Stuff White People Like

by Christian Lander

  If a white person can stick around long enough, the nonprofit organization can eventually become a lucrative position. This is because nonprofits retain their top executives by paying a salary competitive with similar positions in other industries. So you can be working at a nonprofit and still make six figures, and you don’t have accountability or pressure. White people can’t lose!

  13 Tea

  It is a known fact that white people consume, on average, 25 different teas in a given year.

  Back in the old days, white people would go all over the world to get teas from places like India and Sri Lanka. All of a sudden, white people were into tea. But as we moved forward, white people were like, “Man, one kind of tea is not enough, we need more.” And now people are into green tea, chamomile, chai, white tea, red tea, jasmine tea, oolong tea, black tea, orange pekoe, and other specialty varieties. They are even opening stores and websites devoted to sending white people all sorts of tea.

  If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, acceptable things to say include “I’m really into tea right now” or “My favorite thing is to get a nice cup of tea and curl up in a chair with a good book.” But do not remind them about the role of colonialism in tea, it will make them feel sad.

  14 Having Black Friends

  Much has been made about the way that white people adore all aspects of black culture and history. These days the majority of hip-hop, jazz, blues, and African-American history fans are actually white people. Ask white people about Cornel West and they might be moved to tears of respect (very rare). So it comes as no surprise that white people love having black friends. They serve many valuable functions.

  The most important role that black friends can play in white culture is that they can be used as physical evidence that white people are not racist. Did you know that if you are able to acquire a friend of every race then you are officially designated as the least racist person on earth? Though this is impossible, white people treat it the same way that Buddhists view enlightenment—unattainable, but with great virtue in the attempt.

  Black friends can also be used to confirm that a white person is knowledgeable about African-American culture. Many white people are constantly striving to be recognized as experts, and many consider it a life achievement to be befriended and acknowledged by a black person. But note, do not dole out your praise like piñata candy. Once white people have achieved this goal, they will be more difficult to manipulate. So it is best to tease them with little bits of praise, balanced with a few barbs. “I have to hand it to you for putting KRS-One on that party mix. I mean, you went with a pretty well-known song, but still, good job.”

  Also note that all white people fantasize about being brought to an authentic “African-American” experience such as a Baptist church or a barbecue restaurant in a neighborhood that they are afraid of.

  Finally, an abundance of black friends (defined in white culture as two) also enables a white person to be the resident expert on African-American issues when there are no black people around.

  Moving beyond friendship, some white people actively seek out opportunities to begin romantic relationships with black people. Dating, marrying, and subsequently having a child with a black person is considered one of the greatest things a white person can do. It delivers a lifetime of opportunities to get offended and feel superior to friends with white children, but still ranks slightly behind Adopting Foreign Children (#133).

  15 Yoga

  Though its roots are in India, the global tree of yoga has most of its branches in rich white neighborhoods. Yoga has been so thoroughly embraced by white people because it requires large amounts of money and time, two things that white people have a lot of.

  Yoga is essentially stretching with guidance. Advanced yoga is just regular yoga done in a very hot room.

  You might think that since yoga is such a minimalist activity, it can be done almost anywhere. But you would be wrong. Yoga must take place on hardwood floors at a studio. Exposed beams are generally believed to enhance yoga experiences by 40 percent.

  Being noncompetitive, you might think that yoga can just be done in any type of clothes that allow for a full range of motion; again you would be wrong. Yoga is much more than just an activity, it is a chance to showcase $80 pants that are tailor-made for the rigors of yoga.

  And last, but not least, yoga feels exotic and foreign. It has become sort of like a religion that prizes flexibility and expensive clothes. Also, deep down, white people feel that their participation makes up for years of colonial rule in India.

  16 Gifted Children

  White people love “gifted” children. Do you know why? Because an astounding 100 percent of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?

  I’m pretty sure the last nongifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, California. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.

  The way it works is that white kids who are actually smart are quickly identified as “gifted” and take special classes and eventually end up in college and then law school or med school.

  But wait, aren’t there white people who aren’t doctors or lawyers, or even all that smart? Well, here is another of those awesome white-person win-win situations. If white kids get crappy grades and can’t seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How, you ask? They are just too smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day-to-day operations of school.

  Eventually they will show their creativity in elaborate constructions of bongs and intimate knowledge of different kinds of mushrooms and hash.

  This knowledge is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain the acceptance of white people. If you see their kids playing peacefully, say, “Oh, they seem very focused. Are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say, “Yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at his/her mother, you say, “My, he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply, “Oh, yes, he’s too creative and smart for school. We just don’t know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more.

  WARNING: Never under any circumstances imply that their child is less than a genius. The idea that something could come from them and have less than greatness is too much for them to bear.

  17 Hating Their Parents

  This topic ties into a number of other items, but there is no denying that white people hate their parents. There is nothing you can do to prevent this.

  If you are a strict parent who makes your kid have a curfew, do homework, and not smoke weed, then you are almost guaranteed to have them scream at you, write poems about how much they hate you, and relate to songs by bands from Orange County and Florida. Eventually, they forgive you and thank you for the tough upbringing, but still resent you because their high school experience wasn’t a carbon copy of The O.C. or My So-Called Life.

  On the other hand, if you are a super-laid-back parent who lets your kid go to parties and drink in the house, and you smoke weed together, you are only delaying the hatred. Because these kids eventually end up doing something stupid with their lives—dropping out of college, trying to become a painter, or spending time in a Thai prison. At which point, they hate you for being too lax and not caring enough.

  But note that this hatred can be used for gain. White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one-up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, were abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and your chances for friendship will be ruined.

  18 Awareness

  An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness”—meaning the process o
f making other people aware of problems, magically causing someone else, like the government, to fix it.

  This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges, because the only challenge of raising awareness is getting the attention of people who are currently unaware.

  What makes this even more appealing for white people is that you can raise “awareness” through expensive dinners, parties, marathons, T-shirts, fashion shows, concerts, and bracelets. In other words, white people just have to keep doing stuff they like, except that now they can feel better about making a difference.

  Raising awareness is also awesome because once you raise awareness to an acceptable though arbitrary level, you can just back off and say, “Bam! Did my part. Now it’s your turn. Fix it.”

  So, to summarize: you get all the benefits of helping (self-satisfaction, telling other people) but no need for difficult decisions or the ensuing criticism. (How do you criticize awareness?) Once again, white people find a way to score that sweet double victory.

  Popular things to be aware of: the environment, diseases like cancer and AIDS, Africa, poverty, anorexia, homophobia, middle school field hockey/lacrosse teams, drug rehab, and political prisoners.

  19 International Travel

  White-person travel can be broken into two categories—First World and Third World.

  First World is Europe and Japan, and man, this travel is not only beloved but absolutely essential in the development of a white person. Every white person takes at least one trip to Europe between the ages of 17 and 29. During this time they are likely to wear a backpack, stay at a hostel, meet someone from Ireland/Sweden/Italy with whom they have a memorable experience, get drunk, see some old churches, and ride a train.

  What’s amazing is that all white people have pretty much the same experience, but all of them believe theirs to be the first of its kind, so much so that they return to North America with ideas of writing novels and screenplays about it.

  Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was traveling through Slovenia and the Czech Republic.”

  The second type of white-person travel is Third World. This is when they venture to Thailand, Africa, or South America. Some do it so that they can one-up the white people who only go to Europe. As with Europe, white people like to believe they are the first white people to make this trip. As such, they should be recognized as special and important individuals.

  That’s right, by going to a country, riding around on a bus or train, staying at a hotel or hostel, and eating, they are doing something important for the world.

  If you are someone who lives in a country that white people like to visit, there are some things you can do for personal gain, the best of which is to make them feel fantastic by saying how you’ve never seen a white person before, and that you are amazed by their iPod—“A device that plays many songs? Impossible!” They might give it to you, then you can sell it for profit. Repeat as necessary.

  20 Being an Expert on Your Culture

  White people are pretty conflicted about their culture. On one hand, they are proud of the art, literature, and film produced by white culture. But on the other, they are very ashamed of all the bad things about white culture: the KKK, colonialism, slavery, Jim Crow laws, feudalism, and the treatment of Native Americans.

  One way they can make up for the shame is by becoming marginally acquainted with foreign cultures. It is generally acceptable for a white person to learn a few terms in a language spoken primarily by nonwhites (such as Chinese, Tagalog, or Portuguese). They can then use these phrases to order certain “more authentic” dishes in restaurants.

  White people can also take passing interest in film, politics, music, or art from these cultures. When they actually meet someone from that culture, or at least who has parents from that culture, they cannot wait to engage you in all the details that they have learned. “Have you heard the new Andy Lau CD? It’s awesome!”

  It is imperative that you recognize how special and unique this white person is for knowing about your culture. Acceptable responses include “Wow, I’ve never seen a white person order chicken feet” or “How did you find out about that film? I didn’t think they had dubbed/subtitled it yet.”

  These responses will fill white people with that self-satisfaction they need. Also, the responses serve as reminders that they are not racist, which also makes them feel terrific.

  21 Writer’s Workshops

  It’s no secret: White people want to be writers. Why wouldn’t they? They could work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or New England, get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get a book made into a film. Every single white person harbors this dream. No matter what they tell you, all of them have at least one chapter of a novel or memoir stashed away somewhere.

  Being a marginally crafty race, white people will often seek out every possible route to achieving this goal, and one of the most popular methods has been writer’s workshops. These are expensive mini go-to-school-type vacations where you talk with a published writer (often someone you haven’t heard of, but they have a book on Amazon) who will tell you how they became a writer. If there is time, they will listen to you read your stuff and tell you that it’s good but it needs work on (a) structure, (b) characters, or (c) dialogue. Then they will collect their check and go back to their country house or studio apartment in New York.

  22 Having Two Last Names

  In recent years, white people have loved giving their children two last names. This is a direct result of white women thinking it’s sexist and outdated to take their husband’s name. It is also sexist that the child would carry the name of only one parent, especially since the unnamed parent is the one who carried the child for nine months. The only logical solution is to give the kid a split last name. White people can’t get enough of it!

  As a result, we have children growing up named Elijah Sadler-Moore.

  While it’s true that many Spanish-speaking cultures do this, oftentimes their names are crazy long but are shortened into sweet one-word nicknames like Pele. Also, there is a historical precedent.

  As this is a recent phenomenon, we have yet to see what happens when one split-named person marries another split-named person. Does their kid end up with four last names?

  There are some concerns that collegiate lacrosse and soccer jerseys are going to look pretty strange in the next few years.

  23 Microbreweries

  White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire. Beer is no exception.

  They generally try to avoid beers like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken because if it’s mass-produced it is bad. Pabst Blue Ribbon is given a pass because it doesn’t advertise, has a cool can, and is one of the cheapest beers around. When white people are young they like to say how much they like Pabst because they can’t afford anything else, then say it tastes great. If you want to make a white person laugh when they bring up Pabst, just say, “You know, they only give the Blue Ribbon to first place…even if it was handed out in 1893.”

  But Pabst is most definitely the exception and not the rule.

  When white people need a beer, they turn to microbreweries, which seem to be located almost exclusively in New England, California, Oregon, Quebec, and Colorado. Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their refined beer palate.

  A friend of mine once met a white guy who brought a notebook with him to every bar. He would then keep a record of all the beers he drank and his experience with them. He called it his “beer journal.”

  Also of note: Most white people want to open a microbrewery at some point. One that uses organic hops.

  24 Wine


  There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.

  Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine-growing regions. But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about the subject, white people often need to fake knowledge. If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Wild Irish Rose, or Cisco. This humiliation can crush a white person for years.

  When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say, “Ooh, that’s nice. What country is it from?” Then they will say the name of the country and you say, “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.” White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany, or Santa Barbara.

  It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up a name like Spotswood, Red Duck, or a random Spanish-sounding name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to find in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and will consider you to be a very smart person. They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.