out on the streets because they’re relying on me to keep acting. I feel stuck, but I also feel there’s a way. But that way is going to hurt, and I’m not prepared to do it that way because I don’t want to give you up. I’ve had dreams of us, you know.”
He grips my hand so hard now, it’s beginning to hurt. He says, “I dream of us together all the time, traveling the world, making wild passionate love in all the places we go to, learning about life together, learning about each other, teaching acting, working with kids from underprivileged places, helping them gain confidence in themselves, big dreams like that.” He lessens his grip on my hand now. “Together. Same dreams. Same goals. I haven’t found anyone, any other girl who feels about certain things as passionately as I do. I haven’t found any other girl who can make me feel so vulnerable and insecure and crazy and happy at the same time as you do. But in order to do what both of us need to do, to accomplish our tasks and obligations now so we can do the other dreams later, then I’ll have to give you up. It tears me apart, and I know if I keep going, seeing you, wanting you, it’ll be harder for both of us now. So, Summer…”