by Linda Kage
Sarah knew nothing about the gory, awful parts of last night, though.
“The babysitter,” I realized, snapping my fingers. “Right. How’d she do?”
My guts tightened instantly, worried my sister hated Reese.
If she did, I’d get the glowing girl fired before her next night to babysit. But a part of me dreaded that possibility, even though it’d probably be safer for her to be far away from me and my home, where Patricia might accidentally discover her name and start connecting dots. Yet another part of me really wanted her and Sarah to, I don’t know…connect. Sarah needed someone to talk to and bond with, but still… It’d probably be best for Reese if I got her away from us.
Holding my breath, I waited nervously for the feedback. I would know for sure whether or not Reese had been worth spending even a second fantasizing over if Sarah told me she’d been treated awful last night.
But my sister’s face lit up with the biggest, brightest smile I think I’ve ever seen her make.
“I love her,” she gushed. “She is so cool. She put makeup on me and made a camp for me…in the middle of the living room. And she read me stories, and, and… And she acted like she might really like me. We ate cookies and s’mores. It was so awesome. Do you think she might really like me?”
“Hell, yes,” I answered immediately. “Why wouldn’t she? I mean, you’re okay, for a twelve-year-old.”
All the while, I mentally shook my head, amazed, because I’d never heard Sarah talk this much at one time before. Usually, she avoided long sentences because her speech patterns weren’t the best and she accidentally drooled more when she talked. The whole process made her seriously self-conscious, so she tended to not even try.
But she was so excited to tell me about her night, she didn’t even care about any of that as she gushed on, telling me everything. Her CP kicked in more when she was animated like this, too, making her body waver and jerk. But this morning, that couldn’t even bother her. She was just a girl, eager to tell her brother about the amazing time she’d had with her new babysitter.
I almost burst into fucking tears to see her so happy and carefree. In the middle of telling me about the junk food she and Reese had snacked on, she paused to frown. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
I shook my head, too overcome to speak just yet. Then I cleared my throat. “I just…” I flailed out a hand. “I don’t know.”
Would it be weird if I pulled her into my arms and bawled into her hair right now because I was so happy?
Yeah, probably.
So, I managed to refrain.
Sarah stared at me, her eyebrows furrowing. “You don’t think she likes me, do you?”
“What?” I cried, immediately waving my hands. “No, no, no. That’s not what I was thinking at all. Of course, she likes you. Who wouldn’t like you? You’re the sweetest little goober there is.”
She frowned. “I’m not a goober.”
Chuckling, I ruffled her hair. “Of course you are. And I was just happy that you liked her.”
Sarah let out this sound. I swear, it was like a dreamy sigh. “I love her,” she swore with an adoration that made me shake my head slowly.
So the glowing girl had somehow managed to enthrall my sister too. Maybe there’d been a reason why I’d been instantly drawn to her after all.
As I dug up some socks from my drawer and pulled on a pair of Vans over them, Sarah continued to tell me about her evening until Mom popped her head into the room and jiggled her keys at us impatiently, announcing it was time for her and Sarah to go.
I hugged my sister goodbye and kissed the top of her head before murmuring in her ear, “I’m glad you had fun last night.”
She looked up at me, grinning. “I can’t wait until she comes back again tomorrow.”
I smiled into her gray-blue eyes and touched her hair before she wheeled herself away and rolled her chair from my room.
Damn. That girl. Seeing her smile was my kryptonite, I swear. I’d probably lay my soul at the feet of the devil just to make Sarah happy. So keeping the babysitter around was a must. I’d just have to figure out how to conceal her identity from a couple manipulative, conniving clients of mine in the process.
I was so busy trying to figure out how I was supposed to accomplish such a feat that I hurried off toward college without eating breakfast or thinking about what I might need to finish—homework-wise—before my first class.
I didn’t remember until I made it to campus that I was supposed to read the first chapter of my ethics textbook because we were going to discuss it today, and I just knew that if I didn’t even glance over it, I would be the first person the professor called on for input. It was Murphy’s Law.
So I found a free bench outside and plopped myself down. I’d just started Chapter One on why it was so important to even study ethics and was jotting down notes when it struck me how much I probably should’ve taken this damn class two fucking years ago. Because now my public image was mangled all to hell. There was no way to recover from what I’d become. Unless maybe I went somewhere new where no one knew what I was. But I couldn’t abandon Mom and Sarah, so that idea was out.
With each note I wrote, my spirits sank. I’d fucked my identity all to hell, all because I’d never seriously considered the ethical side of my actions. I mean, I knew I wasn’t being moral or virtuous, but it’d been for a good cause. For my family. So I did it anyway, except, now everything in me had suffered because of it.
I was about to slam the book closed because I wasn’t sure if I could take much more of this torturous guilt when a small, to-go cup appeared in front of me with a brown paper sack dangling beside it.
“Here,” a familiar voice said.
Like a shot of adrenaline straight to the bloodstream, my body reacted. I looked up and brushed my bangs out of my eyes with the end of my pen so I could clearly see the girl holding out the cup and bag. She was glowing again; the sun was shining in around her, making her silky dark hair sparkle to an almost blue hue.
“This is my apology,” she said, looking as serious as I’ve ever seen her, “for being such a rude, nosey bitch to you last night. I’m really sorry. I mean, what you do in your personal life is totally none of my business, and I shouldn’t have been meddlesome. Please believe me when I say I never meant to offend you.”
Confession #10: So maybe I needed to work on my small talk.
I was so startled I didn’t even know how to begin to react. I hadn’t been expecting any kind of apology, mostly because I didn’t need one. She hadn’t done anything wrong last night. It wasn’t a crime to ask questions. And her questions had seemed so innocent in their curiosity, lacking any kind of judgment to them, I wouldn’t have even called them rude questions. It was my own fault I’d managed to make myself feel guilty about a lot of points she’d brought up. That was on me. Not her.
She leaned in, filling my head with that scent that I was quickly coming to associate with her alone, and everything in me went tense with alert desire.
What the hell was she doing?
All I could think was kiss. She was going to kiss me. On the cheek? The forehead? Mouth? I had no clue, but I craved any of those possibilities so much that I just sat there in eager, frozen anticipation.
But then, all she did was set the cup and bag on the bench next to me before pulling away as soon as she was done.
“It’s a bear claw in the bag and a white chocolate mocha espresso in the cup,” she told me. “I don’t… I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I hope it’ll do.”
Disappointment filled me. I have no idea why I’d been thinking she was going to kiss me. I was an idiot, I guess.
Her smile was so big and tense, I knew I should say something, but… Nothing came to mind. My thoughts raced. I should thank her; it was the most suitable reply. But I wanted to reassure her most of all that she had nothing to apologize for.
Damn, life was so much easier when people just told you what to do and
say. Except that was the very life I wanted to break away from. So I should be able to handle this.
Which I totally didn’t do.
Unease filled the cracks of tension in the smile she flashed me. “Okay, then,” she said with forced cheer, before clearing her throat and taking a step back. “Have a good day.”
With that, she turned away and left.
And I had said absolutely nothing the entire time she’d stood there.
My heart began to pound with these big, walloping thumps, as if trying to beat me up from the inside for my lame, awkward reaction. Not being prepared for her abrupt appearance was no excuse. I was a dumbass, plain and simple. I was tempted to stand up and race after her, apologize, or…I don’t know. Do something to feel better about how I hadn’t even spoken.
But seriously, she’d be better off if I stayed out of her life. I’d already put a target on her back. Except, dammit, she’d made my sister happy. The very least I could do was thank her for that.
Then again, I was a little too tuned in to everything she did. It could grow into an unhealthy obsession if I didn’t watch myself. And this was so not the time for me to spend my energy thinking about a girl that was so obviously off-limits.
I glanced after her, watching her become smaller as she moved farther away, and some strange knot of tension loosened inside me, even as other things perked up, growing a little too excited for my comfort.
It was the strangest experience. How could one person relax you even as they made you tenser?
Yeah, I should probably just stay away from that. I was grateful for everything she’d done for Sarah, but honestly, the best thing I could do for her was back off.
Yet even as I made my decision, I glanced down at her apology gift.
As unnecessary as it was, it was still sweet of her. Curiosity got the best of me; I picked up the cup, studying the logo on the side. I’d never ordered anything there, unable to convince the cheapskate side of myself that spending that much for a simple drink was worth it.
I took my first, hesitant sip, only to rear back when I burned my tongue.
Shit.
Hot.
But, hmm, not bad.
Prepared for the heat this time, but unable to stay away because it was all just too tempting, I drank again.
It reminded me of her: sweet and bold, yet innocent with a hint of sass. An exciting yet soothing flavor.
I finished it before I meant to, kind of wishing I’d drawn out the experience a little longer to truly savor each swallow. But I wanted to see what was in the bag before my first class started. So I opened it and pulled out the pastry that Reese had called a bear claw. The smell got to me, reminding me I’d skipped breakfast, so I bit in enthusiastically and even moaned at the flavor.
I looked down at the book that was still open in my lap and realized it was probably time for me to get to class. After I gathered my things and stood, I glanced toward the nearest trash can to toss the empty cup and bag, only to notice the side of the cup read Reese written sloppily in black marker on the side.
For some reason, that clued me into the fact that she hadn’t been carrying two cups when she’d given me her apology. And if she’d ordered two drinks, would they write her name on both? I had no idea; I’d never bought anything there before. But it all made me wonder… Why would she go to the coffee shop and get me something, yet nothing for herself? Unless she’d gotten it for herself and only planned on giving it to me at the last moment in a split-second decision when she saw me sitting here.
Don’t ask why my mind went there. It made no difference either way and yet… It kind of did. A pre-planned purchase would mean it had been bothering her all night. But a spur-of-the-moment, hey-there-he-is, I-should-give-him-something kind of situation would put me a little more at ease, and I don’t think I could then feel so bad for my crappy response to it.
In any case, it was a sweet gesture, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl behind it throughout my morning classes. She seemed like the simple, open, cheerfully bright sort, and yet that made her so puzzling to me. Did women like that really exist? Or was I just so jaded by my latest encounters with them to know any better?
By the time lunch rolled around, the bear claw had worn off. I headed to the cafeteria, but as I approached from a side hall, Reese strolled out, not far behind a group of other girls, though it was obvious she wasn’t with them. Carrying a salad and drink with her book bag strapped over her back, she hurried ahead to catch the door to outside with her hip as it began to fall closed from the other departing ladies.
Wedging her way out with both hands full, she kept walking with a confidently perky stride, her silky straight hair swishing from one side to the other over the lump of her backpack.
Through the windows, I watched her sit, and though she was alone, she didn’t look lonely. She just looked so perfectly content to be exactly where she was and doing exactly what she was doing that it drew me in like a moth to a flame.
My own lunch forgotten, I followed her outside. Also exiting my memory banks was my decision to stay away from her. Nothing good could come from getting anywhere near this girl, and yet before I knew it, before I even knew what I would say to her, I was at her table.
My shadow fell over her lunch, making her jerk in surprise. Gasping, she looked up as if she expected to see a serial killer.
I almost took a step back and lifted my hands to show her that I came in peace. But could there ever be any peace in her life if I was hanging around it? The best thing I could do here was apologize and get the hell lost.
But I remained.
Shaking her head, she blinked a haunted look from her eyes before wrinkling her nose in confusion when she realized it was me. She made a sound as if the beginning of a question, but she never asked anything.
So I said, “What’d you say that drink you gave me this morning was called again?”
No idea why I asked that. I didn’t give a fuck what the drink was called. But it was something to say and kept me from blurting out other things that were really on my mind, namely an apology of my own.
“Umm…” She shook her head slightly, probably wondering why I was finally talking to her. That made two of us. “Uh, it was a…a white chocolate mocha espresso. Why?”
Why? Why did she have to say why? I had no idea why I’d asked, other than to say something.
Panicking, I just nodded and made a humming sound in the back of my throat, trying to play it off. “It wasn’t bad,” I said. “Thanks.”
Thanks?
Wow, I was a moron.
“Well…” She kept staring at me as if I’d lost my mind. “Yeah. And…and thank you for, you know, forgiving me for the way I acted last night.”
I squinted at her, trying to remember when I’d forgiven her for anything. This would probably be a good time to tell her she hadn’t even needed to apologize.
But she blew out a pleased breath and swiped at her brow, looking relieved. “I thought you totally hated me.”
For real? Yikes, I guess I needed to work on my expressions if she’d ever thought that. Or maybe I should congratulate myself for being so awesome at concealing what I was really feeling.
Since I didn’t like knowing I’d worried her, I admitted, “No. I don’t… I don’t hate you.” But I had to look away as I said it because it felt a little too intimate of a thing to admit out loud.
This was so fucking awkward. You’d think I’d know how to talk to a girl. But since the conversation didn’t revolve around how and where she wanted it, I was just…lost.
Okay, I told myself. Just… Just pretend she’s Sarah. I could talk to Sarah. No problem.
Then again, most of my Sarah interactions involved brotherly teasing. Was it okay to tease a girl you wanted, even though you shouldn’t want her?
No clue. But thinking about my sister did cause me to remember.
“So I talked to Sarah this morning,” I blurted, grabbing the straps of my mess
enger bag for moral support.
“Oh, God,” Reese moaned, closing her eyes and slapping a hand to her forehead. “She told you about the makeup, didn’t she? Oh…fudge. Is Dawn pissed? Is she going to fire me? I swear, I removed every inch of it before she went to bed. We even—”
“No!” I cried, waving a hand to reassure her. Then I realized. Okay. “Yes,” I amended, since Sarah had told me something about makeup. Then I muttered a curse under my breath, mortified by how badly I was flubbing this up.
To calm myself, I blew out a long breath. Then I started over.
“Yes,” I said slowly. “Sarah told me about the makeup. She told me about everything you two did last night. And no, Mom is not going to fire you.” I grinned in amusement over the very idea. “She’s probably going to give you a bear hug the next time she sees you.”
Okay, so Mom probably wouldn’t do that either, but it was what I wanted to do for the way she’d delighted my sister, so I felt the need to mention it, even if it were in correlation with my mother and not me.
“Sarah was absolutely glowing this morning,” I explained. “I’ve… I’ve honestly never seen her so happy. So whatever you think you did to annoy me last night after my shower has been erased tenfold by everything you did for my sister.”
Her mouth fell open. She looked affected—in a good way—so I began to think, yes, I wasn’t botching this conversation up after all.
But then a moment later, her nose wrinkled with irritation. “And you couldn’t have said anything like this to me earlier this morning, because… Why?” she demanded, flinging out a hand as if waiting for me to explain myself.
It was so freaking cute, I couldn’t help myself. I smiled.
Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what this girl was made of.
Her scowl deepened, and yet I knew she wasn’t pissed-pissed at me. Not sure how I knew that, but I could just feel it. It was like an already forgiven kind of irritation on her face.