“Yeah.” She laughed. “She was all types of hyped about that. Thanks for letting me tell her, by the way. I think it made her millennium.”
“I bet.” I leaned back to rest on my elbows. “And what did she think about going forward with this plan you two cooked up so that you’ll be allowed to be with the men you yearn for?” I chuckled to try to make light of it. I really was trying very hard to take things for what they were, but it was getting harder and harder to do that.
“Oh, we didn’t talk about that at all.” She tossed a pink dress on the bed. “Do you like that one for the morning show? You could wear pale blue.”
“Sure.” I barely noticed the dress at all as I looked at her. I couldn’t believe she was dawdling so much—how could she not want to put an end to this hiding shit as quickly as possible? “You didn’t talk about that at all? That seems odd. Don’t you both want things to be honest and open? Or is that just me?”
“It’s not just you.” She looked exasperated with me, and that set me off.
“Look, I want you. I want the world to know that you and I have found something. Sure, we work together, but who really gives two flying fucks about that?” I got up and began to pace.
I wanted something, and I was used to making things happen when I saw something I wanted. This time I needed a little assistance. She and I were a team, right? Teammates help each other out, right?
“What are you stomping around for?” she asked me as she placed a pair of nude heels on the bed. “Do you like the way these look with this dress?”
“They look great.” I stopped pacing, annoyed that she’d called it stomping, as if I were some spoiled toddler. “And for the record, I wasn’t stomping, just pacing. I’m kind of upset, if you haven’t noticed.”
“Oh, I’ve noticed. Believe me, I’ve noticed. And what do you think I can do to fix that?” She rolled her eyes as she went to her endless supply of makeup to pick out tomorrow’s look. Lila didn’t like the way the makeup girl did her makeup, so she’d do it at home before we’d leave. She’d let them do her hair, but the makeup was her thing.
“So you’ve noticed and you just don’t care?” I asked her, feeling an incredulous expression on my face. I couldn’t believe she knew how much I wanted this and yet was paying so little attention to it. It made it seem like she didn’t care. No, she was just going along, picking out her things like she wasn’t worried about my feelings in the least.
I’d never been a man who made mountains out of molehills. And I didn’t think I was doing it then either. But she sure acted like I was, sighing heavily then looking at me with a sweet expression. “What’s wrong with what we’re doing now?”
“Everything.” I threw my hands in the air. “How can you even ask that question, baby?”
“I don’t see why you think everything is wrong with what we’re doing now. We get to spend some nights together, having crazy great sex. We get to hang out together at work. We get to do almost everything we’d get to do if we were allowed to be a couple.” She paused as she looked at the five shades of pink nail polish that she’d put on top of the dresser.
So I stepped in where she left off. “Yeah, we get to do everything except be a real one out in public. Except for getting to meet each other’s families. Except for getting to walk, hand in hand in Central Park, like all the other couples do.”
Her lips quirked up to one side as she took three of the bottles of polish and laid them next to the dress, which was still lying on her bed. She eyed them until she finally picked one up, moving it away from the dress and taking it out of the running. “That’s really sweet that you want to do all that. And in time we will be able to. No reason to rush anything.”
I was silent, as I had no idea what else to say to her to convince her that she did need to rush just a bit. At this rate, she might not ever go through with her plan. She might have me doing this same exact shit for years.
Well, I wasn’t okay with that. I wanted more. And what I wanted was completely normal. What she was willing to settle for wasn’t. She hadn’t seemed to want this secretive lifestyle when we’d first gotten together, and I didn’t understand why she was being so casual about it now.
“You’re shortchanging yourself, Lila. Think about it.” I tried to pull out any card I could that would pull her into this conversation about us for a little while.
“Duke, I don’t feel like I’m shortchanging myself at all. I’m sorry you feel that way. We are totally getting what we want. I wish you could see that and stop all this.” She put one of the two remaining nail polishes back in her drawer, leaving the one that matched perfectly with the dress on the bed next to it.
I marveled for a moment at how she went about her life. So meticulous, so well prepared. She’d be able to pull her plan off if she just gave it the same thought she gave to her cheeks, lips, and nails. But she didn’t seem motivated to do that.
Honesty is always the best policy, my mother always told me. I thought giving that a try might be the best idea. “Look, I didn’t want to say this. Mostly because I didn’t want to sound needy, but here it goes anyway. Lila, I’m beginning to feel like just a piece of ass to you.”
She laughed as if that notion was utterly ridiculous. “Duke, you are much more than a piece of ass to me. You should know that by now. Didn’t I tell you I wouldn’t be seeing anyone else but you? Doesn’t that show you that you mean more to me than merely someone I happen to be having great sex with?”
“Awe-inspiring sex is how I look at it. But anyway, no, it doesn’t mean that. Not when all we have is a friendship during the day and sex at night, without a soul knowing about it.” I crossed my arms over my chest, adding a humph at the end to punctuate my statement.
“Frankly, I don’t want anyone to know what we’re doing in our private time,” she said, making a face like that was distasteful.
“You know I don’t mean that I want to take out a billboard saying we fucked like rabbits all night long.” I had to huff once more as the steam built up inside of me. “I just want people to know that you and I are together, that’s all.”
She looked at me for a moment. “That’s sweet, babe. It really is. But this sexual misconduct thing is huge. And I can’t go scheming all over the station, pulling in women to overthrow our brand-new boss and take everything over. Sorry. I know I came up with this harebrained idea, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do after all.”
And there it finally was. Lila wasn’t going to go through with her plan at all. And she hadn’t even been straight with me about that. “Well, isn’t that something. A champion communicator who has failed to communicate with the one person she should be able to do that with the best. Our bodies certainly communicate well, don’t they?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry, Duke. I really am.”
“Me too.” I looked away, knowing I couldn’t look at her and say the things I needed to say. “Maybe we should take this back a bit then. Like to the very beginning, before that first kiss. Because I never knew how painful this would be.”
She threw her hands up in the air as if she just couldn’t understand me at all. “Duke, that’s so unnecessary. Do you really want to stop having sex?”
I jerked my head back to look her in the eyes, so she could see I meant what I said, “It’s not just sex with you. You should know that.”
“So what should we do then?” She looked miffed now. “Quit our jobs? Be homeless on the streets of New York and pray one day someone will hire us after quitting our once-in-a-lifetime jobs? And we would do that why, exactly? Love?” She shook her head as if the idea was ludicrous.
“Maybe,” I said softly.
Lila stopped what she was doing to look at me long and hard before she spoke, “Do you love me, Duke Cofield?”
That word hadn’t ever been said between us. Well, it had been a little. But it always pertained to specific things, like how I loved the way she smelled. But we’d never said those three little
words that everyone yearns to hear. Or that everyone wants to hear when the other person actually means it. I love you had never been said.
Was I about to utter those words to the woman who refused to do a thing to help us take our relationship to the next level?
No fucking way. “Maybe,” is what came out of my mouth instead.
Her blue eyes drooped at the corners. She sat heavily on the bed. “Then we really do need to stop playing around, don’t we?”
The fact that she hadn’t even returned so much as a maybe in return had me feeling pretty fucking terrible.
After all we’d shared? All we’d done together? How could she not have a little love for me buried in her heart somewhere?
So I decided to give her what she wanted. “I guess we should stop then. Before someone really gets hurt.”
By someone, I meant me. She seemed like she’d be just fucking fine.
Her eyes were glued to the floor, her hands clasped in her lap. “I have fun with you. I like being with you in all ways. But we can’t have more than what we have right now, can we?”
All I could do was shrug. “We could. You just don’t want to do anything to make that happen.”
She shook her head, making that beautiful blonde hair move in thick waves across her back. “I can’t go stirring up the waters yet. I just can’t, Duke.”
It looked like there was nothing else I could say or do to make her understand that I couldn’t go on this way for much longer, much less forever. “Then I guess we should stop this now. No reason to continue, since I seem to be the only one with feelings here.”
Lila didn’t say one word as I headed for the door. It tore me to pieces that she could watch me leave, knowing what we had would be over when I walked out the door. We’d never have another kiss, touch, no more blissful nights in bed, nothing.
My hand grasped the doorknob, and I twisted it open just as my guts twisted deep inside me. I had to leave; I had to do it.
But damn, it was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lila
I don’t know what I expected when I saw Duke the next day, but I didn’t expect what he did.
We met at the table to do the morning news, the same way we’d done the previous day. He was the normal Duke he’d always been. Chipper, happy, and charming. But when it was over, he got up and walked away without saying so much as see you later.
I watched him go and felt the pull in my heart that begged me to go after him and tell him I’d made a terrible mistake. But I sat there instead, not wanting to make a scene at work that would lead to me losing my job.
I’d felt drained ever since he’d left my room the night before. He’d left a hole inside of me. I hadn’t realized he had taken over such a huge spot inside of me, but he had.
And I had let it all go.
Someone came along to start cleaning up the breakfast stuff off the table, and only then did I get up and head to the elevators that would take me up to my office. I wanted to stay far enough behind Duke that I wouldn’t see him.
It was just too hard.
When I stepped off the elevator into the reception area of the penthouse offices, I didn’t notice a single person I passed as I walked into my office. I stopped and stared at Duke’s door across the hall from mine. I thought about knocking but then decided I shouldn’t.
I went into my office and meandered around aimlessly for a while. My motivation from the day before had abandoned me. Hell, I hadn’t even done my own makeup at home before I came to the station. I’d just showered and dressed then headed to the station to let them make me camera-ready.
My nails were still a mauve color—I hadn’t had it in me last night to paint them to match my dress. All I could do was think about Duke after he left.
The night had been long, and I hadn’t gotten much sleep. What little I had gotten had been riddled with bad dreams. I wasn’t sure how long it would take to get over Duke, or if I ever would.
I’d made such a big mistake acting like things were just fine the way they were. I’d known we had to do something about our situation, but what if we brought it up to other people and that just backfired? And I was just so damn torn about going to all the other women at the station to plead my case to them. Taking away a rule that made some of them feel safe, just so I could have my way—it didn’t sit well with me.
Finally, I took my seat at the desk and opened my laptop to see what kinds of emails had come in. I found way too many of them and found the whole thing overwhelming.
The first one I opened said the person was ready to be a fan-for-life of Duke and me. We were so natural together, it seemed like we’d known one another forever.
I closed the laptop and dropped my head on top of it.
What have I done?
I had no idea how long I lay there like that. When a knock came to my door, I jerked my head up and looked at it.
Could it be him?
I pressed the button under my desk to open the door, and there stood Nina. “Hi, I thought I’d come up and say hello before getting busy on your social media stuff this morning.” She came in and took a seat in the big comfy chair on the other side of my desk. “Wow, are you okay, Lila? I mean, you look out of sorts.”
“I feel out of sorts.” I leaned my head back in the chair instead of taking my old position of lying on the laptop. That one looked a little too pitiful for anyone else to see.
“And why is that?” she asked me.
“I can’t really talk about it.” I turned my chair a bit so I could look out the window. All the skyscrapers out there usually made me feel happy inside. But nothing wasn’t making me feel happy. Nothing at all.
“You can’t talk about it?” Nina asked as she got up and went over to the coffee maker to make a pot of coffee. “You need some caffeine, girl. I’m going to make us up a pot and help you get out of this funk you’ve gotten yourself into.”
I didn’t want any coffee; I wanted Duke to come and tell me it wasn’t really over. But that didn’t happen, and all too soon I was looking at the steaming cup of coffee Nina brought to me.
She stood there, waiting for me to take it out of her hand. “Thank you,” I told her as I took it from her. She wasn’t about to leave until I drank some of it, that was obvious.
Taking her cup back to her seat, she went right into the interrogation phase of our conversation. “So, spill it, Lila. Something’s not right, I can see that. Is it about a family member?”
“No.” I sipped the hot coffee. She’d added some spices and cream, and it was pretty damn good. But I guess I didn’t want anything good because I set it down on my desk.
Nina wasn’t about to be put off. “Is this about a member of the opposite sex?”
I nodded. “Yep,” but kept my eyes on the swirling mist over the coffee cup.
“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.” Nina placed her cup on the desk too, as if she were really ready to get to work on me. “Is this man a boyfriend?”
“He was,” I admitted that much to her.
“Did this boyfriend break up with you?” She was on fire.
“Yep.” My eyes moved up to hers. “So, now you know the reason for my melancholy mood, Nina. Is this question and answer session over now?”
She smiled at me. “Far from it. Now, to get to the meat of the problem. Why did this boyfriend break up with you? Was it jealousy over your newfound success?”
“Not at all.” I spun back and forth in my chair a bit, feeling fidgety. I would’ve loved nothing more than to spill my guts to Nina. I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about this thing, and she had admitted her own struggles with the stupid rules to me. But I had gone a hell of a lot further than merely lusting after Duke. No, he and I had acted on that mutual attraction, and that had either been the biggest mistake we’d both ever made, or something else. What, I didn’t know.
Nina wasn’t about to give up. “Okay, so not jealous. Did he
find another girl he’s interested in?”
“Not that either.” I hoped that if I answered enough of her questions then she’d just leave me alone.
She’d never get the real reason my boyfriend had dumped me. Who would ever get the answer to that question?
“I can’t really see you being this way, but were you bitchy to him?” She leveled her eyes on me.
Had I been?
“I don’t think bitchy is the right term.” I picked up my coffee again, taking a bigger sip of it now that it had cooled off some. “By the way, it would be a crime if I didn’t compliment you on this coffee, Nina. It’s better than any I’ve ever tasted before.”
“Thank you. I was a barista before I got this gig. If I’d had more to work with, I could’ve made you an even better cup of joe.”
“I’ll see that you do get more to work with then, for next time.” I had to smile—the coffee was just so good. “You’ve got hidden talents, my friend.”
“I know, there’re a few more up my sleeve. But back to the Inquisition.” She tapped her chin while she thought up her next question. “If you weren’t bitchy to him, what were you?”
I had to think about that myself. “I suppose you could say that he was more concerned about the state of our relationship than I was. And that’s what got in our way. He couldn’t take the way things had to be between us.”
“And why did things have to be a certain way?” she asked me. “Because of your new schedule or something like that? Was he mad about the time you’ve been spending at work? Because you’re better off without him if he wanted to monopolize your time. You’ve got work to do—you can’t be at some man’s beck and call all the time.”
Shaking my head, I said, “No, that wasn’t it. He just wanted to have something we couldn’t right now. And he grew impatient. Especially when he thought we were close to getting what we wanted, until I backed out of the plan I’d come up with.”
“This is all so mysterious.” She picked up her coffee and took a sip. “Okay, so you both wanted the same thing, but then you changed your mind about it, and he got mad. Was it having a baby? Did you guys want to have a baby, but you got the anchor position and thought that might be a bad idea since you just started the job and all? Because you could tell him that you’re just not ready to get pregnant right now, but in like a year or so you might think about it again. That should make him kind of happy. Happy enough to get back together. Don’t you think so?”
Dirty News (Dirty Network Book 1) Page 17