by A. D. Ellis
“But…I know you’re missing your job, your mom and grandma, your boyfriend. His cousin seems like a great guy and I really appreciate him being by your side as the police try to take care of this situation, but I know you miss Decker.” He cleared his throat before going on. “Katie, I wish like hell I had realized what a gift I had in my life before I went and threw it all away on my business endeavors. I thought I could have my family and my business; when it became apparent that I couldn’t divide my time, I foolishly chose my business over your mother and you. It breaks my heart that I gave up on that love and the years I could have had with you. Hindsight really is 20/20, and I can see now that I made the wrong choice.” He sighed heavily.
“Dad, I’m sorry you have these feelings. I wish things could be different too, but they can’t be; don’t beat yourself up, we have a pretty good relationship, I’m not scarred for life. Let’s just make the most of what we’ve got and not dwell on the past.” She paused and thought over his words. “Plus, I think maybe your speech would find a better audience with Decker than with me. It’s him who I worry about not being able to divide his time and feeling pressured to choose his business over love. Not pressured by anyone but himself, but pressured all the same. He’s got this crazy need to control everything around him and a notion that everything in life is his responsibility; he doesn’t like the idea of letting people down.” Rubbing hands over her face, she sighed, “I love him, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. I don’t want to end up like you and Mom; if he can’t pick me 100% or truly divide his time between work and love, I may have to admit this needs to end.” A tear threatened to fall from her eye. “The problem is, how will I know if he can or will divide his time until it’s too late? Whew, I think my no-dating status was a lot easier than this falling in love thing is.” She laughed sadly and leaned over to hug her father. “Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
Kendrick had pulled back into the driveway while they were talking, but he continued to sit in his car talking on the phone. Katie walked to the door and waved him in. As he bounded up the steps, he wore a huge smile. Pulling her into a hug, he spun her around. “We’re going back to Torey Hope, girl! Angela left and the police think it’s reasonably safe for you to come home.”
**********
A few hours later, after packing up and saying goodbye to her father, Kendrick and Katie drove in relative silence. She was thrilled to be heading home, getting back to work, putting this behind her, but something just wasn’t sitting right with her. She couldn’t decide exactly what was bothering her, but she waffled between Angela’s abrupt departure and the fact that Decker had called Kendrick to tell him they could come back rather than calling her. Both of those things were weighing heavily on her.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Kendrick smiled at her as he drove.
“Why didn’t he call me? This whole time, we’ve all talked about ‘when this is over’ everything will be okay. But, now it’s ‘over,’ and he still hasn’t spoken to me. I guess I’m just scared that too much has happened, and he’s had a moment to pull back on the reigns and get that tight control back, and now he’s going to close in on himself. I love that man, but I hate what he does sometimes. I just get a feeling that I’ll get the ‘let’s just be friends/colleagues’ thing when we actually do talk.” Katie glanced sadly at Kendrick and realized with dread that he was afraid of the same thing.
“You know my cousin very well. Just give it some time.” Kendrick patted her hand and drove on.
**********
Three days. Three days is how long it took before Decker spoke to her as anything but an employee. She had hoped beyond hope that Decker would call her or come over when she and Kendrick got back, but he kept his distance. Keeping her calm and realizing that this time to decompress from the whole Angela thing would probably be good for them, she promised herself she would give things time, let work get back to normal, before addressing things with him. She knew that running back to him the second she arrived home would have been too emotional, and emotions make it hard to have rational conversations.
Emotions were what he was going to get though. Three days! She’d seen the heat in his eyes, the hurt haunted his expression every time he spoke to her about the budget or expense reports or new hires. Decker Morgan was a stubborn asshole and Katie was tired of waiting.
“Mr. Morgan?” She smiled inside when she saw his jaw tick and his body stiffen at the sound of her saying his name that way. “I was hoping to have a business dinner meeting with you tonight. I took the liberty of checking your schedule; you have no plans. I’ve set up reservations at that little Italian place off the courthouse square. I’ll see you at 7:00 p.m.” She smiled genuinely, knowing he was pissed that she was ordering him around. Yeah, well, I’m tired of you being in charge here. It’s time for you to relax the reigns a bit, bucko. And if he refused to relax the reigns? Well, his brother and cousins told her to keep at him, but she wondered if she’d be better off just to hand those reigns back over and let him go.
**********
Damn it. Things had gone from bad to worse, and he didn’t know how he’d gotten in the mess he was in. Decker kept telling himself things would be fine once the Angela fiasco was done. But, here he stood, three days since Kate came back home, and he’d not even spoken to her. Well, he’d spoken…but it was more like he’d spoken at her, not to her. He wanted to go back to the way things were; he wanted his sexy, beautiful, fun girlfriend back as his assistant manager and friend. But, he feared letting go and allowing her back into his life in that capacity. Last time he did that, all hell broke loose. Now, this huge problem was sitting between them, and he didn’t know how to address it. He felt like a stupid high school kid, letting emotions and miscommunication or total lack of communication cause this riff between them; pride was a vicious bitch, and he didn’t know how to overcome this.
His body ached to hold her, laugh with her, kiss her. Hearing Mr. Morgan on her lips was enough to have him growing hard; having her tell him what to do both pissed him off and turned him on. And now he had a business meeting with her.
Before she had left his office, he’d blurted out, “Can I pick you up for this business meeting?” The longing in her eyes almost did him in; he wanted to cross the room and gather her in his arms and never let go. But he watched her steel herself and shake her head. “No, I’ll meet you there.” Seemed he wasn’t the only one being stubborn.
He pulled his sleek black car into the parking lot at 6:55 p.m. He watched as Kate pulled in as well. She stood from her car, adjusting her gray dress. His eyes traveled down her legs and his gut clenched at the sight of her shiny red shoes. Exiting his car quickly, he strode toward her attempting to look casual. Stopping in front of her, he looked to the ground sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. When he lifted his eyes to hers, he smiled bashfully. “Kate, it’s good to see you, you look gorgeous.” Leaning in, he meant to just place a kiss on her cheek, but his heart and body had other plans. One hand slid around her waist and he found himself pressed hard against her as he breathed in her scent. “God, Bug, I miss you.” He swallowed deeply, took a deep breath as if to fortify himself for what was to come, and kissed her cheek softly.
They turned to enter the restaurant. He reached to hold her hand, but she moved it from him; shaking her head no. He knew she was fighting her feelings, but he also knew she had a motive for this meeting. Upon being seated, Kate excused herself to the restroom and Decker placed an order for wine.
Staring at her reflection in the mirror, Katie attempted to get her breathing under control. Hearing him speak that ridiculous nickname had brought stinging tears to her eyes; feeling his body against hers had shook her to the core. She wanted him and what they had back more than ever, but she needed to make sure he was clear on where she stood.
Returning to the table, Katie gratefully sipped the wine placed before her. After placing their orders, an awkward silence fell over the table.
“Decker, I feel like we slipped off track and instead of righting ourselves we’ve let that one little slip derail us completely. We went from confident, mature, intelligent people in love, to ridiculously immature, ignorant, stubborn people who don’t talk. This dinner isn’t to point fingers or place blame; all of that is water under the bridge and there’s no reason to rehash it.” Sipping her wine, enjoying the sweetness on her tongue, she continued.
“My dad was, is, a lot like you. I watched my mom compete for his attention with his job. He couldn’t divide his focus or his time between the two, so they split up. I could never compete for my dad’s attention when he as working. I spoke to my dad while I was out of town and he floored me by admitting he was wrong; he wishes he had divided his time or chosen my mom and me over his work. It’s too late for him to do that now, but his admission had me thinking about us. I’m not planning marriage and kids right now; heck, I’m not even 100% sure about us right now. But, if we work through this issue and decide to make it work, I have to know that you will always choose me and our life over your work. I can’t ever think of bringing kids into this life if I’m not assured that their father will always put his focus on them and me before anything in his professional life. You’ll have me on your side at work, I’ll support you and help you run The Center+ like the kickass business it is. But, home and love and family will always come first.” Draining her wine and looking at the hard expression etched on his face, she drew in a deep breath. “If you can assure me of that, then I want to ask that we try to work this out. If you can’t assure me of that, then I want to ask if you think we can still work together; if not, I’ll give my two week notice and begin searching for another job.” Grateful that the waiter took that moment to fill her wine glass and deliver their plates, Katie took another gulp of her wine.
She had said what she’d come to say; she felt strong. Daring a look at Decker, she tried to read the look on his face. His expression gave away nothing. Katie wanted him to assure her; with every fiber of her being she wanted him to promise her forever and choose her over all else. But, she knew Decker almost as well as she knew herself, and she knew what she’d just laid out to him could easily go the other way. She was prepared to only be his assistant manager if that’s what he wanted; in her heart, she knew it would be best if she tendered her resignation and began searching for another job. But, for the moment, she sat and waited for Decker to respond.
**********
Throughout an excruciatingly long dinner, she waited for him to process what she’d told him. After paying the bill, arguing that he’d put it on The Center+ since it was a business dinner, Decker took her hand in his. “Can we walk?” The heat from his hand shot straight to her heart, and she nodded mutely.
“Is this okay?” Decker held their intertwined hands up between them as he asked the question.
“It’s the only place I ever want my hand to be, Decker. But, I guess it depends on what you’re thinking and what you’re going to say.” Katie smiled a little regretfully at him as she removed her hand from his.
Breathing deeply, Decker stared at the sidewalk. “I don’t know if I can offer assurances, Kate. I love you more than I love breathing, but this is who I am. I take the responsibility of the business and my family very seriously. I want you by my side, as my partner and my friend, as my life, but I can’t promise that things at work will never take me away from you or our family. Rationally, I want to say that I would always choose you and any children we may have one day. But, I know how I am; if something were to come up at work, I know I’d drop things to be there. I’d like to think I’d never miss a ballet recital or baseball game, I’d like to think I’d be at every school function, home for dinner every night, and there for bedtime. But, I’m devoted to my family’s business; I’ve been devoted to The Center+ since I was old enough to know I wanted to run it and make it bigger and better. I want to say I could split my devotion and my focus and my responsibilities, but it’s not something I can promise.” He stopped walking by a bridge. Listening to the gurgling water flow, Katie took in his next words. “I love you, Kate. But, years from now, I don’t want you disappointed in me or angry that I’ve not lived up to what you want or need. If promises and assurances are what you need for a future I can’t see, I’ll have to step aside; when I give my word, it’s as good as gold. You’re wanting my word on something, but it’s something I can’t predict or control; I can’t give my word on something like that. This is killing me, Kate. But, I’ll understand if you can’t do this without those assurances.” He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his forehead against hers. “I love you, Kate. I want to beg you to stay, but I understand why you need what you need. I’m so very sorry that I can’t give you that. I don’t want to make any decisions about your position at work tonight. Let’s give it a few days and see how we’re feeling; I don’t want to lose you at The Center+, but we may find it’s just too hard to work together.” His breath mingled with hers, and she closed her eyes against the onslaught of feelings.
With a tearful sniff, she spoke quietly. “I knew this outcome was a possibility; I just kept thinking that what we had would be enough, that our love would pull you out of your cocoon of control. I know this is how you are, I think I was just hoping that I’d been enough for you; I wanted you to choose me.” Her lips met with his, a mournful mating; love and goodbye mixed together. “Decker, I love you. So very much. Thank you for all that we had. I will cherish it always.” A last kiss, one last embrace, and she turned to go. Stopping briefly, she spoke, “I’ll work from home for a while. Let’s discuss my position in a couple days.” Retreating quickly before he could see the tears streaming down her face, she dropped into the driver’s seat and drove off.
Decker stood, rooted to the sidewalk, and watched his life fade from view.
Chapter 30
“Katie, you’re an idiot.” Grandma glared at her over a steaming mug of tea.
“Excuse me?” A stunned Katie was instantly defensive. She’d been working at home for two days; moping at home for two days was a more accurate description. When she’d finally told her grandmother about her conversation with Decker, this wasn’t the reaction she thought she’d get.
“Child, I understand you want to protect yourself from what your mother and you went through with your dad. I get it, I really do. But in attempting to protect yourself, you’ve basically done the exact same thing to Decker that he originally did to you when he was trying to protect you from Angela. You’re pushing him away, but worse than that, you’re asking that boy to make promises about something that hasn’t even happened yet. You aren’t married and you don’t have children, but you want him to promise he’ll never take a work call or have a meeting that runs into dinnertime. Can you promise him that you’ll never miss a day of work with a sick child? Can you promise him that you’ll get up with a hungry baby every night, even when you’ve got an early morning meeting?” When Katie started to protest, Grandma held her hand up to shush her. “Think about what I’m saying Katie. Some promises are easy, but some are hard. Life gets in the way of promises sometimes. You’re not being fair to Decker. You know his word is everything to him. Asking him to give his word on something like this, it’s unreasonable.” Grandma watched Katie’s face as she processed the information. Hanging her head, Katie felt defeated.
“I just want him to say that he will always choose me and our family over work. Daddy didn’t do that, I don’t want my kids to go through being second to a business.” Katie’s eyes shone with tears.
“What if I asked you to promise me something? Would you try your best to do it?” Grandma spoke softly and rubbed Katie’s hand.
“Of course I would. I love you. That’s what I want Decker to do; I want him to say he’ll try his best to keep that promise.” Katie nodded her head emphatically at her grandmother.
“Okay, what if I asked you to promise me you’ll be with me when I die. I want you to prove your love to me by b
eing by my side when I die.” Grandmother held her chin high and challenged Katie.
Annoyed, Katie tried to avoid the question. “Grandma, I don’t like talking about you dying; you’re asking for something you know I can’t do. I’d have to be glued to your side 24 hours a day in order to keep that promise; we have no clue when you’re going to die. That’s a totally unfair example to use against me.”
“But you’re doing the same to Decker, hon. You’re asking him to predict soccer schedules and piano recitals and family dinners along with expense reports and staff meetings and water main breaks at work.” Grandma nodded sagely at the younger girl. Watching her granddaughter, she knew the information was sinking in, even if she didn’t like what she was hearing.
“Fine, Grandma, you’ve made your point. I’m going to run into work. The Center+ is closed, but I’ve got some files I need to grab. I may also use the gym to work out some of the millions of thoughts in my head right now. I’ll be home by 11:00p.m., but don’t worry about waiting up. Just let Mom know where I am, okay?” Katie gathered the tea cups, and leaned down to kiss the old woman on the head. “Thanks Grandma. Once again, you gave me the ability to see things for what they really are instead of allowing me to look at things through fogged-up glasses.”
“Well, Katie, when you’re as old as I am, you’ve had a lot of time to see things for what they really are. Get your thoughts together, but don’t waste too much time. That boy loves you, don’t make him sit around being as miserable as you’ve been.” Grandma smiled and leaned her head back to catch a little shut-eye before her favorite program came on TV.
**********
Kate: Can we talk? I’m heading into The Center+ to get some files and run on the treadmill. Can I come over around 9:00p.m.?
Decker read the message and smiled to himself. He was miserable without her. His only consolation was Sawyer and Kendrick reporting to him that Kate was just as miserable. He wasn’t happy she was miserable, but he hoped maybe this text meant she’d reassessed her stance on their future. He wanted more than anything to be able to promise her what she wanted to hear, but he just couldn’t; he wished she could see that.