by Sana Abuleil
it really hasn't.
there have been times
we drove up to the middle of nowhere
with nothing but a telescope
and all the world's happiness
and the windows were down
even though you couldn't feel your fingers
but we saw the stars that night
and our hearts swelled up
and our eyes grew bigger
and everything was calm.
and there have been times
good ones
like when we walked down that road
for seven hours
reading poetry
with our cellphones off
because for the next few years
there won't be much quiet anywhere
in your head
or your heart
or your palms
but it's okay
because there will be times like these
that will help you remember
why you're even here
reading this
and you're going to smile
and let your chest fall
and your eyes draw shut
and for the first time
in a long time
you'll realize that everything
really will be okay.
03/23/2018
i know what it's like to drown
in everything but water
in guilt and blame and worry
and it's because i'm too gullible
and you are too
and i know what it's like to drown
because i never took the time
to learn to swim
because i never really knew
i was even drowning
until my lungs filled with everything but air
and i couldn't breathe
and more importantly
i couldn't speak
and it's your turn now
you're drowning as you read this
you're gasping for air but there is none
or maybe there is
but it has a mind of its own
and it's making you fight for it
because nothing comes easy
and you'll learn this one when
you're on your bedroom floor
wondering why
living is so hard
and it can be
sometimes
you're right
but it's only because
it's worth it
and nothing that's worth it
ever comes easy.
04/17/2018
i know it's sadistic
but i'm kind of excited
for the day you realize
they never loved you
or loved you
only because it was
good for them
not you
it was never because of you
and i know it's sadistic
but just hear me out.
we only learn when it's too late
through shattered screens
car accidents
heartbreaks.
we only learn when it's too late
so nothing i say
will stop you from getting this part of you
broken
because it's inevitable
but you'll learn
my god will you learn.
04/21/2018
you're going to go through people
like they're the outfits you try on
the morning of the party
you actually want to go to for once.
and this is okay.
but when you're left with a pile
of worn out things
tired mountains
growing on your bedroom floor
know that a few years from now
you're going to meet someone
who will drive you out
to the middle of nowhere
park the car
on the side of the road
and let you scream your lungs out
to release some of the pain
and she'll laugh
and she'll cry
and she'll tell you
she can't hear you
even though
her ears will be ringing
and her head will be loud
because she doesn't really
like noise
but she'll do it
because she loves you
selflessly
sometimes too selflessly
but she loves you
and that's what matters.
05/15/2018
so here we are
where we were bound to end up
broken heart
but somehow still as whole as ever.
this is where you always get stuck.
this is where you always lose the words
when you don't know what to tell her
to make her realize
that she's the most beautiful damn thing
you've ever seen.
no
scratch that
the most beautiful damn thing
this world's ever seen.
so here we are.
this is what you need to tell her.
“i hope you pick out the shrapnel
he left in your skin
because he was a ticking time bomb
from the beginning
but this is okay.
we get up anyway and we learn.
i hope you use the broken pieces
to build something new.
i hope you use melted gold
instead of glue
and i hope you remember
that broken doesn't last forever
and that they make mosaics out of things like you
because you're the most beautiful damn thing
this world's ever seen.”
05/25/2018
i don't want to guide you.
i don't want to be the person
standing on the side of the street
of your childhood home
handing you a map of the town you grew up in
thinking you don't know your way around.
you know your way around.
so i'll let you roam
wander
get lost
even when the paths you take are covered
in tears and blood
that belong to me.
and you'll recognize it too.
you'll smell my scent as you walk through
but you won't turn around
because you know
these are mistakes you need to make
or maybe they aren't even mistakes.
but i can't figure that out for you.
instead
i'll walk down nightmare lane for you.
i'll revisit all the pain i've felt
just to show you
that you can make it out alive.
because i made it out alive
didn't i?
and you will too.
i won't tell you
that you're going the wrong way either
because you might not be.
you might be headed exactly
where you're supposed to go.
i can't be your guide.
pain is good
broken is good
it will remind you that you can heal
a
nd you'll get good poetry out of it too.
but i'll be there for you
in case you bleed
in case the hurt
is too much for you to handle.
i'll be there for you
with chocolate
and tickets to anywhere
but i promise
i'll still let you lead the way.
for mel
06/02/2018
this is about the fall of 2014.
this is about how you were
a glass-bottom boat on white water currents.
how the splash zone
reached further than arm's length
or heart's length actually
and how the recovery period
was spent in bed for weeks
except no doctors could find the hurt
or diagnose the pain.
they couldn't see it
but you could feel it
you could feel it
and it hurt like a broken rib
on a roller coaster ride
with more upside down loops
than you could count on your fingers.
and then it hurt like
“i don't love you”
except you were the one saying it
over and over
“i don't love you
i don't love you”
and it broke you.
and then it hurt like
swallowing nails
thinking if they couldn't fix you
then maybe you could fix yourself
but you couldn't
not like that.
and now
at least now you know better
at least now you've learned.
the fall of 2014 felt like
ripping out organs
gift wrapping them
ribbon and all
and handing them to people
who didn't want to get their hands dirty.
but hurting means healing
and if glass shard wounds
and bloody clothes
are what you needed to figure that out
then today
today i'm thankful for the fall of 2014.
07/13/2018
you have arms that want to hoard
and throw away
all at once.
you have arms like tangled wires
like safety lock seatbelts
like shirts that shrink in the wash
on picture day
like bad timing
like broken necklaces
and closed jewelers.
you have arms like
things that don't last
as long as they should
but you have a heart like evening tea
the one with coconut milk and honey
like weekends
like birthdays
like airplane tickets.
you have have arms like magnets
for anything broken
but my god your heart is warm.
after caitlyn siehl's “mouth”
07/20/2018
pop quiz.
what do you call someone
who gives but doesn't take?
do you call them kind
or do you call them selfless?
trick question.
neither.
you call them scared
and sometimes
you call them broken.
i used to be exactly that.
i used to open my hands
palms faced upwards
eyes locked
on the way my fingers trembled
as they took and took and took.
i was not kind and i was not selfless.
but things have changed
and i take now.
i take love when it's given
and i take help when it's needed
i take time when it's called for
and i take band aids when i'm bleeding.
so
makeup quiz.
what do you call someone
who gives and gives and gives
but sometimes takes?
growing.
i would call her growing.
08/16/2018
i once heard about an art
where shattered glass
is mended back together
with melted gold.
but i don't want to
mend you back together
with melted gold.
you are the gold.
and you don't need mending.
instead
i want to hug you in ways
that make you forget
that the human body
contains 206 bones
that can all be broken
in different ways
and different places.
08/29/2018
when you find him
tell him to
read you your future
like he's reading you his favourite book
or showing you his favourite song.
tell him to recite it
like he does those textbooks
he's been studying
for as long as he can remember.
tell him you want to hear
the longing in his voice
almost as if he's flipping through
a photo album of his life
that he's never seen before
a nostalgic feeling of something
he once knew
maybe in another lifetime
but definitely not here
because here
doesn't have miracles like this.
tell him to paint you a portrait
but to only use your favourite colours
tell him you want to see if he can recreate
the marks he's left on your heart
and tell him you want to see
if he can breathe light
into every description of you
just by saying your name
in a way that makes him forget
he has lungs.
09/02/2018
i want to hear about
a day in the life of us
the same way you'd tell me about
a dream you had
but woke up
too early from
only the waking up
is the dream
and the day in the life of us
becomes us trying
to live our entire lives in a day
and i've done it before
i swear
in every word i've said to you
in every word you've said to me
i've lived an entire life with you
and you're the universe
and every beautiful thing in it.
09/06/2018
one day
you'll find the one
who stays up late at night
until the world is silent
just to hear the grasshoppers
ringing through the neighborhood
wondering
how the hell
you hate the sound.
you'll find the one
who won't just ask you how your day was
but how your childhood was
how your future will be
and why you're unhappy with your now
and what you're going to do about it.
you'll find the one
/> who won't memorize the words
to your favourite songs
but who will read through your poems
like they're holy.
wait for this.
09/17/2018
i wonder what you look like on a bad day.
i wonder if getting out of bed
sounds more like falling
sounds more like sirens on the side of a highway
sounds more like someone sending help.
i wonder what you look like fragile
how easily you break apart
or if you break apart at all.
i mean you must.
there are bad days in us all
so you must
but i wonder if you shatter
like overbakedcookies do
leaving pieces that won't ever fit together again
or if you're something more like ancient dry wall
does your plaster come undone?
and if it does
so what?
have you never been missing before?
i have
and it isn't so bad
if you're missing
if there are voids inside you
if there are parts of you
that are empty
then you have room
for better things
like flakes of gold
and people who call you at 6:00 am
to tell you it's a snow day
and love.
you have more room for love.
09/22/2018
the day you meet him
you'll want to travel to every city he's been in
walk with your head glued to the ground
searching for his footprints in the concrete
and retracing his every step
so you can understand where he's been
and maybe collect hints along the way
to try and figure out where he's going.
but you can't.
so instead
i think you'll tattoo the world map on your back
shade in every country you visit
with colours that don't exist
so he can run his fingers across your skin
and see everything you've seen
and feel everything you've felt.
but you can't.
so instead
you'll talk to him until the sun comes up
even if he falls asleep
and you'll tell him stories
and listen to his
and maybe that'll be enough
and you won't need worldwide scavenger hunts
or tattoos that run into your veins
because it'll be enough.
it'll be enough.
i hope you find this
and i hope it's enough.
09/27/2018
if you want to know if he's the right one
ask him first if you make his heart race.