by Juliet Woods
I struggle to catch my breath as we both recover from the intense climax, his body still pressed against mine, his cock still inside me.
“Oh my God, Lily, you were amazing. Your pussy is amazing. I love that I got to be your first.”
I feel so relaxed and peaceful now. I look at his beautiful face just inches from my own, and trace the lines of his jaw and chin.
“It was … intense,” I say, smiling. “I liked it. A lot. And I’m so happy you were my first, too.”
“You looked so sexy when you came,” he says. “I think you may be my new addiction.”
“Good,” I say. “I didn’t want that to be our only time together.”
“Are you kidding?” he asks, propping his head up on his hand. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”
I laugh, then look down to see him grab his cock at the base and start to slide it out of me.
I whine. “But it feels so good,” I protest. “Can’t you stay inside me?”
“Lily, you’re going to make me fuck you again right now,” he growls. “And I don’t want to make you sore. I think we may need to wait a while before we do that again.”
I pout, amazed at myself for being so forward, as he pulls his still hard cock out of me and removes the condom.
I snuggle up against him, smiling. “Well, can I at least sleep in here with you tonight?”
“I wouldn’t want it any other way.” He pulls me into him with my head in the crook of his shoulder.
I feel so good, so safe, I almost can’t remember how I ever felt any differently before.
Is this really happening? Have I really, finally found a home and a family to belong to? It feels so real. It must be true.
Chapter 21
Ethan
I wake up with a smile on my face. Lily’s still in my arms. I breathe in the smell of her hair and skin, then quietly get out of bed and get dressed. I leave a note explaining that I’m taking Masie to school. Luck’s on my side today, because Lily’s still asleep when I get back.
I crawl back into bed with her, nuzzling into her hair.
“Good morning,” I say, finally rousing her from her slumber.
She opens her eyes with a smile, then frowns when she sees I’m dressed.
“Are you leaving?”
“Already left and came back. Like I said, you could sleep through a hurricane.” I smile. “Come on, I’ll cook you some breakfast.”
We both devour the meal of eggs, bacon, and pancakes. I decide to call in for the day. How can I go to work after the mind-blowing sex last night?
Cuddling up on the couch, I feel so content with her. The fact that I haven’t felt like this with any woman in a very long time is not lost on me. It feels good.
For some reason, my thoughts turn to the image of her gasping for air outside the charity dinner last night.
“Lily, you said you had a panic attack last night,” I say gently.
Her face darkens a little. “Yeah. I got really upset about Vivian.”
“I’m sorry about Vivian. She definitely is not the easiest person to deal with,” I say, stroking her long hair. “Did you have a panic attack the first day I met you in the flower shop?”
She hesitates, then nods. “Yeah, I have an anxiety disorder.”
I put my arm around her, drawing her close. “How long have you had that?”
She takes a deep breath, struggling. “Since my parents died in a car accident. It was about four years ago. I was 16, and my world came crumbling down around me. I suddenly had no one in the world to look after me. I became paralyzed with fear.”
I look into her deep blue eyes with tears welling in them. I brush her hair out of her face.
“You poor thing. That must have been terrifying,” I say.
She nods. “Yeah, it was. I went to live in group homes and foster homes since there were no relatives suitable for me to live with. I moved around about ten times the first year. I went from having a stable home life to not knowing where I was going to live from one week to the next.”
She takes another deep breath. When she speaks again, her voice is shaking.
“And on top of that, I was in some bad situations in some of the homes. Bullying kids, cruel foster parents. That kind of thing.”
I squeeze her arm, wishing I could block out all her pain.
“Around that time I started having panic attacks. It was like the fear just took hold of me, and I felt like I was dying. I became afraid of meeting new people, especially.”
I nod. My heart’s breaking for her. “That’s totally understandable. You’ve been through hell.”
“But you know, I feel so ridiculous that it’s still a problem today. I mean, I’m not in the foster care system anymore. It’s been four years. You’d think I’d get over it by now.”
“That’s not how it works, unfortunately,” I say. “These kinds of things that shake us to the core – they affect us for a long time. It’s like they leave scars.”
“Yeah, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back to the way I was,” she sniffs. “I mean, I know I’ll never get my parents back, but I wonder if I’ll just go through the rest of my life with this fear plaguing me.”
“I don’t think so,” I say. “You’re still so young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. But we can’t just always move on as if it never happened. Sometimes you have to work through these things.”
“How?”
“Lily, why don’t I make an appointment for you with a therapist? Just someone to talk to and help you process the emotions you have trapped away. She’s very good at what she does,” I say.
“Yeah, I’d be open to doing that,” she says. “That’s so sweet of you to want to help me.”
“Of course,” I say. “You went through some traumatic stuff at a young age. So don’t feel down on yourself. It’s normal you’d have some after effects of it today.”
“Is this therapist someone you saw? After you lost your wife?”
My stomach clenches. I suddenly feel the urge to change the subject. Instead, I get up and walk over to the window, looking out over Manhattan.
“Yes.”
Lily doesn’t say anything, but I can sense her gauging what to say next. I know she’s probably confused by my abrupt change in mood.
“Yes, I went to therapy for a couple of years. I had to. I didn’t know what else to do after Sara died. Nothing in the world made any sense, and I didn’t know how to exist without her. It was excruciating.”
“I’m so sorry, Ethan,” she says quietly.
“I was lucky to have Masie. I saw Sara in her face. But at the same time, I had to be everything to my daughter. And she’d cry every night for her mother. I couldn’t make her understand her mother was gone.”
I walk over to Ethan, and circle my arms around his waist. “You’ve done such a good job with her.”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’ve failed miserably with my daughter.”
“But why, Ethan? Masie is so happy and well taken care of. You’re a wonderful father to her. I’m surprised you would say that.”
I don’t want to tell her how my life was before she came into it. All the women I met, week after week. Fucking them in hotels, at their homes. Anything to escape the pain. Anything to distract myself.
Masie has never been made aware of these women, aside from the occasional date I’ve mentioned to her I was going on. My therapist thought that was a good idea – to know her father still has romance in his life at least to a small degree. But Masie has no idea about my hidden life apart from her. At least, the hidden life before I met Lily.
I was good at hiding this life from Masie, but every time I snuck out to fuck some woman I just met, it was time apart from Masie. Time she spent with a nanny. Each time I promised myself it would be the last. Each time I felt such self-loathing for my addiction, for my fucking weakness. The addiction that not even New York’s best shrink could fix.
I’m
not proud of it.
And how can I tell Lily all this? She doesn’t want to know the guy she just lost her virginity to had these kinds of secrets.
I shake my head sadly. I can’t tell her.
“Masie is a good kid despite my failures.”
“Ethan – I don’t understand --”
I look at my watch. “I’m sorry, Lily. I can’t talk about this now. I need to make some phone calls.”
I glance at her face and see the hurt and confusion as I turn away.
Fuck. Why am I doing this to her? I know it’s hurting her, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. The strong emotions I feel for her – the ones I’m losing control to – are terrifying me. Counseling helped me to see that dynamic, but it didn’t help me to do anything about it.
I walk away, leaving her standing there.
I’m such an asshole. I’m ruining the only chance I have at love by doing this.
But I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve Lily.
Chapter 22
Lily
Tears spring to my eyes as Ethan walks out of the room. My heart contracts as if a cold, icy hand were squeezing it shut.
What just happened? Did I say something wrong?
I thought things were going so great with us. I felt closer to him this morning than I’ve ever felt to a guy. I was physically connected to him last night, and this morning our minds and hearts seemed to merge. I told him about my parents and how I’ve suffered since then. I thought he was really getting it. He seemed to, at least. I know the sympathy and connection I felt from him were real.
And then he just withdrew when I started asking about his first wife. Did he get mad at me for mentioning her?
It can’t be that – it doesn’t make any sense.
But I definitely struck a nerve. He suddenly went from compassionate and sweet to cold and hardened.
Maybe he just doesn’t want to open up to me. Maybe he’s having second thoughts about letting me into his home and his family. Not to mention his heart.
I guess the whole thing was too good to be true.
I curl up on the couch and let the tears I’ve been fighting back finally come, my body shaking from the hurt and abandonment.
Ethan hides out in his home office all day. Then, in the afternoon, I hear him leave without saying a word. A half hour later, he returns with Masie. As I hear her moving around in her play room, he appears before me in the living room, his face stoic and blank.
“Lily, can you hang out with Masie? I need to step out for a couple of hours.”
I nod, searching his face for any trace of the person who held me in his arms just hours before. He seems so cold and distant now, and my heart sinks.
He’s lost to me.
I find Masie in her play room, half-heartedly changing the clothes of a doll from her dollhouse.
“Hey Masie!” I say cheerfully, trying to hide the heartbreak in my voice.
She looks up at me and smiles. “Will you play dolls with me?”
“Of course! Which doll am I?”
“You can be this one,” she says. I sit on the floor beside her, and she hands me a doll wearing a long dress. “They’re going to a fancy ball like the one you and Daddy went to.”
I nod. She hums a familiar tune – “I Love You Truly” – and we make the dolls spin and twirl to the music. I smile to myself, wondering how she knows such an old song. Ethan must have played it for her. I imagine him teaching her how to ballroom dance, her little hand in his.
Masie stops humming. “Why is Daddy so sad today?”
My heart jumps in my throat. I wish I knew, I think to myself.
“I’m not sure, sweetie,” I say. “I think he’s just in a bad mood. Everyone has a bad mood sometimes. But I know for sure he’s not mad at you.”
“Was he sad at the party last night?”
“No, he wasn’t. We had a good time.”
Masie ponders on this. “I guess Daddy just gets sad sometimes. He says it’s because he misses my mommy.”
I pause. “I can understand that. Do you miss your mommy, too?”
“Yeah. Sometimes I forget what she looked like, but I remember how she used to hold me in her arms when I was little. She was so soft, and she’d sing to me. I used to fall asleep like that.”
I nod. “That’s a nice thing to remember. My mommy used to hold me like that, too.”
“When you were little like me?”
“Yes, just like you.”
“Is your mommy still alive?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No, my mom and dad are both gone.”
“Your daddy too?” She frowns. “That’s terrible!”
I nod. “Yeah, it is.”
She puts her doll down and looks up at me. “Lily, can you hold me? Like a mommy holds her little girl?”
“Of course I can.” She scoots over to me and I circle her with my arms, pulling her close against me. She snuggles in and closes her eyes. I begin to sing the tune she was just humming, stroking her long blond hair. Her breathing slows down, and she finally dozes off in my arms.
Little by little, my heart, which was squeezed shut earlier today, begins to open up again. It swells, full of love for this sweet little girl.
Masie sleeps for a while, and though my legs are falling asleep, I don’t want to wake her. I love feeling close to her.
Hearing movement in the hallway, I look up to see Ethan standing in the doorway. All the blank iciness that was on his face earlier is gone, and he smiles down at us. He sits down on the floor beside us and kisses me on the cheek.
Does this mean we’re OK again? I wonder. There are so many questions I have, but for now I just relish the feeling of having him back by my side again.
His hand goes to Masie’s back and shakes her gently. “Masie, it’s time to wake up,” he says.
She stirs and opens her eyes, looking up at me, then at Ethan.
“You’re happy again, Daddy?” she asks sleepily.
He nods. “I’m always happy to see you, Masie.”
“I wanted Lily to hold me like Mommy used to,” she says.
“I think that’s wonderful,” he whispers, bending down to give her a kiss.
She sits up and looks at us both.
“I like you two together. You’re like two peas in a pod.”
I laugh and she hugs us both, then scampers out into the hallway toward the kitchen.
“Come on, who’s hungry?”
“Be right there!” Ethan calls to her. And to me, “I’m sorry about earlier, Lily.”
“It’s all right, Ethan --”
“No, it wasn’t all right. It was a cowardly thing to do. I got scared by the strong feelings I have for you, so I closed myself off. Lily, I care about you so much, and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I guess it’s hard to open myself up to it… I’m used to always being in control. And the way I feel for you is not something I can control.”
I nod, looking his face over, getting lost in his features.
“It hurt so much losing Sara, so I guess it’s just hard for me to risk that happening again.”
“I totally understand.”
He takes my hands in his. “But I want to take that risk. With you.”
He leans in and kisses me, and my stomach does back flips.
“I’m so glad to hear that,” I say. “I thought I’d done something wrong...”
“No, you’ve done everything right. Just be patient with me, OK? I have to work through my old demons. “
“I have to do the same thing,” I say, smiling.
“Good, we can work through them together. And Lily?” he pauses. “You looked so beautiful with Masie in your arms. Thank you for being so good to her.”
“I feel like I’m part of a family again. It feels so good to be here with you and her,” I say.
He smiles, standing up and helping me to my feet. “Let’s go get dinner.”
Chapter 23
Ethan
&n
bsp; “Wow, Masie, got enough raspberries on your plate?” I ask the next morning, looking at my daughter’s pancake heaped with red berries.
She giggles. “Fruit’s good for you, Daddy.”
“Rebecca, you have to stop spoiling my kid like this,” I call to our cook in the kitchen.
“Mr. Davidson, you know I can’t say no to Masie,” she says. “Who can resist her?”
She has a point. Masie has us all wrapped around her little finger.
“You’re one to talk,” Lily says, pointing at my plate of pancakes drenched in maple syrup. “Are you sure you put enough maple syrup on your pancakes?”
Masie laughs. “Daddy has a sweet tooth!”
“Hey! I’m carb loading before I hit the gym.”
“Yeah, right, Daddy. Lily, that’s what he always says.”
“Mr. Davidson just can’t turn down anything sweet,” Rebecca interjects.
“She’s got me on that one.” I look at Lily and wink.
She smiles, cutting off a bite of the pancake on her own plate. Breakfast is one of my favorite parts of the day. The three of us together, laughing and making plans for the day. Of course, sleeping next to Lily is great too, even though we didn’t have sex last night. She’s still way too sore for that. And waking up next to her is awesome as well.
I have to go into the office to get some work done today. As much as I hate tearing myself from Lily, someone’s got to manage the company. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with the therapist for Lily, but she needs something more than that to occupy her time.
“Lily, what do you think about doing some volunteer work?” I ask over breakfast with her and Masie. “Something to occupy your time.”
“I’d love it!” she exclaims. “I go crazy here alone when you and Masie are gone.”
“Great. Let me make some calls. I’ll turn you into a New York socialite wife before you know it.”
She laughs.