by Pippa Wright
The house was quiet when I woke up again, and sharp blocks of bright sunlight patterned my bed, breaking through between the curtains. There were sounds from Elgin Square outside – children playing on the swings, cars revving as they negotiated the speed bumps. I pushed the duvet away and opened one eye experimentally. The light made me wince, but my head no longer hurt; perhaps I’d managed to sleep through the worst of the hangover. I swung my legs down to the floor and sat up, rubbing my eyes. Pulling open the curtains allowed light to flood the room. As I stood at the window, looking down into the square, I caught sight of the tiny faraway figures of Percy and Eleanor on the corner, turning towards Clapham Old Town. I wondered where they were off to, and together too. At least their new-found entente meant I would be spared their arguing over the kitchen table this morning.
I pulled on my pyjamas and dressing gown and stumbled downstairs. The door to the first-floor bathroom was closed as I descended the stairs – I could hear the sound of The Archers from inside, which meant Auntie Lyd was taking one of her long baths. Now that the bathrooms were finished at last, she had taken to staying in hers for hours – perhaps because it was the only place she could escape the demands of her paying guests.
In the kitchen, Jim had dismantled the sink and stood straddling it, his front spattered with dirty water.
‘Hi,’ I grunted. It surely couldn’t be long before Jim moved on to sponge off some other family. The bathrooms were finished, the downstairs loo had been replaced, and he seemed to have been working on the kitchen for weeks. Although I hadn’t caught him rooting around in Auntie Lyd’s belongings again, I suspected he was just making up jobs now to get more money out of her.
‘Rory,’ said Jim, putting down his toolbox and wiping his hands on the front of his tight T-shirt. ‘I need to talk to you. Sit down.’
I was so surprised that he’d called me by my real name that I forgot to object to his peremptory command, and sat obediently on one of the kitchen chairs. I pulled my dressing gown tighter around me and held it protectively at my neck.
‘Rory, do you know anything about the man I found leaving your house this morning carrying half the contents of your aunt’s fridge?’
‘What?’ I asked, entirely confused.
‘He seemed to know you. He said you’d told him to help himself.’ Jim stood over me with his arms folded. His eyes had narrowed into dark slits and I felt as if it had been me who was caught sneaking out with a load of food.
‘I – I didn’t,’ I began.
‘But you did invite that man into your aunt’s house?’ demanded Jim, towering above me intimidatingly.
‘It’s my house too, you know. I can invite anyone I want back here,’ I protested. ‘Anyway, he was probably just hungry. He’s allowed to have a bit of toast; stop overreacting.’
‘Rory,’ said Jim, sighing and running his hand through his highlighted hair. ‘Helping yourself to a bit of toast is not the same thing as loading up a carrier bag with a loaf of bread and two pints of milk. What sort of man does that? He even had a tin of cat food in there.’
‘He’s got a dog,’ I said feebly. Malky probably thought it was the least I owed him after Mr Bits had attacked Gordon. It wasn’t as if he’d been caught taking money out of Auntie Lyd’s purse. It wasn’t as if Malky was going to overcharge my aunt for unnecessary plumbing work. It wasn’t like he’d been found going through my aunt’s private belongings, actually. I crossed my own arms defensively. ‘And anyway, it’s not really any of your business, Jim.’
‘I’m just looking out for you, Rory. For you and your aunt.’
‘It’s really not necessary,’ I said stiffly.
‘No. It’s not. But I can’t help worrying about you, Rory. I know you’ve got this stupid thing about unsuitable men, I get what you’re trying to do, but you need to be careful. Don’t get yourself into dodgy situations just because you’re trying to prove something.’
‘I’m not trying to prove anything,’ I snapped.
‘Really? Seems like it to me.’
‘Why would you— No.’ I held up a hand. ‘I’m not interested in what you think, Jim. You may have my aunt fooled with your sucking up, but I know what you’re up to. You’ve got a nerve telling me to look out for dodgy situations when you’re – you’re—’
Jim’s eyes glittered dangerously. ‘When I’m what?’
‘I don’t know exactly,’ I warned. ‘But I don’t trust you. What sort of man spends so much time hanging out with a bunch of pensioners – evenings, weekends – without an ulterior motive? I want you to know I’m watching you. You won’t rip off Auntie Lyd on my watch.’
‘Rip her off?’ said Jim, taking a menacing step towards me. ‘You think I’m spending all this time here to rip her off?’
‘Well, why else would you have dragged this job out for months? You might have Auntie Lyd fooled, but you haven’t fooled me.’
‘And what exactly is your evidence for my great rip-off scheme?’ demanded Jim. ‘What proof do you have that I’ve done anything other than help your aunt out?’
‘For money,’ I pointed out. ‘You aren’t helping her out, you’re working here for money, actually.’
‘Of course for money, I don’t work for nothing – do you? Come on. Prove it. If you’re going to make serious allegations like that you need to be able to back them up.’
‘I caught you looking through the kitchen drawers!’ I stood up to face him.
‘That’s it? One time I was looking for biscuits and suddenly I’m a thief? That’s all you’ve got?’
‘It’s all I need, Jim,’ I said, feeling myself beginning to shake. I didn’t need an incriminating sheaf of bank statements to know that his behaviour didn’t add up. ‘I’ve got my eye on you. Don’t think you’ll get away with it.’
Jim’s face was thunderous. He strode towards me as if he was going to take hold of my shoulders and shake me; I ducked away from him and ran up the stairs. I could hear him shouting behind me, so I grabbed my coat from the rack in the hall, shoving my feet into a pair of Auntie Lyd’s shoes that had been left by the front door. I buttoned the coat as I ran into the square, but when I turned back to check, there was no sign of Jim. Most likely he was panicking now he knew I was on to him. He was probably already trying to get Auntie Lyd on his side, whispering lies to her through the bathroom door. It was like he was trying to protect his investment by driving me away.
Now that I’d flounced dramatically out of the house, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t have any money and, feeling in my pockets, there was still no sign of my phone, so I couldn’t have called anyone even if I’d had anyone to call. Once I would have rung Auntie Lyd if I found myself in an upsetting situation, but Jim had wormed his way into her trust, and I honestly wasn’t sure if she would take my side against him. Although I was annoyed with Malky myself – for an unsatisfactory night and for running off without saying goodbye – I couldn’t believe that he would have stolen food from us. Jim was so quick to judge, I bet he’d just found Malky leaving the house with a sandwich and had turned it into some great big drama to try to alienate me from Auntie Lyd. All part of his plan, whatever his plan was.
As I stomped towards the Common I fumed with anger. Auntie Lyd’s house, once my only refuge, had turned into a place where I felt barely welcome. I’d hardly had a moment to see Auntie Lyd alone for weeks. Jim was always there, in the way, cosying up to her, excluding me. If he was going to be a permanent fixture at Elgin Square, it was time I moved on.
Tears of self-pity sprang up in my eyes as I contemplated the alternative: moving into a shared house with strangers. Fine in your twenties, but at my age? At nearly thirty? I should have been making a home with someone, settling down. Who had I been kidding with this unsuitable-men thing? All it had done was unsettle me. Everyone had said it would be a learning experience, but all I had learned was that I yearned for a suitable man. One who would be kind and reliable. Within ten years of my age. And who would
n’t steal the food from my aunt’s house. I knew there would have to be compromises, but it was time to acknowledge that I was not a girl who craved exciting adventure. I could leave that to other girls. It was time to give up the unsuitable men and get on with finding one who was suitable.
Scowling at the ground while pacing my angry strides meant I hadn’t taken note of how far I’d walked. When I looked up I saw that my steps had taken me to one of the quiet ponds at the top of the Common, ringed by trees that hushed the sound of the constant traffic. On an island in the middle of the pond primroses and crocuses spread under the trees, protected from walkers and dogs. A sign ambitiously referred to ‘the lake’ and advised of the wildlife that might be seen. I caught sight of a heron, folded up like a newspaper, sitting motionless on a branch while a family of ducklings swam under it. Looking past the birds, I stared into the murky water as if I might scry a more positive future for myself in its depths.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm and I flinched. I was so certain it would be Jim, having followed me out of Auntie Lyd’s house, that for a moment I just stared blankly at the couple who stood smiling expectantly next to me.
‘Rory?’ said the woman. ‘Rory, it’s Anna. How are you?’ She tilted her head to one side with concern and I had a horrible realization of how insane I must look to her, unmade up, hair all over the place, wearing a coat over my pyjamas and dressing gown in public in the middle of the day.
She beamed next to her husband, her cheeks shining. I had been at their wedding six months ago, hand in hand with Martin, wondering if we would be next. It felt like a lifetime ago.
‘Ah, hi, Rory,’ said Max, clearing his throat. ‘Good to see you. Sorry we’ve been out of touch.’ He shuffled his feet and looked to Anna for reassurance.
‘We’ve been a bit preoccupied,’ she confided, wrapping her arm around Max’s waist. ‘Rory, we’re having a baby.’
The tears that I had only just suppressed came dangerously close to the surface again. In truth I was happy for them both, but I was terrified they would report my deranged appearance and my tears at their news to Martin, who would no doubt read something far worse into them. I should have been looking amazing, gorgeous, pulled together. Why hadn’t they bumped into me when I was flirting in the pub garden with Malky last night, confident and laughing?
‘Congratulations,’ I said in a strangled voice. ‘Wow, really, congratulations. What lovely news. When are you due?’
‘August the 10th,’ they said in unison, and burst out laughing. Max bent his head to kiss Anna’s hair.
‘A summer baby, how lovely,’ I said dutifully.
‘And how are you?’ asked Anna. It was clear from her worried expression that she had already made up her mind: Rory has become a crazy lady who is no longer even capable of dressing herself.
‘Oh, you know,’ I said as breezily as I could manage. ‘Just trying to walk off a hangover – bit of a big night last night. You know how it is when you’re single. Busy, busy. Out all the time. Dating, that sort of thing.’
‘Gosh yes, exhausting,’ agreed Anna. ‘I feel quite glad I’m excused from all that these days, don’t you, Max?’
‘I’ll say. Getting a bit much at our age,’ said Max, as if he was ninety-five instead of thirty-two. ‘Ah, that’s to say, for us old married types. Different for you, Rory, obviously. Different for you.’
‘We do miss you, Rory,’ said Anna, her eyebrows knitted sympathetically. ‘I shouldn’t say it, but I think Martin does too.’
I wasn’t sure how to answer. I had spent so much time imagining Martin cavorting with his new girlfriend that I had hardly considered the possibility he might actually miss me. I had thought that missing the ex was my role to play, not his.
‘’Course he does,’ blustered Max. ‘That Melinda girl’s a total princess. Pain in the arse if you ask me.’
‘Max,’ warned Anna, nudging him sharply with her elbow. ‘I’m sure Rory doesn’t want to hear about that. She’s clearly moved on, from the sound of it. Haven’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I said, a bit too fast. I didn’t even want to admit to myself the masochistic desire to hear everything about Martin’s new girlfriend. Safer for all of us that the conversation changed before I began begging for information. ‘Yes, absolutely. Moving on.’ I made a half-hearted little pointing gesture with my hand and they both laughed politely.
Max looked at his watch and cleared his throat again.
‘I really should be going,’ I said, rushing to fill the awkward silence. ‘Look at me, not even properly dressed. What a disgrace. It was lovely to see you both, and congratulations again.’
Anna reached towards me for a hug. Between us I could feel the gentle swell of her stomach, and I hugged her tighter. Max patted my back hesitantly as we pulled apart, as if I were a small dog they had encountered on their walk.
‘We must get together soon,’ he said. I made noises of agreement, but I think we all knew that we wouldn’t be meeting up again. They were part of my life with Martin and that was over now. He and Melinda would see the new baby when it was born, not me.
I turned around as I walked away from the pond. Anna and Max stood together by the water’s edge, his arm protectively around her shoulder. They waved sweetly at me, already looking parental, as if I was their small child heading off on its own for the first time, in need of encouragement. It felt like goodbye.
27
I walked away from Anna and Max and cut directly across the Common back to Auntie Lyd’s. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone else like this, unkempt and red-eyed and a figure of sympathy. Seeing Martin’s friends made me realize that it was time I took charge of myself. No more sulking about a relationship that was over. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more unsuitable men either; that column had served its purpose. And it was time to admit it was never going to bring me the love of my life. I’d learned all I needed to from the wrong men; now it was time to start looking for the right one. I was going to sort my life out, get back to being who I should be. I’d make changes at work based on my own skills and talents, not just the comic potential of my so-called love life. I felt renewed with the vigour and resolve of a new start, a new beginning. I would move out of Auntie Lyd’s. A house share wasn’t scary; it was the right thing to do. I’d meet new people that way, make friends my own age. Things were going to be different.
Turning my key silently in the front door, I hesitated on the doorstep, straining to hear any sound that might suggest the presence of either Jim or Auntie Lyd. Hearing nothing untoward, I tiptoed up the stairs to the bathroom. For all that Jim was an unwanted presence in the house, I had to admit he had transformed the plumbing. Gone was the trickle of rusty liquid that had passed for a shower before; now jets of steaming water beat a tattoo on the top of my head as I stood still, eyes closed. I grabbed a loofah from the side of the bath and attacked myself with it, scrubbing everywhere until my skin was pink and raw. I felt that I was scrubbing away the past, cleaning myself up for a future in which I would be better, stronger, different.
Out of the shower, I wrapped my hair in a towel and shrugged my dressing gown back on, ready to face a new world. When I opened the bathroom door, though, what I faced was Auntie Lydia, looking thunderous on the landing.
‘Aurora Carmichael,’ she said. ‘Where have you been? I’ve been ringing your phone for an hour.’
‘I – I think I lost it,’ I said, discomfited by her harsh expression.
‘Or you have been ignoring me.’
‘No, honestly, I lost it last night,’ I said. ‘I can’t find it anywhere.’
‘Fine. I would like you to explain, right now, why you have been hurling wild and insulting accusations at Jim.’
‘Auntie Lyd—’ I started.
‘Yes?’ she frowned, her lips pursed so tightly that the skin around her mouth puckered and whitened.
‘I just don’t trust him. I – I think he’s trying to rip you off. I think he’s got an ulte
rior motive, hanging out here all the time.’
‘Do you?’ said Auntie Lyd, her voice heavy with sarcasm. ‘Please enlighten me further. I assume you have some evidence for this accusation?’
‘Auntie Lyd,’ I pleaded. ‘It’s just a gut instinct – he’s up to no good. I’ve found him going through the kitchen drawers when you were out, and he’s made this job last way too long. I’m just trying to look out for you.’
She looked furious. I should have known Jim would have got to her first; poisoning her mind against me.
‘Excuse me for being confused, Aurora, but I am not quite sure what role I am playing in your ridiculous fantasies about Jim. Should I assume that I am the confused old lady, too senile to be aware of a nefarious plot against her?’
‘No, no, Auntie Lyd, that’s not it at all,’ I protested.
‘Oh really? Because with all of your talk about looking out for me, Aurora, you have caused nothing but difficulty since the moment you arrived here. Bringing strange men into my house to attack my cat and steal my food, sulking around the place being moody. I thought you’d come here to sort yourself out, but you just seem to be getting worse.’
‘I’m not,’ I insisted. ‘I am sorting myself out. You’re not giving me a chance.’
‘I’ve given you plenty of chances,’ snapped Auntie Lyd. ‘I thought you were going to embrace a new life here, but instead you’ve wasted your time going out with extraordinarily stupid men—’