“Of course he's not mad at you!” I replied with a smile, “And what does he need his cellphone for, anyway? How did you break it?”
“I dropped it in the potty. He was letting me play with it. I was pretending that I was calling Jackie and I tripped over my shoelace. It fell in the potty.”
“Oh.” I couldn't help but chuckle softly.
“Do you think Jackie is here?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you think Mommy is here somewhere? I thought I saw her the other day but it was just a lady who told me to go away and to tell my daddy he was a mean man!” She mimicked the woman by raising her voice, putting one hand on her hip and wagging her finger at me. I found her impression to be amusing but the fact that a woman had said such a cruel thing to Penny made me angry. Our father's actions were in no way my five year old sister's fault and it was certainly not her responsibility to deliver messages of discontent.
While I had been walking through the campsite with Nick, I had been well aware of the hateful glances that were being thrown my way. Of course, no one said anything out of fear that I would report back to my father. If I did that, their food and water would be kept from them, most definitely. In actuality, though, I wouldn't have said anything to him, of course. I would have handled it myself.
“Mommy will be here soon.” I lied uselessly. Penny may have been only five but she was still apt to tell a lie from the truth. It's at that age that children begin to see through the farces of adults. The lies we tell them become nothing more than an inconvenient roadblock they have to hurtle over in order to reach the truth.
“Did Mommy stay on Earth?” She asked me and immediately, her huge blue eyes filled with tears.
“No!” I reached out and embraced her quickly. “Of course not! She's here somewhere, honey. We just haven't found her yet. As soon as we find Brynna, we'll all go out and find her. We'll have her back with us in no time.”
“Will Maura and Daddy come find us?” She croaked out through her tears.
“Yes. They're meeting us soon.”
I was digging the hole deeper for her. I was doing her absolutely no good by continuing that charade of optimism. But I couldn't break her little heart. I would leave that task to Brynna. Penny was still so young and Brynna allowed her emotions to flow unchecked. Despite how uncomfortable outpourings of grief made her, Brynna was able to comfort Penny more swiftly and effectively than anyone else alive. Our mother's death would be the first bombshell. Dad and Maura's subsequent abandonment would be the second. I did not envy Brynna's position in the slightest.
If I had been stronger, I would have taken that responsibility from her. I would have told Penny myself to spare Brynna from having to inflict such pain on our sister.
I was stunned at how quickly my anger had dissipated. I had truly hated Brynna during our time on the ship. After I had learned that she had left our parents to die, the only reasonable reaction was to loathe the very sight of her. It took seeing my father behave so brutally towards her for me to understand that if she had felt it was right to leave him, she had certainly had her reasons. Her relationship with my mother had been one of quiet hatred. At first, it had been one-sided; my mother began to hate Brynna the day my younger brother died. As her animosity grew, Brynna's defenses went up. Part of her defensive strategy was to hate my mother back. The mutual loathing spared her the pain of bearing my mother's punishment, which consisted of cruel and unbreakable silence followed by periods of harsh verbal abuse.
Our parents had decided to have Penny eight years after my younger brother was dead and buried. Even at twelve, I was well aware that Penny was meant to fill the void left by Lucien. But after she was born, Mom and Dad weren't satisfied. Their old, still-stinging grief was not rectified by the angelic baby girl. The brunt of the responsibility the baby presented fell on Brynna's seventeen year old shoulders because Brynna had insisted on caring for Penny herself. During the day, we had gone to school. Maura would feed and change Penny. At night, Brynna came home and became Penny’s mom. Everything she had needed to know about child-rearing she had learned from some parenting book with a really long title.
“I can teach myself to do anything.” She had told me proudly one night as she expertly swaddled Penny, who was crying hysterically despite being fed, changed and cuddled. “See? I saw this in that book. It really does work!”
Penny had stopped crying almost immediately after she was wrapped tightly in the blanket.
“You're so smart, Brynna!” I had told her with the pride and admiration that is ever present in younger siblings.
Our mother poked her head in frequently. But when she found Penny asleep or content with Brynna, she would slink back into her bedroom and drink herself to sleep or into a stupor.
I could understand Mom's grief, even then. Her feelings had never changed towards Elijah or me. But her maternal feelings towards Brynna were broken, irreparably, and towards Penny, they were never formed. She had observed her growing belly with sadness in her eyes, as though the expansion was a malignant stomach tumor, not a child. Her rages and fits of tears had forced my father to lock her in their room. After Lucien died, she had taken a long vacation from work that left her feeling restless and ready to return. Working didn’t heal the wounds but it certainly bandaged them.
After she got pregnant with Penny so many years later, though, she wanted nothing more than to shut herself away, hiding from the eyes of the world that would see how terribly she regretted ever conceiving her.
I had no reason besides her treatment of my sisters to create such an anger in me. But that reason was enough.
Once, when Penny was three and Brynna was turning twenty, our mother had stumbled into the room. Brynna had come home to visit with Penny, as she did every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Normally, she left before my mom and dad came home from work or their recreational time out. But that night, my mom had returned early. After seeing Brynna, she shook her head, sighed in disgust and went upstairs.
Brynna ignored Mom completely and continued to show Penny how to write uppercase letters. Maura was in the background, cooking dinner and looking over her shoulder at us every few seconds. I was leaned over my schoolbooks, looking up at Brynna and trying to remember how to spell the word “catastrophe.”
“Are you going to stay awake this time, Brynna?” My mother had slurred at her cruelly after making her grand re-entrance into the room.
“Mom, why are you walking like that?” I had asked her innocently before gasping in horror, “Are you drunk?!”
I had never been aware of her drinking habits before but watching as she tripped over herself displayed them clearly to me.
“Shh!” She snapped as she pointed at me. “Should I sit here and watch? Make sure you don't kill another one of my kids?”
I didn't understand. I started to cry.
“Mom, stop!” I begged as I wiped at my eyes.
“Mrs. Olivier, you need to go back to your room.” Maura had told her. Even after twenty-two years, Maura had insisted on calling her “Mrs. Olivier.” Maura was even a few years older than my mom and yet she still called her by our last name. That had always confused me.
“Don't tell me what I need to do! I need to protect my little girl!” She had run her hands sloppily down the back of my hair and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. “You shouldn't be alone with her, honey. She killed your brother! She killed him when she fell asleep! So selfish! My little boy!” She broke down into a drunken fit of hysterics so shameful, I'm surprised Brynna didn't slap her. “I don't care what happened to you! I don't care if it was ten men...”
“Walk away, Mother.”
Brynna had only just begun to call our mom “Mother.”
“My Lucien is dead! My baby! Everyone knew…” She sniffed and breathed heavily. “Everyone knew he was my favorite! He was my baby! I miss him. Every year, I’ve thought that it will get better. But I still miss him so much.” She raised her voice to a
vicious shout. “It should have been you! I wouldn't have cared at all, Brynna Claire!”
I couldn't understand how she could say such terrible things. I was in the dark as to what she was alluding to when she had said “ten men.” But there was little interpretation needed to understand the implications of the other words she was saying. I didn't want Brynna to die, especially after losing Lucien years earlier. So, I put my face in my hands and cried harder.
“Take your homework into the living room, darling,” Maura closed my books and packed them into my bag, “Brynn will be in to help you in just a second.”
“I will, Vi. Go on.” Brynna had agreed with a small, reassuring smile.
She was distracted instantly when my mother reached out and grabbed both of Penny's tiny hands. Brynna's eyes flashed with a rage we had all become very familiar with over the years.
“Get off of her!” She barked so loudly that I had to cover my ears.
Upon seeing the terrifyingly furious look on Brynna’s face, Mom had released her grip on Penny.
“You wouldn't even be here if he had lived!” Mom slurred in Penny’s face as tears fell freely from her eyes. “I wouldn't have bothered with you! I wouldn't have wanted you! I didn’t want you! Your daddy...” She said the word with such awful contempt, “made me have you! He wanted another son like Lucien! You wouldn't even be here if your brother hadn't died!”
Penny was more afraid of that outburst than I was. I suddenly understood that my mother wasn't herself. When Maura engaged in the same reckless imbibing, I understood the same. But Penny had no idea. Remembering it, I felt a harsh pang of pity for her.
Brynna understood it perfectly, too. She didn't excuse my mother's childish behavior or Maura's, be it alcohol-induced or not. She didn't hold with excusing the cruelty of two fully grown, supposedly mature women.
At my mother's words, she allowed herself to snap. Her human frailty overcame her ability to suppress every last flicker of emotion that crossed her dying heart. Tears leaked from my eyes as I remembered the look on her face as she brought her hand back. Then, without hesitation, she slammed it hard across my mother's face. The look was not one of malicious, revenge-seeking fury. It was one of deep heartbreak and also, undiluted fear.
The moment Mom hit the ground, Maura grabbed Brynna and pushed her away before she could engage in any more violent behavior that would drive my mother to have her committed or worse. But Brynna pushed past her and pulled our frail, sobbing mother off of the ground. I had cried harder when I had seen the blood streaming down Mom’s face.
“You say whatever shit you want to me but if you say something like that to her again, I will break your neck! Do you understand me?!”
“Brynna!” Maura had screamed at her as she reached out and tried to pull her away from Mom again. Brynna shook her off easily.
“You're the devil!” My mother had shrieked in rage as Brynna pulled her onto her feet by putting one of Mom's arms around her neck. “Satan! You're possessed! I should let your father kill you!”
“Alright...” Brynna had replied as she walked Mom out the room delicately. “Just be quiet and hold onto me. Maura, she will need some ice. Could you bring her some?”
Why had that memory crept up on me? Why had it been so clear? I was attempting to remain level-headed and emotionless for Penny's sake and even partly for Elijah's. Yet there I was, crying right along with my little sister. The cruelty of my mother in that reminiscence remedied my grief, at the very least. But my grief evaporating had left an empty hole that was filled only with a toxic hatred that I knew Brynna had been carrying for well over twelve years.
I hated all three of them for her sake. Elijah had accused me of still being so young. But the sudden loathing of my parents and Maura was proof that I was growing up far quicker than even I could have imagined.
I had seen them as being nothing short of God-like before. Now, I was beginning to understand that my three parental figures resided at the other end of the theological spectrum. Perhaps they weren't at the very end. But they certainly were close. Brynna, whom I had begun to demonize after overhearing Maura, Dad and Mom doing it for so long, was working her way back to the top.
I hated that one day Penny would have to experience that same upheaval of every belief she ever held on the people she loved.
Hopefully, if we were lucky, she would forget them. She would never grow to hate them because they would simply disappear.
After all of this time, I know that wish has been granted. Believe me when I say that it brings me no joy.
Brynna
I was becoming more and more frantic, though those in my party never knew of my internal storm. The forest around us held a presence that we could not see. Besides the years of events that those old trees had seen, some other conversation was occurring between them. I felt unsafe suddenly and certainly not alone. There was something moving amongst those woods, watching us.
Whatever that unknown, malevolent force was could have claimed my brother and sisters. I would scarcely be aware, even with enhanced instincts and all-knowing perception.
I stopped walking and sat on the ground, leaning forward to put my face against my knees.
Just breathe, my mind urged as my heart pounded, Just keep breathing, Brynna.
“Alright…” James was kneeling in front of me and rubbing my arms, “Baby, we’re going to find them. I promise you, we’ll come across them any minute now.”
The eyes of Alice and Quinn were turned away from us. I could afford one fleeting moment of weakness while they looked off in the distance for any signs of movement. I flung my arms around James’s middle and pressed my cheek to his strong chest. His arms wrapped around my neck and his lips pressed to my forehead.
“It’s okay. They’re not looking, sweetheart.” He told me softly when I went to pull away. With that reassurance, I grabbed a hold of him again even more tightly than I had before. “You’re allowed to be afraid, Brynn. I know that you don’t think you are but anyone would be afraid right now.”
I shook my head. I trusted James’s judgment and appreciated his acceptance of my temporary descent into emotional madness but I would not allow myself to succumb to the raging war of feeling. I had to remain clear-headed and ready to fight. He believed that my show of emotion was normal but I disagreed. It was not something I had ever allowed in myself before. It was an inconvenience we could not afford.
I pulled away from him, letting him grasp my hands so he could pull me to my feet. I swayed slightly as dizziness twirled my brain in hastened circles. I grasped him to steady myself and my brows furrowed as I squeezed his biceps.
“You are totally lifting weights!” I accused him with a large smile that was very uncharacteristic of me, “You were thin before. You certainly did not have these…” I squeezed his muscles again. “Believe me, I would have noticed. Despite my adherence to emphasizing physical attractiveness when searching for a mate, I do still look.”
“So you were checking me out?”
The anxiety brewing in my chest calmed as my smile grew. I balled up my fist and hit him lightly in the chest as his arm wrapped around my shoulders. He chuckled softly, a sound that filled my ears with that glow I was so used to by then.
“I don’t know what exactly is happening to me. But I’m liking it.” He said, “Did I tell you I picked up a rock the size of a Volvo and moved it the other day?”
“You did not!” I exclaimed as I grasped his hand in both of mine.
“I did. You think I’m kidding. But I am being completely serious. It’s not like I’m eating a lot, either. I don’t know where this is coming from but I definitely like it.”
“Do you think it’s the mutation?”
“I know it is. What else could it be?”
“Well, I love it. I thought you were quite good-looking when we first met. Though, if I am being honest, you were very thin.”
“I was. I hadn’t been feeling too well after I had that dream. F
ood repulsed me, to put it lightly.”
“Well, the fate of our kind rested on your scrawny shoulders. You will be forgiven for not wanting to eat.”
“Okay, I wasn’t scrawny!” He protested.
“You were. You looked slightly ill, if I am still being frank.”
“When have you ever not been frank?”
“There were times. But now, I see no use in holding back honesty to spare feelings. It was something that developed as I aged, I suppose. It was part of my strange maturity.”
“Your maturity is very strange. It’s also the reason why I can easily justify having a relationship with you when you’re still so young.”
“Well, I am an adult, by the old world standards.”
“I know. But you’re also so mature. I’m truly shocked that someone as beautiful as you would want to be with someone my age. You said you never had a lot of ‘suitors’ and I don’t really understand why.”
“Elijah told you. I scared them away by being who I am.”
“Well, you don’t scare me.”
“Despite my best efforts. You know that I certainly tried to scare you away.”
“I know you did. But I was never afraid of you. I knew, and still do know, that beneath all of that disdain and animosity, you have a good heart. You have a great heart, actually.”
“And beneath all of your apathy and arrogance, you have the kindest heart I have seen. I have never been able to trust someone the way I trust you. Keep that in mind, if ever I start to pull away. In fact, remind me that I said that.”
He kissed me and replied, “I will.”
Apparently, a crushingly dense forest is a proper setting for heavy emotional discussions. Alice and Quinn were walking ahead of us, muttering to each other quietly so James and I could not hear. Their body language conveyed their tension and anger. It would not dissipate any time soon.
“It’s just a young person thing. In his heart, he knows he’s wrong. They’re reluctant to admit that their relationship has to last forever. That’s not true, of course. They can separate any time they want,” James explained as we studied them, “But that will be harder than it would have been, if the world was still right. She’s his last link to home and vice-versa.”
The Shattered Genesis (Eternity) Page 36