Noah grunted, but he was too sedated to register her presence.
“Shh,” Sydney whispered. “I’m right here, honey. Get your rest.”
“Sydney,” Noah gurgled out the word. Her heart warmed knowing she was in his thoughts.
“Sydney,” he said again, though his eyes remained closed.
“Yes?”
She heard a loud snore. Sydney stood watching him for several moments before her eyes zoned in on something on his head. Her brows furrowed.
What was that?
It looked like some crazy stitching on his head. She angled her head in several different directions to get a good look at the mark. Suddenly, her eyes widened. Sydney stepped back and cupped her mouth.
No. It couldn’t be. Was that a… swastika? She shook her head. She stepped back and reached for the switch against the wall. She had to see clearly. Within seconds, light flooded the room.
Noah shifted, but didn’t awaken. She moved forward and took a closer look at his head. It was as she thought.
Noah had a swastika on his head.
She wobbled from the bed backwards. She kept moving until the back of her legs hit a chair. She lost her footing and fell down into the hard chair. Her heart ached. She wished she could shake Noah awake to ask him about it.
This was unbelievable. Her body chilled.
She looked at Noah and she looked at the hideous marking on his head. There had to be some logical explanation. Sydney’s mind raced. She pieced fragments of her and Noah’s past conversations together. She closed her eyes and activated her mental memory bank.
Noah had told her about his troubled past, but he never mentioned he was a skinhead. Her heart plummeted.
What was she to him? His…ugh. She couldn’t think of the word. Was she, his black fiancé, supposed to be proof of his redemption? She swallowed the bile, which threatened to rise.
Had Noah chosen a black wife to be his—she’d found the word—absolution? She shook her head. Was marrying a black woman supposed to absolve his guilt for being a former skinhead?
Most importantly what did she mean to him? Did he love her?
She recalled every look and touch between them. She remembered his sincerity, the look in his eyes. Sydney shook her head.
No. No, she was not imagining it. Noah’s feelings and emotions were real. He couldn’t have been faking that. Nobody was that good.
She bit her lip. How could she really know?
The one person who could answer all her questions was hooked up to monitors and unconscious. She could leave, right now without a backward glance, or she could wait. Sydney grappled between her wavering opinions for several moments. Then she stood up. She’d made her decision. She knew what she had to do.
62
There was a Mac truck on top of his eyes.
With much effort and concentration, Noah pried his eyelids open. Involuntarily they closed. Noah forced them open. Through the slits of his eyes, he scanned the room.
“Where am I?” he croaked.
“You’re in the hospital and lucky to be alive,” Gramps answered. “The stage collapsed and a banner fell on your head. God let you live to die another day because you’re supposed to be dead.”
“Water,” Noah said. “My mouth feels dry.” He tried to shift his body and cried out. He held his head, which throbbed and felt like it weighed a ton.
“Careful.” Gramps’s tone warned him. “Hold still.” He fed Noah several ice chips then helped him get situated back in the bed. “You’re recovering from brain surgery. You need to take it easy.”
Noah raised a hand to his head. It was shaved and bandaged. “What happened to my hair?”
“You had surgery. Your CT scan showed you had a busted blood vessel they had to fix.”
Noah looked around the room as he processed the information. “How long have I been asleep?”
“A couple days. It’s about six-fifteen now in the evening.”
He was alive. When the beam fell, he thought that was it for him. Tears slid down his cheeks. He asked the question uppermost in this mind. “Where’s Sydney?” he choked out.
“There’s the million-dollar question. I wondered when you’d get around to asking about your fiancé.”
“Where is she?” Noah insisted. Gramps was stalling.
“She’s…” Gramps stopped. “What you need is a visual. Let me show you.” He went over the small closet and pulled out Noah’s duffel bag. “I went home yesterday to shower and eat. I packed you some clothes, your toothbrush, and toothpaste.” Noah watched him dig around the huge black bag and pull out a handheld mirror.
“Ah, here it is.” He held the mirror in Noah’s visual field.
Noah peered at his bruises and his bandages. It hurt, but he turned his head. His eyes widened at the crude brand on display. He winced. “Move it out of my face,” he whispered. Pain tore his heart. It hurt him to even ask, but he did. “She saw it, didn’t she?”
“Yep. She did.”
Noah covered his face with his hand. How many people had seen the mark on his head? He felt like a marked man. His past sin was exposed for the world to see. Tears slid down his cheeks. How could anyone see past that to see the new him? Especially one woman in particular. He’d waited too long. Now, he’d lost her.
“I’ve got to talk to her.” Noah made a move to sit up. He started pulling at the heart monitor.
“Whoa,” Gramps stilled Noah’s hands. He got into Noah’s face. “You can’t go anywhere.”
Noah nodded, but then winced from the pain of moving his head. How could he get to Sydney if it hurt to move?
“I’m going to let you go, but you’d better not pull these things off,” Gramps said.
“I won’t.” Noah closed his eyes. He couldn’t move if he wanted to.
He heard a chair scrape. Gramps had moved closer. He looked into his grandfather’s eyes, the only person who had ever loved him unconditionally and wanted to cry for what he saw there. Sadness, fear, remorse…all the same emotions Noah felt himself.
“She wasn’t supposed to ever see it.” Noah whispered.
His grandfather softened, somewhat. “Well, God made sure she did. You’re always saying everything in the dark comes out in the light. I’ve lived long enough to know that to be true. Just because your head is covered with hair, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That emblem is there. It’s a part of your history. Like it or not, it’s a part of who you were. You should’ve given Sydney more credit and trusted her with the truth. I warned you, but you didn’t listen to me.”
“Gramps, please,” Noah pleaded. His voice was ravaged with grief. “I need to see Sydney. I’m not sure what I’ll say, but I can’t lose her. Can you convince her to hear me out? I’ve got to try to make things right.” Pain pierced his heart at the thought of that.
His eyes filled with tears. “The moment I bent down to get her shoe in the elevator, I knew she was the one for me. I can’t live without her. I just can’t.”
The door squeaked and Sydney stepped into the room.
“Oh, you don’t know how glad I am to hear that,” she said.
Noah’s breath left his lungs. “You’re here.” His voice cracked. He stretched his hands toward her like a thirsty man who had just spotted water.
“Yes, I’ve been here. I went to get coffee for Gramps. Where did you think I’d be?” Sydney glanced between both men with suspicious eyes. “What’s going on?”
“Gramps said…” Noah trailed off.
“I didn’t want to leave Gramps and I had to make sure you would be okay. Now that I know it, I’m out of here.”
“Let me explain.”
“Too little, too late. I know everything.” She spoke through her teeth. “I think you chose me to prove to the world you’re changed. What better solution than to have an upstanding black trophy wife if your past ever comes to light.” Sydney’s chest heaved.
“You know about my past?” Noah queried. Had Gramps told her
?
“I’m an attorney, Noah. I know how to dig and research. I have my iPad here with me. I had time and the Internet.”
The words poured from him. “I don’t see you as a trophy wife. I was young, vulnerable and impressionable. I didn’t see the boys who carjacked me and my parents as troubled youths; I looked at their skin color and judged the entire race. I joined a small gang and got involved with a white supremacist movement. Truthfully, my heart wasn’t into it. But I wanted a family. I had them mark my head instead of my body.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Help me understand something. Why didn’t you get it removed from your head?”
“I did,” Noah said. “It was much more prominent. Tattoo removal takes several procedures. I was paranoid about getting all that laser treatment on my head so I stopped going once it faded. I figured my hair would cover it.”
“Do you have any more nasty tattoos?” Sydney’s rage was barely under control.
“No. I don’t. Contrary to what you think, there are many in the movement who do not. Some are lawyers, doctors, politicians …”
“Or pastors?”
Her barb stung. Noah tried to sit up. The searing pain in his hand made him grunt with pain. He held onto his head.
Sydney rushed over to fuss over him. “Stop trying to move. You’ll only make it worse.”
Noah was comforted that though she was angry, she still cared. That had to mean something.
“Sydney,” he whispered. “I hope we can get past this.”
“You hope we can get past this?” Sydney shook her head. “Are you serious? I’m remaining as calm as I can because I know you just went through serious trauma, but there is no getting past that swastika on your head. How can I trust you?”
“If I had told you the truth, you wouldn’t have given me a chance. You wouldn’t have loved me.” Noah croaked out the words. “I wouldn’t be experiencing the best relationship of my life.”
She broke down at his words. “You should have told me. All I can think about is how I kissed you and held your hand while you had that symbol of hate on your head.”
Her words whipped his heart. He was losing her. “All I can think of is how we prayed and shared God’s word together. We connected on a spiritual level.”
Noah didn’t believe Sydney heard his words. She appeared to be muddling through her pain. Her shoulders shook. Then she said, “The sad thing is I asked you about race. We talked about that from day one. You told me it didn’t matter and all the while knowing you were a white supremacist.”
Noah couldn’t hold back the tears. “The key word is was. I didn’t lie to you about how I feel. All that is real.” His heart pounded. He could see her unbelief written all over her face. Sydney didn’t believe anything he was saying. He couldn’t blame her.
Noah held out a hand. She glared.
“I can’t touch you.”
If his heart were made of glass it would’ve shattered at her rejection. This was worse than he imagined. Noah gulped. “I was hurt and lost without my parents. I joined the gang until I encountered God’s love.”
He took deep breaths. “A missionary visited my cell and told me about Jesus. It took me a while, but one night in my bed I broke down. I talked to God and asked Him to take the pain away from my heart because it was destroying me.”
He struggled to get the words out. “I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. He answered my prayer. Then Gramps came and gave me a new life. They sealed my records and one day at a time, I learned to move on. I hope you can, too.”
Sydney pointed to Noah’s head. Her face was ravaged with pain. “How do I know I can’t go to bed next to you without worrying that you might snap off and kill me in my sleep or something?”
“What?” Noah’s mouth hung open. “You have a crazy and overactive imagination. I love you. I have no thoughts of killing you in your sleep, or anyone else for that matter. I want to wake up every morning with you in my arms. I want to make our union legal so that I can show you how much I want you.”
Sydney stood and walked over to him. She touched him. Her touch made him shudder. Noah lifted a hand and placed it over hers.
“I believe you,” she said. “I know how much you love me. I see your love for me in your eyes.” Then she looked at his head and cringed. “But I can’t do this.”
“No. No. Please don’t leave me,” Noah begged. He pressed her hand to his lips. “Don’t leave me, honey. What I have for you is for real.”
She bent over and her tears mingled with his. Then she pressed her lips on his. It was a kiss filled with pain, love and finality. She was telling him goodbye.
“Oh, Lord.” Noah’s body shook. He bit his lip. He wanted to wail and howl, but her face said it all. She was done.
Sydney removed the ring from her hand. Then she put it in his and closed his fist around it. “If it helps, I forgive you. I love you. But I can’t be with you.” She covered her face in her hands. “Goodbye, Noah.”
His resolve broke. “Sydney, don’t leave me.”
She withdrew from him.
“Sydney!”
She backed away.
“Sydney. Don’t do this! Please!”
She gathered her belongings.
“Sydney! Sydney! I love you!” He tried to yell, but didn’t have the strength in his voice.
She went to the door.
“No!” Noah tried to yell. The pain of his heart was greater than the effects of surgery. “I can’t breathe without you.”
Her hand was on the knob.
“Sydney!” He released a wail. “Please.”
She stopped. He held his breath.
Please, God. Let her change her mind. Noah waited with baited breath. This was his moment. “I need you,” he pleaded.
She hesitated.
Hope flowed through him. “You’re family,” he whispered.
Then she squared her shoulders, pushed the door and walked out of the room.
Out of his life. For good.
63
“You intend to sleep all day?” Hunter asked.
Noah opened his eyes at that voice. For the first time in two days, he smiled. It was just after seven in the morning. “I’m getting ready to run five miles.” He pressed the button to lift the hospital bed. “I thought you were in Mexico?”
“Ellie called me. Your accident is national news. Your ugly face is plastered on every screen,” Hunter drew close. “As soon as I heard, I was on the next flight.” He squinted. “I thought I heard you were getting better. You look like crap.” Hunter rested against the wall nearest the door. Noah knew it was so he could keep an eye on everything on the inside and outside.
“Sydney left me.” It took every ounce of strength he possessed to utter those words.
“I see.” Hunter straightened. That was all he’d say on the matter. Noah hadn’t expected any other response. “So I have news. None of which you’re going to like.”
“Give it to me in stages,” Noah said.
“Someone took a picture of your head. It’s all over the news. I had to restrain one of the deacons to keep them out of your room.”
Noah expelled a breath of air. “I should have known it would happen.” He could only imagine what they were saying. Social media was going to shred his good name into tiny pieces.
“They left you a resignation letter which went out with yesterday’s trash.” Hunter tilted his head toward the food tray.
“I hope you were civil.”
“I was as welcoming as they were.”
That could mean several different things, but Noah didn’t push for information. In a matter of days, his ministry was ashes destroyed by the fire of his past. His reputation was darker than mud after rain.
Then Hunter spoke again. “Matthew was never in prison.”
“What?”
“You heard me right. I went to the Sports Park. That was no accident. You were meant to die.”
A chill ran through Noah’s body.
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“I did some digging and found out Matthew faked his arrest. The officers released him on Highway 75 by the underpass. They were well paid. The officers alerted the press so you would see it. He wanted you to think it was over.”
Noah coughed. “Nothing with Matthew is ever over. I should have known. Maybe I should give him what he wants. Eighty thousand is a small sum to pay.”
“If that would be it. But it wouldn’t.”
Hunter held his gaze. Noah released a breath. “You’re right.” Noah swung his legs to the side of the bed. “I need to get out of here. I have to find him.”
“I’ve stood watch outside your door. You’re safe,” Hunter said.
Noah grasped Hunter’s hand. Emotions coursed through his body. “Thank you,” Noah whispered. He struggled to remain under control. Hunter gave a brisk nod and cleared his throat.
Suddenly, Hunter grabbed him by the shoulder. “Brace yourself. There’s more.”
A deep sense of foreboding traveled up Noah’s spine. His heart rate increased. He clutched the bed sheets in a feeble attempt to prepare himself.
“Sydney’s missing.”
Noah lost his breath. If Hunter hadn’t had him in a viselike grip, he would’ve fallen. “What do you mean?”
“Belinda thinks she skipped town for a few days.”
Noah struggled to remain calm. “What do you think?”
“Matthew has her.”
Noah’s insides felt like it’d been run over by a semi. “No. Please say you’re wrong.”
Hunter went by the door where he had a small duffle bag. Noah watched as the bigger man hunched over. He heard the zipper. Then Hunter extracted an item, which erased any doubt and any hope.
Noah held out a hand and took the strappy black heel. “This is Sydney’s shoe. She was wearing that the last time I saw her. Where did you find it?”
“In the parking lot. Two days ago.”
Noah broke down. He clutched the shoe to his chest. It was all he had of her. Noah pictured Sydney fighting for her life while he lay here helpless. “Oh my, Lord. Sydney. I’m sorry. I should have left you alone. Why did I stop that day in the food court?”
Tell Me Lies Page 27