"Until we don't." I imagine us struggling to make things work, the tears, me trying, but my inability to cope and ruining everything.
"And if it doesn't work, then he was never the right guy to begin with."
I stare out the window at the street below. A woman hops into a cab and races away. "Or maybe put myself out of my misery now. Why go through all this, just to end up alone in the end?"
"Seriously, Chelsea. You need to get a grip. I wish I could keep talking this through, but I've got a work dinner I have to get to."
I force myself away from the window. "I'm sorry. I've taken up too much of your time."
"You know I don't mind. But promise me you won't freak out and run off on him. He deserves better."
And why am I tempted to do just that? What's wrong with me? I never used to act like this. I think it's because I haven't loved someone as fiercely as I love Tom in very long time. He's become everything to me, and the reality that we're moving into a new part of our relationship, and he'll be living on the other side of the continent with new people, terrifies me.
"I won't," I finally say, partly because I promised Tom that I'd never bolt again. I'd talk to him first.
I spend the evening thinking through every scenario of how things could go down for Tom and I. What if his movie is a hit and he gets more movies and has to be gone all the time? How many more Broadway shows will be out of town for months at a time? Even if we get through this time, can we make it through the next? And how am I supposed to hold myself together each time that door closes behind him? A hurricane of emotion battles my heart. I can't figure out how to do this without becoming a psychotic mess.
When he arrives home, I'm in bed because I'm afraid to face him in the light. "How was the show?" I ask as though it's any other night.
"Good. You know, now that I'm down to the last couple, I savor each one. I can't believe I'm actually leaving. This one is gonna hurt."
"I know." I answer, cupping his sweet face. I want him to know how bad I feel, but I don't know how to put it into words.
We make love, gently at first. I watch how his body moves with each breath he takes. Our eyes meet. His lids are heavy and his pupils dark with desire. He presses his hips to mine in a circular motion that nearly ruins me. And then our lovemaking turns urgent and desperate. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his back. Our passion is both heaven and hell as my mind wreaks havoc on our future.
I can't be the girl he deserves. I'm broken and damaged and unable to hang on to love. After we cry out our release, I roll away to hide my tears.
Tom is right there caressing my hair. "What's wrong?"
"I guess I'm really emotional today. Lots of changes. I'll be fine." I try to keep the pain out of my voice. Our time together has gone so fast, and like a dream, it could never last.
"I love you." He kisses my temple. "There's a lot going on right now, but it's all good." He settles his arms around me and falls asleep as tears silently dampen my pillow.
46
We're picking up a few groceries at the market. Tom holds up a package of sushi. I wrinkle my nose and go back to pretending to read the back of a paperback. No reason to buy the large package for only one person to eat. This is turning out to be the longest day of my life.
Tom takes the basket to check out. He's been so stressed trying to figure out his job offers that he hasn't noticed my turmoil, which is a relief. The checker scans the items while I wait quietly.
"Is everything okay?" He asks.
I try to smile, but it comes off as pained.
His brow furrows. "What is it?"
"Not here," I say as the clerk finishes.
He frowns and collects one bag by the cloth handle and I take the other. We step outside into the brisk air and leaden sky. He watches me closely, wondering what I'm thinking. I'm going to have to tell him sooner than planned. As we walk back to his place, I try to find the right words, but can't, so I remain silent.
"Please, Chelsea. You've got to talk to me."
I nod.
We reach a stoplight and pause for the walk sign. He holds my gaze, worried and waiting for an answer.
"I don't want to upset you before your show." I stare at the pavement.
He goes still. "Are you leaving me?"
I blink. The light changes and the people around us walk, but Tom is anchored in place.
I sigh with guilty resignation.
His expression is disbelief and then anger. "You were going to evaporate into thin air again?" He storms across the street.
I rush to catch up. "I was going to tell you first!"
"Well, that's just smashing!" He continues down the block than turns abruptly and stops. "Why?" He implores. "I thought we were good. No, I thought we were great."
I swallow, my mouth gone dry. He searches my tortured face for answers I don't want to give. Finally I breathe the words in a whisper, "You'll be leaving. You'll always be leaving."
He takes my arm. "I'm not leaving you. I'm leaving for work, and I will always come back."
"But we don't know that for certain. Things could change and you’ll move on.”
He shakes his head, as if he doesn’t understand.
“Don’t you see? I'm a train wreck. I'm scarred. It's better if I end it now because you deserve so much better," I say.
"I deserve you."
I disagree, but it makes no difference. He'd be better off without me. We walk again. And my heart is breaking even though I know this is for the best.
“There's got to be more going on here. Do you want me to quit acting? Is that it?"
I'm horrified. "God, no! I would never forgive myself if you quit."
He seems relieved to hear that. "But you can't be with me if I don't?"
"I, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. These past months have been the best of my life, but I don't know how to cope in a relationship where the person I love is constantly leaving me. It's like living a nightmare on repeat. And I've always been bad at relationships. This is nothing new."
"That's total bullshit and you know it."
But it's not. It's my truth. "Maybe this break up will be good. You'll realize I'm a pain in the ass and find someone less messed up."
He cups my face with a gloved hand. "I love you, hot mess and all."
I step back. "Maybe I'm like my dad and will always hurt the ones who love me."
"You're nothing like him," He snaps. "You're just hurting and not thinking straight." We reach the apartment. The sky decides to open up and add freezing sleet to the mix. "And when were you planning on going?"
I'm silent for a moment my eyes connect with his and I well up with tears. "Tonight, while you’re at your show."
His mouth drops open and he takes a step back. "That's just grand. Well, guess what? I won't let you."
I sigh and say softly, "You can't stop me."
"Bloody hell, watch me!" He pushes his grocery bag into my arms and while I fumble not to drop it, he pulls off his gloves and digs into my purse.
"What are you doing?"
"Where are your keys?" He demands, searching through the contents.
"Stop. They're not in there."
He keeps looking anyway. "Where are they?" He yells as sleet pelts us both.
I flinch having never seen him like this. He's desperate and pissed. "In my coat pocket, but—
Before I can react, he slides his hand into my pocket and snatches my keys. I'm holding all the groceries, so I can't stop him. He gives me a pointed nod and stalks away from our apartment building.
"Where are you going?" I chase after him.
"You can't leave if you can't get your things." He picks up his pace and I'm forced to follow, the groceries jostling in my arms.
"Tom, Are you out of your mind? Give me back my keys."
"No." He dodges a car when crossing against the walk sign. "I don't know how I let things get to this place again, but I need to fix it for once and for all."
>
I catch up, my steps sync with his. "Tom. It's not you. Don't you see? It's me. I'm broken."
He stops. "I don't care about that." He continues walking, putting distance between us and the apartment. "Do you know how long I've been searching for you?"
I stare at him, confused and unsure of myself. "But I'm a dysfunctional disaster."
A delivery truck blasts its horn as it turns in front of us. He catches my arm and pulls me to safety as it motors past. I shake my head and we cross at a more steady pace.
"You've just been knocked down a lot. Every time you gain momentum, something happens. I curse all the bad luck and dark bastards that have hurt you, but you're letting your fears drive you into making a terrible decision."
But it doesn't matter. I'm not good for him. "Maybe we just used up all the good stuff and it's time to say goodbye," I say.
He stops in front of a Laundromat and takes me by the shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Answer me one question. And be honest. Do you love me?"
I tear up. "I'll always love you."
He sighs in relief and smiles as if everything will be all right, but it won't. "That doesn't mean we can survive my neurosis. My father broke my family. I don't know how to stay in a healthy relationship. And even though I love you, it will never be enough."
He laughs. "All those flaws of yours, that's what makes you special and real. And no matter how intense I get about work, or obsessive in my habits, you accept me, and support me with a fierceness that makes me feel invincible. Let me be that for you."
Tom's declarations have me wavering. I thought I knew what was right for both of us. And now I don't know what to do.
"I've been a fool to put this off for so long. I was trying to find the perfect moment." In the middle of the bustling sidewalk, with icy sleet coming down, he removes his hat and bends down on one knee. He pulls something from his pocket.
A delicate ring is nestled between his thumb and forefinger. I gasp.
He presents it, watching me expectantly as people push past.
"You have a ring!"
"I do." He smiles, all signs of his earlier frustration gone.
I stare at the delicate vines etched around the antique band and the sparkling solitaire. My mind flits to a million thoughts at once, but instead of saying something normal, I blurt, "Where did you get that?"
He chuckles.
I glance around nervously. "Because people don't walk around with expensive looking rings in their pocket."
"My grandmother." His eyes don't leave my face as his hand is outstretched before me, offering me the world.
People push by, annoyed at the traffic jam we've created. Others stop to watch. I lower the grocery bags to the pavement. "Does she know you have it?" I ask in a shaky voice.
He grins. "Yes, she wanted me to give it to my future wife."
Wife? For real? I cover my mouth. His eyes twinkle with humor.
"I asked her for it when I went home."
My jaw drops. He's known that long?
"I've been carrying this ring in my pocket for two weeks. I've been trying to think of the perfect time and place to ask you to be my wife. Proposing on the sidewalk in front of a grungy Laundromat in a cold rain wasn’t part of the plan.” A bus roars by and a cab lays on his horn as if to drive home his point. “But the fact is, it doesn't matter where we are, only that we're together."
He gazes at me with tender devotion. "Chelsea, marry me. Spend your life with me. We will overcome any obstacles that come our way, and I will love you until my last breath."
There's such hope on his handsome face. His blue eyes gleam despite the sleet. My mind battles itself. I was poised to move on in order to end my fears of being left behind, unloved, but here he is offering me more than I could dare dream for.
"Are you sure?"
I hear laughter and glance up. There is a growing crowd watching him on bended knee. A couple have their phones aimed at us recording this moment.
Tom smiles. "I've never been more certain of anything in my life."
"But I'm broken. I'm no good for you," I utter in an emotional whisper.
"No, you're not. You're just scared and together we'll fix that."
"Promise? Because I hate being this way."
"I promise," he says, so sincerely, and then there's a devilish twinkle in his eye. "And I also promise you passion. The sexy smexy kind." He grins.
I giggle, and at that moment my fears are pushed away by the swell of love in my heart. "Yes, yes, yes," I say reaching for him.
He rises and pulls me into his arms, kissing my lips and face. He holds me away, takes my left hand, and slips off my glove. Our eyes meet.
My hands are shaking, overwhelmed that I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.
He gently slides the ring onto my finger and I feel part of something special and important. "It's breathtaking."
He raises my hand to his lips and kisses it. "You have made me the happiest man in the universe."
"I love you so much." More than anyone in the world and he's brave enough to take me on.
I step into his arms and there's applause. I peek at Tom and smile.
Note from the Author
I’ve been in love with musicals since my first Broadway show, A Chorus Line. The talent of the performers and their ability to create magic each and every show still leaves me in awe.
The idea for this book came unexpectedly one evening while watching the Tony Awards. I eagerly devoured each performance, award, and speech; and then a single actor took the spotlight, standing alone in the aisle, surrounded by the elite of Broadway in the audience. As he performed and made his way to the stage, his ease and vulnerability caught my attention in a way the other numbers had not. I saw beyond the performer to the individual who stood alone before a worldwide audience baring his sole. I was dumbstruck not only by the talent, but by the nerve it took to get up on that stage and belt out the money notes. As I rewound the performance, a story was born.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for reading If Ever. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! If you loved this book, I’d really appreciate it if you’d leave a review, no matter how brief, on Amazon or Goodreads. Every review is valuable in helping other readers cover this book.
I’d love to hear from you! Come say hi on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.
Wishing you all the best,
~Angie Stanton
Acknowledgements
During the research and writing of this book, I was lucky to speak with a number of Broadway actors. An enormous standing ovation to the following:
Michael Park (Dear Evan Hanson, Tuck Everlasting)
Carrie St. Louis (Wicked, Rock of Ages)
and Matthew James Thomas (Pippin, Spiderman)
Writing a book is much like casting and directing a musical. It takes a team of people–most of whom work behind the scenes. Here are a few of the unsung ensemble players who contributed: Kat Abbott, Andrew Abrams, Deb Barkelar, Valerie Biel, Scott Bowne, Keno Garcia, Kris Hebel, Joanna Hinsey, Killian McRae, Linda Schmalz, SL Scott, Marcie Vaage, and Margo Zimmerman.
About the Author
Angie Stanton is a life-long daydreamer who grew up with her hands on a book and her head in the clouds. As an adult, she’s put her talent to use writing contemporary fiction about life, love, and the adventures that follow.
Angie is the bestselling author of nine novels. Her work has been translated into French, German, and Bulgarian. All of her books have been Amazon top 100 bestsellers, and Love ‘em or Leave ‘em was a double finalist in the National Readers’ Choice Awards. Angie has a journalism degree from the University of Wisconsin.
In her spare time, Angie sneaks off to New York City to enjoy the best live entertainment experience on earth, Broadway. She is currently working on another Broadway-themed book and is a contributing writer to Broadway World.
For more information on bestselling author Angie
Stanton:
www.angiestanton.com
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Also by Angie Stanton
Waking in Time
Love ’em or Leave ‘em
Snowed Over
Dream Chaser
Royally Lost
The Jamieson Collection
Rock and a Hard Place
Snapshot
Under the Spotlight
If you enjoyed If Ever, try…
Dream Chaser
Willow Thomas has a habit of running away from things that scare her. And most recently, she quit her high school cheerleading squad after a terrifying fall.
With time on her hands, she auditions for a musical production directed by a Broadway choreographer. Just as things are looking up, Willow discovers she will be performing opposite Eli McAvoy, the best friend she abandoned three years before. To make matters worse, the kids in the musical hate her, her singing sucks, and her dog is sick.
Eli has grown up during their years apart and now possesses confidence and good looks, as well as a giant chip on his shoulder. He is in no hurry to play nice with Willow, but their entwined roles in the musical lead to entwined bodies in the backseat of his car.
Just when Willow finally has her life under control, another surprise is delivered in the form of her greatest challenge yet. Will she run or finally stand and face her fears? And will Eli be there to help or turn his back on her for good?
Please enjoy a short excerpt from Angie’s epic time-jumping romance:
Waking in Time
If Ever Page 33