At Swim-Two-Birds

by Flann O'Brien

  He read the last two phrases aloud, rubbing his eyes. Furriskey sat opposite in a downcast manner. His flat hands were fastened along his jaws and, being supported by his arms on the table, were immovable; but the weight of his head had caused his cheeks to be pushed up into an unnatural elevation on a level with his eyes. This caused the outside comers of his mouth and eyes to be pushed up in a similar manner, imparting an inscrutable oriental expression to his countenance.

  Do you think it would be safe to go to bed and leave him where he is to the morning? he asked.

  I do not, said Orlick, Safety first.

  Shanahan took out his thumb from the armhole and straightened his body in the chair.

  A false step now, he said, and it’s a short jump for the lot of us. Do you know that? A false step now and we’re all in the cart and that’s a fact.

  Lamont came forward from a couch where he had been resting and inclined his head as a signal that he was taking an intelligent interest in the conversation.

  Will the judges have a bad head tomorrow, he asked.

  No, said Orlick.

  Well I think the time has come for the black caps.

  You think the jury has heard enough evidence?

  Certainly they have, said Shanahan. The time for talk is past Finish the job tonight like a good man so as we can go to bed in peace. God, if we gave him a chance to catch us at this game…

  The job should be done at once, said Lamont, and the razor’s the boy to do it.

  He can’t complain that he didn’t get fair play, said Furriskey. He got a fair trial and a jury of his own manufacture. I think the time has come.

  It’s time to take him out to the courtyard, said Shanahan.

  A half a minute with the razor and the trick is done, said Lamont.

  As long as you realize the importance of the step that is about to be taken, said Orlick, I have no objection. I only hope that nothing will happen to us. I don’t think the like of this has been done before, you know.

  Well we have had enough of the trial stuff anyhow, said Shanahan.

  We will have one more witness for the sake of appearance, said Orlick, and then we will get down to business.

  This plan was agreed to, Mr Shanahan taking advantage of the occasion to pay a spontaneous tribute to the eminence of Mr O. Trellis in the author world.

  The company resumed their former attitudes and the book was re-opened at the page that had been closed.

  Conclusion of the book antepenultimate. Biographical reminiscence part the final: I went in by the side-door and hung my grey street-coat on the peg in the shadow under the stone stairs. I then went up in a slow deliberate preoccupied manner, examining in my mind the new fact that I had passed my final examination with a creditable margin of honour. I was conscious of a slight mental exhilaration. When passing through the hallway the door of the dining-room was opened and my uncle’s head was put out through the aperture.

  I want a word with you, he said.

  In a moment, I answered.

  His presence in the house was a surprise to me. His talk had ceased and his head had gone before I could appraise the character of his evening disposition. I proceeded to my room and placed my body on the soft trestle of my bed, still nursing in my brain the warm thought of my diligence and scholarship…Few of the candidates had proved themselves of the honours class though many had made it known that they were persons of advanced intelligence. This induced an emotion of comfort and exhilaration. I heard a voice in the interior of my head. Tell me this: Do you ever open a book at all? A delay in my appearance would have the effect of envenoming the character of the interrogation. I took a volume from the mantel- piece and perused many of the footnotes and passages to be found therein, reading in a slow and penetrating manner.

  The texts referred to, being an excerpt from ‘A Conspectus of the Arts and Natural Sciences’, volume the thirty-first:

  Moral Effects of Tobacco-using: There can be no question but that tobacco has a seriously deteriorating effect upon the character, blunting moral sensibility, deadening conscience, and destroying the delicacy of thought and feeling which is characteristic of the true Christian gentleman. This effect is far more clearly seen, as would be expected, in youths who begin the use of tobacco while the character is receiving its mould, than in those who have adopted the habit later in life, though too often plainly visible in the latter class of cases. There can be no question but that the use of tobacco is a stepping-stone to vices of the worst character. It is a vice which seldom goes alone. It is far too often accompanied with profanity and laxity of morals, and leads directly to the use of alcoholic drinks. It is indeed the most powerful ally of intemperance; and it is a good omen for the temperance cause that its leaders are beginning to see the importance of recognizing this fact and promulgating it as a fundamental principle in all temperance work. Names of further paragraphs: The Nature of Tobacco; Poisonous Effects of Tobacco; Why All Smokers Do Not Die of Tobacco Poisoning; Effects of Tobacco on the Blood; Tobacco Predisposes to Disease; Smokers’ Sore Throat; Tobacco and Consumption; Tobacco a Cause of Heart Disease; Tobacco and Dyspepsia; Tobacco a Cause of Cancer; Tobacco Paralysis; Tobacco a Cause of Insanity.

  Moral Effects of Tea-Tasting. The long-continued use of tea has a distinct effect upon the character. This has been too often noticed and remarked to be questioned. There are tea-sots in every great charitable institution – particularly those for the maintenance of the aged. Their symptoms are generally mental irritability, muscular tremors and sleeplessness. The following is an account of one of the cases observed. The immediate effects upon him are as follows: In about ten minutes the face becomes flushed, the whole body feels warm and heated and a sort of intellectual intoxication comes on, much the same in character, it would seem, as that which occurs in the rarefied air of a mountain. He feels elated, exhilarated, troubles and cares vanish, everything seems bright and cheerful, his body feels light and elastic, his mind clear, his ideas abundant, vivid, and flowing fluently into words. At the end of an hour’s tasting a slight reaction begins to set in; some headache comes on, the face feels wrinkled and shrivelled, particularly about the eyes, which also get dark under the lids. At the end of two hours this reaction becomes firmly established, the flushed warm feeling has passed off, the hands and feet are cold, a nervous tremor comes on, accompanied with great mental depression. And he is now so excitable that every noise startles him; he is in a state of complete unrest; he can neither walk nor sit down, owing to his mental condition, and he settles into complete gloom. Copious and frequent urinations are always present, as also certain dyspeptic symptoms, such as eructations of wind, sour taste, and others. His mental condition is peculiar. He lives in a state of dread that some accident may happen to him; in the omnibus fears a collision; crossing the street, fears that he will be crushed by passing teams; walking on the sidewalks, fears that a sign may fall, or watches the eaves of houses, thinking that a brick may fall down and kill him; under the apprehension that every dog he meets is going to bite the calves of his legs, he carries an umbrella in all weathers as a defence against such an attack. Conclusion of the foregoing.

  Ibidem, farther extract therefrom, being Argument of the poem ‘The Ship-wreck’, by William Falconer: 1. Retrospect of the voyage. Season of the year described. 2. Character of the master, and his officers, Albeit, Rodmond and Arion. Falemon, son of the owner of the ship. Attachment of Falemon to Anna, the daughter of Albert. 3. Noon. Palemon’s history. 4. Sunset. Midnight Alton’s dream. Unmoor by moonlight. Morning. Sun’s azimuth taken. Beautiful appearance of the ship, as seen by the natives from the shore.

  Canto II. 1. Reflections on leaving shore. 2. Favourable breeze. Waterspout. The dying dolphins. Breeze freshens. Ship’s rapid progress along coast Topsails reefed. Mainsail split. The ship bears up; again hauls upon the wind. Another mainsail bent, and set Porpoises. 3. The ship driven out ofher course from Candia. Heavy gale. Topsails furled. Top gallant yards lowered.
Heavy sea. Threatening sunset. Difference of opinion respecting the mode of taking in the main-sail. Courses reefed. Four seamen lost off the lee main-yard-arm. Anxiety of the master, and his mates, on being near a lee-shore. Mizzen reefed. 4. A tremendous sea bursts over the deck; its consequences. The ship labours in great distress. Guns thrown overboard. Dismal appearance of the weather. Very high and dangerous sea. Storm lightening. Severe fatigue of the crew at the pumps. Critical situation of the ship near the island of Falconera. Consultation and resolution of the officers. Speech and advice of Albert; his devout address to heaven. Order given to scud. The fore-staysail hoisted and split. The head yards braced aback. The mizzen-mast cut away.

  Canto III. 1. The beneficial influence of poetry in the civilization of mankind. Diffidence of the author. 2. Wreck of the mizzen-mast cleared away. Ship puts before the wind – labours much. Different stations of the officers. Appearance of the island of Falconera. 3. Excursion to the adjacent nations of Greece renowned in antiquity. Athens. Socrates, Plato, Aristides, Solon, Corinth – its architecture. Sparta. Leonides. Invasion by Xerxes. Lycurgus. Epaminondas. Present state of the Spartans. Arcadia. Former happiness, and fertility. Its present distress the effect of slavery. Ithaca. Ulysses, and Penelope. Argos and Mycenae. Agamemnon. Macronisi. Lemnos. Vulcan. Delos. Apollo and Diana. Troy. Sestos. Leander and Hero. Delphos. Temple of Apollo. Parnassus. The muses. 4. Subject resumed. Address to the spirits of the storm. A tempest, accompanied with rain, hail and meteors. Darkness of the night, lightning and thunder. Daybreak. St George’s cliffs open upon them. The ship, in great danger, passes the island of St George. 5. Land of Athens appears. Helmsman struck blind by lightning. Ship laid broadside to the shore. Bowsprit, foremast, and main top-mast carried away. Albert, Rodmond, Arion and Palemon strive to save themselves on the wreck of the foremast The ship parts asunder. Death of Albert and Rodmond. Arion reaches the shore. Finds Palemon expiring on the beach. His dying address to Arion, who is led away by the humane natives.

  Extract from the Poem referred to: The dim horizon lowering vapours shroud, And blot the sun yet struggling in the cloud; Thro’ the wide atmosphere condensed with haze, His glaring orb emits a sanguine blaze. The pilots now their azimuth attend. On which all courses, duly formed, depend: The compass placed to catch the rising ray, The quadrant’s shadows studious they survey; Along the arch the gradual index slides, While Phoebus down the vertic-drcle slides; Now seen on ocean’s utmost verge to swim, He sweeps it vibrant with his nether limb. Thus height, and polar distance are obtained, Then latitude, and declination, gain’d; In chiliads next the analogy is sought, And on the sinical triangle wrought: By this magnetic variance is explored, Just angles known, and polar truth restored. Conclusion of the foregoing.

  I closed the book and extinguished my cigarette at midpoint by a quick trick of the fingers. Going downstairs with an audible low tread, I opened the door of the dining-room in a meek penitent fashion. My uncle had Mr Corcoran in attendance by his side. They sat before the fire; having desisted from their conversation at my entry, they held between them a double-sided silence.

  How do you do, Mr Corcoran, I said.

  He arose the better to exert the full force of his fine man-grip.

  Ah, good evening, Sir, he said.

  Well, mister-my-friend, how do you feel today, my uncle said. I have something to say to you. Take a seat.

  He turned in the direction of Mr Corcoran with a swift eye-message of unascertained import. He then stretched down for the poker and adjusted the red coals, turning them slowly:. The dancing redness on his side-face showed a furrow of extreme intellectual effort.

  You were a long time upstairs, he said.

  I was washing my hands, I answered, utilizing a voice-tone that lacked appreciable inflexion. I hastily averted my grimy palms.

  Mr Corcoran gave a short laugh.

  Well we all have to do that, he said in an awkward manner, we are all entitled to our five minutes.

  This much he regretted for my uncle did not answer but kept turning at the coals.

  I am sure you will remember, he said at last, that the question of your studies has been a great worry to me. It has caused me plenty of anxiety, I can tell you that If you failed in your studies it would be a great blow to your poor father and certainly it would be a sore disappointment to myself.

  He paused as he turned his head in order to ascertain my listening attitude. I continued following the point of his poker as it continued burrowing among the coals.

  And you would have no excuse; no excuse in the wide world. You have a good comfortable home, plenty of wholesome food, clothes, boots – all your orders. You have a fine big room to work in, plenty of ink and paper. That is something to thank God for because there is many a man that got his education in a back-room by the light of a halfpenny candle. Oh, no excuse in the wide world.

  Again I felt his inquiring eyes upon my countenance.

  As you know yourself, I have strong views on the subject of idling. Lord save us, there is no cross in the world as heavy as the cross of sloth, for it comes to this, that the lazy man is a burden to his friends, to himself and to every man woman or child he’ll meet or mix with. Idleness darkens the understanding; idleness weakens the will; idleness leaves you a very good mark for the sinful schemes of the gentleman down below.

  I noticed that in repeating idleness, my uncle had unwittingly utilized a figure of speech usually designed to effect emphasis.

  Name of figure of speech: Anaphora (or Epibole).

  Idleness, you might say, is the father and the mother of the other vices.

  Mr Corcoran, visually interrogated, expressed complete agreement

  Oh, it’s a great mistake to get into the habit of doing nothing, he said Young people especially would have to be on their guard. It’s a thing that grows on you and a thing to be avoided.

  To be avoided like the plague, said my uncle. Keep on the move as my father, the Lord have mercy on him, used to say – keep on the move and you’ll move towards God.

  He was a saint, of course, said Mr Corcoran.

  Oh, he knew the secret of life, said my uncle, he did indeed. But wait for a minute now.

  He turned to me with a directness that compelled me to meet his eyes by means of imbuing them with almost supernatural intensity.

  I’ve said many a hard word to you for your own good, he said. I have rebuked you for laziness and bad habits of one kind or another. But you’ve done the trick, you’ve passed your examination and your old uncle is going to be the first to shake your hand. And happy he is indeed to do it.

  Giving my hand to him I looked to Mr Corcoran in my great surprise. His face bore a circular expression of surpassing happiness and pleasure. He arose in a brisk manner and leaning over my uncle’s shoulder, caused me to extract my hand from the possession of the latter and present it to him for the exercise of his honest strength. My uncle smiled broadly, making a pleased but inarticulate sound with his throat.

  I don’t know you as well as your uncle does, said Mr Corcoran, but I think I’m a good judge of character. I don’t often go wrong. I take a man as I find him. I think you’re all right…and I congratulate you on your great success from the bottom of my heart.

  I muttered my thanks, utilizing formal perfunctory expressions. My uncle chuckled audibly in the pause and tapped the grate-bar with his poker.

  You have the laugh on me tonight, you may say, he said, and boys there is nobody more pleased than I. I’m as happy as the day is long.

  Oh, the stuff was there, said Mr Corcoran. It was there all the time.

  And he would be a queer son of his father if it wasn’t, said my uncle.

  How did you find out about it? I asked.

  Oh, never you mind now, said my uncle with a suitable gesture. The old boys know a thing or two. There are more things in life and death than you ever dreamt of, Horatio.

  They laughed at me in unison, savouring the character of their bubbling good-hum
our in a short subsequent silence.

  You are forgetting something? said Mr Corcoran.

  Certainly not, said my uncle.

  He put his hand in his pocket and turned to me.

  Mr Corcoran and myself, he said, have taken the liberty of joining together in making you a small present as a memento of the occasion and as a small but sincere expression of our congratulation. We hope that you will accept it and that you will wear it to remind you when you have gone from us of two friends that watched over you – a bit strictly perhaps – and wished you well.

  He again took one hand from me and shook it, putting a small black box of the pattern utilized by jewellers in the other. The edges of the box were slightly frayed, showing a lining of grey linen or other durable material. The article was evidently of the second-hand denomination.

  Comparable word utilized by German nation: antiquarisch.

  The characters of a watch-face, slightly luminous in the gloom, appeared to me from the interior of the box. Looking up, I found that the hand of Mr Corcoran was extended in an honest manner for the purpose of manual felicitation.

  I expressed my thanks in a conventional way but without verbal dexterity or coolness.

  Oh, you are welcome, they said.

  I put the watch on my wrist and said it was a convenient article to have, a sentiment that found instant corroboration. Shortly afterwards, on the pretext of requiring tea, I made my way from the room. Glancing back at the door, I noticed that the gramophone was on the table under its black cover and that my uncle had again taken up the poker and was gazing at the fire in a meditative if pleased manner.

  Description of my uncle: Simple, well-intentioned; pathetic in humility; responsible member of large commercial concern.

  I went slowly up the stairs to my room. My uncle had evinced unsuspected traits of character and had induced in me an emotion of surprise and contrition extremely difficult of literary rendition or description. My steps faltered to some extent on the stairs. As I opened my door, my watch told me that the time was five fifty-four. At the same time I heard the Angelus pealing out from far away.