by Bry Ann
“I’m sorry.” Like she doesn’t know. Like Lacey hasn’t damn well told her. “Who was she to you?”
“I loved her,” I say without hesitation.
“Does that happen often to you?”
“What?”
“Loving people.”
I feel my whole body stiffen, exacerbated by the alcohol.
“No,” I grit out.
“Did she love you?” “I don’t know. She cared enough.”
“Who else loves you, Sven?”
God, this feels like treatment, but there’s no lying here. I don’t have it in me. I feel like a balloon: full of air, ready to explode. I just hope I don’t do it on this damn woman.
“No one. Doesn’t matter. It’s what I chose.”
“Is it?”
“Yes.”
Breathe, Sven. Control.
“Your parents?”
“Never knew them.”
“Then who raised you?”
I see why Boss hired this woman. She’s fucking ruthless.
“Doesn’t. Matter.”
“Is this a tough topic for you, Sven?”
Not usually.
“No.”
“What were their names?” “Savannah.” “Father?” “Never knew him.”
“So you never had a father figure?”
I burst out of my chair.
“Okay, I’m done for today.”
“It hasn’t been very long.”
“Don’t care. I’m done.”
“Will you be here Thursday?”
“Yes.”
I see relief flood her eyes.
“Okay, then. I will see you then, Sven.”
I run out of there to my good old friend, Jack. A bottle. They can quiz me on my feelings all day long, but she broke me. Damn girl with fiery eyes and white blonde hair took my heart with her when she was murdered.
I grab a paper and pen, and write them all out. My secrets.
Rose,
I’m in therapy. Isn’t that fucking ironic? You’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? You always were kind of a bitch in that way, little Rose.
I pause and take a sip of Jack Daniels so I don’t cry.
I bet you’re bored in heaven. No one to help up there. Everyone’s happy, and you’re not happy unless you’re helping other people. So I’d love to know how that’s working out.
You’d be crushed to see how much Lacey cares. It’s been a year, and all she does is train and look for ways to get justice for you. I should be doing it, but I… can’t. I can’t yet. It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad, I feel like someone is ripping my heart out constantly. Slowly. I have no clue how I got so attached to you so quickly, but you got me, little Rose. Congrats on that.
I guess it’s only fair. I took you from your life once. Now it’s your turn to take me from mine.
We always knew you’d have the final say.
-Sven
Boss
She’s tapping her foot wildly on the car mat. It’s not nerves, it’s angst. She’s furious at herself. I can feel it coming off of her in waves. Boxing helped. Sex helped. But she’s still mad. I’m concerned that she hasn’t mentioned Jamie or her family. She’s shoving it aside. I don’t know if I should let her. Of course I talked to her therapist before I mentioned finding them. Her therapist agreed there was no reason she shouldn’t see her family, Jamie, when she’s ready. I know what Jamie means to her. Her parents, because I love her and she asked me not to, are breathing. There are no two people who deserve to live less. Selling their own daughter for money. I hope they rot in hell. Not even I could do that.
Meeting them will take all my patience.
For now, I decide against pursuing that topic with her. One stress at a time. I will try tonight, when I can keep her calm. Hold her. Wash her. Get her one of the towels she still loves so ridiculously much. Yeah, tonight.
“Relax. Okay, Lacey?”
“Okay.”
She leaps out of the car as I pull into the driveway, my guards following close behind us.
“Jesus, Lacey,” I scream out the window. “I wasn’t even stopped. You could have gotten hurt.”
She looks back and shrugs, determination etched all over her face. I love all sides of Lacey, at all times, but when she’s like this, I’m mystified by her. My equal in every way. She doesn’t just appeal to me as a normal man, but also as a cruel criminal boss who controls an empire. She’s just as capable.
I see her disappear around the corner. I wait a couple of minutes before slipping out of the car. I slip my hand under the mat, where a kid like this is sure to keep a spare key. I roll my eyes as my fingers touch the cold metal. Shaking my head, I pull it out and click the door open ever so quietly. I sneak in without anyone noticing. I had someone get the layout of this house before I entered, so I know exactly where to go. I hide in a nook by the kitchen. I get a good view of them. Lacey is fidgeting. Her eyes are watery, but determined. Fiercely determined. She’s not leaving here without answers.
“I’m sorry to bother you, um…” She looks at the floor and takes a deep breath. Her hands are shaking. I realize this is the first house she’s been in that isn’t mine since she was taken. Since she was sold.
“Um… but… I’m Lacey,” she says quickly, extending her hand.
The guy’s eyebrows furrow slightly, but he extends his hand too.
“Kev.”
I can tell he was a good looking kid at one point, but now he looks tired. Thin. A stressed out young man just trying to make it. It’s weird; we aren’t far apart in age, me and this guy, but I feel like he’s a fucking child.
“Nice to meet you,” she whispers, tugging at the sleeves of her jacket. “I’m sure you are wondering why I’m here,” she laughs nervously. “Um…”
I want to go over there and hold her. She looks utterly terrified. The kid’s eyes lose some of their hardness.
“Hey, what’s up?” He says softly, looking at her with those kind eyes. I’m grateful he’s not being an ass, because standing here would be hard.
It’s in this moment, seeing the two of them interact, that I realize how young and innocent Lacey is. Yes, she’s close to my age, but it’s not always the number that deems how young or old someone is. Lacey’s young. She’s just a young woman and would be better off without someone like me in her life. I look down at my feet and try to suppress the misguided anger rising inside of me.
I feel the need to let her go, because I love her. That is, until I realize she hasn’t relaxed the least bit under his kind eyes. If anything, she looks more tense. She’s tainted. A beautiful, tainted heart. I could fix her and send her out. Let her choose someone normal. Someone kind, someone whose heart isn’t as dark as mine. I will give her that choice.
“I knew Rose,” Lacey says quietly. Kevin visibly jolts and tenses. “I told the cops everything.”
“I don’t think you did,” Lacey says.
“Look, Lacey,” Kev says softly, leaning forward on his elbows. “This isn’t something you want to get involved in. These men… Lacey, they’re evil. The darkest form of it.”
Lacey straightens. Her nerves disappear instantly. I know this side of her all too well. She showed me it to me many times when she was my prisoner.
“I know all about evil.”
“I’m sure you do,” Kev says, completely patronizing her, “but these men are dangerous.”
“I can be dangerous.”
Kevin cocks his head.
“Rose was my friend. I won’t stop... “ Tears leak from her eyes, but she throws her shoulders back and lets them dry. “I won’t stop until I know what happened to her.”Kevin looks at her with sympathy. I can only respect the kid for trying to protect what he perceives as an innocent young girl missing her friend.“Lacey, Rose wouldn’t want you to get involved. I didn’t know Rose had friends, but I hadn’t seen her for a while when...” He chokes and clears his throat, trying to be strong for Lacey. “I hadn’t seen her in a b
it, but knowing her the little I did, I can say unequivocally that Rose would treasure her friendship with you. She would never want you to put your life in danger for her.”
“If Rose were here, she’d know I’d never give up on her. Never. Not once.”
“These men are killers!” Kevin shouts, frustrated with Lacey’s tenacity.
I see Lacey’s jaw tighten. She glances over directly to where I am, like she senses me. I pull back out of view. When she’s satisfied no one is there, she turns back to Kevin. Her eyes have a fire in them that even he notices. He pulls back the slightest bit, and I pop my head back out for a better view.
“Let me show you something,” Lacey finally says.
Lacey exhales a shaky, deep breath and finds the hem of her sweatshirt. My eyes widen. She wouldn’t. No way. Her body trembles as she lifts the shirt up over her head, leaving her in a simple, white tank top. His eyes dart around her skin in shock. He looks sick. It takes everything in me not to drag her out of there. The last thing she needs is someone’s horrified gaze when they view her marred skin. The first person she’s shown outside of me and Cut. She’s trembling profusely.
“See? I know monsters. Evil. The devil, too. And I’m here. But I have to find my friend. She helped me when I was going through this.”
Lacey trembles and her eyes water. I see her small hands ball into fists by her side. I know she wants to curl up and hide.
“She was the only one. The only one who was willing to risk being nice to me.”
That burns. I’m a coward. A complete coward. I don’t deserve her. Not after what I did. It makes sense now why Lacey won’t give up on Rose. Rose didn’t give up on Lacey, despite the risks. Maybe I should have been a little nicer to her? Too late now.
“That sounds like her. What the hell happened to you?”
His eyes are still dancing around her skin, horrified. I don’t have time to be angry, only saddened. Lacey’s cheeks flame and she quickly throws her sweatshirt back on. I see the way her lower lip trembles as she fights to keep it together. She’s hurt. He saw her as ugly and scarred when all she wants is to be normal. I’ve seen this enough times to know that Lacey wants to fall apart, but she won’t let herself.
“Getting into details isn’t really why I’m here,” Lacey says softly. “I’m just showing you I can handle it, and I’m not leaving without answers.”
I’m so proud of her. I’m so goddamn proud of her. Through and through, she’s a survivor.
Kevin lets out a breath. “Okay, just… be careful, alright?”
Lacey nods.
“I was taken before Rose, so I know why he killed her.”
Lacey scoots forward. Kev’s phone rings right as he’s about to continue. I’m frustrated for Lacey. Her heart is going to give out. I silently lean my head against the wall. Kev stands and steps out onto the patio, past the sliding glass doors. I do feel guilty for not letting Lacey have this moment to herself, but the bottom line is that I run things here. The two closest people to me are hurting deeply because of this situation, and when, inevitably, I have to step in and handle things, I need to be informed as to what is going on. It’s not that I don’t trust Lacey, because I do, but this is my job.
Kev walks back through the door with his eyes cast down.
“Lacey, I’m so sorry, but my girlfriend’s coming over. She worries about me, and, well, I have to see her. I promise we’ll talk soon.”
I can tell he really does feel guilty, but damn it, can’t he see she fucking needs this? I have to physically hold myself back. I’m not supposed to be here.
“Can you tell me quickly?”
Her puppy dog eyes squeeze my heart.
“It’s not a quick story. I’m really sorry, I just…” He bites his lip. He looks so damn young! Hell, why do I feel so old? These people are right around my age. “I have to take care of myself at some point. Everyone’s wanted answers from me all year and I went through a lot, too, and it’s been hard.” He takes a deep breath. “I haven’t really talked to anyone but my girlfriend, not for real, but I promise to tell you everything. I just… I can’t rush it. I can’t be even more of a mess when my girlfriend gets here. God knows she worries enough.”
I don’t hear Lacey’s answer. I quietly get myself back to the car, making sure to tuck the key back under the mat. I sit calmly in the seat, pretending I haven’t heard anything. Lacey comes to the car a couple of minutes later. I see her tucking a piece of paper in her pocket, presumably his cell phone number. She gets in the car without saying a word. I don’t say anything as she pulls her feet up on the seat and wraps her sweatshirt around her legs. She’s hiding in her jacket.
“You okay?” I ask, because I know she’d be suspicious if I didn’t say anything.
“Fine. Can we just go home?”
Home.
I nod. “Of course. Wherever you want.”
I put the car in drive, checking the mirror to make sure my men are following me. Keeping guard. I’ve gone soft for Lacey, no one else.
“You didn’t hear any of that, did you?” Lacey asks, sounding terrified at the very thought.“I’m not God. I can’t hear through walls.”
Ugh, I hate lying to her.
“Thank God,” she sighs, slumping back in her seat.
She seems so relieved that I didn’t hear, so genuinely embarrassed at the very thought of me seeing her get rejected in there, that I find myself feeling guilty for spying, even though I know I need to be privy to that information.
The rest of the drive is quiet. When I pull back up to the estate, Lacey practically flies out of the car.
“Lacey, please don’t jump out of moving cars!” I call after her. Again.
She’s gone. I know she’s hurting and upset. I take my time getting out, clearing everything with my men, assigning duties, texting Gioele and Frances details on orders they need to handle. I give Lacey time. Finally, I make my way through the house.
“Lacey,” I call. “Lacey.” I miss Sven. I know he’s in his room. I miss his energy. A fuck of a lot. Rose took something from this house when she was killed and I can’t pinpoint what it is.
I go to our room to find it empty. My eyebrows furrow. Where is she? I search the kitchen next. I ask Mirial if she’s seen her. Immediately, her eyes dance with concern.
“No, sir, I haven’t. Do you want me to help you find her?” Regardless of what I say, I know she’ll look for her. Mirial loves Lacey and worries about her. She’ll look for her. I’m not gonna stop her.
“Yes, Mirial. Just… if she needs privacy, leave her be. Just let me know where she is. She’s had a rough day.”
“Sí, of course, sir.”
We both look. Ten minutes later —I repeat, ten— I hear Mirial screaming my name. Running, I follow her voice.
“Where is she?” I say quickly.
Mirial looks so sad. “Greenhouse, sir. You should go out there.”
Of course. I should have known.
“Thank you, Mirial.”
“Of course, sir.” She looks down at her feet and up at me, with the eyes of a sad mother. Someone watching their child suffer and feeling unable to stop it.
“Take care of her. Please. I’ve been in this house a long time. Men here…” She shakes her head. “Just be different. She’s special. She’s just a young woman.”
“I promise. I’m not a good man, but I’m not my father. I’d never hurt her. Never again.”
She nods. “I hope so.”
With that, she walks off, and I run outside. Immediately, I’m greeted with the sound of quiet sobs. My hand hesitates by the doorknob. It takes me several minutes before I can muster up the courage to turn it.
“Lacey?” I whisper.
She doesn’t hear me. She has her sweatshirt thrown off, clearly thrown across the room, and is fiercely picking at her skin.“Stupid skin! Stupid body! I hate you. I hate you.”
Then she goes back to crying. Her left hand is curled in a fist so tight i
t has to hurt. She’s trying not to self-harm. She’s trying not to slip back. Tears burn my eyes. I think it’s a combination of pain and awe. Even when she’s falling apart and hurting, she’s the strongest, most incredible woman— most incredible person I know.She looks down at herself, disgusted.
“I can’t do this,” she whispers with tears in her eyes.
I see her snatch a stick and snap it in half. The shame is already written all over her face.
“Lacey,” I say gently.
Her head snaps up with the broken stick hovering over her skin. I walk over and gently peel the stick from her hand. I throw it to the floor. She looks up at me with watery eyes, almost like she expects me to yell or walk away. Never. Never, ever again.
“Come here, sweetie.” I pull her head into my abdomen. She’s seated, I’m standing, but there’s no time to rectify that situation now. Her hand finds my shirt and grips it with a death grip as she hides her face, burrowing it against my abdomen.
I cup the back of her head and gently stroke down her hair. My hand looks so large against her small body. She doesn’t cry. She just grips me tight. I continue to hold the back of her head softly. I’d hold her there for as long as she needs, but she pulls away a few minutes later and looks up at me.
“What happened?”
Guilt swells in my stomach, because I know. I invaded her privacy, but I had to. It’s my job.“Nothing,” she says quickly.
I furrow my eyebrows. Why won’t she tell me?
“Did you find anything else about Rose?”
“Almost. His girlfriend showed up,” she mumbles, “but I got his number. He promised he would tell me what he knows.”“That’s good, Lacey.”
I would have pushed it. Demanded the information. But she did well. She stood her ground. She needs my praise, not my criticism. The man, not the Boss.
“I guess.” “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” I ask as softly as I can.
She pulls away from me fully, quickly running over to throw on her sweatshirt.
“Nothing. Thank you.”
She throws the door open and runs outside. I take a deep breath and follow her. When I slide the back door open, I see Lacey standing there with a small smile on her face.