“There is no you and me. Isn’t that what you’re saying?” Kale stood stiffly. His energy was harsh and pained. It burned a little if I focused on it intently.
“I don’t want it to be this way between us. I can’t lose you, Kale. And, I don’t know how to keep what we have now without ruining it.” I took a step toward him but stopped, unsure of what to do with myself. “What we did the other night, I’m afraid it’s changed everything. It never should have happened.”
He shoved away from the door in a fast, smooth motion. With the grace only a vampire could possess, Kale swept me into his arms and kissed me. It was deep but gentle, with the sweetness that I’d come to associate with his kiss.
“But, it did happen,” he whispered against my lips. “And, you loved every minute of it. Of course it changes things. God, I can’t stop thinking about what it felt like to finally be inside you.”
“Stop that.”
“No. You want me, too. I can feel it. Playing this right and wrong game isn’t doing a damn bit of good.” His lips were warm against my skin as he kissed his way down my neck.
“I can’t be in love with three people. That’s too fucked up, even for me. I feel so torn between all of you. It’s selfish. And, that is wrong.”
Putting my hands on his chest, I pushed Kale away. I was a mess of emotion. From shame to desire, a storm brewed inside me. I did want him, but none of it made sense to me. How could I feel something so different for all of them?
Kale didn’t let me put space between us. He was determined to get out everything he had to say while he had the chance.
“Alexa, not once in the time I’ve known you have you given yourself to any man that you didn’t somehow feel for. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me.”
When a friend becomes a lover, they already know so much about you. I fell into Kale’s amazing eyes. He waited for my response with a forced calm. I could sense the tension he held.
He was right. I had never slept with a man I didn’t have genuine feelings for. Four of them, each so different from the others. And, I loved them all. Even Raoul, despite everything he’d done. Sure, many people loved more than one person in their lifetime. But me? I was clearly a classic case of fucked up beyond all repair.
I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. It would be easier to walk away from this with a clean break, but it wouldn’t be fair.
“Don’t make me do this. Please.” I pleaded. “I can’t.”
“Say it, and I will go on as if nothing ever happened.” He grasped a lock of my disheveled hair, sliding it between his fingers. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
I let out a frustrated growl. Why couldn’t I damn well say it? “I don’t love you, Kale.” There. That was excruciatingly hard. The moment the words left my lips, I knew it was also a lie.
“Liar,” he hissed before kissing me again, a bruising crush of his lips to mine. “I wish you were telling the truth. It would make it easier to walk away. I know that’s what you want.”
The raw emotion in his voice cut deep. Kale was in agony. Over me. It was all wrong because he was so far above and beyond me. As self-deprecating as it was, I couldn’t help but feel he was cheating himself of something better.
“What I want is for you to be happy with someone who can give you what you need. I want us to be the way we were … before that night in the rain.” I reached to lay a hand on his face, surprised when he turned his head to avoid my touch. “I don’t want to be the one who hurt you.”
Capturing my hand in his, he pressed a chaste kiss along my fingertips. “It’s too late for that. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I’m fully aware that you’re spoken for as wolf and vampire. But what about the woman I’ve watched struggle and suffer? The one that shares with me what can never be shared with the men that claim her? Where does that part of you belong?”
The words tumbled forth before I realized what I was saying. “That part of me belongs with you. But, it isn’t that simple. If there were ever a time for us, Kale, it wouldn’t be right now.”
He nodded solemnly, but there was relief in his eyes. “I know. I just need to hear you say it. Tell me what I am to you.”
I was overcome by the flash of melancholy energy that bound us. His emotions were running high as were my own. It was impossible not to vibe off each other as we were tossed by a tornado of passion and pain.
I was tired from days of stress and overwhelmed by the betrayal of my own heart. When had I fallen for Kale? And, why did I feel so certainly that walking away from what we had was the right thing to do?
“You’re everything to me that I wish I could be for you. You bring me comfort when I need it, and you set me free from the restraints I impose on myself. If things were different somehow, you’d be the one.” I almost choked on the words as I watched the shadows darken his expression. “I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be this way, but there is just no other way it can be. Not right now. It’s better for both of us. You know it is.”
Kale was silent, studying me so intently that I felt itchy and uncomfortable. Just when I thought he was going to push me away, he pulled me tight against him. The sensation of his arms around me was bittersweet. I stood stiffly for a moment before melting into his embrace.
He ran a hand through my hair as if he didn’t notice what a mess it was. “I’m the one with centuries of experience. Why do you get to be the one that’s right about this?”
“Just lucky I guess.”
His soft laughter was forced. “If it makes any difference, I fought it every step of the way until there was just no denying it anymore. I didn’t want us to end up this way.”
With a heavy sigh, I held him with a fierce grip. “I adore you.” Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, all things considered.
Time passed as we stood there clinging to one another. I would have been happy to drag the moment out far longer than was realistic. If I didn’t disentangle myself from him soon, I might never leave his room. The peace that I found in Kale engulfed me, tempting me to surrender to him fully. I couldn’t.
A physical ache started in my stomach when at last I pulled away. Just one last kiss, I told myself. Then it was time to close the door on what Kale and I shared. The thought filled me with anguish, and for once, both the wolf and the vampire within me lay silent. Their influence was absent, leaving me feeling bare and vulnerable. I couldn’t blame my feelings on either side.
I kissed him with everything I had. My hands shook as I held his face. The soft touch of his tongue on mine was dizzying. I drank him in, savoring the heat that rose up between us. My power came alive, reaching for him. Falling into him was like stepping off the edge of a cliff. The freefall felt amazing, but I feared the impact I knew was coming.
Right when I knew I should have broken it off, Kale deepened the kiss. His hands were in my hair and tension thrummed through his body. He explored my mouth with a hunger I couldn’t help but respond to. When I was with Kale, everything else ceased to exist. The danger of what we shared lay in the illusion that the rest of the world fell away.
The urgency that gripped us was the same determined need that had driven us in the alley behind The Wicked Kiss. I felt the sudden need to rush, to join in that sacred but forbidden union.
“We can’t do this.” A sob escaped me, and I broke away from him, turning away so he wouldn’t see the tears that spilled down my cheeks. “I have to go.”
“Alexa, wait.” Kale grabbed my arm. “Are you alright? I don’t want to see you cry.”
“Well, you weren’t supposed to.” I faced him, quickly swiping at the blood-red tears.
His shoulders sagged as if he held the weight of the world. The sadness in his lovely eyes hurt me to see. He reached to capture one of my tears on a finger. “I can’t watch you leave here in tears. Please, don’t cry. Not because of me.”
“I’m crying because the only time I feel safe anymore is when I’m with you. And, I know that I can’t
hide away here inside that feeling forever. Even though I wish I could.” I took a deep, shuddery breath. This was harder than I’d anticipated. “Thank you for being who you are. You have no idea what it means to me. Maybe we’ve already gone too far to go back, but I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
A frown creased Kale’s brow, and he shook his head. “I know it’s better for us to deny what we feel. I know you might never love me the way I wish you would. But, don’t ever worry about us. I’ll always be here for you.”
What could I possibly say to that? I had to get out of there before I turned into a blubbering idiot. The powerful emotion in the room hugged tight to me like a second skin.
I clasped his hand in both of mine for a brief but heart-breaking moment. “I need to go. I’ll see you soon?”
“Certainly.” Kale’s gaze was on our hands as I pulled away. When I reached the door, he said, “Hey, Alexa. It’s ok that we are what we are instead of what we should be. Believe that.”
* * * *
It was mid-afternoon already, and the sun was high in the sky. I couldn’t stop yawning as I drove through the quiet streets of Stony Plain. I desperately wanted a hot shower and some quality time with my bed, but my best friend needed me. So, I was on my way across town to Kylarai’s.
Shaz’s car was parked in the driveway, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d been afraid that Ky would have chased him off so she could be alone in her grief. I understood that she’d need that time to herself, but right now, she needed us.
I clutched my takeout coffee cup and made my way up the front walk. I paused to admire the flower garden near the door. Kylarai really had a way with things like that. I envied her. I could only keep plants that could handle a little neglect.
I knocked firmly on the door and entered, glad to escape the sun’s harsh rays. Shoving my sunglasses on top of my head, I blinked a few times while my eyes adjusted to the dimmer lighting. The sound of voices drifted from the kitchen where I found them sitting at the table across from one another, drinking coffee.
They both looked up at my arrival, and I suddenly felt uneasy. Shaz’s eyes narrowed as he caught Kale’s scent, and I wished I could tell him that it wasn’t what he was thinking. I hesitated, unable to decide where to sit. Kylarai glanced up at me with red-rimmed grey eyes, and my heart broke for her.
“I’m not going to insult you by asking how you’re feeling.” I slid into a chair at the end of the table, purposely not sitting right next to either of them. It was so obvious. “I’m sorry, Ky. I never wanted this to happen.”
She shrugged and squeezed a crumpled tissue in one hand. “It happens. We knew it was dangerous. I just wish I’d had a chance to say something to him before it was too late.”
I knew that feeling very well. I reached across the table to give her hand a friendly squeeze. “I understand.”
“So you saw Kale?” She kept her expression neutral, but I could see the suspicion in her eyes. “You kind of smell like him.”
“Yeah, I saw him. I stopped by to tell him what happened. To let him know we were ok.” I looked from her to Shaz, peering intently into his jade eyes. “That’s all.”
Shaz cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair, but he didn’t remark on Kale. His silence bothered me more than if he’d been openly angry.
“Is there anything we can do for you?” I asked, changing the subject. “We can make you something to eat, run some errands. Anything.”
With a shake of her dark head, she tapped a fingernail on the side of her mug and stared into the remains of her coffee. “No. Thank you. Honestly, I just want to be alone. I don’t mean to be rude or anything.”
“Of course you’re not.” Shaz stood up and began to clear the cream and sugar off the table. “I’d want to be alone, too, if I were you.” He met my eyes briefly then, and I felt some of the tension between us slip away.
“I have something to ask the two of you, if you don’t mind.” A nervous rush caused my heart to race. I hadn’t planned to bring this up now, but it seemed to be just as good a time as any.
Shaz dropped back into his seat, and they both turned to face me. I sipped from my coffee and readied myself. This wasn’t going to be easy.
“Alright,” I continued, feeling the weight of their gazes. “There’s no real good way to say this. I hate to even have to bring it up, but if I don’t do it now, I might never get another chance. This is about my bond with Arys. You both know what it does to me. But lately, it’s gotten worse.” I paused, mustering the courage to spit out the real point. “I’ve been killing. Nothing crazed or incessant but it’s happened. What I need from the two of you is a promise. When I die, when I become a vampire … if I’m nothing but a blood crazed monster, I want you to promise that you’ll kill me.”
A moment of quiet passed, so intense that I could hear the buzz of various electronic devices in the house. They stared at me, Kylarai in calm contemplation and Shaz in stunned silence.
“Are you serious?” He asked after a long moment of thinking it over. “Do you realize what you’re really asking us?”
“There’s nobody else I can trust to do it. Other than maybe Jez.” My stomach turned, and coffee didn’t seem so good all of a sudden. “Arys would never do it. And, the way I’ve been feeling lately – the loss of control and sometimes not even knowing who I am anymore – I just want to know that if things get bad – if I’m not me anymore – when the time comes, that someone will stop me.”
Shaz gave a frustrated growl and leaned heavily on the table with his head in his hands. “Dammit, Lex!”
Kylarai didn’t share his reaction. She was nodding thoughtfully. “What about Arys and Kale? They’re not maniacal blood junkies tearing apart every human that crosses their path. Why would you be so different? If anything, they would help you through it.”
“They’ll do their best. I’m just asking you in a worst case scenario situation.” I hated the position I was putting Shaz in. His anguish at my request was heavy on the air. “Shaz, I asked the two of you because I know I can trust you to do it. Arys would never do it. And, I’m not sure I trust anyone else enough to ask it of them. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he groaned, running both hands through his short platinum hair so it stood up in disarray. “I’m glad you came to us. I’m just praying it never really has to come to that.”
I squirmed in my chair, finding it hard to sit comfortably. “I don’t plan on dying any time soon. Not if I can help it. I just need to know I can count on you guys if it comes to that.”
“You can. I promise.” Kylarai offered a reassuring hand pat and a small smile. “I strongly believe you have more inner strength than you know. And, when the time comes, you will realize that. But, if we have to do this, we will.”
“Thank you. That’s all I needed to hear.” Looking to Shaz, I raised a brow in question.
He slammed a hand down on the table, causing my coffee cup to jump. “I’m sorry. I just really need to hit something right now.”
“I think the two of you should probably talk.” Ky shoved her chair back and stood. “I’m going to take a bath and try to get some sleep. Thanks for coming by. And Shaz, thank you for staying with me. I’ll be fine. I know you have a birthday party coming up, Lex. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
She mustered another smile, but I saw right through it. She was doing her best to put on a good front so we would leave without worrying about her. I knew Kylarai. She was strong. Strong enough to have killed the wolf that attacked her as well as her abusive prick of a husband. This woman was a delicate flower on the surface, but underneath she was a rock. I knew she could handle the loss of Julian. Hell, she’d just agreed to kill me herself if she had to. Kylarai would be fine.
I got to my feet and pulled her into a warm hug. She smelled like wolf, and I held on a little longer than necessary to revel in that familiar scent.
“Alright, we’ll take off and let you have some time alone. S
peaking of alone,” I glanced around curiously. “Where’s Zoey?”
“Apartment hunting. Now that she has the money Raoul left her, she’s striking out on her own. She’s even talked about getting a job.” Ky rolled her eyes. “Though I can’t imagine her working a regular job. Should be interesting to see what she gets herself into.”
“I guess that’s all good as long as she stays out of trouble. I can’t handle a repeat of our girl’s night out.”
I turned to leave, waiting while Shaz said goodbye to Kylarai. Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, he hugged her close. “Call us if you need anything. Even just to talk. Anytime, ok? I mean it.”
Shaz followed me from the house to the driveway where I stopped by his car. He looked as tired as I felt. I watched him run his hand through his tousled hair a few times, and I had to smile. I would never stop being grateful for him. He was a blessing.
“So you were with Kale.” His tone was careful, like he was trying to keep accusation from creeping into it.
I met his gaze evenly, having nothing to hide. “Yes. I needed to see him. I went to tell him that what happened with us that night can never happen again.”
“Oh.” He seemed surprised. “I see. I don’t know what to say to that. I’m relieved I guess.”
I nodded and kicked a pebble near my foot. I wanted to tell him that now it was his turn to do the same and call it quits with this whole vampire donor nonsense. It didn’t work that way. He had to do it on his own.
“Well, it was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened.” As much as I regretted the pain it had caused, I couldn’t regret what Kale and I had done. Not entirely. I was glad to have that memory. Though the only person I was likely to admit that to would be Jez.
“Lex, you and me, we’re all good. Ok? I could be upset about Kale, but I’m not in the position to point fingers. And honestly, right now, I’m a little more concerned with the request you just made inside. What the hell was that all about?”
Leaning against his car, I tugged my sunglasses back into place, using the sun as an excuse to hide my eyes. “It was just a backup plan. Worst case scenario. No worries? Ok.”
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