by Julie Frayn
“Can we put on another station?”
Ariel covered the buttons with her hand. “No, please? Daddy never lets me listen to my music. He’s always got that country crap on.”
Mazie grinned. “Fair enough. No country crap. But maybe when the radio cuts out, we could put in the Beatles or Bon Jovi or something I know the words to.”
“You’re going to sing?”
“Yes.” Mazie nodded. “Yes I am.”
As they approached the city limits, a siren whooped behind them. Mazie glanced in the rear-view to find a police cruiser, lights flashing.
“No, no, no.”
“Are you speeding?” Ariel twisted in her seat and watched out the back window.
“Nope.” She signalled right, pulled onto the shoulder, and slowed to a stop. She watched the officer approach in the side mirror. She gripped the steering wheel, huffed a few breaths like she was in labour. Not that those idiotic breathing exercises actually worked.
She could floor it just as he got to her. Get a head start. She looked the rear-view, at the new black and white Interceptor, another cop in the driver’s seat. She wouldn’t even get half a kilometre.
He tapped on her window. She jumped, depressed the window button and waited for it to slide down. “Hi, officer. What’s the problem?”
He flashed a bright smile at her. “No problem, ma’am. Just wanted to say thanks for the coffee and Timbits.” He tipped his hat. “Where you all headed?”
“Just a summer road trip.” Mazie’s voice cracked.
“We’re going to visit my grandma.” Ariel beamed at the handsome officer.
“Here, young lady.” He pulled a Tim Horton’s gift card out of his breast pocket and reached into the van.
His arm was inches from Mazie’s face, his shoulder brushed her hair. The smell of his cologne and sweat brought coffee and Timbits rolling up her throat. She swallowed hard. Could he hear her heart beating?
He handed the card to Ariel. “Wherever you’re headed, lunch is on me and my partner.” He tipped his hat again. “Drive safe, now.”
“We will, thank you.” Mazie watched him in the side view mirror until he disappeared behind the van and the patrol car pulled out and did a U-turn on the highway. She let out the breath she’d been holding and blinked a long blink. “All right then. Let’s get on the road.”
~~~~~~~~
The thrum of tires on blacktop, Matchbox Twenty at low volume, the utter boredom of the flat prairie horizon. The perfect storm for falling asleep at the wheel. Mazie’s head jerked. She blinked and tried to focus on the horizon, to ignore the white lines painted on the highway zinging past her peripheral vision. She pinched her thigh, cranked the air conditioning, and pointed the air vents at her face. Regina’s meagre skyline loomed ahead.
“Bug, we’re here.”
Ariel stretched and rubbed one fist against her eye. “Grandma’s?” During her waking moments, the ‘tween persona dissolved into the innocence and wonder of a sweet little girl. If only time could freeze and keep her there. Keep her from maturing and noticing boys. Boys who turn into men. Men who turn into monsters.
“Not yet. We’re at a hotel in Regina. I’m done driving for the day. Maybe we can order in some pizza and watch a movie?”
Ariel straightened and glanced around, her hair stuck to one sweaty cheek. “Okay. I’m starved.”
Hours later, sated by cheese and dough, they settled into their shared queen-size bed. Mazie clicked off the light and pointed the remote at the television, her thumb on the off button.
“Can we leave it on?” Ariel lay beside her, the covers at her chin.
“Won’t it keep you awake?” Mazie stroked her daughter’s hair.
“I just want a little light and sound. This room creeps me out.”
“All right.” Mazie turned the volume down low and set the sleep timer for one hour. She punched her pillow and slid down under the covers.
Ariel inched over until their arms touched.
Mazie smiled. She slipped her arm under her daughter’s shoulder and hugged her against her body, placed a gentle kiss against the thick hair on the top of her head. “Night, bug.”
Mazie closed her eyes against the television’s glow and tried to empty her thoughts, to steady her breath. Lost in the fog between asleep and awake, Cullen’s hands tightened around her throat. She fought for air and gasped. The television flickered. The clock glared at her. They’d only been in bed for fifteen minutes.
Each time sleep beckoned, a leg spasmed, or her own snorts shook her awake. And guilt crushed her chest. She hadn’t unloaded the dishwasher. Hadn’t cleaned the bedroom or scrubbed the carpet.
Cullen would be furious.
Laughter bubbled to the surface. She’d gone through the daily motions like an obsessive compulsive zombie, dragging her dead limbs behind her, mindless and rote, scrubbing and washing and cooking and trying to avoid the inevitable punishment when nothing she did was good enough.
It was his turn to be the zombie in this relationship. His absence from the feeling world was permanent. Why was it taking so long for that to seep into her subconscious? And when it did, why was it so damn funny?
~~~~~~~~
A hundred kilometres into day two and Ariel was already moaning about how bored she was. “It’s just flat and grass and kilometres of nothing. There aren’t even mountains.”
“We’re in the heart of the prairie. Haven’t you learned Canadian geography in school?”
“Yeah. But it’s even more boring in real life.”
“I think it has a quiet beauty about it. The way the wind makes the fields of wheat wave and undulate. Like a golden ocean that you can never drown in. And the endless horizon, the sky to infinity. Look how blue that is.”
Ariel leaned forward and craned her neck to look up. “I suppose.” She fiddled with the radio dials and grimaced when she was rewarded with nothing but static.
“When we stop for lunch, you can buy a book or some magazines.”
“When’s that?”
“A couple of hours.”
“Two hours? I’ll die of boredom by then.”
Two rest stops and one lunch break later, they pulled into Winnipeg late in the afternoon. “We could stop here,” Mazie said. “Or just gas up and keep on going. Get to Grandma’s a day early.”
“Yes, keep going. Can I get some chips and Coke?”
“That would ruin your dinner. Your fath…” Mazie clamped her lips shut and glanced at Ariel. “Sure. Why not?”
Just past Kenora, Mazie’s chin dipped to her chest. Her head snapped up to find the van drifting to the left. She jerked the steering wheel to correct. Her body jerked along with it, and Ariel’s sleeping head banged against the door where it rested.
“What was that?” She sat up.
“Sorry. Maybe it’s time to pull over for the night. I’m getting tired.”
“Mom, look out!”
At the apex of a curve fifty yards ahead, two deer strolled across the highway. Mazie pumped her brakes and honked her horn. The deer stopped in the middle of her lane. Their eyes gleamed golden fire, lit by the setting sun. Mazie pulled to the right onto the shallow shoulder and skidded to a halt not two feet from the smallest deer.
Adrenaline accelerated her heart and turned her legs to pudding. She rested her head on her knuckles that had a death-grip on the steering wheel. “Fuck,” she whispered.
“Shit, Mom. You nearly hit them.”
Mazie smiled at her daughter’s profanity.
Ariel bounced in her seat. “You almost killed them.”
“Or they almost killed us.”
“They’re so pretty. I wish we had a camera.”
Venison on hooves. That’s what Cullen always called them. Damn it, why wouldn’t he get out of her head?
The deer were frozen in place, like so many plastic lawn ornaments dotting the highway. One ear twitched on the largest, an apparent signal to the rest. They reanimated, cantered
across the asphalt and disappeared down the embankment. A semi came at them from the other direction and honked the air horn. Mazie jumped. “Holy hell.”
“Where should we stop?” Ariel’s gaze darted side to side, scanning the edges of the highway.
“Well, I’m awake now.” Mazie’s heartbeat pounded in her ears, and her hands trembled on the wheel. She checked her mirrors and pulled back onto the highway. “You keep watch for wildlife and we’ll go for another hour. We can make Dryden tonight.”
“Can we find another Pizza Hut?”
“Oh, sweetheart. I can’t do pizza again. Let’s see if there’s a steakhouse.”
Saliva filled Mazie’s mouth. A glass of wine and a giant steak was just what she needed. Maybe between the food and the alcohol, she could get a decent night’s sleep.
~~~~~~~~
Mazie lay in bed and stared at her reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall. A deluge of thoughts flooded her brain. Visions of the future were streaked and marred by the failures of yesterday. When she allowed her mind to find a happy tomorrow, the sight of Cullen’s body, sliced and diced and left to rot in the torture chamber of her past, intruded on a perfectly good fantasy.
Even in death, he still ruined everything.
She pressed her palm against the lump in her gut. Only two bites into her steak the night before and she’d pushed the plate away. The juice and blood that oozed from the T-bone brought visions of crimson stains on her best bed sheets. She’d set aside her red wine and asked for a vodka tonic instead. Nothing but beige food for a while. And beige drinks. Beige, beige, beige.
She glanced at the clock radio. Eight forty-two. They should have been on the road an hour ago.
The sun streamed in through the dusty drapes and laid a sliver of bright heat across the bedspread. Ariel squirmed beside her. Mazie stroked her hair and leaned over to kiss the top of her head. A good night’s sleep had eluded Mazie again. Between the highway noise and the urine-meets-sweat-sock smell in the room, there was no comfort at the Comfort Inn. The few times she did find enough peace to nod off, she jolted awake, her body atremble, her mind filled with murder.
Where were they? She reached for the nightstand and grabbed a notepad. A pen skittered off the edge of the table and dropped onto the carpet.
She eyed the hotel address on the paper. Dryden. Right.
She slipped out of bed and took a quick shower, pulled her hair into a ponytail and daubed foundation onto the yellow-and-green bruises on her face.
She ripped open a pack of coffee and poked the encapsulated filter into the machine, poured water into the reservoir, dropped the cup under the spout, and gave the start button a hard poke.
A stream of caffeinated elixir poured into the cup. Even shitty hotel coffee was better than no coffee at all. She breathed the aroma deep into her nostrils and closed her eyes.
Before he’d ever said a word, she could smell his arrival — an intoxicating mix of cheap cologne and post-coital sweat. His arms circled her from behind, slipped around her waist, tugged the sash of her robe free and brushed against the soft skin of her naked belly. He buried his nose in the fine hair at the base of her neck.
“Good morning. I smell coffee.”
Her breath caught in her throat and she laid the back of her head against his shoulder. His right hand wandered down the front of her body until he found her sweet spot. He slid his fingers inside, one stroke for every pounding heartbeat, licked and bit at her neck and ear lobe.
Her palms against the counter’s edge, she pushed against him, his erection prodding her through her robe. She climaxed and called out, her legs jelly. He slid her to the floor and made love to her on the tile. They came together at the exact moment the coffee machine announced it was finished.
“Mom, coffee’s ready.”
Mazie opened her eyes and stared at the crappy one-cup brewer on the mini-fridge.
Ariel yawned. “Can we have pancakes?”
“Sure.” Mazie wrapped her arms around Ariel, gave her a long hug and kissed her temple. “Go get dressed and brush your teeth.”
Mazie packed their belongings and grabbed her phone from the dresser. Before she could slip it into the front pocket of her purse, it vibrated in her hand and sent a shrill chime through the room.
She stared at the glowing screen like it was a can of fake nuts and coiled up snakes were about to jump out at her.
How the hell? Only Cullen had that number. And Ariel.
“Is that Daddy?”
“No, bug. Not Daddy.”
The ringing stopped. Ariel took it from Mazie’s hand and pressed a couple of buttons. A broad smile overtook her face. “It was Polly!”
Polly. Of course.
“Can I call her back?”
“Not now. We have to get on the road. Maybe later.”
Ariel sighed. “All right.”
A few kilometres down the road, the bright neon sign of a diner caught Mazie’s eye. She angle-parked the van between two pickup trucks, both caked with muck. A bell above the door announced their presence. They found an empty booth near the back with a window view of the parking lot and the highway. Mazie sat facing the door, Ariel across from her.
Two menus, laminated and sticky to the touch, were stacked behind a chrome rack which held bottles of sugar and ketchup and vinegar. Mazie scanned the list of basic diner fare.
“Look, bug.” She pointed at Ariel’s menu. “French toast.”
“Nah, I want pancakes.”
A fat waitress in a pink polyester tunic stained with all manner of sauces and grease sidled up to the table and pulled a pencil from behind her ear. Norma, her faded and food-crusted nametag proclaimed.
“Mornin’, ladies. What can I get you?”
Ariel looked at Mazie.
“Go ahead, you can order your own.”
“Really? Daddy never lets me.”
“Well, Daddy isn’t here. Let’s make a pact to break as many rules as we can.”
Ariel pursed her lips and nodded. She held up her hand, pinkie extended. Mazie locked pinkies with her. They pumped their hands once.
The waitress smirked. “So what’ll it be, young lady?”
“Pancakes please. And sausage. And orange juice.”
“And for you, Momma?”
“I’ll have the same. Except coffee, please. Do you have real cream?”
“Yes, ma’am, none of that petroleum product crap in this joint.” She flipped a coffee cup over and reached past the shoulder of a man sitting at the counter. “’Scuse me, love.” She grabbed a coffee pot, spun around in the narrow aisle and filled the mug. She pulled three creamers from her pocket. “That enough?”
“For one cup.” Mazie smiled. “I’ll need a refill soon. The hotel coffee was awful.”
“Say no more. I think I know the place.” Norma winked. She turned her head. “Two stacks, zeppelins on the side,” she yelled toward a man with an apron and a dirty white linen cap. He raised a spatula. “Two stacks, zeppelins on the side,” he called.
Ariel giggled. “What did we order?”
“I have no idea.” At least the coffee was good.
Norma delivered their breakfast in less than five minutes, along with real maple syrup and whipped butter. They ate every bite, even groaned once or twice, the pancakes were that good. Mazie drank three cups of coffee and Ariel got a refill on her juice.
Norma stopped at the table again. “Can I get you anything else?”
“No thanks. It was delicious.”
“I’ll pass it on to the chef.” She slid a bill onto the table. “You all drive safe.”
“Thank you.” Mazie flipped the bill over. Nine seventy-five. She dropped a ten dollar bill on the table, and tossed a toonie on top. The bell over the door chimed.
Two officers entered the diner, their short-sleeved black shirts covered by the ever-present bullet-proof vest, a crest emblazoned with “OPP” on each sleeve. One slid onto a stool and tipped his hat to Norma, th
en set it on the counter at his elbow.
Norma filled two coffee cups and kibitzed with the man. The partner stood and glanced around the diner.
Mazie froze. She pressed against the window and slouched in her seat, picked up the empty coffee cup and shielded her face with it. Was he staring at her? She peeked over the rim of the cup. The second officer was already seated and drinking his coffee. She closed her eyes and shook her head, huffing air out of her nose.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Even if they had found his body, why would two cops out in the backwoods of Ontario know or care?
Ariel twisted around in her seat. “Mom, are those Mounties?”
“No. Ontario Provincial Police.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Different uniforms?” She put the cup down and squeezed Ariel’s hand. “Mounties are federal. OPP are provincial, just in Ontario. Now let’s get out of here. We’ve got a lot of driving to do.”
She slid her butt along the worn vinyl seat of the booth and took Ariel’s hand. She straightened her spine, lifted her chin, and set her shoulders back. She walked past the officers, guiding Ariel ahead of her through the narrow passage.
One of the officers looked directly at her. He nodded and smiled.
“Good morning, officer.” Despite her attempt at confidence, her voice cracked. At the van, she aimed for the unlock button on the key fob. Her quaking fingers missed the button, the fob and her keys tumbled to the gravel at her feet. “Shit.” She stooped and retrieved them, opened the door and scrambled in. She put the van in gear and shoulder-checked behind her before easing out of the parking lot, her mind fully on her breath.
“Mom, your face is all red. You okay?”
“Just anxious to get on the road.”
~~~~~~~~
Mazie cranked up the air conditioning. The sun beat on her left arm and burned her cleavage.
“Squeeze out a bit of sunscreen onto my fingers.” She held her right hand out, palm up.
Ariel pulled a plastic tube from the glove box. “Say when.”
“When.” Mazie rubbed the greasy lotion onto her chest and down her arm.
The sun filtered through the tops of fir and pine that lined the highway. The mountainside was dotted with waterfalls, each one drawing an oooh, or an aaaah out of Ariel. In long stretches where the mountains broke, lakes caught the sun’s rays and bounced light into their eyes, the glassy surface broken only by the mild wind and the occasional floating loon.