“I—“ Her eyes blazed with something I couldn’t quite decipher.
“Yes?”
Elizabeth sank back onto her heels. “Thank you for telling me.”
I nodded and exited the front door, wondering if I’d ever be back. I wished I could have told her that I would choose her. I just didn’t know what to do.
I wanted Elizabeth.
But what if I chose her and she ended up not wanting me anymore? What if I chose her, but sometime down the road she changed her mind? I wasn’t sure what would be worse—losing everything I had for nothing, or finding out the woman I loved didn’t love me back.
Love.
I didn’t even realize that I loved her until that moment, but as soon as I thought the words I knew them to be true.
36
Elizabeth
Cressida crashed through the door with the urgency of a runaway train. “I came as fast as I could!” she cried.
“I can see that.” My tone was as dry as the glass of Pinot Grigio clasped in my hand. Cressida didn’t miss either.
“You must be in a truly horrid mood if you’ve already moved on to angry sass,” she remarked.
She kicked off her shoes and marched over to the fridge to pour herself a glass. She didn’t make any comments about how I’d already polished off most of the bottle when she returned to the living room.
“So, what happened? I thought things were going well with you two?”
All I’d said to her over text was that I was having an Oliver crisis and I needed my best friend, stat. Now I had to go through the uncomfortable process of reliving the moment my heart broke. The moment I realized what I had to do.
“Well the good news is that I finally figured out why Oliver was such a jerk when I started working for him, and it doesn’t actually have a whole lot to do with me,” I said brightly. I followed it up with a mouthful of wine.
Cressida curled up on the opposite end of the sofa, clutching her glass to her chest and watching me. “And the bad news?”
I was having a weird moment where I wanted to laugh out loud but thought it might come out as a sob if I did, so I just gritted my teeth and pushed the urge away. “The bad news is his dead grandfather is controlling his life from beyond the grave.”
“Creepy,” Cressida commented. “I know a young priest if you can find an old one.”
“Would that it were so simple,” I lamented. “But unfortunately wills, unlike ghostly commandments written on walls in blood, cannot be ignored.”
“Ouch. What kind of controlling are we talking about here?”
“He’s not allowed to settle down. Or to work. Or basically do anything other than party and, quote: ‘live life to the fullest.’”
“No!”
I nodded stoically. “Yes.”
“That’s crazy,” she said. “So, Oliver’s just expected to get drunk and sleep around until he dies?”
“Yep. That’s the Cliff’s Notes.”
Cressida scowled. I could already see her mind at work trying to come up with a solution. There wasn’t one. Not one that would end happily for everyone, at least.
“That has to be the most ironic thing I’ve ever heard,” she decided. “And the dumbest. Who gets forced into a life of pleasure?”
“Right?” I chugged back more of my wine, savoring the way it burned down my throat. I was going to need more of it. Much more.
“So Oliver came here to break up with you? Did he just drop his truth bomb and make a hasty retreat?”
If Cressida couldn’t figure it out with logic, her next step was usually to duke it out with fists. I’d seen her get into one too many a confrontation with someone who’d gotten too hands-y with one of us at the bar to allow her to fully engage with this train of thought.
“No. I asked him to leave. I needed time to think.”
“Think and drink do rhyme,” she replied. “But I don’t think we should get them confused.”
I shot her a flat look and spitefully downed another mouthful. “It’s been a rough day and I’m dealing with this the best way I can.”
“But if he didn’t break up with you, what’s there to deal with?” she asked. “Obviously he’s not opposed to the idea of a future with you. If he was, wouldn’t he just end it right now? I mean, he’s had no problem doing that in the past but I think the fact that he can’t make it stick means he doesn’t want to leave.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what’s going through his head.” I lurched forward and almost dropped my glass onto the coffee table. Cressida watched me with wary eyes as I stood, my body swaying while I realigned myself with the earth’s gravitational fields.
“I’m more worried about what’s going through your head,” she frowned.
I toddled over to the kitchen, filling up a glass of water and downing it in three swallows. Having Cressida around made me less anxious to drown my sorrows. Now I just wanted to go to sleep.
“Hon,” Cressida called.
I refilled my glass of water and chugged it back again.
When I was finished, Cressida poked her head through the kitchen doorway. “What are you up to in here?”
“Drinking water.”
She smiled. “You’re such a lightweight.”
“Guilty.”
“We aren’t done talking about Oliver,” she said gently, extending her hand to me. “You’re obviously very upset. Help me understand what’s going on.”
I wish I understood it myself.
“It’s simple, really. If Oliver chooses me, he has to give up everything. His family fortune, his home, his old life… and if he doesn’t choose me, well… you get the idea.”
“If it’s that simple, then why do I feel there’s something you’re not telling me?”
I wavered under Cressida’s stony gaze. When she was trying to get something out of me, she made herself appear taller and blinked at least three times less. She was doing it now. I don’t know if she was conscious of it, but I knew from experience that I wouldn’t be going to bed until I told her what I’d done.
“I texted him,” I said.
She stared at me blankly.
“I texted Oliver.”
“Well I didn’t think you texted the Pope,” Cressida replied. “I’m waiting to hear what this has to do with what you told me.”
The floodgates, which I thought I’d done a pretty good job of securing, busted open with a vengeance. I sank down to the linoleum like a deflated balloon. My best friend rushed over to me, wrapping me in her arms and rocking me as I wept. I’d done most of my crying earlier. I thought I’d done all of it. But life surprises you sometimes.
“Oh honey,” she cooed. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay,” I croaked out. “I couldn’t do that to Oliver, Cress. I couldn’t make him choose.” I sniffed, wiping my wet face against my arm. “I love him.”
“I know, I know,” she murmured. “What did you text him?”
“I-I…”
Another set of sobs wracked through me. My stomach felt like it was trying to make the Great Escape through my mouth. My bones ached. My heart felt like somebody had wrapped it in tight cling film. Everything was wrong.
“I told him we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
It was all I could get out before the next wave of grief washed over me, dragging me deep under. Cressida kept holding me. I wished she was Oliver. I wished a lot of things.
With Cressida stroking my back and whispering calming words into my ear, I managed to bring myself back enough to ask the question that had been on my mind since the moment I sent that text.
“Do you think I did the right thing?”
It wasn’t too late. I could go back if I wanted to. God, I wanted to.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I can’t make that decision for you.”
“That’s unhelpful,” I replied.
“That’s life, my love.” She stood and pulled me up with her, supporting my sh
aking body with her own. “I think you did what you felt was best for Oliver. And maybe it is. This was going to hurt no matter what way you sliced it.”
“I just wish…” I looked up at her. There were tears in her eyes, too. “I just wish I could fix it.”
“Me too, Liz.” She hugged me tight. “Me too.”
“I thought falling in love was a good thing,” I said, my voice strained and pitched. “I thought the good would always outweigh the bad.” The last sentence came out more as a sob than discernible speech, but I knew she heard me all the same. “But I hurt so bad, Cress. I hurt so fucking bad.”
This time, our bodies shook together.
37
Oliver
Todd found me in my study, hunched over a bottle of my grandfather’s finest. I hadn’t bothered with a glass. I had all the money in the world—if I drank this all in one go, I could just replace the bottle. Wasn’t that the point of wealth? Wasn’t that practically the very definition of living life to the fullest?
“I never did understand the point of drinking away one’s sorrows,” he commented.
I glared up at him blearily from my desk. He’d interrupted me while I was considering whether to light it on fire or not. It wasn’t like I needed it, anyway.
“You’ve clearly never had much sorrow, then,” I snapped back.
“Ah, defensive Oliver. How I’ve missed you.”
Narrowing my eyes, I snarled, “Get out.”
But Todd didn’t move. He never did anything I told him to do.
“I’ve left you alone for nearly a week,” he said. “I thought you might snap out of it, but it appears you’ve continued to spiral down into spiritual decay.”
I raised the bottle to my lips for another swig, but Todd shot forward and nimbly snatched it from my hand. He danced out of my reach before I could even think of reacting.
“Give that back,” I commanded.
He shook his head, tucking his hands behind his back. “Not until you tell me what it is that has brought you so low.”
“You know what.”
“You lost Elizabeth,” Todd replied. “You’re right, I figured that much out for myself. But the rest is still unknown to me.”
“I didn’t lose her,” I retorted. “She’s not a set of car keys.”
“Enlighten me,” he persisted.
“She dumped me, okay?” My mouth watered, aching for another dose of fire. “I told her about the will and she dumped me.” Bitterly, I turned my gaze away from Todd. I couldn’t stand the judgement.
“That doesn’t seem like something she would do,” he said thoughtfully. “Did you misunderstand?”
“Did I misunderstand?” I growled. “I’m not an idiot. She dumped me over text. Said she didn’t want to see me anymore.”
“That’s unfortunate.”
“Unfortunate?” I pressed. “That’s it? Just unfortunate?”
“You called me in here and told me to fire her so you wouldn’t be tempted to burn the will not too long ago,” Todd rebutted. “I would think you should be relieved.”
“Relieved?” I snapped. “That she just walked away? That she didn’t think enough of me, of us, to put up a fight?”
Shit. I said it out loud.
Todd looked equally surprised by my admission. I may as well have screamed it off the top of a building. Rattled, I sank back into my chair. It gave a woeful squeak.
My assistant closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I waited, recognizing the signs that he was about to say something to me that he was sure I wasn’t going to like.
“I’m going to elucidate something for you,” he said. “And I want you to understand that when I say this, I understand the implications it will have for me and my career.”
“If you’re going to tell me to go after her, save your breath,” I replied. “She’s made her intentions clear.”
Todd brandished a tight-lipped smile, though there was no amusement in it. “You’re a fucking idiot.”
My chin jerked in his direction. Had I just heard right?
“Yes, you heard me,” he responded to my unspoken question. Then, as if to make it more clear, he added “You’re a goddamn fool.”
“I thought that was what you said,” I replied bitterly. “Get out.”
“No.” Todd pulled the scotch from his back and took a gulp. I narrowed my eyes and studied him. Now he had my full attention. I’d never seen Todd touch a drop of alcohol. “This girl has been through hell and back for you, at your hands. She clearly had feelings for you from day one, and what did you do?”
“Pushed her away,” I replied. “Like I’ve always done. Like I’ve always had to do.”
“Exactly. But did that work?”
“Obviously not,” I said. “Until now.”
“And why do you think it’s working now?” he asked. “Because your love comes with conditions and you’re suddenly not worth the fight?”
“That’s a pretty good reason to stop trying.”
“Wrong!” Todd exclaimed. “How can you be so thick?”
“This is getting excessive.” I glared at him across my desk. I didn’t take kindly to insults, even when they came from someone I’d known as long as Todd.
“It’s your thick-headedness that’s excessive!”
As much as he was pissing me off, I was amazed by his gumption. This was the first time he hadn’t capped his irritation before it reached this level.
“She obviously cares a great deal about you. The reason you fell for her is the same reason you should know she hasn’t ended things because she doesn’t care about you.”
I chewed on that for a minute, but the more I did, the worse I felt. Elizabeth was good. She was gentle. She’d seen through me during those first stormy weeks enough to find something underneath that she cared enough about to keep coming back, no matter how roughly I pushed her away.
“She’s making the choice so I don’t have to,” I realized.
Todd let out a dramatic sigh. “Finally.” He took another gulp of the scotch. “Idiot.”
“Okay, I get it.”
“Asshole.”
“That’s pushing it, Todd.”
He shot me a lopsided grin and slid the scotch back over to me. “Sorry. That felt pretty good, though. I got a little carried away.”
The relief that was flooding through my chest made ignoring his insults far easier than normal. He was right. Elizabeth had ended things, which still burned, but understanding the real reason changed everything.
“So what are you going to do?” he asked.
“There’s nothing I can do.” I shrugged, taking a final sip of the scotch before securing the lid back on. “Am I ready to give all this up? Even if she loves me now, will she always?”
Todd came around the side of the desk and placed a heavy hand on my shoulder. “Only you can decide that,” he said. “But I will say one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“The last time I saw you this upset, it was because your grandfather had just passed away.”
“I remember that,” I replied, staring off into space. His death, though long expected, had been a devastating blow.
“After the funeral, I came here and found you half-drowned in a bottle of his scotch, just like today. All of his pens were still out on the desk. You were a mess, but they were still arranged perfectly. Like his desk was just waiting for him to come back.”
“I’m surprised you remember that.”
“Of course I remember it,” he smiled sadly. “It broke my heart, Oliver. I’d never seen you so shattered before.”
“Are you telling me this to remind me it can always get worse?”
He chuckled. “Do you remember what you told me that day? After I’d forced you to take a shower and eat some toast?”
I gazed up at Todd, wondering what the hell he was still doing working for me instead of solving all of the world’s problems.
“I told you I would do anything to bring
him back,” I replied. “That I wished I had more time.”
Todd smiled knowingly and gave my shoulder another pat. “Let me know if you need anything else,” he said. “I’m going to go start browsing Craigslist.”
He turned and headed toward the door, his back as straight and stiff as always. So dignified. So strong. He knew urging me to follow my heart on this would very likely lead to his unemployment, and yet he did it anyway.
“Are you going to be okay, Todd?” I called out after him.
He turned to me at the doorway, smile extending almost all the way to his eyes. “I’ll always be okay, Ollie.” He chuckled. “Think of it this way—realistically, my job should have ended after your grandfather died. We only put off the inevitable.”
He turned and was out the door before I could thank him.
I needed to fix this. For Elizabeth. For Todd.
For me.
But how?
I picked up my phone and called Damien, who answered immediately. “Hey buddy,” he said. “How are you?”
I winced. “Still shitty,” I growled.
“I know. I figured that’s why I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Can you come over?” I asked. “I need your brain.”
“Right away, Doctor Frankenstein,” he replied. “Should I bring anything else?”
“Probably a toothbrush,” I said after a moment. “You could be here for a while.”
“And might I inquire on what basis we’re holding this impromptu sleepover?”
“With any luck,” I said, “you’ll help me figure out a way out of this mess.”
He laughed. “So we’re just solving the impossible then,” Damien said. “Right-o. I’ll be over in half an hour.”
I hung up the phone and stared at the wall of my study. Damien was right, of course. I was up against the impossible. Every choice had a downside, so there were no easy solutions to be had. I’d already spent months looking. So maybe I just needed my best friend to help figure out which downside I could live with.
I thought about going to find Todd again. I wanted to tell him how he’d inspired me. I wanted to tell him that it might be okay after all, but I really didn’t know if that was going to be true.
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