“Besides, you’ll get plenty of stuff for Christmas,” he told her. We were walking again, down Pike Street, and on our way to find my car.
“Did you get me a Christmas present?” she asked him.
“Maggie,” I warned.
“Did you get me one?” Jared countered.
She eyed him for a few seconds and then said, “No, not yet. But I have an ideal.”
“An ‘ideal’, huh?” he smiled. We both chuckled at that and then Jared said, “Actually I got your Christmas present last month.”
“What is it?” she asked, wide-eyed.
“Pssh, it’s a surprise. Don’t you like surprises?”
“Mmmm, sometimes.”
“Hmm, fair enough. But you’ll have to wait.”
She seemed okay with that and we continued to walk.
I guess I didn’t realize that Jared’s car was parked at my house, and he’d gotten a ride south with the hopes of accommodating us better. So it made sense that he rode back to Everett with us, and when Maggie invited him in to watch her new movie, I couldn’t object. I knew he wanted to, and I knew I wanted him to, and Maggie had no idea why there would even be a problem with it.
By nine o’clock she was bathed and in bed, out like a light. I took a phone call from Michelle Bronson just as I was coming down the hall. I happened to have my phone in my pocket and it made me nervous whenever I saw her name on it.
I guess the news she shared with me wasn’t really shocking, but I wasn’t exactly prepared for it. Apparently my sister had been pregnant a second time—two years ago—and she’d gotten an abortion. I really didn’t know what to respond to that, so I chose to say nothing right away. I listened to Detective Bronson explain how the lead came about, and how it was verified.
“I know it doesn’t solve anything,” she said, “but we have something new to go on. Maybe it’s related somehow.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks for calling.”
“Sure. Take a deep breath, okay? Don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.”
I hung up, feeling really sad about Rachel’s life and her choices. I was sure she got an abortion so another baby didn’t interrupt her career. Maggie had already been one burden to her; why would she want a second?
Jared realized that I hadn’t heard anything good, and even though it looked as if he was getting ready to leave, he asked me if there was something he could do.
“I’m waiting for one piece of news—just one—that tells me something good about my sister.”
He didn’t reply, and whereas I originally wasn’t going to say anything, I decided to confide in him anyway. He didn’t seem surprised either, but he sat down on the couch with me and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t really know Rachel that well, but I know she thought pretty highly of you.”
I scoffed. “You’re just saying that.”
“Why would I feed you lines like that, Taryn? It’d be easier to just not say anything.”
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “I’m sorry. It’s just…hard to believe. I mean she never acted like she respected me—she took advantage of me and she treated me like the little person below her. And I don’t think I ever heard an apology come out of her mouth.”
“But you made an impact on her anyway. Whether or not she showed that doesn’t mean she didn’t feel that way. I know the kind, Taryn. She’s like my dad. They just can’t…appear weak in any form. They can’t be wrong. Any moment of humility is considered failure. They have to be unbreakable to feel like they’re fulfilling their calling for themselves.”
“I just wish she wanted Maggie. I wish she’d put her first instead of everyone else she worked for.”
“Now you get to make up for that. And stop feeling guilty for it. It’s okay to feel happy that you can give Maggie a better life. You should feel that way; that’s the plus side of it. Stop feeling guilty about it,” he emphasized.
I was surprised to hear him say that again. I guess that really was my biggest issue. Guilt. I wasn’t happy that Rachel was dead, but at the same time, I knew Maggie could have a different life now. That was hard for me to justify, and I was a little embarrassed that other people could tell.
Jared smiled when he knew I felt uncomfortable, and he said, “Yeah, I think I can read you, Taryn. And it’s not just about that either, but I’ll be respectful of your situation right now and leave the other stuff alone.”
I wiped a couple of tears from my face. “The other stuff, huh?” I kind of scoffed. I knew he was talking about whatever was going on between the two of us. “You’re just arrogant.”
He chuckled when he said, “No, I’m just in love with you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
I was taken by surprise, even though I already knew he had feelings for me. But that was a phrase that I did not take lightly.
“You don’t get to say that to me,” I finally said.
“I’m only being honest. And I want you to feel better.”
“What? How is that even logical?”
“Because I do love you and there’s no reason you should go another day without knowing that.”
I stood up from the couch and said, “Really Jared, you’ve got some nerve!”
“What?” he scoffed, standing up as well. “It’s not like it has to mean anything to you, right? I mean you could just laugh at me or whatever and not even care. But you do. Why would you react like that?”
“Because you said you’d ‘respect my situation’ and then you go and say that!”
“You called me arrogant.”
“You’re taking advantage of my emotions right now.”
“No, I’m not. You know exactly how you feel but you don’t want to admit it. I understand how much you’re hurting because of what happened to your sister, but you’re hiding behind it right now. And I don’t blame you for that; I do understand because decisions can be hard. But you have your own life to live. You deserve to be happy, and all I want is for you to be honest with me.”
“All you want is to hear what you want to hear.”
“No, all I want is for you to be honest. Really, Taryn, that is all I want.”
“What about what I want? Does that matter?”
“Of course it does. Tell me what you want. I would do anything for you. If it’s within my power, I will do it.”
I stood there for a long time, fighting the confusion that clouded my head. Hearing him say that almost broke my heart and I knew that’s what caused me to react so harshly. Fear had the tendency to make me panic. I wanted clearer answers, but that was asking a lot these days, and I felt buried under the decisions that I was unable to make.
He sighed and stood right in front of me so I had to look at him. “Taryn, here’s the deal. I respect your answer either way, but can you please tell me where you and I stand? I mean if you just want to be friends, then fine, I can’t force it. If you have feelings for me other than friendship but now’s not the time, then just tell me. I’ll wait. I promise I will. If you’re not sure what to do because of Zack, then just say so. If you don’t ever want to see me again, then I’ll leave you alone. But please… Just be honest with me.”
“Fine,” I relented, feeling a mix of anger and defeat. “B and C. Uh…I’m not sure if now is the right time, and I don’t know what to do. There, does that make you happy?”
“Was that so hard?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I took a deep breath of air and exhaled with a groan. I took a moment to decide what to say—it probably didn’t matter since I would say something stupid—but I realized I was just too tired to be combative anymore. I didn’t know the purpose of Jared’s questions, but I was beginning to think he was breaking me down just like Zack had. Maybe I thought too much. Maybe I really was that stubborn and people had to work harder to get me to budge. But maybe I just needed to go with my feelings for once and go from there.
“I’m so tired right now,” I said quietly. “I think I need
to go to bed.”
Jared only nodded and didn’t object. I could tell he felt undecided about our conversation like I did, and we both knew it wasn’t finished. However, he did step closer to me, and as my heart began to change rhythm in my chest, he gathered me in his arms and…
Gave me a hug.
If there was anything that he could have done for me at that moment, a hug was it. Just a simple display of affection, and it felt so good. I took in a deep breath of him and tried to let myself relax as I wrapped my arms around him. I swear I even dozed off for a few seconds, just standing there with him holding me. I was that tired, and apparently that comfortable with him.
But if Zack had been there he would have done the same thing and I would have enjoyed it as well. Jared wanted me to be honest with him, but what would he think if I told him that my relationship with Zack had changed, but I still had feelings for him? That was one reason why I couldn’t drop everything I had, just to try something new. I felt like I had something real with Zack.
But there was something about Jared that I couldn’t disregard. I knew he was right; I did have feelings for him, I just didn’t know how to classify them. But I needed his care at the moment, and he was willing to give it. It was just a hug, right? And I had answered his question—I told him where we stood. So why did that loud thumping in my chest suddenly match what was going on in his?
Because I knew my closeness affected him so much, and that affected me even more.
I didn’t know why I did it, but I moved my hands against his back so I was holding him more decisively, and then brushed my face along his collarbone so I was nuzzled against his neck. Just that adjustment made his heart race, and that gave me great satisfaction. I moved my hands again so they came back around to the front of him, and while I slid them up his chest to lock them around his neck, I slowly brushed my forehead against his lips and paused. I enjoyed that feeling, right there against his mouth. I wanted him to know that I desired his affection, and I waited for him to make the next move.
He kissed me on the forehead and said, “I need to get going. I’ll call to check on you in the morning, okay?”
He separated from me and it instantly felt like a greater divide than it should. I was confused, and after all that was said just a few minutes prior, I didn’t understand his actions.
He glanced at me briefly as he stepped away—just enough for me to see that he appeared disheartened. I didn’t know what I did. I thought he would have liked to continue the moment.
“Jared, I don’t understand,” I said quietly.
He stopped where he was, almost past the couch. He just stood there for a few seconds with his back to me, and I could tell he took a deep breath. “I thought you had some things to work out,” he finally replied.
“So now that I give you a little more, you’re the one that’s going to withdraw? Is this some kind of test?”
“No,” he scowled, turning around to face me. “Taryn, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, okay? I love you, I really do, but unless you’re in a position to reciprocate that, I don’t think I can do this to myself. I thought I could. I really did. I thought, ‘Man, even if I could just kiss her I would be a happy guy.’ But I know it would make things worse. For now I’m just going to take what I’ve got, and just… I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I just don’t know.”
I took my time with a reply. I was thinking about every interaction that we’d had with each other so far, but not only that, the thoughts and feelings I’d had for him that he wasn’t aware of. There were times that I was ashamed for considering a relationship with him because I was still with Zack, but beyond that, Jared always seemed to be in my thoughts, day or night. He moved me in a way that I had no control over.
“You barely know me,” I said softly. “Why do you think you love me?”
He kind of laughed, but it seemed a little bitter. Then he said, “Well, being away from you kills me…seeing you with another guy kills me…my heart pounds whenever I’m near you—it pounds whenever I think about you. You’re beautiful, your smile is incredible, I love the way you talk, and the sound of your voice… I love how you are with Maggie, and I love the way you’re always thinking about other people—even though it drives me nuts when you don’t think about yourself. And if all of that isn’t enough… Man, Taryn…I pissed off thousands and thousands of people just to be in the same country as you.”
I made a little noise, a mix of surprise and displeasure because it truly had been “a big deal” to reschedule two of his shows in Europe. But it really did dawn on me that he was telling the truth. I’d felt it from him in the beginning, and the more I got to know him, the more I’d been feeling it since. It’s what was drawing me to him—his genuine vulnerability to me—and I could feel how real it truly was.
We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds until he said, “I don’t know what else to say to you. I mean I’ve tried everything that I’m capable of—writing it for you, singing it for you, standing here like an idiot for you—and I don’t know what else there is I can do. I guess I should probably just make an exit, and if uh… Well, if you need me or anything, just call.”
“I do need you.”
He looked at me for a long time, and I could tell he was undecided as to what he should say. Finally he sighed and said, “I’m trying to make the right decision here. You’ve got Zack to think about, remember?”
“And once again you’re doing a one-eighty. Now you’re on his side?”
“I’m on your side. I only want what’s best for you. I want you to choose me because it’s what you want, not because your other option didn’t work out. I want to be your choice, Taryn, not your option. But if I’m really not what you want, then I just want whatever else you think is best for you.”
I felt an overload of emotions at that moment, but I realized one thing for sure. “Well I don’t know what’s best for me, but I know that I just lied to you a bit ago.”
He lifted an eyebrow to question me.
I took a deep breath as I thought about my next words. “You gave me four options to choose from—for how I felt about you—but if I’m being honest, the answer is none of them. Yes I still have things to work out but…”
Again he seemed to question me, but he did it with a tilt of his head as he waited for me to continue.
“I’m horrible at sharing how I feel, Jared.”
He barely smiled. “Well, then just do your best.”
I took another breath. “I just… I really do care about you and… Yes, I’d like to try—I mean I’m not sure how it will turn out, and that’s what worries me, but…”
He gave me a funny smile. “Hmm, I just don’t really understand what you’re saying,” he teased.
I was torn between running away and punching him. “Come here,” I told him, pointing to the floor in front of me. “Right here. Now.”
He briefly raised an eyebrow at my tone, but then I think the move was too intimidating to him. He looked a little anxious about the decision and wouldn’t budge. But I felt ready to go for it at that moment because my feelings for him were overwhelming me.
“You either love me or you don’t, so which is it?” I asked.
He scoffed and shook his head. I could tell I’d insulted him, but he did end up saying, “You meet me halfway.”
It was my turn to raise my eyebrows.
“You meet me halfway like it should be,” he chose to add.
He gauged the distance with his eye and took two-and-a-half steps my way. Then he decided that was about right, nodded his head, and motioned for me to do the same.
I tried not to smile, but it was hard. However, I took two-and-a-half steps his way—a little smaller than his steps were—and said, “Uh-oh, I think you measured wrong.”
We were two feet apart and he shook his head at me. “This is how it’s always going to be, isn’t it,” he said with a tiny smile, reaching out to hold my hand. “Well if it just takes
an extra nudge then that’s fine with me. I’ll work as hard as I need to for you…”
He gently pulled me to him and gathered me close, so I resumed the position we were in earlier, only I gave him my lips to kiss, not my forehead. But it was almost like he was still hesitant at that point, and he paused with his mouth barely touching mine. Maybe at first he was deciding how he was going to kiss me, but after that, he started soft and then gradually covered more ground.
The heat…it rushed through my body like scalding water, through my center, to my limbs, and back to my lips again. A fierce tingle traveled from the nape of my neck all the way down my spine, seeming to settle abundantly in my core.
I was won over; I’ll admit it. I was completely taken in by his affection and wanted more. There always had been something there between us, so why shouldn’t I see where it led? Jared had an emotional intelligence to him that I needed. I didn’t have any regrets about being with him at that moment—there was nothing that screamed at me, telling me I was making a big mistake. I tried to listen to those kinds of feelings, and this time…I just felt completely safe.
We slowly withdrew from each other, and while I could, I looked over his face more closely. He was doing the same to me, and softly ran his fingers through my hair. His eyes made my heart melt because I could tell how he felt about me. Then he leaned down and kissed me again. I was fully enjoying the affection from him when he suddenly stopped.
“Wha—?”
“I gotta write a song,” he said, and it appeared like he was just going to take off. I thought he was serious, but he couldn’t hide his smile for long and I smacked him in the arm for being rotten.
“Get back over here,” I told him, pulling him by the arm.
“Ooh, now the song is going to be titled ‘Bossy Lady.’ ”
“Quit,” I laughed, thumping him again.
Love Today Page 17