“What are you talking about?” she croaked, a tear slipping from her eye and rolling down her cheek. This girl did not deserve to cry, especially not over me.
I sighed, feeling like a fool because of this. I should have let it go a long time ago, so it was time to put it to bed. “I saw you and Maverick together the night you killed Axel. My dad had been in a rage and I went to the Rosewood manor, thought I could hang out in the summer house for a while. But when I got there, you and Rick were in there…naked. And I knew you’d finally chosen one of us.”
Her lips parted and her brows knitted in confusion. “What? You think me and Rick were together back then?”
“It was pretty obvious from where I was standing. And yeah I’ve been fucked up over it, but I know it doesn’t matter now. You’re with JJ anyway, and-”
“You fucking idiot,” she growled. “I was never with Maverick back then, we were naked that day because we’d been out spray painting a wall and got paint on our clothes. We were getting changed, and yeah okay we had a little look at each other because I’d been dick curious and he’d been tit curious, but that’s about it. No touching, no kissing and definitely no fucking. Mostly it was weird and awkward.”
A sharp lump formed in my throat as I stared at her, that knowledge taking hold of me as I saw the truth in her eyes. “You never chose?” I rasped.
“No,” she snapped. “And I haven’t chosen now either. And I’m not going to. I don’t belong to anyone, Chase.”
My head spun as I stared at her, my reality shifting and I suddenly felt like a fucking idiot for holding onto so much anger over that for ten years. I guessed it didn’t matter though, she’d made her choice in the end. She wanted JJ and Maverick now, probably Fox too on some level. I wasn’t stupid enough to think she could want me as well, but the way she was looking at me right then made me wonder if I could steal a single moment in my life where I’d know what it was like to be chosen. It was my last chance, I’d never see her again after today, so why not?
This girl was the end of me, always had been, and now I was facing my downfall at her hands just like I knew I always would. But maybe it didn’t all have to taste so bitter.
I tugged on her hair, forcing her to look up at me and her lips parted in surprise.
I’ll take all this pain and more if I can have this one kiss. Just one.
I kissed her brutally, my mouth full of demands she didn’t want to meet and that made me angrier still. She bit my lower lip then kissed me back savagely and I shoved her up against the lockers behind her, my heart urging me on as my brain yelled at me to stop. But I couldn’t, I’d opened Pandora’s box and I was letting all of my demons out of it one by one. If this was the end of the world, then why did it feel like all of my goddamn dreams coming true?
But as her mouth moved in time with mine and my cock throbbed furiously in my pants, the good gave way to the bad once more and suddenly the rage in me spilled over. I had to leave and lose her all over again. I had to say goodbye to JJ and Fox and where would I even go?
“Why?” I begged of her, slamming her hands above her and pinning them to the lockers in one of my own. “Why can’t I get you out of my head?” I demanded in a growl, kissing her bruisingly as she tugged against my hold.
“Chase,” she panted as I used my free hand to pull up her shirt and drag my fingers over her velvet flesh. She was my darkest temptation, the seven sins wrapped up in the perfect body designed to ruin me.
I dragged my mouth along her jaw and bit her neck, marking her roughly and making her buck her hips and gasp. “I knew you’d be the end of us,” I growled in her ear.
“You’re the one who did it,” she snarled back, jerking against my hold and grinding her stomach over my hard cock, drawing a groan from my lips. I desired her so fiercely and I wanted to take and take from her until this furious beast in me was fed. She was my enemy and my end, the love of my fucking life and the only girl I wanted in the world. But I couldn’t have her, not really.
“You’ve ruined everything,” I accused, but those words were really for myself. I was the culprit, but I wanted to punish the world and right now the world was her. I dragged my teeth over her ear and she shivered, her back arching and I was lost to the way she reacted to me. Did she really want me? This was a fantasy I’d played out in my head a thousand times, but I’d always expected the reality to look a lot more like her rejecting me.
“Fuck you,” she said breathlessly. “You think you’re such a victim, Ace, but you do this to yourself. Your dad lives in your head and it’s about time you showed him the door.”
“Shut up,” I growled into her flesh, the scent of coconut everywhere as I pushed my hand into her bra and grazed my thumb over her nipple. She moaned, wanting more and I gave it to her, pinching and tugging and making it hurt because she deserved it. And yet she didn’t deserve it at all.
“You’re acting just like him,” she growled. “You want me to bow to you, but I never will.”
“I’m not like him.” I shoved her top up, biting her tits and palming them forcefully as I punished her for those words, but she just moaned like she loved it.
“Yes you are,” she panted. “And it’s about time you grew up.”
“Fuck you.” I stood upright, letting her top flutter back down as I gripped her jaw in my hand and bared my teeth at her. “You’re gonna break my family, ghost. Fox is going to find out about you and JJ and then what are you gonna do?”
“I’ll figure it out,” she growled, trying to jerk her head out of my grip, but I had her at my mercy now.
“Will you?” I scoffed. “Because you can’t just go through life without a plan, little one. You think I should grow up? Then what about you? You still live your life like a leaf on the wind. You don’t care who gets hurt by your actions, because little lost Rogue doesn’t make plans or decisions, she just waits to see wherever she lands and deals with the consequences when it’s done.”
“At least I don’t plan to destroy people’s lives,” she hissed and my fingers dug into her jaw as I got up close to her face.
“So it’s okay to be destructive so long as you aren’t responsible?” I scoffed.
“Let me go,” she demanded and I held on for one more second, knowing the moment I let go, that would be it. I’d never touch her again, never be this close, never smell her or breathe her in. I took one last, hard look and released her hands, dropping my hold on her face too.
She rearranged her hair over her shoulders, trying to hide the hurt in her eyes as she looked away and my chest tugged.
“Rogue…” I tried. Come with me.
“You should go,” she said, her voice level as she continued to avoid my gaze. “Fox might come looking for you.”
“But what about us?” I asked, my face burning as those words slipped out.
She turned to look at me at last and I saw every inch of pain I’d caused her in the depths of her gaze.
“Us?” she laughed hollowly. “There’s no us. You think I’d actually want you after you tried to get rid of me?”
My heart shrank and I felt myself shrinking with it, heat starting to blaze up the back of my neck. I felt small, and when I felt small I felt cornered. Like my father was standing over me again. A blaring noise went off in my head as the man in me fought back and refused to be seen that way again.
“Then get the fuck out of here!” I bellowed at her, pointing to the door and her expression pinched as she moved to follow my command. But then she lingered there in the doorway and looked back at me with a cold detachment in her beautiful blue eyes.
“Sometimes I wish I’d never met you, Chase Cohen,” she hissed then headed out the door and slammed it behind her, leaving me in the wake of those words as my heart shattered into a thousand sharp pieces.
I picked up my bag, shoving the gun into it and pulling on my leather jacket before heading out after her, finding her long gone already. When I had all of my shit together, I locked up Raider
s Gym and tossed the key on the doorstep, not giving a fuck what happened to it as I got on my bike and rode for the edge of town.
I didn’t look back as I drove up into the cliffs and left the only good things in my life behind.
I gazed at the road as I made a plan of what to do next, seeking out purpose in this godforsaken world, and there was only one thing that came to mind. My life wasn’t worth shit now, so I may as well put these flesh and bones to good use while I still stalked this earth. I had a gun and was willing to bleed for those I loved, so I’d hunt down Shawn Mackenzie and end this war before it even began. And if I died in the process, so be it.
I lay face down on a sun lounger with JJ's headphones on and the music cranked loud as I tried to drown the thoughts in my head which were playing on repeat. Mostly, that Chase had been right about me. Even if I hadn't wanted it or intended it and even if he'd been the one to cause this fracture in their brotherhood, it still came back to me.
Ten years ago I might have had the right to come between them the way I had. Hell, ten weeks ago I might have danced for joy seeing Chase take a taste of his own medicine after what he'd done to me on that fucking ferry.
But there was no joy in it for me now. All there was a knot in my stomach and the words Chase had tossed my way over and over again since I'd first come back here.
You're going to destroy us.
He was right about that, wasn't he? But they'd destroyed me first, so wasn't that what I'd wanted?
Maybe vengeance didn't taste as sweet as I'd thought it would.
A hand landed on my shoulder and I cracked an eye open as JJ perched his ass on the side of my lounger.
He offered me half a smile, his fingers slipping along my spine then falling from my skin just as fast as he'd touched me. I was butt naked and ignoring the advice about keeping my new ink out of the sun. The tattoos were healed up now anyway and it wasn't like I cared all that much about a bit of fading. I didn't care all that much about anything recently. Sometimes the void inside me ached and burned around the edges, and sometimes I liked being able to slip into it and forget how to feel because reality hurt too damn much.
"Are you okay?" I asked, tugging my headphones off and letting them hang around my neck, the music loud enough to carry to us from them.
JJ's lips twitched but he didn't bother to answer that.
"Yeah," I agreed, pushing up onto my elbows as I looked at him and his gaze fell to my chest for a moment before he tugged it back up to my face and he picked up the shirt I'd discarded beside me.
I shrugged it on, biting my bottom lip as the black wifebeater covered my body, the outline of a howling wolf splashed across its front. JJ's gaze lingered on it and I knew he recognised it as Chase's but neither of us wanted to question why the fuck I'd chosen to wear it.
I’d slipped into his room more than once since he’d gone, breathing in the scent of him which clung to it and closing my eyes as I imagined him still being there. I wasn’t going to torture myself over why, but sometimes that made me feel better. And sometimes sleeping in his stuff, wrapped up in his scent helped too, though it also hurt. But maybe I deserved to hurt.
I guessed I was a glutton for punishment, or maybe I was just fucked in the head, or perhaps I got off on knowing I'd fucked his life up just as thoroughly as he'd tried to fuck up mine and I wanted constant reminders of him for that. Maybe it was a bit of all of it. And maybe my lips still burned with the memory of his kiss when I closed my eyes and I couldn't for the life of me understand why.
"Are you done hiding from me?" I asked curiously because we both knew JJ had been more than a little absent in the few weeks since Chase had been banished. We hadn't been alone together, he hadn't fucked me, hadn't even kissed me actually. And I got the feeling I knew why. "Or have you come to tell me that I'm not the right choice for you again? Because you don't need to spell it out for me, Johnny, I got it loud and clear since Chase left. You saw what might happen to you when Fox finds out about us, and you decided I'm not worth the risk. It's okay. I've been aware of how worthless I am for a long-"
JJ caught the back of my neck and kissed me so hard he stole my breath away. His tongue sank into my mouth and his fingertips dug into my skin and something inside me cracked open and bled for him as relief spilled through me endlessly.
I wound my arms around his neck and drew him closer, climbing into his lap and kissing him like he was my whole reason for existing. I'd been so alone again since Fox had banished Chase. And I'd thought it was him pulling away from me, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was me and I was ruining things just like I always did. But I didn't want to ruin what me and JJ had. I needed it. He was my breath of fresh air and my rush of release. He was the smile on my face and the heat in my flesh. And he was kissing me like I was all of that to him and more.
"Never say anything like that to me again," JJ growled, pulling back and holding me in place so that I couldn't escape the fire in his gaze. "Swear it."
"I swear it," I breathed and he kissed me hard enough to bruise.
"I don't know how to deal with this, pretty girl. I don't know and I don't want to fuck it up, but I'm yours. All in. I'll say it a thousand times until you believe it. I just...I'm afraid of what this will do to Fox. He's destroyed over Chase. And I can't let him lose me too. I know he seems strong and unbreakable, but he isn't. He needs us and he needs you. I don't know what that means, and if you pick him I-"
"I've already told you, Johnny James," I growled, punching him in the chest. "I'm not picking. I never have. Never will. Even now. Even with fucking Chase being a royal cunt, he's still here." I touched my heart. "You're all still here. It's the five of us. And it might be fucked up and the sex stuff between you and me and Rick is clearly adding another layer of bullshit to the heap we all have to wade through to remember the people we used to be but...I dunno what else to say. There's never been anyone for me the way there's been the four of you. Never will. We have a bond that goes deeper than our blood and that doesn’t go away no matter what. Believe me – I tried to get rid of it more times than I can count when I was gone and I know now that it just isn’t possible. We’re family. So maybe it is fucked up and maybe we're all destined to keep on hurting each other over and over again, but I'm starting to think that the good might be worth the bad. And you're all good for me, JJ."
"Good?" his lips twitched and he leaned in to take my bottom lip between his teeth, making my skin come alive for him. "Nah, pretty girl. I'm not letting you rate me 'good.'"
I laughed and he kissed me once more, but he pulled back too soon and the hurt in this house fell over us again.
"I need you, Rogue," JJ said softly. "But right now...I think Fox needs you more."
I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I nodded. I knew that. I'd known that every day since Chase had gone. But I was afraid of it too.
"I'm the reason he feels the way he does right now," I whispered. "If I hadn't come back into your lives-"
"Don't. Just don't. Before you came back, we were only treading water. We laughed and joked and ran jobs, but we didn't feel any of it because there was always something missing. You were missing. And this shit isn't on you. But he does need you now."
I blew out a breath and nodded, taking JJ's headphones from around my neck and dropping them onto the sun lounger as I got to my feet. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek before turning and walking back into the house.
I didn't need to ask where Fox was because he'd been sticking to the same moping routine whenever he was home since it had all happened.
Mutt looked up as he spotted me, wagging his tail sleepily while all four paws remained pointed at the ceiling from within the luxury bed that had randomly appeared one day. Fox wouldn’t admit it had been him, but I knew it was. He was getting my street pooch addicted to gourmet dog treats and now he was upping his efforts to include luxury living. The world was going mad. But Mutt seemed to be okay with it.
I grabbed a couple of
beers from the fridge then padded up the stairs before letting myself into Fox’s bedroom.
I kept going, crossing the wide space until I reached the door which led out to the balcony where I found him.
Fox sat in a wide, wicker chair, his gaze on the sea and his posture almost seeming relaxed. He dominated his seat, long legs spread wide and one arm slung over the side of it while the sun shone down on his bare chest and he twisted a key between his fingers thoughtlessly. My gaze snagged on it and my heart skipped a beat as I recognised it. It wasn't just any key. That was his key to the crypt. The one I'd been hunting for all this damn time and had never seen so much as a hint of.
But I found I didn't care right now. I didn't even want to ask why he had it. I just wanted to steal that pain from his eyes and that frown from his brow. I wanted to see his lips turn up in a smile and hear him whisper silly promises in my ears like he used to.
I sat the beers down on the little table beside him and climbed into his lap, his gaze only moving to meet mine once I was straddling him and the agony I found in his green eyes cut me open.
"Maybe I should have just killed him," he muttered, reaching for my cheek and running his thumb over my lips.
"Don't say that."
Fox looked deep into my eyes, searching for something, hunting and scouring and frowning deeper the longer he looked.
"Is it all hate in there?" he asked me, a hopeless tone to his voice which I hadn't heard before.
"No," I replied. "But there is hate too."
Fox set the key down on the arm of the chair, but my gaze stayed on his as he considered me.
"Does hurting me help?" he asked roughly. "Does it make up for how much I hurt you?"
"I don't know what you-"
Fox grabbed my waist and flipped me over so suddenly that I shrieked and I found myself lying face down across his lap as his fingers dragged over the back of my right thigh where the Harlequin Crew tattoo lay.
Dead Man's Isle (Harlequin Crew #2) Page 49