The Longing

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “Kyle! Answer me, dammit!”

  He crouched to his knees and gulped a breath, but his hoarse squawk couldn’t be heard more than a few feet away. The loud crackling of burning wood filled the air then a heavy shudder shook the building.

  “It’s coming down! Get out!” Boyd shouted.

  “Give me your ax. I’m going around back.”

  That was Duke’s voice. Kyle buried his face in his shirt and crawled toward the door. The heat drove him back before he’d gone three feet. Suddenly, he understood very clearly that he was trapped and he was going to die.

  The building had no back door and no windows to escape through. Though the plank walls were old, Kyle doubted he could kick through the wood, but it was his only hope of getting out alive.

  On hands and knees, he felt his way along the wall toward the back of the building where the smoke wasn’t as dense. Trying to gauge the condition of the wood through watery eyes was impossible. Kyle pushed against the slats with his elbow until he felt a board spring. Knowing his time would run out before he could locate a weaker spot, he stopped searching and lay on his back. He kicked the plank with both feet. Pain ripped through his tender shin, but he kept hammering the springy piece of pine. The board bowed beneath his fierce blows, but it wouldn’t crack.

  “Come on!” Kyle coughed and kicked harder as a spray of hot cinders burned his skin. The wall splintered several feet above him.

  He heard the distant shout of Amelia’s voice calling to him and he knew he didn’t want to die. He needed to apologize to her, to explain what she meant to him . . .

  He raised his numb feet for another blow, but the tip of an ax smashed through the planks.

  “Duke!” Kyle called through his raspy throat, then realized that Duke would never hear him above the roaring fire and shouting men. The only way to let them know they were hacking the wall in the right place was to signal by moving the boards, so Kyle used his remaining strength to kick the planks.

  More wood splintered as another ax gouged the building, then several hands yanked planks free and pried the nails from the frame with metal pry bars. Kyle watched it all through a haze of smoke, his only conscious thought being to keep his feet moving and keep himself from igniting. He was barely conscious when Duke stopped swinging his ax and Boyd and Radford dragged him through the hole in the wall.

  He gulped in cool air and coughed until he gagged. His nose ran and his eyes streamed, but he was free of the fire that was eating his building and burning up his profits.

  “Kyle!” Amelia collapsed beside him. She reached out to touch him, but hesitated as if she might hurt him. “Are you all right. Are you hurt?” Tears streaked down her face and her mouth pursed. “Oh, God, please be all right.”

  He lifted his head and looked at her through streaming eyes. Soot was smeared across her face and one side of her gown was badly singed. Behind her, both mill crews were rushing across the yard at the depot, beating out hot sparks that settled on his pallets of lumber, keeping his mill building safe while trying to contain the fire to his warehouse, which would become a total loss.

  Amelia touched his chest. “Can you talk? Do you know what happened?”

  Caught in a hazy web of pain, Kyle backhanded his eyes and dragged his sleeve beneath his nose. He tried to sit up, but gasped in pain and fell back in the grass. Fire burned through his shoulders and both palms as if he’d been branded. His head ached and his legs and feet throbbed.

  Amelia frantically scanned the yard, then turned back. “We sent Richard for the doctor. They should be here soon.”

  “Who?” Kyle asked, drifting in pain, gasping each time he drew a breath.

  “Richard’s the one who told us about the fire.”

  Kyle had thought the stove started the blaze, but maybe... No! He couldn’t even consider that Richard would have done something so unthinkable.

  Pain burned through Kyle’s body and he gasped and gritted his teeth.

  Amelia doused her palms in a bucket of water that Boyd had set beside them when checking on Kyle before he ran back to battle the flames. She gently pressed the cool liquid to Kyle’s face. Her own was covered in tears. “Please be all right. Please don’t close your eyes, Kyle.”

  “How—” He coughed, gagged, and inhaled the damp air into his raw throat. “How can you...even care?” he asked, panting hard, feeling as he were going to throw up.

  Her brow furrowed and she touched his hot, tight face. “How can I...Oh, Kyle, how can you ask that?”

  Even through his muddled senses, Kyle could see the raw pain in her eyes, but before he could croak out an apology, he turned his head and threw up in the damp grass. He struggled to fill his lungs with fresh air while his two crews put out the fire. His thoughts tangled and he couldn’t keep track of the time or what was happening around him. Someone laid wool horse blankets over him, someone else fed him gallons of water, then the glowing sky slowly turned black.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Kyle woke to silence in his own bed with Evelyn frowning down at him. He’d known Amelia would leave him. He didn’t blame her, but God, it hurt. He coughed then grimaced at the pain in his raw throat. It made his eyes water and his nose run and thoroughly pissed him off. “How bad is it?”

  “You lost the warehouse and your inventory. Radford says your insurance will cover most of the loss. You’re lucky you’re alive. How could you have sat beside that stove and let a fire start?”

  “I don’t know if it was the stove. Amelia said Richard warned her about the fire.”

  “He did. He ran for help while Boyd stayed at the depot trying to get you out of the warehouse.”

  “They came to the depot together?”

  Evelyn nodded. “He saw Richard at the tavern and he told him what had happened between you two. Richard was apparently pretty shaken up and determined to talk to you again so he asked Boyd to come with him and get you out of bed. The warehouse was in flames when he and Boyd rode into the yard at the depot. They were together at the tavern for two hours before that.” Evelyn took the glass from Kyle’s sore hand and set it on the stand. “They thought Marcus was in the warehouse until Richard woke Amelia and learned you weren’t at home. I know it’s none of my business, but why were you sleeping at the mill?”

  “Because I couldn’t go home and face my wife.” Kyle sighed, his chest feeling as it were still filled with smoke. “You should have seen her face last night when we confronted Richard. She was devastated. I’m not surprised she left me.”

  “She didn’t leave you!” Evelyn huffed out a breath. “She’s sleeping in the guestroom, Kyle. I sent your mother home for a while and told Amelia I would have Radford bodily put her to bed if she didn’t go get some rest. Your mom and Amelia had been sitting with you for almost twenty-four hours, and neither of them wanted to leave you. I promised I would wake Amelia as soon as you opened your eyes.”

  “Don’t.” Kyle caught Evelyn’s wrist, then gasped at the pain in his fingers.

  “You have tiny burns the size of a cigar tip speckled across your hands and back. Before you ask, the doctor said two weeks before you’ll be able to do any work.”

  Kyle looked at his hands and felt the urge to steeple them in prayer, to thank the Almighty for sparing him, for sending him a woman like Amelia to fill his life, for giving him one final chance to tell her that he loved her.

  Kyle raised his gaze to Evelyn. “Why did you choose Radford over me?” She looked surprised, but he barreled ahead, knowing he had nothing left to lose. “I want to understand why. Didn’t it bother Radford that you were promised to me while you were kissing him?”

  Hurt flashed across Evelyn’s face and Kyle cursed himself for offending her. He coughed and winced from his burning throat. “I’m sorry, Ev. I didn’t mean that the way it came out.” He gingerly patted the bed. “Sit a minute.”

  He eased over and she sat beside him. “Is this still eating at you?” she asked, her expression full of sympathy. />
  “No. I know you and Radford belong together and I’m content with our friendship. I just want to know what I’m lacking that Radford has.”

  “You weren’t lacking anything.”

  “Well, obviously I was,” he said, looking pointedly at her wedding band.

  “I married your brother because I love him. Not because I didn’t love you. Kyle, you and I were convenient for each other. Radford and I needed each other. That was the main difference,” she said. “You wanted a wife. Radford needed a woman who could help him heal. He wanted his little girl to have a mother who could love her. You loved the girl who’d been your friend, but Radford loved the woman you couldn’t see. I didn’t choose Radford. My heart made that decision.”

  “I need to change, Ev,” he said, not attempting to camouflage his desperation. If he hadn’t already lost Amelia, he was damned close to it, and it scared Kyle enough to face the truth about himself, however painful it would be. “Amelia deserves better than I’m giving her.”

  Evelyn’s eyebrows lifted. “You have changed, Kyle.” At his skeptical look, she smiled. “You have. I could tell the day of the picnic. You’ve found your sense of humor again, and I’m sure your feelings for Amelia are the cause. You just have to stop expecting everything to be perfect.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Yes you do. You wanted me to be perfect for you and the life you had planned for us, but I wasn’t. When you realized I had flaws, you tried to ignore them. Radford saw my faults and loved me because of them.”

  “You aren’t flawed.”

  “Yes I am!” she said with an exasperated laugh. “And so are you. We all have flaws. That’s my point. You only see what you want to see. It’s like looking at Lake Erie and only seeing the pretty rippling surface. There is an entire world down there of ugly predators, beautiful plants, life and death. If you’re only looking at the surface of life, Kyle, that’s all you’ll ever see.”

  “Well, how do you notice all that other stuff if you’re too busy?” he asked with mounting frustration.

  “You stop what you’re doing and stick your face in the water.”

  “What?”

  Evelyn smiled. “Let me try this another way. I didn’t fall in love with Radford because he was perfect. Radford’s character is a result of everything he’s experienced in growing up with three brothers, surviving a horrible war, and falling in love with his brother’s fiancée. It doesn’t mean he’s proud of his past, but he’s the man he is today because of each one of those experiences. So are you, Kyle. You control things now because you had to when your father died. Your heart talks to you, but your brain speaks the words because you want to control what comes out. You’ve got to live inside yourself and not be afraid of that world. Trust me, that haphazard, messy world beneath the surface is our real life.”

  “Well, I’m doing an amazing job of adding to the mess.”

  “Then stop trying to control everything and just pay attention to what’s important.” Evelyn shrugged. “That’s all I can tell you. I’m a pregnant woman, not a wise woman.”

  Kyle touched her hand. “I think I’m finally beginning to understand what happened with us,” he said, knowing he needed to talk this openly with Amelia, but fearing his ability to do so.

  “Good. Then settle whatever is between you and Amelia and find a way to be happy. You both deserve it.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Now shut up and get some rest.”

  Kyle leaned his head back on the pillow and heard the sound of boots clumping up his hallway. Radford entered the bedroom with Rebecca perched on his shoulders, her dirty little hands strapped across his forehead. Wild curls shot in umpteen directions and spiraled halfway down her back. Her small feet were tucked in Radford’s hands to keep her from falling as she bounced on his neck.

  “Giddy up, horse!” she demanded.

  Radford whinnied and galloped to Kyle’s side.

  A laugh burst from Kyle’s raw throat and he coughed until his eyes watered, but the pain was worth watching his brother act like an idiot. They had come such a long way from the anger that had nearly destroyed their family less than a year ago. He’d thought he would never be able to forgive Radford and Evelyn. Now he knew this was how it should be.

  o0o

  “You look like hell,” Boyd said, entering Kyle’s bedroom without his usual long-legged swagger, his expression weary and filled with concern.

  “So do you.” Kyle propped himself up in bed, wincing in pain as he visually inspected his brother to make sure he wasn’t injured in any way. Black rings of fatigue circled Boyd’s eyes and his clothes were gray with ash dust from the fire that was still smoldering almost thirty hours after igniting. “Did you kill it yet?” Kyle asked, referring to the fire.

  Boyd shook his head. “There’re some ties and beams that are smoldering, but we’re still hauling water from the gorge to make sure it stays contained. We should snuff it out by this evening.”

  “Then go home and sleep. You’re too exhausted to do any more.”

  “Duke and Radford are at the depot now. They’ll take care of things for a few hours. When I get back, the three of us will figure out how to clean up the mess.”

  “Ask them to come here so we can all discuss it.”

  “Forget it.”

  “I can’t manage the walk today.”

  Boyd gawked at him. “I wasn’t suggesting you come to the depot, you idiot!” He snorted. “Christ, Kyle, forget about the damned mill. It’ll be there when you get your arrogant ass out of bed.”

  “Arrogant ass?”

  “Yes!” Boyd yanked off his hat and threw it on the nightstand. “Who cares about the mill! You almost died last night, you damned ambitious idiot! Two more minutes in that building and you would have been...Jesus!” Boyd’s nostrils flared and he thrust his hands in front of Kyle, his fingers and palms a mass of cuts and burns. “I was tearing that building apart with my bare hands, Kyle, and I couldn’t get to you. Every second all I could think about was you breathing smoke. Rafters were slamming into the floor and I kept wondering where the hell you were. I died every time I heard a crash. Not hearing your voice was even worse,” he whispered. Boyd’s eyes flooded and he turned his back.

  Seeing Boyd break down was Kyle’s undoing. He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to swallow his emotion, but it rose up hard, gripping his chest until he couldn’t breathe.

  “I never realized how much you wanted to be a lawyer, Kyle, because you gave it up so easily to take over the mill when Dad died.” Boyd lifted his shoulder, grabbed his filthy shirtsleeve and wiped his face, then turned to Kyle who was still grappling with his own emotions. “Until last night, I’d never considered how much you’ve sacrificed for us.” Moisture and soot streaked Boyd’s face, but he seemed oblivious to the bare emotion he was showing. “I’m sorry I’ve never thanked you for that.”

  Kyle looked away from the devastation in Boyd’s eyes. “I don’t even know if I would have liked being a lawyer. It doesn’t matter now. I’m happy running the depot.” He glanced at his brother. “I’m serious, Boyd. I’m content here.”

  Boyd studied him for several seconds before giving a light nod, as if to say “I believe you.” “Duke’s going to come see you later, but I’ve asked the rest of the crew to give you a couple of days to heal before they start tromping through your bedroom.”

  “I’ll be out of this room tomorrow,” Kyle said, already feeling caged and restless.

  “I’m too exhausted to kick your stubborn ass,” Boyd said, sitting down on the nightstand with a sigh, “but if you even think about coming back to the depot or the lumberyard until the doctor approves it, I swear to God, Radford, Duke, and I will pound you until you can’t move.” Kyle snorted, but Boyd’s expression brooked no argument. “I’ll take care of things until you’re back on your feet. You should be grateful to be alive, Kyle. Take some time to rest. Spend some time with Amelia. This was just as hard on her as it was on us.”
<
br />   Kyle sank back into the softness of the pillows, but even the slight movement made the tiny burns on his skin sting. His leg still throbbed and his back and head ached. “You know, I’ve always thought I had to look after you and Duke,” Kyle said, his throat hoarse from the aftereffects of smoke and emotion. “But I never realized that I depended on the two of you, too.” He met Boyd’s eyes. “I didn’t run the depot alone, Boyd. You and Duke were always here to help me.”

  Boyd snorted and braced his palms on his knees. “I’ve been helpful, all right. All I’ve ever done is irritate you.”

  “I won’t disagree with that.”

  Boyd smirked and stretched his legs out in front of him.

  “You’ve also made me laugh, Boyd. Without you to push me and prod me back into living, our responsibilities would have buried me in depression.”

  They sat in silence for a minute or so, then Boyd said, "Richard told me what happened. I told him he was a rotten bastard for what he did, and he didn’t disagree. He knows what he’s done to your friendship, Kyle, and it’s killing him.”

  “Well, I’m wondering if it nearly killed me.”

  “He didn’t set the fire. He was at the tavern all night, but if there had been even a hint of suspicion, I would have killed him myself.”

  Kyle met Boyd’s eyes and knew with chilling certainty that Boyd was serious.

  Boyd tugged his filthy cap over his head and stood. “I’m tired, Kyle. I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

  “You’d better. I want to know what’s going on at the mills.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Boyd tried to grin, but his eyes were weary, his face stained and smudged from the emotional war he’d just endured. “If Amelia gives me a good report on your cooperation, I’ll give you a report on the mills.”

  Kyle snorted and Boyd turned toward the door. “Wait a minute,” Kyle said, stopping his brother from leaving. Boyd turned back and Kyle silently wished his brother success in whatever he decided to do with his life. “When I’m healthy enough to come back to work, I’ll mortgage my house to get you the money for the tavern.” Boyd’s brows lowered, but Kyle barreled ahead. “The lumberyard is doing better, and now that I know what was happening to Tom’s money, I’m confident I can rebuild his mill. I’m not going to stand in your way anymore.”