by Thia Finn
“Welcome.” He pulled back after shaking hands with them and took us all in at once.
The crowd of beautiful women did too. We hadn’t grown immune to fans throwing attention our way. We’d played second fiddle with the groupies around the big bands during the tour. It seemed like we always got their leftovers. Sloppy seconds weren’t my style for the most part. I hadn’t been able to get past the grief I felt over losing Laina. My head wanted to process it as though I’d been through a divorce or worse, her death.
“Come on through, guys. Enjoy. I’ll call a cab for you later.” Green slipped between our hands as we passed by with a head tip. Always good to acknowledge personal service. A lesson I learned a long time ago—keep the bouncers happy. Never know what might happen that’ll require their help.
The roar of the club music filled my ears, and the loud bass vibrated my entire body. Dancers were on the crowded floor doing something the blonde chick with the pointed-tits costume sang about. They kept making hand gestures around their faces. What was up with that shit?
The cacophony of scents filled my nose causing my head to turn in different directions to capture who held each one. Vanilla, fruity, honey, sickeningly sweet, musky, and even sex overwhelmed my nose while walking through to the main bar.
More than once, one of us found a random hand touching us indiscriminately. Being last, I had the pleasure of having each ass cheek rubbed, pinched, and even a slight swat. Who said women were the only ones who felt violated in clubs?
I drew the line on having some random woman grab my dick, though. I managed to stop that action each time before contact was made. I’d simply push the hand back and offer a slight smile to the owner, which thankfully tonight was only female. It wasn’t always that way. Guess you can’t blame a guy for trying, but I prefer a soft female against my skin.
RYDER
It only took a few drinks before I needed to get the hell out of there. The loud sounds did nothing to keep the demons from firing around in my head. Something more pressed on me tonight, but I couldn’t pin it down. The vibrations from my phone sent unpleasant feelings down my leg each time a call or message came through, but I managed to ignore them. The last thing I wanted to do was try to talk to someone tonight.
The Jack and Coke slid back and forth in the short span between my hands on the tabletop. After the first two, the third did nothing for me telling me it was time to blast off.
“Dude,” Daniel started in on me. “You going to get out of your head for even a few minutes tonight? The look on your face even scares me, much less all the hot girls who’ve been sniffing around the table.”
“Good. Don’t need a woman. I’ve got the best woman.”
Jason put his arm around my shoulders. “No, Ryder, you don’t. Laina’s gone. We’ve been over this for a full fucking year. She’s no longer your Laina, no longer your woman.”
“Fuck off.” I moved out of his hold. “She’ll always be the woman I want.”
“No, dude. She won’t.” This time it was Daniel.
“All of you fuck off.” Who were they to tell me this?
My phone kept going and going this time. I finally pulled it out to see I’d missed a shit ton of calls from my parents’ number. “What the hell. Something’s wrong.” Every one of my family had reached out.
“What’s going on?” Daniel stepped up behind me. I’d known Daniel all my life. We’d been friends since the first day of kindergarten. He was new to Smithville and stood alone, so I threw the kickball at him on the playground. He grabbed it up joining my friends like we’d known each other all five years of our lives. Now, fifteen years later, we were still throwing things at each other, even a few fists on occasion.
He saw all the calls he knew to be my family since we’d practically lived at one house or the other for all those years.
“Man, you better call home.” The look he wore mimicked mine.
I nodded and headed for the exit door, him fast on my heels.
I hated even to hear the phone ring on the other end, the smell of urine burned my nose as I waited in the back alley.
“Oh, Brax.”
“What’s wrong, Mom? Is it Dad?” I sucked in a big breath afraid of her answer.
“No, honey. It’s not your dad. Here, talk to him.” The strained voice told me she tried to hold back tears, but when Dad said hello to me, her distinct sobs echoed in the background.
“Dad, what’s going on? Just tell me.” Yelling into the phone gained his attention.
“Son, we got word a few minutes ago about Laina.”
“What? What kind of word? Where is she? Who did you hear it from?” The questions flew even though I knew he didn’t have time to answer between each one.
“Calm down, Brax.” He paused. “You see, son, her aunt called. Said she knew you’d want to know.”
“Know what, Dad?”
“Laina’s dead, son. She was killed in a car accident. She’s been living with her aunt all this time in Washington, D.C.”
“I… I…” No words formed. I backed against the wall and slid down dropping my phone on the concrete.
Daniel picked it up examining the flipped-open screen.
He spoke into the phone. “Hey, Mr. Whitmore, it’s Daniel. What’s happening?” He held the phone between us so we could both hear.
“I know this is hard, and we don’t know much. The aunt only said that Laina had talked about you the entire time she lived there, so she felt like you should know what happened. Laina’s car was t-boned at a red light, and she was killed instantly. The woman didn’t say if she was alone or not. She didn’t say anything about a baby either. Your mom point blank asked. All she said was Laina was alone in the car.”
I screamed at the phone, “Did the lady leave a number I can call?” I jerked it away from Brett.
“No, it was a house phone, Brax. We’ve already tried to dial it back.”
“Shit. This isn’t right, Dad. It’s not right. I’ve already lost her once. I never got to tell her goodbye. Never, Dad. Never.” I couldn’t stop the tears or the wailing. “It’s not fair. Why, Dad? What did I do so wrong? You know all I ever did was love her, Dad. I love her so much still. Why, Dad?”
“Listen, Brax. Son, you didn’t do anything wrong. We all know how much you two loved each other. All of this was out of your hands. They took it all away. They had all the power here.”
“But I need her in my life, Dad. I need her. I’ve waited a whole year. A year today, Dad.”
“I know, Brax. I’m so sorry, son.” He took a deep breath. “Braxton, why don’t you let us come up to Austin and pick you up?”
“When’s the funeral, Dad? I need to go to the funeral.” I began pacing. I could get to D.C. on a flight tonight. I could be there to say goodbye to her one last time. I know she’d hear me when I got to see her beautiful face one last time.
There was no sound on the other end. “Dad?”
“The funeral’s already happened.”
“No way, Dad? When? Where is she?” I yelled at him for no reason, but I couldn’t keep the anger from my voice. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. No fucking way this scene was playing through my head again. There was no repeat button in my brain, so why did it feel like it?
“She’s buried here in Smithville, Brax. They had a private service. No one knew. I’m sorry. Apparently, they had the body shipped in a few days ago and had a graveside service without notifying anyone. That’s all the lady would tell us. I’m so sorry they did this to you, son. I don’t know what to say.”
“Nooo.” My brain was ready to explode. “Nooo.”
ONE YEAR LATER
RYDER
“Goodnight L.A. Thanks for having us!” The noise level made my closing barely audible even through the speakers.
The band made their way off stage to the thunderous roar of crowd noises. After two encores, we were done. With adrenaline flying, we opened the door to the green room that now held all our ow
n stipulations.
In the last two years, the band had exploded into the music scene in nuclear fashion. Steel flew high as a whole, but none higher than me. I wrote the entire first album in less than two months after learning of Laina’s death. Darkness and misery poured out of each stroke of the pencil and every chord I strummed.
The bus rolled down the highway from show to show, and lyrics tumbled from my mind, or maybe my heart, onto the pages of my notebook. I couldn’t be bothered with using a computer like some musicians were moving toward. I needed paper and pencil to make my music happen. Nothing more.
Daniel came up behind me as I watched the groupies gearing up to take on whatever the guys were into tonight.
“You hanging around tonight for some fun and games?” He nodded in Jason’s direction where a panty-less woman’s skirt hiked up around her waist as she ground down on him.
“No, man. You know that’s not happening. I got some songs to lay down, though. I’ll see y’all at the bus later. Enjoy some pussy for me.” I grinned at him, picked up a bottle of Jack, and walked to the doorway.
I called over the room. “Y’all be good children and don’t miss the fucking bus.”
“I got your fucking bus right here, Ryder Steel.” Brett grabbed his junk over his jeans and shook. “Hang around, Ryder. Someone will feel sorry for you, and you might get lucky.” Everyone laughed, and I gave a half-smile at his attempted humor. They knew I wouldn’t stay to watch the debauchery. I’d never be a part of it, either.
Security for tonight flanked me back to the bus. Our home on wheels’ door opened, and they watched me walk up to the top of the steps. I turned back and saw Todd give me a sharp nod. He knew what I wanted, or in this case, needed for tonight. He always took care of me.
The steady decline in constantly being high or wanting to be high kept me moving forward. I didn’t know if I wanted to keep going most nights. What I wanted was to tempt fate at every turn.
The top to my handle of Jack hit the floor as I took a drink directly from the bottle. The fire sliding down my throat woke up my senses. The thirst I knew was coming needed to be slaked ahead of the hit.
I pulled out the tubing, tied it off, and prepped the needle waiting for me. After another healthy pull on the bottle, I stared at the white horse calling me to take a ride. The sudden rush I was about to have would pull me under and let my brain rest. That’s what I thought it did.
The vein popped up after a couple of taps, and I eased in the needle. As I pressed the plunger, I heard the door open to the bus.
“Fuck,” I growled as I pushed harder. “Who’s out there?”
“Dude. What are you doing back there?” Daniel yelled from the front steps followed by some giggles. “I needed to come pick up my keys. We’re going for a ride.”
While he spoke, I eased down on my bed. Damn, it felt so fucking good. The warmth spread over me, taking me under. Taking me to a location where I felt best—floating.
I heard the door slide back.
“What the fuck, Ryder? What have you done?”
“Get out.” I thought I yelled. “Get the fuck out now.”
“No, dude.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s all going to be good now.”
“Like hell, it will.”
I heard him talking to someone, maybe on his phone. I didn’t know or care. I felt good. I felt free. I could make it through another night, alone. I could live for another day, alone.
Ties held me down when I woke up. “Help,” I tried to scream. “Help me.”
The metal door swung open to a big guy in scrubs.
“Good morning, Mr. Steel.”
“Where the fuck am I?” The Mojave Desert lived in my mouth. The words barely escaped in more than a whisper. Looking around, I recognized nothing. This couldn’t be good.
“You’re in Arizona.”
“How the hell did I get here? I was in Los Angeles yesterday.”
“Actually, that was three days ago. They brought you here three days ago.” The blue-clad giant started at my ankles untying the binds.
“Who did this to me?” Someone had to get me here, and I knew my band wouldn’t do it. They loved me. I was Ryder fucking Steel. I owned this band.
“I’m not sure about that, Mr. Steel.”
I watched as he loosened the straps on my wrist. “Thanks, man. It’s Ryder.” I rolled my stiff wrist around when he finished.
“No problem.” He completed his task and sat on the rolling stool by the bed. “You want to try to stand up? Maybe take a leak on your own?”
I glanced back at him wondering how I’d been doing before now. “I guess. Yeah. I gotta piss like a racehorse now that you’ve mentioned it.”
“Okay, let’s do it.” He unfolded his long body and stood beside the bed. “Let’s start with your feet on the floor and see how far you get.”
I thought I had this and tried to throw my legs over. Yeah, they barely moved. My head jerked back up looking at him. “What’s going on?”
“Dude, you haven’t moved on your own in three days. You can’t expect everything to go back to working like before so quickly. Let’s do this together.”
He pulled my legs over to the side, and I slid forward to the edge of the bed. When my feet hit the white tiled floor, I winced at the cold.
“Yeah, everything’s going to seem sensitive for a while. It’ll get better. Now, I want you to stand and hold on to me.”
I eased off the bedside, my legs wobbling. “Guess I’m more unsteady than I thought.”
He nodded. “Just stand but don’t try to walk yet.”
I stood holding onto his forearms and looked at him. “How the fuck did this happen?”
“Apparently, the dosage you took was too much for your body. You OD’d on H. Do you remember taking it?”
“No, I don’t remember shit at this point.” Standing made me sweat.
“Good thing one of your band members found you when he did. You’d just injected the substance. He saved your life.”
“Why?” I looked at this man who held me up.
“Why?” he asked back. “Why what?”
“Why did he save me?”
“Hmm… that’s a question you’ll have to ask him. Don’t you think we all need saving at some point?”
I didn’t answer.
“Okay, you seem more stable. Try a few steps and see what you got.”
The two of us managed to get me into the pristine white bathroom where I leaned on the wall long enough to piss.
Exhaustion set in by the time I made it back to bed. All I wanted to do was sleep.
“Mr. Steel?”
Sunshine beamed across my face. I held out my hand to block the rays. “What? Can someone shut the damn blinds? That’s too fucking bright.”
“Sure thing.” I heard movement, and the room darkened slightly. “You’re going to get up today, Mr. Steel. Doctor’s orders.”
“Fuck the doctor. I’m fine right here.”
“No, sir. You’re not. Come on.”
“I don’t want to get out of this fucking bed. Now leave me the hell alone.” My feeble attempt at swatting the hand away only caused me to almost fall out of the bed.
“Let’s do this together, Mr. Steel.”
“No.”
“Sorry, I can’t take no for an answer.”
“Like hell, you can’t. I feel sure I’m paying to stay here, so I’m the boss.”
“Yes, you are paying dearly. But while you’re in this room, and I’m on duty, I’m the boss. I say you’re getting out of this bed today. You need a bath and food.”
“Fuck that. I couldn’t eat if I tried.”
“We’ll start slow. Liquids.”
“I could use some liquids. How about a fifth of my old buddy Jack?”
“Uh… that’s a big no. How about a bottle of apple juice or a Gatorade? We have all flavors.”
“Sounds like shit.”
“No, we don’t have shit f
lavor, but the other clients think the purple’s pretty good.”
“How about some water, then?”
The crisp sound of water pouring over ice broke the silence. The man handed me a tall glass with a straw. After a few sips, I handed it back.
“Okay. Now you’re getting up.”
“Fuck. Are you going to do this to me every day?”
“Yes, either someone else or me so you might as well get it in your head, you’re getting up from now on.”
This same routine went on for what seemed like months. In reality, it might have been a few days. My brain didn’t want to process any of it.
“Good morning, Ryder.”
“What’s good about this shit? I fucking need to get out of here.” I rolled over facing the wall. “Who says I have to stay? I can check out anytime I want, right?”
“Let’s have you talk to Dr. Grimes first. See what he thinks about that idea.”
“Then get his sorry ass in here. I’m ready to leave.”
The door closed behind my daily visitor. This couldn’t be my life. Not much time passed before I heard the door open again.
“Mr. Steel? I’m Dr. Grimes. You wanted to have a visit?”
“Hell no. I don’t want to have a visit. I want to leave.”
“You agreed to stay for thirty days when you came in.”
“No way did I commit myself to thirty days of this shit.”
“Actually, we have the papers saying you did. Care to sit up and talk to me in my office?”
“Will it get me out of here sooner?”
“Possibly.”
“Then let’s do this.” I rolled over and put my feet on the floor. I could do it this time.
“Let’s walk to my office.” He put his hand out to show the way from my door.
From the looks around this place, I knew I was paying top dollar to be here. Everything about it spoke money and luxury. I didn’t give a fuck, though. I wanted out. I needed out. People depended on me for their livelihood. The band depended on me. It was time to get back to what I did best.