Most days, if he wasn’t busy with some call-in radio show or community involvement arranged for by the Storm, Jamie had come and helped, too. Occasionally he brought Levi or Austin Cooper along and put them to work. The guys had all painted together side by side, bickering and bantering while Dad grumbled orders, and it had started to feel normal.
Every night, though, I ended up next door at Jamie’s instead of sleeping in my own house. It didn’t seem to matter that I was a homeowner now. Not once had I slept without him since that first night, and I was dreading the fact that tomorrow, I would have to. Not only was I going to be radioactive but the team’s home stand had come to an end with tonight’s game. They were due to fly to Philadelphia tomorrow afternoon.
My new normal was about to be stripped away from me. The loss of normalcy was already weighing heavily on me, and it hadn’t even started yet.
The team had lost three to one, and only a handful of players hadn’t made several glaring mistakes in the course of the loss. Jamie had been as quiet as I had the whole way home, but then he reached across the console for my hand. “It’s going to be all right,” he said.
“You don’t know that. No one knows.”
“You’re right. No one knows, but I believe it.”
I laced my fingers with his, and that was when I noticed his knuckles were red and swollen. I pulled his hand up so I could see it more clearly in the streetlights, which made it even more obvious that he’d used his hand to throw punches at someone or something. There were a couple of splits in the skin that had been closed with butterfly bandages instead of stitches. I’d been around hockey players my whole life, so I knew what this meant. There was no possibility of misunderstanding.
“You didn’t get in a scrap tonight,” I said. “You haven’t fought once all season. What happened?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Don’t brush me off, Jamie.”
“It was just me being stupid. That’s all. No big deal.”
“You could have broken your hand.” For that matter, I wasn’t convinced that he hadn’t broken something. I turned it palm up and scrutinized it, but that didn’t really help. No X-ray vision. “It is a big deal. Who did you hit?”
“The wall.” He drew his hand free from mine and placed it back on the wheel. “I punched the fucking wall in intermission, not that it did anyone any good. I hurt my hand, I let my teammates see me lose my shit, and we still fucking lost the game.”
“Why did you punch a wall?”
“It was either the wall or Koz, and I figured it would be better if only one of us got hurt instead of both of us.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked even though I knew he would say no. It didn’t matter how many issues hockey players had with their coaches or teammates, they never talked about it outside of the locker room or the coach’s office. Maybe behind closed doors with a wife, but I wasn’t his wife, and even that could sometimes be shaky ground because there had been more than a few cases of players’ wives cheating with a teammate. They seemed to all live by the rule of handling issues within the organization, not spreading things to the media. That was just part of the deal in the hockey world. What happens in the room stays in the room. It was the complete opposite of Hollywood, where one person’s business becomes everyone’s business in a flash.
“Not really, unless you know a good way to get an asshole to stop being an asshole and start acting like he isn’t a one-man show,” Jamie said.
That was a lot more of an answer than I’d been expecting.
We were on our street. Jamie hit the button on his garage remote and waited for the door to open. I took a moment to think about how best to respond. Once we were in the kitchen and Blackbeard was climbing Jamie’s suit, I said, “You know, you could try to think of him like you do Razor.”
“Koz and Razor aren’t even in the same ballpark of assholishness.”
That was debatable, but I chose not to argue the point. “I’m just saying that they both have some issues when it comes to how they come across to other people, and maybe you could draw from your arsenal for dealing with Razor in order to tackle Koz.”
Jamie took out a spoon to transfer a can of Blackbeard’s food to a dish. “That’s what Levi’s supposed to be doing. They wanted me to be a good influence on Razor. I knew that. I tried. Not sure how much it helped, but maybe some. Levi’s supposed to be the good influence on Koz, but I think it’s having the opposite effect.”
Blackbeard didn’t waste any time getting onto the counter to snarf down his meal.
“So Levi’s turning into an asshole?” I quipped. “Should we let Mama Babcock know so she can have a word with him before it’s permanent?” I found a mixing bowl in the cabinet and filled it with ice water, shoving it in Jamie’s direction.
He raised a brow.
“Ice your hand. You know the drill.”
Jamie scowled, but he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeve before dipping his hand in the water. “Levi’s not turning into an asshole. He’s just…”
“He’s just not you and he’s making different decisions than you would, and you don’t know how to feel about it because you feel responsible as his older brother and as the team captain and as simply being Jamie Babcock. That’s just how you are, Jamie. But sometimes, people need to make their own mistakes.” I knew that better than anyone.
“Are you better off for the mistakes you made?”
That stung, and he had known it would before he ever let the words out of his mouth. “Maybe not better off, but at least now I know what I want. Levi is still Levi. He’s still your brother. And I bet he’s having more of a positive effect on Koz than you think he is. For that matter, maybe the influence Koz is having on Levi isn’t all bad.”
“You don’t think so?”
“Has Razor’s influence on you been all bad? Nothing good has come from that friendship on his end?”
“I never said that. But Levi and Koz—”
“Levi and Koz aren’t you and Razor. I know.” I picked up Blackbeard’s dish, since he’d finished eating, and washed it in the sink. “But even you have to admit there are an awful lot of similarities.”
“Fine. There are similarities. Tiny, infinitesimal similarities. So now what do I do with them? How do I use that to get Koz to act like a decent human being sometimes or, at the very least, play like he wants to be part of a team instead of a solo act?”
I set the dish on a towel to air dry and wiped my hands on my pants. “I don’t know. That’s the part that you’ve got to figure out. My part was helping you see the direction you should head in.”
I turned around to face him, and he flicked his ice-cold, wet fingers in my direction, flinging drops of water in my face. I squealed and ran. Jamie chased me. I didn’t run fast, though. Tonight, I wanted to be caught, and I got my wish. When he put his arms around me, I melted into him, all the fight draining out of me at his slightest touch.
“Come to bed with me?” he said, his mouth by my ear, laughter mixing with the heat of his words.
I laughed, too. “Yes,” I said. There was nowhere else I would rather be.
Webs held me up when the boys were leaving the ice after practice, jerking his head toward the other end of the ice. Bergy was waiting for us.
I didn’t want to be here right now. I wanted to go home and see Katie, to spend the allowable two hours with her before we had to get on a plane and fly across the country. But I was here. And she would probably try to kick me out if I was there, anyway.
“How’s the hand?” Bergy asked when we got over to him.
I shrugged. “Hurts. I can deal with it. I’ve played with worse.”
Bergy nodded. “I’m thinking about benching Koz tomorrow. Having him watch a game or two from upstairs. You have any thoughts on that?”
I had at least a few dozen thoughts on that, and most of them would fall somewhere in the range of Absolutely, yes, sit his fucking ass down because he’s
hurting us more than he’s helping us, but Katie’s arguments from last night kept ringing in my head. I still didn’t know how to treat Koz as if he were Razor, but I wanted a chance to figure out a way to get through to the guy on my terms. If the rest of the team and I could get through his thick skull, it would probably have a hell of a lot more lasting impact than watching a game from the press box.
So I nodded. “It might not hurt him to sit, but I’m not sure it would help, either. Give me this road trip to figure something out. I’ll talk to Burnzie and Danger, maybe Wheels. We’ll come up with something.”
“All right. It’s your team, so if that’s what you want, I’m willing to wait.” He drew the cord with his whistle up over his head and shoved it in the pocket of his tracksuit. “We can’t wait forever, though, Babs. We have to get everyone heading in the same direction, and right now Koz is a big part of the problem preventing that from happening.”
I nodded my agreement, and Bergy skated off to meet with the team doctors and get a status update on Q for the road trip. Webs didn’t go with him, though, so I stayed, too.
“Laura should have Katie back at her house by now,” he said. “I thought I’d stop by there on my way home to pack. And I’ll make sure Laura comes with me when I leave, so if you wanted some time with her…”
“Yeah. I do, thanks.” I’d held her all night long, not getting anywhere near enough sleep because I’d kept making love to her. Every time I’d thought I could stop, that I could keep my hands off her and let her rest, I’d proven myself wrong. She’d been just as needy as I had. We both knew that it was going to be a long time before we could really have a night together like that again, and I supposed we were trying to fit everything in up front. It was probably going to backfire on me, though, because all I wanted to do was hold her again.
And I couldn’t.
I couldn’t even go near her. The doctors said we were supposed to stay six feet away from her. No touching. Definitely no kissing. It was going to be absolute torture to go over to her house this afternoon and force myself to keep my distance, but I couldn’t leave without at least seeing her again first.
“I’ve gotta be honest with you, Babs,” Webs said, and my gut clenched in anticipation of whatever it was he intended to say. “I almost went to Jim to see if I could stay behind on this trip, or at least for a few days. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I really don’t have a fucking clue how you’re going to do it.”
“Me, either.” I let out a snort. “At least I’m not the only one who thought about trying to stay behind.”
He kicked up a grin. “I’d want to bash your face in if you hadn’t at least thought about it.”
“I’m still not convinced that going with the team is the right thing even though I have a job to do and I know it.”
“You’re going to make a hell of a son-in-law someday, you know that?” Webs slapped a hand on my shoulder, which didn’t even come close to erasing the jolt of his words. “I know, I’m way ahead of you. It’s all right. But you know, Laura and I were already married and starting our family by the time we were yours and Katie’s ages. Anyway, I’d better get out of here so I can see Katie for a bit and drag Laura out of there.”
He skated off, leaving me to pick my jaw up off the ice. I’d realized that Webs had turned over a new leaf as far as I was concerned, but I still expected him to come after me with a pitchfork all the time. Now he was dropping less-than-subtle hints about marriage. I didn’t know how to take this change, but I supposed I should be thankful he wasn’t trying to stuff my balls down my throat after chopping them off with a dull skate blade.
When I got to Katie’s house after lunch with the guys to give her parents some time with her, Laura was alone in the living room, and Webs and Katie were nowhere to be seen. She let me in and then sat on the couch, anxiously tapping her feet against the hardwood floor.
“The nausea’s already started,” she said. “Dave’s trying to help her get comfortable enough that she can take something to calm her stomach. I’ve already been near her longer than I should have been.”
I didn’t have a clue what to say, so I just sat across from her and nodded.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to see your little girl so sick and not even be able to hold her?”
“Pretty sure I’m about to get a sense of it,” I replied.
She gave me a tired, sad smile. And to think, this was just the beginning of it. We had a long way to go from here.
A few minutes later, Webs came down the hall to join us. He stripped off a pair of latex gloves and tossed them in one of two garbage cans. I looked closer and saw that this one was labeled as radioactive. He washed his hands twice and used a paper towel to dry them, once again pressing the foot lever to open the same can.
Laura got up and looked at a schedule that was attached to the fridge with a couple of magnets. “Julianne d’Aragon’s coming over before you’ll need to leave,” she said when she turned around again.
“Remember not to get too close,” Webs added. “Not unless you have to. And wear gloves if you do touch her or something she’s touched, or if you have to clean anything up. Use the other bathroom. And get her to drink. She needs a lot of fluids to flush all this shit out of her system.”
“Ginger ale might be best today because of the nausea,” Laura added.
I let them know that I understood, and eventually Webs got Laura out the door. Then I went down the hall and knocked on Katie’s partially open door.
“You shouldn’t come any closer,” she said, her voice muffled by the pillow she had her head buried in.
I ignored that and moved to sit in the armchair by the window. She turned her head to look at me. Her skin was already a pasty-white color and clammy, and her hair was sticking to her scalp in places.
“I look like shit,” she said, tearing up.
“You look like you feel like shit,” I corrected her.
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Tough. You’re going to have to deal with the fact that I love you, and that means I love every part of you. Even the cranky, feeling-like-shit, trying-to-send-me-away part.”
Katie rolled over to her back, tucking her arms over her chest. “Dad said you’d thought about trying to stay behind.”
“Yeah. I have. I’m still not convinced I should go.”
“You can’t sort out the mess with Koz if you’re here trying to keep my puke bucket clean.” She indicated a paint bucket on the floor by the bed with her eyes. I supposed that was why Webs had been wearing gloves when he’d come out.
I laughed, which caused her to send a glare in my direction. I pointed at her bucket. “I don’t know,” I said. “Sending him in here to deal with that might improve his attitude by a mile.”
I could tell she was fighting it, but a small smile finally forced its way through to the surface. “You’re ridiculous. Do you know that?”
Yeah, I knew it. I would be as silly and outrageous as I had to be if it meant keeping her spirits up, and the truth of how next-to-impossible a task it might prove to be was sinking in.
“Drink some ginger ale,” I said, pointing to the disposable bottle on her nightstand.
She drank, all the while giving me a pathetic pout that could rival a toddler’s.
Instead of playing cards with some of the guys like I often did, I spent my time on the flight to Philly having a meeting with my leadership team. I brought Burnzie, Danger, Wheels, Jonny, Nicky, and Q together at the back of the plane so we could hash out a plan for moving forward with the Koz issue, as well as for bringing everyone together. There was no better time for some serious team bonding than on a road trip because we were going to be forced to spend time together whether we wanted to or not. I just didn’t have a sound idea for how to do it.
Katie had proven to me that two heads were better than one when she’d pointed out the similarities between me and Razor, and Levi and Koz, so I figured
bringing in more guys than just my assistant captains could only improve our odds of finding a solution. Jonny and Nicky had spent their entire careers in Portland, and Wheels and Q had both been around the league a long time. The more experience I could pull together, the better. I wasn’t too proud to admit I needed help.
“So here’s the deal,” I said once I had everyone together. “We’re more than a full month into the season, and we can’t keep our heads out of our asses long enough to blink, let alone play like we have a shot at the playoffs. Bergy’s ready to start benching guys, but I got him to give me a shot at pulling everyone together first. As much as we might enjoy having someone like Koz getting splinters in his ass, that won’t help us as much in the long run as having him on the ice and scoring goals. At least it won’t as long as we can convince him to play within the system. We need to figure out how to do that, though, and nothing so far has worked. Punishing him for fucking up is having the opposite effect from what we wanted.”
The guys nodded and grunted their agreement.
“I think we all know what the fucking problem is, Babs,” Burnzie said. “Too many guys out there thinking they’re fucking perfect. Not enough guys pulling their weight. How the hell do we fix it?”
I grinned, since he’d given me exactly the opening I needed. The thing was, Burnzie and Razor had a lot in common. Burnzie would fall on the other end of the spectrum from Koz, with Razor landing somewhere in between the two of them. “You’re a good example, Burnzie. You’re a cocky son of a bitch, right? How do you respond when someone tells you you’re doing something wrong?”
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