by Juliet Woods
My fists clench. They should have told me they were sending someone from the state to talk to Masie.
“I told them you pick me up from school every day and play with me. I didn’t understand why they asked me so many things… Daddy, am I in trouble?”
I swallow and try to keep my voice even, kneeling down to Masie’s level.
“Honey, you’re not in trouble at all. You didn’t do anything wrong. That was a person who works for the state. They make sure that kids are safe.”
“But why did they only talk to me? That lady didn’t talk to anyone else in class. I thought I must have done something wrong.”
I take a deep breath, glancing up at Lily. She has a worried look on her face, but even so, she gives me the strength I need.
“Masie, we need to talk. But first, I think we all need some ice cream.”
She smiles. “It’s a deal.”
Sitting around the table at home, I watch as Masie finishes the last of her mint chocolate chip cone and Lily works on her sundae. I already gulped down my low-fat milkshake. Somehow ice cream makes it a lot easier to give – and tell – bad news.
“Masie, do you remember your Aunt Vivian?”
She shakes her head blankly.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. The last time you saw her you were this tall.” I hold my hand low to the ground, and she giggles.
“I was just a baby?” she asks.
“Yeah, pretty much. So your Aunt Vivian has some strange ideas in her head. She says she wants you to go live with her.”
Her face falls. “But I live with you, Daddy. That’s silly.”
“It’s very silly, I agree. But Aunt Vivian is going to the court--”
“With the judge and the lawyers?”
“Yep, exactly. She’s going to tell the judge that you should go live with her because I’m not a good daddy to you.”
Her face twists up into a look of horror. “But that doesn’t make any sense. You’re the best daddy. I don’t want to live with anyone else!”
She climbs onto my lap, sobbing, and I press my cheek against her hair. “You’re not going to, baby. I’m not ever going to let that happen.”
Her little body shakes as she cries, and I stroke her hair.
“I didn’t want to tell you this, Masie, because I knew it would upset you. But I don’t want you to worry, OK? You’re not going to live with Aunt Vivian.”
She looks up at me and Lily, her face red and tear-stained. “I want to stay here with you and Lily. Please don’t let them take me away!”
I feel like a knife has pierced my heart. I hate to see her worried and crying. I hold her close, rocking her.
“I won’t let them, baby, I won’t let them. I promise.”
Lily puts her hand on Masie’s back to comfort her. “No one’s going anywhere,” she whispers.
The tears slow down, and Masie looks back up at me. “So that’s why the lady talked to me at school today?”
“Yes, that’s why. The state wants to know if you’re safe and happy here, and if I’m a good dad to you.”
Masie sniffs. “I told the lady you always tuck me in at night, and how you watch all my plays, and how you taught me how to dance.” She looks at Lily. “And I told her about Lily, too – how Lily came to live with us… and how much I like her too.”
“That’s perfect, Masie. You did really well. If anyone else talks to you, you just tell them the truth like you did today.”
I hold my daughter close, trying to soothe away her fears, but I can’t help feeling enraged that she got dragged into this custody battle. All because my sister-in-law is so off balance that she cares more about child support payments than the well-being of my daughter.
Chapter 28
Lily
A week later, I find myself seated in the row behind Ethan and Harry, waiting for the judge to enter the courtroom and the proceedings to begin. The courtroom looks intimidating, to say the least – imposing wood paneling, high ceilings. I fidget with the hem of my sleeve.
Part of me wishes I didn’t have to come. I know they’ll be saying horrible things about Ethan’s ability as a parent. It will be hard to listen to the lies. But I could be called to the stand at any time, so I need to be present.
The other day, Ethan sat me down and told me some unpleasant things. He slept with a lot of women before me. I had kind of suspected it from the beginning. I mean – who wouldn’t want to hook up with a guy like Ethan? I saw the way women looked at him when we first went out. Even today in the courtroom, he looks like he could be on the cover of GQ.
But he explained that he used sex as a way to distract himself from the pain of losing his wife for several years. It became an addiction. It was a way to keep his heart closed – he just wanted sex from the women, and nothing else. With one night stands, he didn’t have to risk getting attached, and then getting hurt.
But he promised me that those days are in the past, and that he is finally able to open up and commit with me. I know that he has changed, and I choose to believe him.
Finally, the judge enters, and he begins to speak, then the lawyers, one at a time. I watch Ethan, sitting there looking handsome, but worried.
He’s been down about this trial, but he’s also good at keeping a strong front. I know he doesn’t want to tell me how dire the situation is so I don’t worry, but I think he’s afraid there’s a chance he could lose this case. And from what I’ve seen, Vivian’s using some dishonest tactics to get what she wants. I wouldn’t be surprised if her lawyer is corrupt, too.
Vivian’s seated beside her lawyer, and she keeps her eyes forward the entire time. I watch her from time to time, wondering how she can be capable of trying to steal a little girl away from her family.
Her lawyer, Paul Goldsmith, starts to present his case. It seems to revolve around making Ethan look like a bad parent, just as Ethan expected. Paul makes it out to seem like Ethan has nothing to do with Masie, and that she’s being raised by nannies.
After Harry’s opening statements, soon it’s time for Paul to bring in his witnesses. The first person to testify is Masie’s former nanny, a cruel looking woman who scowls in Ethan’s direction. She says that Ethan was rarely around when she worked there, and that Masie was depressed and lonely.
I can see Ethan whisper something to Harry. Without hearing what he says, I know this woman is lying – I’ve seen how Ethan is such a big part of Masie’s life. Did Vivian’s lawyer bribe her? Is she upset at Ethan for some other reason?
Paul asks the woman why Ethan was gone so often. Her answer: He was going on dates every night of the week.
“Yeah, it was a different girl every night,” the former nanny says. “He’d go meet women at the bar. Then he’d bring them to the house, parade ‘em around in front of Masie, have them spend the night. That little girl is so confused. I had to quit working there because it just broke my heart to see what it did to her.”
Ethan leans back in his chair, trying hard to control his reaction. But I can tell he’s furious.
This woman is obviously lying.
She steps down, smirking in Ethan’s direction as she walks past him.
Vivian’s lawyer continues with his assault on my husband. He waves a stack of papers and hands it to the judge. The lawyer says it’s the testimony of over twenty-five women who had sexual relations with Ethan since he’s had sole custody of Masie.
I see him slump down in his chair a little. Maybe that part is true, I realize. Maybe the real number is even bigger. It turns my stomach a little, but I try not to let it get to me. He was living a different life before me. The important thing is that he kept that part of his life separate from his daughter.
But still, it’s very troubling to hear what his bachelor life was like. If this is how Ethan really is, how long before he starts sleeping around again? Will he get bored with me and turn to one-night-stands for entertainment?
He turns around in his chair and gives me an apolog
etic look. His eyes seem to say so much: I didn’t care for them like I care for you now.
I try not to listen to the voice in my head, but it keeps nagging me: What if he goes back to sleeping around?
The lawyer goes on, giving horrible details of Ethan’s life before me. I start to wonder how much is real and how much is fabricated.
The lawyer reads quotes from the women’s testimony:
“He used me for sex.”
“Everyone knows he’s a playboy.”
My heart sinks. Suddenly I remember Vivian’s horrible words to me in the bathroom: he’s just using you.
Is this all a big deception? I feel the fear leap up in my throat.
“Your honor, I’d like to shift our discussion to Ethan Davidson’s new wife, Lily Cairns Davidson.”
My stomach tightens and my breathing goes jagged as they set their sights on me. I remember the techniques of centering and calming my therapist has taught me, and I try to use them as I listen to the lawyer’s statements.
“Miss Carins’ parents were killed in a tragic car accident in 2013 when she was merely 16 years old. Lily came from a troubled, impoverished family. She did have one aunt and uncle living at the time, but the court found them unsuitable to be legal guardians due to their history of drug abuse. Lily entered into the foster care system in the city of New York, and was passed around from group home to group home. She was placed with foster families, but her psychological disorder made family living impossible.”
What bullshit! My cheeks are burning and my hands clench up. Some of the foster families I was placed with were neglectful at best, and sometimes abusive. It wasn’t my “psychological disorder” that was the problem.
“After Lily was aged out of the system at 18, she rented a room in a rough neighborhood of Queens with a friend from her time in group homes.”
He’s saying it like I was in prison.
“She bounced from job to job for a while, until she was able to find employment at Mr. Davidson’s enterprise. She was employed all of one week there before signing marriage papers with Mr. Davidson and becoming his wife.
“Clearly, your honor, Mr. Davidson and his wife have married with an intent to deceive the court. Judging from Miss Cairns’ upbringing, I find it amusing to think that this billionaire executive would want to spend his life with an orphaned, impoverished, and uneducated young woman from Queens.”
I fight the urge to run out of the courtroom crying. I have to be strong for Ethan. But that lawyer just ripped me to shreds. I feel so exposed and humiliated.
Ethan turns around to look at me as if to apologize. I give him a weak smile, then I look down.
My heart’s pounding now as they talk about my living situation before I moved into Ethan’s penthouse. How I obviously married him for his money.
And then the lawyer says those words that strike fear into my heart: “She doesn’t belong in this world. Miss Cairns is clearly an impostor, and Mr. Davidson is merely using her for the benefit of this custody hearing.”
Everything’s starting to get a little blurry. My heart’s beating like a wild drum, and I feel like I’m falling into an abyss of panic and fear.
I have to get out of here.
I quietly stand up and tiptoe out to the back entrance, hoping no one will see me escape like a coward.
Because that’s exactly what I’ve always been: a coward.
Once out of the trial room, I guiltily slink through the hall. Pushing open the front door of the courthouse and walking into the sun, I squint my eyes, clutching my belly and gasping for air.
Once again, I’m in a panic attack. Vivian’s words reverberate around my brain like an echo: “Ethan doesn’t really care for you. He’s going to drop you so fast your head will spin.”
Maybe she was right all along. Maybe they’re all right. I’m an impostor. I clearly don’t belong here. This has been a fake marriage all along, and Ethan was only using me.
Chapter 29
Ethan
I can’t listen to that asshole lawyer talk about Lily like this. I want to pummel him.
As he’s going over her lackluster work history, I turn around to give her an apologetic look. It’s all I can do – I can’t talk to her in here. So I try to tell her that with my eyes.
But this time she’s not there.
She must have just left.
Shit. This isn’t good. I have a bad feeling that she got so upset from the lawyer tearing her apart that she had to leave. Maybe she had another panic attack. And it’s all my damned fault for dragging her into this.
First she had to hear all about my sexual history. It was exaggerated, but it’s true that I’ve been with a lot of women since I lost my first wife. But I never want to go back to that way of life. Not since I met Lily. Still, it must have been excruciating for her to hear all that.
Then, that crooked lawyer dragged out every little bit of dirt he could find – or make up – about Lily. He insulted her, he slandered her, and he called her an impostor and an unfit stepmother. No wonder she ran out of here.
If only I could talk to Lily and tell her that this trial is just a farce – none of what Vivian and her lawyer are saying is real. She needs to know I don’t care about her past – it certainly doesn’t make me think any less of her that she wasn’t born into wealth and luxury. It only makes me want her more.
Harry looks back and notices Lily’s absence as well. He shifts in his seat, fidgets a little, then leans over to whisper to me.
“She could be called to give testimony at any moment, Ethan. This isn’t good.”
I know it isn’t. And I can’t just walk out during my own custody trial to go bring her back in.
I made Lily my wife to save my daughter. But it’s turned into so much more than a marriage of convenience. I’ve grown to care so much for her, I can’t even see a future without her.
I never thought I’d love again after Sara. I promised myself I’d never again open my heart up to another woman. I decided long ago to be the best dad I’m capable of being to Masie, and nothing else mattered. The only other thing there was to do was to try and blot out the pain.
But all that’s changed. Somewhere along the way, I managed to tear down the walls from my heart and let Lily in. I learned how to love again.
And now she’s gone, traumatized by this freak show of a custody trial. What if she doesn’t come back in time to give her testimony?
A terrible thought crosses my mind. What if she’s gone for good? What if she still thinks this marriage is a ruse, and decides she no longer wants any part of it?
I turn around to glance at the door once more. No sign of Lily. I’m torn between staying in my seat and going after her. I can’t lose her.
I need to tell her what she means to me. The connection we share is real, even if we got thrown into a marriage of convenience in order to keep my daughter safe.
I need to tell her I love her. I just hope it isn’t too late.
Chapter 30
Lily
I feel like I’m falling off a cliff.
I would walk to the street to hail a taxi if I only knew which way was up. The world is spinning around me, the sights and sounds swirling in a haze.
The loudest sound is my pounding heart, and I feel sure it’s going to beat right out of my chest.
I lean against the railing of the steps in front of the courthouse, my knuckles going white from gripping it so hard.
Somewhere, back in some recess of my mind, I can hear my therapist’s words: Focus your attention on what you know to be true in this moment, on what is safe and solid.
This railing I’m gripping feels pretty solid, and the metal is smooth and cold. The sun is hot and bright in my eyes. And I know I hear some birds chirping nearby. When I focus on the birds, the sound of my pounding heart doesn’t seem nearly so loud.
I release my grip on the railing and take a deep breath. The air feels good coming into my nose, and it calms me down. I take
a few breaths more.
The dizzy, falling sensation has stopped, and most of the panic has gone.
I did it.
I was able to calm myself down in the middle of a terrible anxiety attack.
Focus on what you know is true.
I know that there’s a custody battle going on inside. I know Ethan could lose his daughter. Whatever he thinks about me, I care for him deeply, and I’m pretty sure he does too.
I have to get back in there.
I race up the steps and through the building to the door of the courtroom.
I open it to see Ethan standing before me, a mixture of surprise and relief on his face.
“I was just coming to get you,” he whispers. “Are you OK?”
“I’m fine now.” I smile.
“I’m so sorry you have to hear all this. I promise to you that nothing they’re saying about you matters to me at all.”
I look into his eyes, and I know that he loves me. “Let’s get back to our seats.”
We sit down and listen to the statements from the lawyer. He’s still slandering me.
They even bring Louis, my old landlord, in. He claims that I was a bad tenant, not paying rent on time, and that Ethan threatened him for no reason. I roll my eyes. I wouldn’t expect anything less from such a sleazy guy. I feel so lucky I no longer have to live in his building.
Finally, I’m called to the stand. The fear grows in my belly, but not out of control.
I can do this.
I walk confidently to the stand and am sworn in.
Paul Goldsmith, Vivian’s evil ally, badgers me with questions about my childhood, my work history, and my relationship with Masie. Harry raises several objections to the unfair and irrelevant questions, but the judge overrules them all.
The lawyer implies that I have a history of drug abuse and that I married Ethan for his money. I listen to his lies and accusations, denying them all with a clear, calm voice.