by J. L. Drake
I took a moment to calm my emotions. I loved talking with my mother. She always knew just what to say. I wondered if this was what Emily had had with her father. “It would be so sad if you gave up someone who loves you.”
“I know,” I muttered into my glass. “I’m trying to fight through these feelings. I feel her slip away from me, but I don’t know how to stop it.”
“You need to talk to her, Seth,” Mom said gently. “Women need to know where we stand, or we feel lost and unloved.” She glanced back at Jack. “Trust me, dear, it’s lonely when no one lets you in.”
***
Emily
I grinned as Maddy linked arms with me again. “I always wanted a sister.” She laughed. Maddy had just showed me all her show trophies and her sweet little chestnut pony, Binny.
“You know, Maddy, I didn’t have any siblings when I grew up, and it was pretty lonely. I’d be happy with brothers any day of the week.”
She shrugged. “Seth’s great, but Nicky can be a jerk a lot of the time. Mom has a huge soft spot for Seth, I guess ’cause he was born first.”
I would have guessed Seth was the oldest, after I got a taste of Nicholas at the table. The little brother vibe poured off of him.
She smirked. “He’s a mama’s boy, you know.”
I laughed. “That’s sweet. I like that.” It was fun to watch her face when she talked about Seth. I could see the love she had for him.
“I guess. He used to wear his Batman pajamas all the time.”
This made me grin wide.
“No, Emily, I mean all the time—shopping malls, movies, school, and we’re talking cape and all. Nicky loves to tell the story, of course.”
I exploded in laughter. “Please tell me there are pictures somewhere?”
“Oh, yes, there are lots!”
We were in a fit of laughter when we reached the patio; it took a moment to regain ourselves. Seth looked at us with a raised eyebrow, wondering what was so funny. I just shook my head. “She’s funny.”
“Emily, honey.” Martha’s voice rang out beautifully over the chatter. “Come on over here and sit next to me.” I slipped my shoes back on and moved toward her. “Do you and Seth have any plans for Thanksgiving?”
“I’m not sure.” I looked up at Seth. I usually cooked and had Pete and Patty over. Sometimes Erin and her mother would join us too.
“Will your mother be in town?” she asked kindly.
“Generally, she’s not. She normally comes home in January for a week and then heads back to Africa for the rest of the year.”
“You’re home by yourself over the holidays?” Maddy asked, and gave me a sad look.
I felt a little uneasy. I didn’t want pity. I was fine with my situation. Clearly they hadn’t met my mother. “It’s really fine, it’s nothing new to me.”
“Well, you’re not spending it alone anymore, my dear.” Martha gave Seth a scowl. “Please say you’ll join us for Thanksgiving.”
“That sounds lovely. Thank you.” I avoided a look at Seth in case he didn’t want me to come. I knew it would crush me if that were the case. Besides, it was still a few weeks away. I could always cancel if I had to.
“Wonderful!” Martha was excited. I found myself happy, but Jack didn’t seem to care one way or another if I came. I really liked Seth’s family, except maybe his dad. His father didn’t deserve his love. Anyone who would charge at his son and punch him in the face was not all right in my books.
Martha and I had a lovely conversation about the history of their house. It had been built in the 1920s and had remained in their family ever since. Martha moved in after her grandfather passed away in order to help her grandmother, and even long after her grandmother died, she refused to move. Jack protested that they could build something new somewhere else, but she had stood her ground and stated that this was where she belonged. I loved to hear the firmness in her voice when she told that story because, quite frankly, Jack seemed a little scary.
I caught Seth’s face as he watched me from the other side of the fire pit. His head rested on one hand. A glass of scotch dangled from the other hand. His third glass, I thought. Not typical of the Seth I knew. His father and brother must have really made him uneasy. What I wouldn’t have done just then to sneak a peek inside his head. His eyes shifted from mine to Gretchen’s as she brought out some French coffee. It tasted divine, a mix of chocolate and vanilla with a dash of cinnamon.
Jack wasn’t outside anymore. “Gretchen.” I turned toward her. I saw Seth glance back over at me.
She stopped. “Yes, Ms. McPhee?”
“Please call me Emily. I just wanted to say that your pumpkin soup was delicious.” I stood up and moved closer to her. “Your mother’s talent clearly passed down to you.”
She paused, then took a moment to gather herself. “That’s very kind of you to say. Thank you, Emily.” Her eyes moved over to the French doors, to check for Jack, I guessed. “I hope I can make it for you again sometime.” Her voice was a little lower.
“I hope so too.” I smiled and went back to my seat.
Martha had a funny look on her face. She moved her stare to Seth. I hoped I hadn’t crossed a line. Maybe they didn’t talk to their help. Martha turned her attention to me. “I wasn’t aware you had met Gretchen.”
My stomach knotted. “Yes, when I arrived I introduced myself, and we spoke about tonight’s dinner. The soup was her mother’s recipe.” I paused and hoped I wouldn’t get her in trouble, “I-I just wanted to let her know I enjoyed it.” I looked at Seth, and he gave me a one-sided grin. One that hit right in the center of my stomach. “I hope that was all right.”
Martha reached over and touched my hand. “Seth, you weren’t exaggerating about her. She really is a sweetheart.”
The knot eased away, and my stomach warmed at her comment.
“It was nice of you to take the time to speak with Gretchen. She’s been working with us since Seth was six. She’s part of our family.” She cocked her head to one side, like Seth often did. “I can see why my son is so taken with you.”
I felt my face heat, so I glanced down at the table.
“Mother,” Seth said softly.
She leaned back in her chair. “Seth, would you mind getting me another drink, please?”
He took her glass and disappeared into the kitchen. I watched him speak with Gretchen. He seemed to be his old self with her. I smiled as he laughed. Then I realized Martha was watching me and blushed at being caught.
“He has a great heart. Emily, he’s very fond of you.”
“I am of him. He’s good to me.”
“Very protective too. I see the way he watches you, and I’m sure it’s not just because of your current situation,” she said quietly. I glanced automatically in Seth’s direction. I realized I might rely on him too much for help.
Martha reached for my hand. “If you ever need anything, don’t ever hesitate to call or stop by. My door is always open.” My heart warmed to her. She was like another Shawna for me, and someone to whom I could truly open up about what was going on.
I leaned over and gave her a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered. “For so much.”
She hugged me back and held me tightly.
“Everything all right?” Seth asked as he came up and wrapped his coat around my bare shoulders. He was always such a gentleman. He sat down beside me.
Martha took a deep breath. “Girl chat. None of your business, dear.” She kissed his head. “I’m going to check on Jack and Nicholas.” She headed inside.
The fire flickered and popped along a log. The steady heat felt nice against my chilled legs. I looked out at the stables and enjoyed the quiet moment.
“You seem to be fitting right in.” Seth raised an eyebrow, but I saw the corners of his mouth turn up as he swirled the ice around in his crystal glass.
I leaned back and pulled his coat around me. I felt more chilled all of a sudden. “Is that all right?”
“Yes,
I’m still letting it sink in that you’re here.”
I felt bad, but how could I have known his family had this much drama going on? “I’m sorry, Seth, it’s just that when Nicholas invited me to come…”
Seth laughed darkly. “Nicholas.” He paused as he rubbed his chin. “He’s always been a pain in my ass.”
“I think he meant well, Seth.”
He set his drink down and leaned toward me. “He’s trouble, just remember that.”
“You mean because he does your dad’s dirty work?” The words ran out of my mouth before I could stop them. His eyes flinched in a painful gesture. Then he looked over at the kitchen.
“Maddy,” he whispered. “She needs to keep her mouth shut too.”
“Actually, it’s the first time I feel as though I know something about you. Besides, the girl adores you. She’s desperate to spend time with you.” I paused. “Well, we both are,” I said quietly.
He looked down at the ground. “Baby, I’m sorry.”
I crossed my legs into him and took his hands in mine. “Seth, I don’t know what’s going on with you. But please don’t push me away again. You told me you knew you wanted to be with me since the first time you met me. Well…” I paused and took a huge leap of faith that I wouldn’t get hurt. “Black polo, green shorts, and a New England baseball hat.”
His head cocked to the side. “You remember?”
“Yes, I hate New England.” I attempted to make light of the situation. I was nervous about what he might say next.
He closed his eyes. “Emily, you know how much I care for you.”
“Then why do you push me away?” I felt the tears threaten.
“After the cabin, when I thought I lost you…” He swallowed. “Something inside of me changed. I just need to work it out. I need some time.”
“Some space?” I asked, though I didn’t want to give him any.
“No…yes. I don’t know.” He rubbed his head. “I can’t explain it.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t do this right now.” He pointed to me and then to himself.
“Okay, so you’re telling me you care for me, but we can’t be together.” I tried to control the fist that had a death grip on my heart.
“Yes,” he whispered.
I wiped my cheek and gave a small nod. “So what now?” I asked while I fought the urge to sob like a baby.
His eyes were watery. “I don’t know.” A long, painful moment passed as we both sat in silence, neither one of us sure what to say. My mind repeated our conversation over and over. I tried to understand him, but I just couldn’t.
“I spent too many years trying to get my mother to love me.” I paused to find my voice that was hidden behind my broken heart. “I won’t chase shadows, Seth. It’s nothing but cold, empty darkness.”
He hung his head, then suddenly downed the rest of his scotch, not even flinching at the taste.
“I think I’ll go home now.” The words barely slipped past my lips as I stood up. I saw Maddy laughing with her mother in the kitchen. Only a few moments ago I had felt so loved. Now I felt like I could burst into a million pieces. I pulled out my phone and started to dial the number for a cab. Surprisingly, Seth let me. Ouch.
I handed him back his jacket as I muttered the address to the dispatcher. He didn’t reach for it, so I laid it over his lap and made my way inside.
“Thank you for such a lovely evening, Martha.” I tried to sound cheery.
It took only one glance at my face and her smile faded. She wrapped her arms around me. “I’ll see you soon, honey.” She pulled away and wiped my damp cheek with a knuckle. “Give him time. Hang in there,” she whispered. I nodded and tried to flash a smile.
Maddy held onto my arm. “Please come back soon, Emily. I really want to see you again. You don’t have to come with Seth.”
I smiled. “Of course I will. Besides, we have a riding date to set.” I reached over and jotted my cell phone number down on a blue notepad. “Call me.”
Jack met me by the door. We had our formal goodbyes. His intense gaze made me shift uneasily.
I started down the stairs, only to hear Nicholas call out my name. He met me at the bottom.
“Thanks for coming,” he said, but his face dropped when he saw my expression. He moved a little closer. “Are you all right?” The pad of his thumb swiped my cheek free of a tumbling tear. I closed my eyes and turned away from his touch. I knew he was just being nice, but the touch seemed too raw.
I nodded and watched the taxi pull up to the curb. “Thank you for inviting me. You have a lovely family, Nicholas.”
He knew better than to pry right then.
“So, I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.” He grinned playfully. “Remember, it’s my job to find people, so if you don’t show up…” I smiled a little. I’d bet he would find me too.
He tilted his head toward the cab and escorted me to the end of the walkway. I could tell he was in debate with himself to say something. Finally he raked a hand through his hair with a sigh.
“Look, Em.” He turned to face me. “I’m sorry if I got you in trouble with Seth, but it really means a lot to all of us that you came. With Dad and me up north, and Seth being so distant with the family, my mom worries about him. I’m just giving Mom some peace of mind that he’s in good hands.”
I looked up at him. I heard the warmth in his voice when he spoke of his mother. Maybe Seth didn’t fully know his brother.
“That’s actually quite sweet, Nicholas.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll deny any of it if you mention it to Seth,” he joked. “Take care, Emily, see you soon.”
“Goodnight.” I turned to open the car door, but a hand beat me to it. Seth came up next to me. Where had he come from? I sat down, only to find him move in next to me.
“You’re coming?” I asked, confused.
He spat out the address to the cabby as he wrapped his coat around me. “I took a cab here. Besides, I had four drinks.” Oh. “Please turn the heat up,” he asked the cabby, who complied with a nod.
I welcomed the heat of his jacket. I was quite cold. “You don’t normally drink hard liquor,” I whispered, more to myself than to him.
I felt his shoulders move. “Only when they are in town.”
After ten minutes of silence with us both staring out the window, I felt the need to say something about his family. “I really love your mother and Maddy.” He smiled. “Nicholas sure loves pushing your buttons.”
“That he does,” Seth agreed.
I waited to see if he’d say any more. “Your father scares me, though.”
Seth turned to me so quickly he made me jump. “Why? Did he say something?” His words were laced with an icy undertone.
“No.” I cleared my throat. I thought I might have hit a nerve. “I just meant he gives me an uneasy feeling.”
“Yeah, well, you wondered why I didn’t want you to meet him,” he muttered as he sank back into his seat.
I felt angry suddenly. “If I recall correctly, you didn’t want me to meet any of them,” I lashed out as the car stopped in front of my house. “I get it that you would want to bring home your girlfriend but not someone you were just sleeping with.” I shoved a twenty into the tray and slammed it forward to the cabby. I hopped out and dug for my keys just as Garrett opened the door.
“Hey, beaut—” He stopped when he saw my face. “Everything okay?”
“Fantastic,” I muttered as Seth raced up the stairs behind me. “Goodnight.”
I slammed my door closed and locked it with a huff, only to hear my mother call out to see if everything was all right. Her voice was followed up with a giggle to let me know she wasn’t alone. I flopped on my bed, kicked off my heels, and burrowed under the covers. I tucked them under my chin. My door handle rattled, and a quiet knock made my stomach flip.
“Baby, please open the door,” Seth said softy. I closed my eyes and wished for the quiet life that I’d had a few months ba
ck. Everything had seemed so easy then—no Lasko, no Jenny, no awkward heartache with Seth. Just me doing my normal routine. My phone chirped, and I reached out and snatched it from the bedside table.
Seth: You weren’t and will never be someone I ‘just’ sleep with. I just need some space to figure things out.
Emily: Consider it done.
I buried my head in my pillow to muffle the sounds of my aching heart.
Finally, after I cried until I couldn’t anymore, I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling.
***
Lasko
I handed the kid a roll of twenties and snatched the bag of blow from his grasp. I had been frustrated all week. I had left my picture of Julia behind at the cabin, and Emily had been so close at the gala I could almost have reached out and touched her.
My anxiety got the better of me, but I knew it would only be a few more days until I’d have her back. Back out of that prick cop’s arms. Fuck, I loathed that guy.
I climbed the stairs to my room. As I pulled out my key, a hand reached out and stopped me. I almost groaned out loud as I took in my neighbor standing in front of me. She wore nothing but a silk nightgown.
“You wanna have some fun tonight?” She held up her finger, showing me a yellow pill with a happy face on it.
I eyed her huge breasts. They could work, I thought. I’d have to scrub myself clean afterward, but my body was so sexually deprived that I didn’t care anymore. It was this or masturbate again. She was used to a pimp, so I knew she’d submit easily. Fuck it. I grabbed her finger, swiped the drug, and sucked on it until it dissolved; she did the same. She stepped back and let me come in.
“Shower.” I ordered and pointed toward her bathroom.
She gave me a puzzled look, but did as she was told. I opened my bag of blow, took a small amount on my finger, and sniffed it back. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back as the drug swirled around inside me. Lights flashed different colors as it rushed through my brain. A tingling sensation rushed up and down my spine. Fuck, that shit was good.