When it comes to the inhabitants of Tibet, white people are pretty sure that the entire nation is made up of cool Buddhist monks who know martial arts. These men are perhaps the most respected people in white culture after bicycle mechanics and indie rock musicians.
For these reasons, white support of Tibet is absolute. It is scientifically impossible to meet a white person who doesn’t support a free Tibet. This means that you have a subject that is guaranteed to get a favorable response from white people. If a conversation with a white person ever turns to politics and you are feeling slightly uncomfortable, it’s best to immediately say, “Can you believe what’s going on in Tibet?” Problem solved.
Also, if you are working in a predominantly white environment, it’s probably best to put a “Free Tibet” bumper sticker on your car. It won’t really open any doors, but it doesn’t hurt.
125 Nintendo Wii
Video games play a very interesting role for white people. Many white males are very into the Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, on which they play games like Final Fantasy, Grand Theft Auto, Halo, Gears of War, and Rock Band. If they tell you that they play “a lot of Madden,” you are speaking with the wrong kind of white person. However, on the whole white people have very specific tastes in the types of video games they like.
Almost all of them grew up playing Super Mario Bros. on the original Nintendo, and when you bring up the topic of modern video games they will almost always say, “They are too complicated now, I don’t play them. Except for the Wii.”
Launched in 2006, the Nintendo Wii has reignited white interest in video games. The Wii, which features motion controls, does not require any special skill beyond flailing your arms. The system also accommodates up to four players, meaning that it has become an excellent replacement for board games at dinner parties. White people are known to gather around the TV and spend hours playing Wii Bowling, Wii Tennis, or maybe even Mario Party.
The main reason the Wii has tapped into white culture is the creation of “Mii’s.” These are little avatars that can be used as characters within games. After spending most of their lives creating themselves through the purchase of haircuts, glasses, and tattoos and the growth of facial hair, white people love the idea of being able to re-create their “look” on the Wii. However, virtually all white Mii’s end up the same—white skin, glasses, and a choice of messy hair (male), long hair(female), bangs (female), or bald(male).
White people who do not own a Nintendo Wii especially enjoy telling people how much they want to get one. White people who do own Wii’s quickly tire of them and only end up playing when friends come over.
If you know a white person with a Wii, it’s never a good idea to buy them a game. Instead, you should try to get yourself invited over to play. They are desperate for the company.
126 Conspiracies
Conspiracies occupy a very interesting place among white people. They almost all believe in one conspiracy or another, but choosing the wrong conspiracy can make you look like an idiot while choosing the right one makes you look like a savvy revisionist historian.
Generally speaking, the type of conspiracy most beloved by white people involves the American government working with some sort of multinational corporation to extract money or resources from a poor nation. Any conspiracy involving Cuba, Central/South America, or Southeast Asia is generally acceptable. Your ability to back this up with any sort of book evidence will help to reinforce your status as a smart individual.
Conspiracies around 9/11, aliens, Jewish bankers, and the moon landing are generally frowned upon by white people, and your belief in their existence will get you labeled as an idiot; no matter how hard you try, it will be impossible to recover.
127 The Simpsons
When searching for common ground with a white person, a mention of The Simpsons is a sure-fire bet to start a lively and engaging conversation. But simply stating that you like The Simpsons is a recipe for disaster. You have to be prepared to list the specific period in which you enjoyed the show or else you might be seen as someone with poor taste.
The Simpsons highlights the concept of “jumping the shark,” which is one of the most important phenomena in white culture and one of the best methods for determining the cultural significance and knowledge of a white person.
“Jumping the shark” is a phrase that was coined after an episode of Happy Days in which Fonzie, a lead character, jumped over a shark. Many people point to that as the moment the show stopped being worth watching.
Ever since that time, white people have been obsessed with accurately noting the exact moment that something stopped being relevant. By being able to judge this with the most detail, a white person is able to be seen as a sharp critic of popular culture and one that deserves to be heard. But, as with everything in white culture, there are a lot of rules and you have to be careful about what you say.
If you choose to declare that something jumped the shark too early, you risk looking as though you are lying in an effort to seem smart. If you miss some key episodes you will be mocked as a snob who doesn’t really understand the show or its values. For example, saying “I think The Simpsons jumped the shark after season two” will be met with laughter and taunts about your faux snobbery.
However, declaring that something jumped the shark too late will make you look uncultured in your taste for the show and you will lose all respect.
The safest route is to say, “I was obsessed with the first few seasons. My favorite episode is still ‘Mr. Plow.’” But if you must declare a shark-jumping moment, the best bet is to say that the show jumped between the two “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” episodes. That’s far enough along to cover most of the best episodes, but not so far that it includes some of the wilder plot lines.
Note: If a white person says something that doesn’t seem to make sense and they slightly change the sound of their voice, chances are that they are quoting something from The Simpsons.
128 Avoiding Confrontation
When white people have a problem with someone they generally prefer a solution that does not require any face-to-face confrontation. White people really do hate a significant portion of the population, yet for some reason they are petrified of doing anything that might make someone hate them back. It is a strange paradox.
Normally when a white person has become frustrated with a person or situation they will choose to bottle up their rage and complain extensively to friends and relatives. It is the dream of every white person to be able to resolve all conflicts by complaining to unrelated parties. Because of this, white people are able to endure years of frustration and anger without saying a word in the hopes that everything will just work itself out without having to make a scene.
This concept can seem a bit complex and likely requires an example. One situation feared by white people is to find themselves near someone who is very talkative and friendly, be it at work, with a neighbor, or on an airplane. On the surface, it would seem as though a friendly, talkative person would be beloved by all, but this is simply not the case with white people. For the most part, white people only like talking to people they already know, and when this option is unavailable they prefer to listen to music, read, or pretend to be asleep. So when they find themselves having to pretend to be nice to a very outgoing person who bores them, they are in quite a pickle. They know that they cannot tell the person to shut up without being perceived as a jerk, so instead they rearrange their life and activities in an effort to avoid this person until their secret wishes for them to leave will come true. Sadly, they rarely do.
Generally, ignoring the problem is preferred by white people, but occasionally they will be pushed too far. When a white person reaches the breaking point, they will write a letter or an email to the person who has wronged them. The email will likely be well thought out and produced over the course of a few hours with many sentences apologizing for being in conflict. White people will say they prefer this method so that they can get their though
ts presented more clearly, but in reality it’s just easier to avoid talking to someone. Once the email has been received and replied to, the healing process can begin and the friendship can resume.
This is essential knowledge if you ever find yourself in conflict with a white person. Do not confront them directly, as they will back down, agree to everything you say, and then immediately start talking about you to their friends, who will all turn on you. Direct confrontation is viewed by white people as a sign of instability, with the possibility that you might punch them. It is very difficult to recover from if you are not drunk at the time.
The best method is to wait as long as possible to see if the white person will send you the olive-branch email. If they don’t, and you have reached your own breaking point, wait five more days and send it yourself. They will appreciate your utilization of the tested white method of conflict resolution.
129 DJs
Within the world of white people, there might be no better job than DJ: knowing a lot about music; playing vinyl; no real musical talent required; and constant recognition of how great you are for knowing about music. It is perfect.
In the same way that every white person believes they would make a good photographer or writer, every single one believes that they would make a fantastic DJ. Because of this, white people have elevated DJs to the same status as actual musicians in the hopes that one day they can join the ranks.
Approximately 60 percent of white people will be in a band at some point in their lives, and the remaining 40 percent will attempt to be DJs. They generally follow the same trajectory. At first, they will choose a DJ name that will depend on the style of DJ they want to be. If they are really into hip-hop and want to be accepted into the community, they will likely choose a “thug” name like DJ AK-47 or DJ Gatz. If they love hip-hop but sort of understand that they are hopelessly white, they will choose a funny name like DJ Optimus Prime or DJ Snork. Once they have settled on a name they will begin by buying all sorts of hip-hop vinyl and putting together mix tapes for their friends with a lot of scratches to show their “technique.” They will seek out only the most underground remixes and will likely produce a poor-quality “mashup” in which they’ll mix a hip-hop song with a pop instrumental.
By the time they reach college, the type-A DJ has morphed into the type-B DJ, and they have begun to experiment with pop songs and music from the ’80s. Showing that they are into a diverse mix of music earns them much respect with the crowd, and being able to go from 50 Cent to Corey Hart shows their exceptional range and growth as a “musician.”
After graduation, white people will continue to pursue this passion and will assemble a group of friends who love to see them “spin.” White people prefer the word spin because it sounds cooler than “choosing songs for people to listen to.”
Note: DJs have the best talent-to-groupie ratio of any career.
130 Carbon Offsets
As much as white people would love to be able to do everything in an Earth-friendly way, the reality of their needs sometimes just doesn’t match up to current environmental options. For example, when a white person needs to travel to India for a yoga retreat, they are going to have to get on a plane and in the process release tons of carbon dioxide into the air. Though simply avoiding air travel would be a good way to solve this, that’s just not a fair thing to ask. Fortunately, there are carbon offsets.
A carbon offset occurs when a white person does something bad to the environment, like flying on an airplane or buying an SUV, and then simply gives some money to a company like TerraPass, which then plants a bunch of trees to make up for the infraction. In much the same way that Catholics sin and then ask forgiveness in confession, white people commit a sin and then just pay a bunch of money to remove the guilt. It is an astonishingly efficient system.
The system is also useful since white people can sit on a plane surrounded by other travelers, yet know deep down that they are saving the Earth while everyone else on the plane is destroying it—even though they are all on the same flight.
Since it is very difficult for white people to check up on the status of their carbon offsets, this is an excellent opportunity for personal financial gain. Whenever a white person says that they are going to take a flight, ask if they are paying for a carbon offset. If they say no, then you should introduce them to your new carbon-offset company, but be as unclear as possible about exactly how you will create the offset. Then buy yourself a Toyota Prius.
131 Following Their Dreams
White people are required to support anyone who decides to follow their dreams, regardless of the likelihood for success. This is one of the most important things you can ever learn.
Because white people generally do not have to worry about money in any serious way, or food, or shelter, or health care, their number-one concern is about the best way to make themselves happy. This eats up a tremendous amount of their time and has created many lucrative side industries, such as therapy, writer’s workshops, acting classes, screenwriting software, and academia.
From a very young age, white people are told that the greatest thing they can do is to follow their dreams, and that they should not listen to anyone who tries to hold them back. Within white culture this law is about as unbreakable as gravity.
Generally a white person is most likely to follow their dream between the ages of 18 and 25. The majority will wait until they finish college before moving away to chase their dream of being an actor, writer, photographer, director, artist, musician, DJ, or producer.
If you meet a white person who has just finished college and has told you that they are moving to Brooklyn to become a writer, you should never under any circumstances suggest that they are making a mistake. When they are this young, it’s best to say, “Of course, you have to take a chance now, because you may not have it when you are older. But I know you’re going to make it.” This last bit of encouragement will virtually guarantee a free place to stay when you visit New York City.
Do not feel bad for the white person or their parents. Following their dreams at this age is completely acceptable since failure will only really result in later acceptance to law school and perhaps a few sizeable loans from their parents. Depending on their degree and their parents, they will be able to catch up to their non-dream-following counterparts within five years. So supporting them at this stage is not really all that destructive.
However, some white people do not follow their dreams immediately out of college, and here is where the danger lies. As they begin to get older and feel disenchanted with their current job, they begin to think back to the dreams they had when they were younger. While it would seem logical that a real friend would say, “Hey, you just turned forty, do you really think it’s a good idea to get your PhD in English? You know you won’t get tenure until you’re sixty, right?” nothing could be further from the truth.
Regardless of how catastrophic and irresponsible their actions are, if the end goal is to “follow their dreams” you must support them blindly or else you will be seen as a Simon Cowell–esque figure who is hated by all as a crusher of hope.
It is best to say something funny that also implies inevitable success, like “Can I be an extra when the movie gets made?” or “I expect a signed first edition!” It does not matter if you are lying.
132 Not Having Cash
A very important thing to know about white people is that in spite of their considerable wealth, they hate to carry cash. Ask the nearest white person how much cash they have on them. If they are under 35, the answer will likely be under $10.
For white people cash leads to all sorts of problems. First, they are very afraid of losing their cash either by accident or through some kind of robbery. If they lose a credit card or get it stolen, they make a few phone calls and they can sleep easy at night. Not the case with a $20 bill.
The other reason is that white people are obsessed with credit card rewards. Just ask them and they’ll tell you how the
ir credit card rewards them with airline miles, Amazon points, or even cash back. If they have to pay for something in cash, it just kills them to know that they are missing out on a chance to get rewards. They also hate pennies.
Cash also poses problems for white people in group settings. Because of the amount of time they spend in bars and restaurants, they need a system that allows them to split a bill accurately and fairly among the party. A pile of $20s is simply a shot in the dark.
But the real reason why white people have so little cash is that their schedules take them from home to work to sandwich shops to work to Whole Foods to home and then to bed. There is simply no time to stop at an ATM.
This information can be useful if you bring a white person to an ethnic restaurant that only takes cash. Never assume that white people will have money, and unless you want to give out a short-term loan, you should always tell a white person in advance if a restaurant is cash only.
133 Adopting Foreign Children
Much as white people tend to prefer rescue dogs over purebreds, when it comes to children an increasing number of white people are turning to foreign countries. Africa and Asia are supplying the majority of these babies to white couples, who cannot wait to begin the journey of raising a foreign child.
On some levels, the foreign child is superior to the home-grown one, since the parents will always know that they took the child from a bad situation and brought him or her to a better one. This creates an important feeling of debt that will help to ensure the child remains loyal and obedient to the parents, something missing in many white children.
Stuff White People Like Page 14