by Carrie Asai
“Oh, right,” Karen said, sort of distracted, as she walked into the kitchen and took off her jacket. Was I imagining things, or was there just a tiny hint of coldness in her voice? I frowned, watching Karen’s back as she walked over to the phone and picked it up. “I’m just going to check my voice mail,” she called casually. Was it just that I was trying to create drama with Karen? Or was she seriously jealous of me and Hiro?
I walked back into the living room. The thought of Hiro brought me back to our awkward good-bye. I’d slammed into him! Why had that good-bye been so awkward? Was there something Hiro had wanted to say? My mind spun. I thought about his lips, his eyelashes. His wonderful smooth skin. Maybe Karen has reason to be jealous of me.
I let out a long, dreamy, loud sigh.
“Are you feeling okay?” Karen said from the other room. “Something wrong?”
“I’m fine,” I said. I guess I’d sighed too loudly. “Just tired.”
“Listen, maybe you’re just stressed out. I mean, you’ve been through a lot today. Being mugged isn’t fun. I got mugged in San Francisco once, and I was freaked out for a week.” She came out of the kitchen and gave me a curious look. “You reported it to the police, right?” she asked. “You should help them catch this jerk. Before he goes and mugs someone else.”
I nodded. “Oh, we told the police. They, um, took my statement and everything.”
Karen’s smile returned. “Good. Hiro’s neighborhood can get pretty dicey, I hear.”
“Uh-huh,” I said, quickly remembering what Hiro had said: Karen should stay out of this. He and I had made an agreement that we’d try to keep what was happening with me—the attacks, my father, Teddy, ninjas, all of it—as quiet as possible. The more people who knew, the more people who might get hurt.
Karen went over to her couch and fluffed a couple of pillows. “How about we watch the movies I rented? We can lounge and relax.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. Watching movies actually sounded great. I hadn’t been able to do this in ages. Karen’s couch had the most comfortable cushions I’d ever sat on. Soon enough we had popped in Sixteen Candles, a movie I’d seen tons of times back in Tokyo with Katie. Laughter came easily. I began to feel a little bit safer. Before long I found my mind drifting. Suddenly my mind was filled with pictures of Hiro: I saw him in that same way he’d come to me in my dream, romantic, ideal. I imagined what it would feel like to just lean in and kiss him. I hugged myself and flexed my toes in and out, filled with a delicious but anxious sense of lust.
Was it me, or had he been looking at me like he wanted to say something else when I left? There was one time earlier this week when we’d been preparing dinner together and Hiro had turned to me and opened his mouth to say something. “What?” I’d asked. “There’s—” he said, then stopped. “What?” I asked again. “What is it?” Hiro shook his head.
“Never mind,” he said. “It’s not a big deal.” I hadn’t really thought too much of it then—sometimes Hiro got lost in his own thoughts—but now I wondered. What had he been trying to tell me? My heart hammered. Would there be a day when Hiro would admit that he felt something for me? What if I said something to him first? No way. I was too afraid he would laugh at me or something. I might have grown braver in my martial arts skills, but as far as love was concerned, I was a complete rookie.
“Heaven?”
I jumped. “Huh?”
Karen laughed. “I’ve been talking to you for ten minutes now and you haven’t said a word.”
“Oh,” I said. Really?
“You seem about a million miles away. You had the strangest look on your face just then,” Karen said. “What’s going on?”
I tried to snap myself out of it. What was I doing? I was in the home of a girl I didn’t know very well, letting my imagination run away with me. I straightened up. Could I really open up to Karen? How much did she really know about my life?
“Nothing, really,” I said. “I’m just tired, that’s all.” I didn’t know how much to explain. I felt that so much was swirling in my head and I needed to get it out, but maybe Karen wasn’t the right person to talk to. She acted sort of strange whenever I brought up Hiro. I didn’t totally trust her.
“Are you sure?” Karen said in a soft voice. “If you want to talk about anything…”
I sighed. The truth was, I really wanted to talk. Not just about Hiro—about everything. Being on my own. Finding an apartment. I so missed my long talks with Katie. Hiro could be a great listener, but there was just something about having a girlfriend to talk to. And Karen was being so nice about it…. Maybe there was a way I could disguise who I was talking about? Maybe if I pretended I had a thing for someone else, Karen would stop acting weird.
“I’m just a little overwhelmed, that’s all,” I said. Once I started, the words just came flooding out of me. “I have to both get a job and find a new apartment in, like, less than a week. I’ve never had to do anything like this before. My dad in Tokyo was way overprotective. He wouldn’t allow me to get a job. So what am I even qualified to do? How can I get a job and expect to train at the dojo as well? And how can I do all that and find a new apartment? How did you do it? How do you, like, you know, live? How do you make decisions for yourself? How do you deal with…everyday things? Honestly, I just want to hide under someone’s bed for the rest of my life. But that’s not an option….”
Once I started talking, it felt good to admit my fears to someone, even if I wasn’t sure what to expect.
Karen smiled. “I admit it’s hard at first. Like I said, I didn’t grow up here but moved out to get a change of scenery. But let me tell you, it’s the best thing in the world to be on your own. You learn a lot about yourself, and other people, and…” She trailed off. She stared at something random on the wall. It was like she was one of those battery-operated toys whose batteries had just run out.
“Um, hello?” I said tentatively.
Karen blinked. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I’ve been totally spacey lately. But really, Heaven, it’s scary and great at the same time. You’ll really appreciate the experience once you’ve been through it.”
Great. I had to get through it first before I could appreciate it. What if I was dead before I got through it? The deeper meaning of what I was saying and not saying chilled me to the bone. Karen had no idea that there were thugs attacking me and other, invisible people who were after me. Those things worried me even more than striking out and making a life for myself. What if there was no one to defend me? Was I ready?
I threw myself back on the pillow.
“You have to take it one day at a time,” Karen said in a dreamy voice.
That was actually true. If I got a job and an apartment, maybe I’d be hidden from these attacker guys. Maybe I could find them before they found me.
I took a deep breath. “There’s something else, too,” I said.
“What?” Karen said. My tone of voice must have caught her attention.
I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that my life really was a movie, and this was going to be my Academy Award–winning performance. “Promise you won’t say anything to anyone,” I said, opening them.
“Of course not. What is it?” Karen asked.
“Well, okay.” I took another deep breath. “I’ve been in the United States for a month, but there’s this boy I like back in Japan.”
“Oh! Back in Japan?” Karen’s eyes widened just a little. If I’d blinked, I would’ve missed it, but for a second there she definitely looked surprised.
“Yeah. And”—I let out a deep sigh—“I really like him. We’ve been good friends for a while. We spent a lot of time together, and he had been trying to tell me things, and I think he might have really been interested in me, but he never fully finished his thought.”
Karen nodded slowly. “I see,” she said.
“But there’s a pretty good chance I’ll see him again. Not anytime soon, I mean, because he’s in Japan, but someday. Do you think…is
there any way to figure out whether he’s really interested? Maybe I should make the first move. Or try to make him jealous. Or something.” I looked over at Karen, trying to look innocent and sincere while I repeated my words back to myself and tried to make sure there was no hint that I was really talking about Hiro.
Karen looked at me for a long time. After a few seconds my heart began to pound about a million times a minute. I was sure that she had figured me out. I felt like there was a giant blinking sign on my head that said IT’S NOT A BOY FROM TOKYO—HEAVEN LOVES HIRO! But to my surprise, she finally smiled and nodded and said, “I don’t give advice too much, but do you really want to know what I think?”
“Um, yes.” It was so weird to talk about this. Even though I’d known for a while that I was into Hiro, I guess it had been floundering in the back of my head—not really poking to the surface. Saying the words out loud made it seem much more serious.
“Well, Heaven, if he really likes you, he’ll let you know. There might not be anything more than that. But believe me, he’ll let you know how he feels. That’s the only way it’s ever happened to me.”
“Uh-huh,” I said. Karen looked in the other direction. She looked like she’d suddenly gotten wrapped up in the beginning of You’ve Got Mail. Was there any way she could have figured out I was talking about Hiro? No, I told myself. Stop being paranoid and just take her advice. I had the feeling it was good advice. If I could just be myself, things with Hiro would fall into place. And honestly, I had a feeling they were heading in the right direction already.
Suddenly the phone rang. Karen shot up like the chair was on fire and ran to get it. “Hi, Hiro,” she said after a couple of seconds. My stomach did a little flip. I sat up, expecting Karen to give the phone over to me, but she didn’t. Instead she went farther into the kitchen, moving out of earshot. I could hear her say, “Yes…yes. Heaven is fine. Yeah…we were here all day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.” Then she went into her room and I could only hear bits and pieces of the conversation.
Something suddenly seemed fishy. Why was Karen going into her bedroom to talk to Hiro? Was she telling him something about me? A knot formed in my stomach. What if she was telling Hiro about the Japanese guy I’d told her about? Hiro would definitely ask questions or say it completely wasn’t true…and then…oh my God…what if they figured out that I was actually talking about Hiro? What if they were having a big laughathon over Heaven and her stupid crush? Like she has a shot! I imagined Hiro saying. My cheeks burned. I sat up a little taller on the couch to hear Karen.
“That sounds terrible,” I heard her say in a weirdly sweetened voice, very different than the unaffected tone she’d used with me and while she was at the dojo. Again I clenched my teeth. What exactly were these two saying about me?
I heard Karen giggle. “Oh, you!” she said lightly. Then, “Yeah…I know…me too. Definitely.” She was speaking so softly that I didn’t think she was saying anything about me. And if they weren’t talking about me, what were they talking about?
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
What if…what if…they…what if…?
I suddenly felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I even doubled over, although that made me feel worse. I couldn’t wait for Karen to hang up the phone. My mind rewound back to her dazed looks all day and her cryptic comment about If a boy likes you, he’ll let you know. That’s the only way it’s ever happened to me.
What an idiot I’d been.
All day today we’d been spacing out over the same guy.
I put my head in my hands. Maybe it wasn’t true. But when Karen finally strolled back into the living room, she wore a goofy smile on her face. “Hey,” she said to me breezily.
“Was that Hiro?” I realized too late that my voice had come out like a bark.
“Yeah,” Karen said. “I told him what we were up to today and, you know.”
I saw her cheeks grow rosy.
“Karen…,” I said very slowly, feeling like a knife was being applied right between my shoulder blades, “is something going on between you and Hiro? Are you guys, like, more than friends?”
I pasted on the fakest-looking smile in human history. I think I looked like Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons. Hey hey! I felt like my true feelings for Hiro were scribbled all over my face with a gigantic Magic Marker. Surely Karen would look up and see.
But she just smiled. I guess when you’re that happy, it’s hard to be bothered by the total misery of those around you. “Well, I didn’t want to say anything, because it kind of just started, and I know you’re a friend of his. But yeah.” She took my hand in hers, all girl-talk excitement. I briefly entertained the thought of squeezing her hand so hard, my knuckles would turn white. “Yeah, something’s starting, I think. At least it’s heading that way.” She sat back down on the couch, becoming her cool, collected self again.
“That’s great,” I said limply. My stomach sank to my knees and my lip wobbled. I was sure all the color had been sucked out of my face. I felt like a complete and total idiot, but I kept looking at her with this frozen grin. Inside, I was so far away from smiley. I had never in my life heard anything less great.
I keep tossing and turning in bed. I can’t get a good position. I try to do some yoga pranayama breathing to calm myself down, but I’m way too excited. I’ve had this experience only a couple of other times. There was James, back in San Francisco, who lived only a block away from me. We used to walk to school together, six short streets, filing in. We would walk silently. Our hands would brush together, dance. And then one day when we were about to go inside, maybe a block away, up against a building, he kissed me. James was a year older. I had never kissed anyone before. At first I didn’t know what to do, but then somehow I did. Somehow my mouth and hands knew where to go. I remember thinking, Wow, I’m kissing someone. This is what it’s like. With James, with kissing, it seemed to come naturally.
Kissing Hiro has come naturally, too. He has such a gorgeous mouth. The first time we kissed was only days ago. He’d been dancing around it and then we were in his office at the dojo together, talking. I felt that way you feel when…I don’t know…you know someone likes you. And it felt so good. I had been thinking about him for weeks, and then…finally…it seemed that Hiro would go out of his way to be around me, be near me, touch me. I remember reading a magazine article on body language and how to tell if someone is interested. If they’re leaning toward you, working to get close, then that’s a big sign. Hiro was always leaning in.
When we first kissed, he stared at me intensely and took my hands and lowered me down to my knees and leaned down from his chair and his lips met mine. He didn’t explain himself; he just did it. That made it even sexier. He held my face and then pulled his hands through my hair and locked his fingers behind my head. And again, as with James, I knew exactly what to do. I closed my eyes. I let the sensations carry me away.
When it was over, I stared at him, not surprised, not shocked, just stared a confident stare. But I have to say I got a little scared afterward. I’m a little scared now. This feeling seems so much bigger—better—than with James. Back then, we were kids. With Hiro, I think I could invest something…I feel like it could really go somewhere.
I am getting completely careless thinking about Hiro. I told Heaven about us; I wonder if I should have. I guess she would’ve found out soon enough. I wonder how Hiro will tell her. He seems so protective of her. And the truth is—really—I had been totally convinced that she felt something for him. Just something about the way she looked at him, the way she seems uncomfortable, unhappy, whenever she’s not with him. But now she gives me this new information about a guy she likes in Japan. Still—could she be making that up? Why would she? I guess her attachment to Hiro is understandable, considering her situation. And he’s not even telling me half of what’s going on now. But I’m burning to know. I know it’s none of my business. But I’m still wildly curious.
Kar
en
4
The next morning I rolled over and stared at a wall that I didn’t recognize. I shot up in bed.
Where the hell was I?
Oh. Right. Karen’s.
Karen, who’s dating Hiro.
My stomach dropped down into my toes.
I could hear noises in the other room. Karen must already be up. Karen, who’s dating Hiro. I stumbled into the kitchen to see her, fully dressed in dark jeans and a flowy top. Her bag containing her neatly folded cotton gi jacket, obi, and flowy cotton pants sat by the door. She was sitting at the table, having a cup of tea. I gritted my teeth: She looked perfect. She always looked perfect. And I looked…like I’d just stumbled out of bed.
“I see you’re up,” Karen said with a smile. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay.” I immediately felt bad. I knew it was wrong to be mad at Karen. It wasn’t like she knew where my imagination had gone. It wasn’t like she’d stolen Hiro out from under me in any place but my own head.
Actually, now that I’d slept on it, I wondered if maybe it was Hiro I should feel annoyed at. Why didn’t he tell me what was going on? It was pretty hard to hide anything from me, what with me living in his apartment, working out at his dojo. So why had he gone out of his way not to tell me he was involved with Karen? I knew he had a right to privacy, but I hated feeling like he didn’t trust me. That time earlier this week when he’d stopped and tried to tell me something—maybe that was it. But he’d stopped himself. Why? I felt even younger and dumber than I had yesterday.
“You going to be okay here on your own?” Karen asked, sipping her tea.
I shrugged. “I guess so.” A little streak of nerves sang through my stomach. Today I had to do things. Real things. Things everyone else in America probably did without batting an eyelash, but which seemed impossible to me. Beyond impossible. It’s all right, Heaven, I told myself. One step at a time.