Wines that are acceptable: red, white (less so).
Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): white Zinfandel, wine in a box, rosé, fortified wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese cooking wine.
25 David Sedaris
For many of you, this item will be confusing, as you will be wondering who exactly this David Sedaris is. He is a humorist who writes for The New Yorker and has several books, including Barrel Fever and Holidays on Ice.
His stuff is kind of funny, but white people go crazy and will pay hundreds of dollars to hear him read from his own book. Let me say that again: they will pay money to see someone read from a book they have already read. They know the jokes are coming, they know the punch lines, but they feel the need to hear the author actually say them.
White people universally love David Sedaris, so if they ever ask you, “Who are your favorite authors?” you should always reply, “David Sedaris.” They will instantly launch into a story about how much they love his work, and the conversation will go from there, and you won’t have to talk about books anymore. This is also safer than saying Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers, or Shakespeare. White people are very divided on these authors and might actually ask you questions about why you like them. Stick with David Sedaris and you can’t lose! If they do press you, just say, “I read a lot, and I never laugh out loud when I read, but Sedaris is just brilliant.”
This advice will make white people respect you, trust you, and be more willing to invite you to their parties.
* * *
White Annotated Bibliography
Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius “Honestly, I’m not afraid to call this the book of our generation. He captures all that we are and aspire to be.”
Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated “The book is incredible. The accented English literally jumps off the page and demands to be read out loud.”
Michael Chabon, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay “His first book was good, but I think he really comes into his own as an author with this novel. It does this amazing job of combining all that I remember loving about comic books with all that I love about prose fiction.”
Henry James, all books “If you send me to a desert island, just make sure I have a page of James’s delicate prose in my back pocket. I promise you it can keep me entertained and thinking for months.”
All Victorian novels “So your favorite books are Pride and Predjudice, Wuthering Heights, and Vanity Fair? Convenient that they’ve all been turned into movies, don’t you think?”
Michael Pollan, The Omnivore’s Dilemma “The politics of food are fascinating, and this book will change the way you eat and the way you think forever.”
James Joyce, Finnegans Wake “I love Joyce, although I feel as though Dubliners captures the spirit of the Irish more than this book.” (Note: It is an old white-person trick to steer conversation away from books that you have not read.)
William S. Burroughs, Junky “Did you like Trainspotting? Yeah, well, Burroughs was doing that in 1960 with this book.” (Note: Do not bring up Naked Lunch; white people don’t even pretend to understand it.)
Jack Kerouac, On the Road “I read this book when I was sixteen years old. I would say that by the time I reached page 2, I knew I wanted to be a writer.” (Note: Advanced white people are disgusted by people who like this book.)
Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby “You know, I’ve never even read Fight Club. I find his other works to be far more engaging.”
Nick Hornby, How to Be Good “I fell in love with Hornby when I read High Fidelity in 1995, and I think he gets better with each book. This one is my absolute favorite though.”
Jay McInerney, Bright Lights, Big City Note: This novel is written in second person (“You step outside,” etc.). This makes it very easy to test if a white person has actually read it or just watched the movie starring Michael J. Fox.
Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho “Reading Ellis is like watching an amazingly melodramatic soap opera and then realizing that it actually taught you something at the end. I can’t tell you how much time I really spent thinking, just thinking, after reading this book.”
David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest “Did you know that this book is more than 1,000 pages long? I read it in high school, on spring break. A thousand pages.”
Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past “I hope to read this one day.” (Note: Any person who has actually read all fifteen volumes has a graduate degree in English.)
* * *
26 Manhattan (and Now Brooklyn, Too!)
Oftentimes if you ask white people about where to travel, you will get a lot of responses. But if you ask them about New York, white people will go nuts. They love the city universally and either live there, have lived there, will live there, or want to live there.
White people like New York because it has artists, restaurants, a subway, history, diversity, plays, and other white people. It literally has everything white people need to thrive! The only thing it’s missing is nature, but Central Park is right there, and since you are walking all the time, you are outside!
If you are from New York, mention it to a white person. They will be instantly fascinated and start asking questions. When they inevitably tell you what they know about your hometown (“I know this great Italian place…”), you should respond by saying, “Man, I thought only New Yorkers knew about that spot.”
Another secret fact about white people: if you are in a group setting and the topic of New York City comes up, find the highest-ranking white person and say, “Oh, are you from New York?” To them, this means you are calling them cultured, cool, and urban. They will respond with something like, “Oh, well, I’ve spent a lot of time there” or “I lived there for three months.” You will have instantly become popular.
27 Marathons
In life, there are certain milestones of physical activity that can define you: a 40-yard dash in under 5 seconds, a 40-inch vertical leap, and so forth. To a white person, the absolute pinnacle of fitness is to run a marathon. Not to win, just to run.
White people will train for months, telling everyone who will listen about how they get up early in the morning, how they run when it rains, how it makes them feel so great and gives them energy.
When they finish the marathon, they will generally take a photo of themselves in a pair of New Balance sneakers and running shorts, with their marathon number held in both hands over their head in triumph. (Seriously, look it up, this is universal.)
They will then set goals like running in the Boston Marathon or the New York City Marathon.
If you find yourself in a situation where a white person is talking about a marathon, you must be impressed or you will lose favor with them immediately. Running for a certain length of time on a specific day is a very important thing to a white person and should not be demeaned.
Also worth noting: the more competitive white people prefer triathlons because Kenyans can’t afford $10,000 specialty bicycles. If the subject ever comes up, just say that triathletes are in better shape than football and basketball players. It’s not true, but it will make the conversation a lot more genial.
28 Not Having a TV
The number-one reason white people like not having a TV is so that they can tell you that they don’t have a TV.
On those lonely nights when white people wish they could be watching American Idol, Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, they comfort themselves by thinking of how when people talk about the show tomorrow they can say, “I didn’t see it, I don’t have a TV. That stuff rots your brain.” It is effective in making other white people feel bad, and making themselves feel good about their life and life choices.
These people often fill their time by talking to other friends who don’t watch TV about how they don’t watch TV, looking at leaves, cooking, reading books about left-wing politics, and going to concerts/protests/poetry slams.
Generally, this makes them very boring and giv
es you very little to talk to them about. It’s important that you never suggest they are making a mistake or that there is value to owning a TV. You should just try to steer the conversation to allow them to talk about how they are better than you.
29 ’80s Night
If you ever find yourself wanting to take your relationship with white people to the next level, one of the best places to meet a potential partner is at any ’80s-night event in your local city.
White people cannot get enough of ’80s music, partly out of nostalgia and partly since it was the last time that pop music wasn’t infused with hip-hop or R ’n’ B stylings. Artists like Joy Division, New Order, and Elvis Costello were all pretty well respected and had solid runs at the charts. Also, less respected artists like Wham, Rick Astley, and Cameo are still easy for white people to dance to.
If you are in a social situation and wish to turn it into one more conducive for romance, you should always ask, “Does anyone know a club with a good ’80s night?” at which point you will be flooded with suggestions and invitations to dance to Debbie Gibson songs.
30 Wrigley Field
One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. In addition to being one of the favorite baseball teams of white people (after the Boston Red Sox), the stadium is viewed as a must visit for virtually all white people regardless of their concern for the actual Cubs.
There are rumors that Wrigley Field is like that device in The Fly that turned Jeff Goldblum into a bug, except that instead of turning a human into an insect, it can turn nonwhite people into white people. The best evidence of this comes from the ’80s TV show Perfect Strangers, in which the foreigner Balki Bartokomous needed only to attend one game at the famed field to join his cousin Larry as a white person.
So why do white people love it so much? The biggest reason is that white people love historical buildings. This is because they are reminded of the olden days, when everything was made out of brick and ethnic mothers yelled out windows at their children to stop playing stickball and come in for dinner. Wrigley is a reminder of days gone by, although it is unwise to point out that white people are being nostalgic for an era when baseball was only played by white people. It will make them feel sad and will likely ruin their expensive “bleacher” seats.
White people also enjoy the neighborhood around Wrigley Field, as it is filled with old houses, “character,” and white people. This cannot be understated, as the Chicago White Sox used to play in the oldest stadium in the league, but because of its location on the South Side, it didn’t have quite the same appeal to generations of white college students.
A trip to Wrigley Field with a white person can be the final piece in the friendship puzzle. Be sure to bring khaki shorts, which are required for entry to the stadium.
31 Snowboarding
During the winter months, one of the favorite leisure activities of white people is snowboarding. The sport was invented in the ’80s when a group of white people took a single ski, made it wider, and turned it sideways.
Like all other popular white activities, snowboarding requires the purchase of a lot of very expensive equipment and activity-specific clothing. Assuming that you can wear any winter jacket when you go snowboarding is a common mistake that can lead to wealthy white children laughing at you from the chairlift.
To properly snowboard, you are expected to purchase an oversized brand-name jacket and baggy snow pants. These will not be cheap. Remember, you are rebelling against the conformity of skiing, and the best way to do it is to dress exactly like everyone else.
The sport is also essential to older white people who need to show their other old white friends that they are cool.
Now that you have spent almost $2,000 for equipment and clothing, you will have to pay upwards of $80 for a lift ticket. Then, following a morning of falling down, you can replenish your energy by purchasing a $14 hamburger at the snack bar. If you are lucky enough to live within a reasonable driving distance of the resort, your final expense will be fuel costs to return home. Otherwise you can expect to pay a few hundred dollars for a room near the mountain.
In other words, a white invitation to go snowboarding is like them handing you a bill for three grand. The best response to one of these invitations is to say that you will accompany them to the mountain when a nonwhite person wins the X Games or a gold medal in the Winter Olympics.
32 Veganism/Vegetarianism
As with many white-people activities, being vegan/vegetarian enables them to feel as though they are helping the environment and it gives them a sweet way to feel superior to others. For further evidence, note how the vegetarian world has increasing levels of extremism (no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no fish, nothing that has been cooked, etc.).
Much like not watching TV, being vegan/vegetarian makes white people pretty hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis—having dinner, going to restaurants, and having them over to watch political debates all become major challenges as white people will talk about how they cannot eat anything and would rather that the meat and cheese be thrown in the garbage than put into their bodies.
But wait, aren’t there white people who eat organic, grain-fed, free-range cattle and chicken? Yes, but these white people are racked with guilt knowing that they are still eating a dead animal, contributing to rainforest deforestation and global warming.
Whether you are dealing with a meat eater or a vegan/vegetarian, there are many ways to use this information to your advantage. If you require a favor from a vegetarian white person, you should invite them to dinner with your family. When your mother/ grandmother offers them a dish with meat in it, they will reject it, saying that they are vegetarian. When the meal is over, tell them that your mom is very embarrassed, and that in your culture rejecting food is the equivalent of spitting on someone’s grave. They will then owe you a favor, which can be called in when you need a trip to the airport, someone to help you move, a small interest-free loan, or a place for your friend to crash.
If you need to gain leverage with meat eaters, it’s pretty easy. They already feel guilty; just point it out.
33 Marijuana
People from many cultures (Southeast Asia, Jamaica, India, Morocco, Mexico, etc.) like marijuana, but white people take it to an entirely new level.
To simply purchase, roll, and smoke marijuana is not enough for white people. They need to make sure they know all the different strains, cultivation techniques, and methods for smoking it. They even have an entire magazine devoted to it, one that actually has center-folds of plants that people have grown.
White people are also willing to spend more than $500 on smoking devices just to find new and more expensive ways to smoke weed.
It is worth noting that every white person, at some point, has written a high school or college paper about the history of how the DuPont company helped make weed illegal. This paper also teaches about how hemp can be used to fuel cars, make clothing, create food, cure cancer, and solve every single problem on earth.
While you would assume that most white people smoke weed between the ages of 14 and 28 (and act as though they are the first generation to have done so), the reality is that white people smoke weed well into old age. They also smoke weed with their kids! This is not a joke. White people love weed so much that they consider it a “gift” to share with their kids. This has led to a generation that was not allowed to watch Power Rangers but was allowed to toke up.
All white people believe marijuana should be legalized, and they consider the Netherlands a pinnacle of enlightenment. Also, every white person has had their most profound weed-smoking experience in Amsterdam, so it’s a good idea to fabricate a story about your own experience there so you can quickly forge a bond. Traditional tales use the following words: hostel, brownie, girl/guy from Hungary, crazy, locked out, chill dudes from Ireland.
Under no circumstances
should you ever imply that people just smoke weed to get high (they do it for medical/spiritual/social reasons, etc.), or that there are any negative consequences. This will likely alienate you from white people.
On the plus side, white people are always looking for higher-quality, more potent, more organic marijuana. If you promise to hook them up with a special selection from your home country, they will likely pay a high premium.
34 Architecture
If you ask white people what they love about cities they don’t live in, they will say “restaurants,” “culture,” and “architecture.” They just can’t get enough of old buildings or ultramodern buildings next to old buildings.
If you want to fit in with white people you need to learn about I. M. Pei, Frank Lloyd Wright, Frank Gehry, and a whole swath of others. Also, be prepared to say “Bauhaus” a lot.
Once you have the basics down, you should choose a city that people are unlikely to have visited, then make up a name and choose one of the following: (a) opera house, (b) museum, (c) city hall, (d) civic center. Then put it all together into something like this: “Gehry is good, but I’m much more into the work of D. F. Winterhausen. He designed the new opera house in Podgorica.” Wait for a beat and then say, “In Montenegro. Have you never been?” The white person will be left in stunned silence, reverence, and respect.
Stuff White People Like Page 3