He looked so sad. I didn’t know how I was supposed to react, and I wasn’t sure if Sam had been glad to see me, or disappointed that I didn’t listen to his warning. But, the hour was late and I was still tired. Without bothering to turn down the covers, I crawled back on the bed and tried to get comfortable again.
Once I was awake enough to be aware, I missed Marco something terrible. That was about the time of night I had been used to waking up and rolling over to touch his warm body. I hugged a pillow against my chest, but it just wasn’t the same. My grip on the pillow grew tighter and tighter. I yearned to be close to him again. My heart ached in a way I didn’t think was possible for someone I wasn’t in love with. I flopped to my back and looked at the phone beside the bed.
The longer I lay there, the more tempted I was to call. But it was the full moon, he might not even be there, and tomorrow he would be gone.
I wanted Marco back, even if it was only for a night. But I couldn’t call. What would it say about me if I called then? We had mutually agreed to get on with our lives. No matter how many times I reminded myself of this, I still stared at the phone by the bed.
Finally I got up and took Mathias’ journal down from the shelf.
“If I ever needed words of wisdom old man, it’s now,” I said as I opened the cover.
I turned the page and was once again confronted with an image of one of the most hauntingly beautiful men I’d ever seen. Beautiful might not be a very masculine way to describe a man, but it was the closest I could come to doing Mathias Alexander justice. He had been known as The Seducer. He was one of the most powerful wizards to have ever lived, and he was my great, great grandfather. His hair blazed like a captive flame in the faint moonlight streaming through the balcony door. The picture seemed alive in some way. The kindness in his eyes tugged at my heart and put a lump in my throat. I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell me that everything would be alright. When I finally turned to the next page I found these words: I cannot offer you my shoulder, but please believe that everything will be alright.
That was all it took. My emotions were already shook up and I started to cry. Before I could find a tissue more of his words began to appear as if being written by an invisible hand.
Do not cry, child. It would be wrong of me to tell you the future. I do not believe in interfering with fate. But if you will not take the word of a wizard with the gift of sight, then who will you believe?
I understand what you are feeling, because I have seen it.
I have also seen your frustration at hearing me say that, but it is true. However, you are thinking, “Why did he not warn me about this?” And I say to you, I did.
Do not try to analyze things too much. As someone has recently told you, “Do not complicate things that need not be complicated.” Yes, I know where you were this past week. Do not blush. I am a very old wizard, and there is little that I have not been exposed to.
Never be embarrassed to turn to me. As I have said before, I do not have all the answers. I am merely offering advice that might be of some comfort to you. You are thinking that you haven’t really accomplished anything by reading this journal again, but you have.
You are already less anxious than you were when your fingers first touched these pages. The future will unfold before you like a wild rose blooming in the spring. They do not need your care, or your time, and whether you notice them or not, they still grow.
“What the hell does that mean?” I asked out loud.
As much as him not giving a straight answer bothered me, Mathias was right. I did feel much better than when I’d first picked up the journal. I wondered how I would ever manage to get to sleep and I saw one last response: Close your eyes.
“Smartass,” I mumbled as I put the book back on the shelf.
Mathias Alexander’s enchanted journal had come to me through an unlikely source. Marco had passed it along during one of my visits to his club. He’d found it the year before in an old bookstore in London. Since the journal was enchanted, Mathias had used it to instruct Marco to deliver the book to me. Marco was able to read the journal like a diary, telling him Mathias’ day to day life, but the teachings that my wizard ancestor had longed to pass down were only seen by me.
Mathias had made sure of that.
I decided that the only way I would ever still my mind enough to rest was to meditate. I lay flat of my back, adjusted the pillow as best I could and began to breathe deeply and evenly. Once my heart began to beat more slowly, I started the visualization exercise Mathias had taught me.
A staircase stood before me. I saw along this staircase many colors that stretched upward and wrapped around the steps. The staircase that I visualized looked very much like the stone steps leading down to Alfred’s lab and the dungeon.
As I approached the first step I looked down, and through my mind’s eye saw my right foot with the dragonfly tattoo on the big toe. This was my way of visualizing me without detaching myself from the surroundings.
The lower portion of the staircase was surrounded in a beautiful, almost jewel like red. I stepped into this red and let it embrace me. I breathed in the color and let my anger and frustration flow out of me. It took several deep breaths before I felt calm enough to continue.
The red faded into a beautiful orange that I passed through next, followed by a magnificent sunshine yellow that I stopped to breathe in, as well. I let the bright and cheerful color fill my heart and breathed out my anxiety. The yellow became a green that spilled over into a blue and from there a glorious purple. By the time I had reached the purple I felt as if I were floating instead of ascending a staircase. The purple gave way to a blinding white, beyond which there was a garden. This was my safe place, the place in my mind that I went in order to practice my skills, to release my worries, and if possible, heal my heart.
The garden was awe inspiringly lush and vibrant. The plants never stopped growing. Flowers bloomed before my eyes as if in fast motion, and vines continued to spread while I walked across them. The colors were the most vivid I’d ever seen but in particular I remembered the roses. Here I always took the time to stop and smell them in all their glory.
Surrounded by a tangle of beautiful pink roses and vines was a door. This door was silver and ornate as the door to my dungeon, but it was always locked. In order to gain entrance to this particular door, I had to let go of the last of my worries, the ones that no amount of deep breathing could take away.
I looked down and beside the door there was a box. This box was also covered in wonderful carvings and had the look of silver. I sat in front of the box and opened the lid. Inside I saw what looked like a reflection of a clear night sky. There were stars and comets, planets and moons. It looked as if the entire universe had been fitted to the inside of that box. If it could hold the universe, it could hold my problems. I visualized an object to represent each of the things that troubled me and placed them in the box. The first thing that appeared was a picture, almost like a snapshot of Marco in his red pajamas, and I put it in the box. The next was a picture of Alfred looking very upset.
Next was my father, then Elijah, and Kat. This went on for a while with everything from my bathroom scale to a paintbrush appearing before me. Miraculously the small box held them all including the next object, Mathias’ journal. I was tired of worrying about what he had meant when he warned me to be careful who I loved. I wanted to be free to love whomever I chose without worrying about what meaning it would have. Even as I thought this I knew that I could try as much as I wanted, but I could never change what I felt, nor could I dictate to myself what was appropriate for me to feel. In spite of all of that, the last object I placed into the box was a picture of a heart. Not the real kind, but a valentine version, fitted together like a puzzle. The pieces still held, but they had obviously been separate at one time.
When everything that was on my mind had at last been placed inside the box, I closed the lid. I reopened the box and saw only the reflection
of a beautiful clear night. My problems were gone, at least for now. I looked back up to the door and a key appeared in the lock. As I opened the door and stepped inside, I always put the key on a small table near the door.
But it never stayed there. In this room I had created a place for myself to cope with whatever might come my way. The room always contained whatever I needed to be there. One thing that was always there was a comfortable couch just to the left of the door. There was also a fountain that gently splashed near the end of the couch and tall bamboo plants in every corner.
I approached the small table near the sofa. This table had many layers and among the layers were many bottles. I selected the one labeled, ‘sweet dreams’. But before I could open the bottle I heard Mathias’ voice in my mind.
“There is a bottle on the shelf below that might be of more use to you,” he said.
I picked up a small bottle shaped like a tear drop and read the label.
The Desires of Your Heart I held the bottle for a moment and wondered if I really wanted to know the desires of my heart. What would knowing such a thing accomplish except to confuse me further? I was afraid that if I knew the desires of my heart it might shape my reality in a way that would not have previously been. To put it bluntly, I was afraid it might be screwing with fate. I believe things happen for a reason, and there is no such thing as coincidence. Therefore, fate should be left alone.
“But is it not fate that I would bring this to your attention now?” Mathias’ voice floated through my head again.
He was the only one capable of visiting me when I went to that place in my mind. I think it was because he had shown me how to get there. He was very specific in his instructions that I should never bring anyone with me to that room. He said that having someone else’s consciousness there might warp me in some way. Of course he said it much more eloquently than I, but that was the gist of it. It seemed I was able to somehow channel his thoughts when I was there. The way he had explained this to me in his journal was that I knew what he would say because he was a part of me.
So, I wasn’t actually channeling Mathias’ spirit, but more like his consciousness still existed somewhere deep within my mind. It would seem then some wizards might never truly die.
I had wondered before if all wizards had the power to hold the consciousness of their ancestors within their mind, but decided I didn’t really want to know. If I was the only one, I didn’t need another reason to make me feel like a weirdo.
No wonder Mathias had waited for me so long. He needed someone to house his ability, as well as his essence. Out loud I said, “Are you showing me this so you can live vicariously through my sex life?”
“My dear, I have experienced enough in my own time to put you to shame. If ever I should decide to share my experiences with you, the blush would take days to fade away.”
His sarcastic response had been instant. And in spite of its bitter undertone, I knew it was meant in jest.
“Then why did you show me this?”
“I just thought it might help you to sleep.”
“I know there’s more you’re not telling me, but I’ve learned better than to expect a straight answer from you.”
“You came here looking for sweet dreams. What could be more pleasant than to dream of the desires of your heart?”
“And what could be more painful than to wake up and realize it was all just a dream? No thank you, Mathias. I just want a good night’s sleep.”
“My dear, you are wise beyond your years.”
“You sure you weren’t just trying to have a wet dream?”
“I might be little more than smoke and thought, but I have not lost my memories. Let us just say that I was not called The Seducer for nothing.”
“Good night, Mathias.”
I sat down the bottle and re-selected the one labeled, sweet dreams’. After removing the stopper, I tipped the bottle enough to get one drop of the pale lilac liquid on my index finger. I placed this drop in the middle of my forehead just above eyebrow level, where many psychics believe the third eye resides.
I stretched out across the sofa and covered myself with a blanket that looked to be made of thousands of vibrant green leaves.
—
The morning came in what felt like the blink of an eye. It looked like I hadn’t moved for the rest of the night and my arms were cold from sleeping above the covers. If I had dreamed, I could not recall. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I padded downstairs still wearing the pjs that I’d put on the afternoon before. The only thing that was suitable for breakfast was some frozen waffles I’d managed to overlook the day before. I absolutely had to buy groceries.
As I was making coffee to go with the waffles, I heard a bump at the front door. It wasn’t exactly a knock, more like something had smacked into the wood. Until then, I had forgotten about Sam. Even if I had remembered nothing could have prepared me for what was waiting outside. When I opened my front door I found Sam curled up on my welcome mat, naked. The shredded material that remained of his jeans had been placed carefully over the parts that mattered, and he was sound asleep.
“Ahem,” I cleared my throat.
Sam looked over his shoulder at me and smiled. He got to his feet, still holding the jeans in front of him and still smiling.
He seemed completely comfortable, as if it were normal to be standing on my front porch in the buff.
“Good mornin’,” he drawled.
“I’m impressed,” I smiled, looking him up and down.
“You and me both,” he teased. “I figured somebody would have seen me and called the police by now.” He laughed.
“You look surprised.”
“I expected to see you, Sam, just not so much of you.”
“Is that a complaint?”
“Nope.”
I stepped back and motioned for him to come inside. When he walked past me it was all I could do to resist smacking his ass. So, I just got a good look instead.
“Nice,” I said as he made his way into the foyer.
“Always nice to be appreciated.” He winked.
I watched as his long lean body walked down the hall and out of my sight. Yes, Sam had a very nice body. He wasn’t quite in Marco’s category of buffness, but there was nothing to complain about either.
While I went back to my coffee, I assumed that Sam was in the shower and left a mug out for him. I had just put my waffles in the toaster when I heard a knock at the front door.
I answered the door and found a very frazzled looking Kat who immediately pushed her way into the house. I’d met Kat four years ago after rescuing her boyfriend at the time from werewolves. Kat is six years older than me and slightly taller.
Her shoulder length brunette hair hung in damp waves that told me she’d gotten dressed in a hurry. It was my fault for letting her worry.
“Where have you been? I mean, what is going on with you? First you take off to the club in the middle of a hurricane, next I get a note from Marco saying that, ‘Lilith is with me should you need to reach her.’ And, ‘P.S. She will most likely be staying the week’.”
At the end of this little spiel Kat was out of breath and looked angry. I invited her to come in the kitchen and I would explain. It took me a while, but I’d pretty much covered everything except the fact that Marco and I hadn’t actually had sex. By this time, Kat had calmed down tremendously, especially when she understood that I had been stranded there because of the storm and hadn’t actually set out to leave for the week.
“You mean to tell me you spent the week with a sexy beast like Marco, and you idn’t have sex with him?”
“I stayed so I could get to know more about him, Kat. Not so he could whip it out and let me take measurements.”
“Well, that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it sounds like fun.” She laughed.
“You’re sick.”
“So, what did you learn about him then?”
I told Kat that for all appear
ance sake, Marco was not such a bad guy after all. Of course I left out a few minor details. I didn’t want to give away pack business, or anything like that.
But, I told Kat as much as I could, which was basically everything. I even told her about what Marco was going to propose to the council and she was impressed.
“Wow. So they could like announce on the news next week or something that werewolves are among us?”
“It’s possible, but I don’t think it will happen that fast.
Besides, even if they do recognize them as being legal citizens again on Terra, that doesn’t necessarily mean that Earth will do the same.”
“But it’s likely?”
“Yeah. I expect it will happen that way.”
Kat took a few minutes to absorb this information and poured herself a cup of coffee. However, once she had her mind set on something Kat was not easily distracted and went right back to the topic of sex.
“So you didn’t do anything?” I didn’t have to ask what she meant.
“Well....”
I went on to tell her about what had happened between Marco and me in the bathtub. My description was vivid, seeing as how I couldn’t get the images out of my mind.
Every time I closed my eyes I was confronted with a vision of Marco crawling toward me through the hot frothy water, his wet silk pajamas clinging to his muscular thighs. The way the water glistened off his hot skin in the candlelight was enough to make me foam at the mouth.
“Damn,” she said in a hushed voice. “I’m impressed. I mean, that takes skill.”
I laughed. “Yeah, it does.”
“He know any other tricks?” she pressed.
“I don’t know, Kat. I didn’t ask him.”
“He really kept the pants on?”
I nodded.
“That’s a damn shame.” She shook her head like she’d just read about a great tragedy in the news.
I described for her as best I could how I had felt afterward and her eyes bugged out of her head. I went on to say the real shame was that I’d never experienced anything like that in my life and we hadn’t even had sex.
Object of My Affection Page 2